take my hands and never let go

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

haven't been online for a very long time. been LAZY. haha x)

my life's in a topsy turvy mess now.
seems like the guys i hang out with all have a story behind them.
and i'm actually surprised that they're open to share with me.
i'm quite alright though, but it is weird when the people in front of me start to do their business.
oh wells, like UNCLE SAM who likes to say- aku halal already.
haha (x

yes yes yes,
the new people around me are malays.
haha (x
both girls and guys.
i'm a friendly person.
heh!

naval's pierced, like finally!
hah (:
i like, yayyay`
astha did it for me illegally inside delmar.
but was painful aye.
coz i'm a clumsy person.
fell down and actually grazed the wound?
sighs.
but now, its better!
yay yay yay!
waiting for it to be totally healed before i change the stud (:
bling bling! woohoo (x

mos tonight.
deejay has's finale set.
he's moving off to dempsey now.
sighs, everyone's moving off.
oh wells, its time for hardstyle partying tonight (:

adios!

[dreamt `]
at 11:58 AM

Thursday, May 08, 2008

i'm currently nursing a hangover. bad hangover.
went down to clarke quay after work last night.
surprise surprise surprise! (:

havent been down clarke quay for a very long time.
went over to look for ju*sweet at barfly.
collected my cake from her.
met alan, he cut his hair! haha (x
deejay jason was spinning. said would come over mos after his set.
came down from barfly and was surprised seeing someone i used to know and like.
haha (x
awi, malay bartender who used to worked in st.james- powerhouse.
he's currently working at le noir?
yups, alfresco bar.
we didnt say anything.
just walked past each other, looking at each other eye-to-eye contact.
wow, interesting.
went over chivas party to meet alfee.
chit chat gossip chit chat.

went over to mos only about 12nish.
i was the surprise.
heh!
everyone assumed i was at port dickson's tiesto concert.
BUT sadly, my leave was not approved?
GODDAMNIT!
but oh wells, continued to plant the seed that i was away for the party to all of them,
except for ain who knew my whereabouts clearly.
haha (x
yasmin, jawk, alinah's birthday party!
ministry of sound- smoove.
cool (:
"ideal" was around. yay yay.
birthday package.
my welcome drink, champagne.
mamat joined me. heh (:
shariff, alinah accompanied me up to pure room.
same but different with deejay has (:
yups yups yups.
i like (:
shariff was SUPER glued to deejay has.
HE'S SO CUTE, he claims.
hahas (:
danced danced danced.
mamat kept telling me not to drink too much.
lest i get drunk.
oh wells, tell me about it.
NEXT TIME.
cause i was drunk by 3am?
hahas (x

concoction?
vodka, champagne, red wine, whisky, tequila.
GODDAMNIT!
mixture of drinks will definitely kill you.
oh wells, because it killed me last night.
sheesh, i'm stil nursing this bad hangover.
threw up alot of gastric juice as well.
sighs.
this is bad?

wells, at least i didnt mix ilegal stuff with my drinks last night.
thank god.

oh wells, i wann rest more.
ahhhhh..
loves loves loves!
muacks<3

[dreamt `]
at 9:14 PM

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

'm officially back in the morning shift now.
this is my 2nd week back, officially 6 days back under the sun.
yay yay- i like! (x
yups, so i'm back- xiao hei.
heh.
roasted as usual.
but i need to catch up on my fairer side.
sighs.
carolyn says to use OLIVE OIL.
but it doesn't have spf, that is.
but it'll catch up with my roasted color.
so as to even out easily.
i'll try.
just as long as i get company to go sun-tanning.
yups yups.
i can't wait.
hahahs (x

cafedelmar's getting smaller day by day,
not physically but literally.
everyone's leaving.
sighs.
how? \(-.-)/
was talking to karthi this morning.
he also asks me to look out for opportunities now.
sighs.
how disappointing to see the cafedelmar that was built piece by piece, go one by one.
the foundation is breaking away?
oh wells, this is life.
as they call it.
we'll have to accept the way changes adapt into our lives?
oh wells, i leave my comment to myself.

jawk and yasmin's birthday- upcoming party at ministry, smoove.
birthday package.
i've already booked a table for them.
hope they enjoy themselves!
yups yups (x

may 9th-10th- port dickson
deejay tiesto world tour.
along with ferry corsten.
damnit!
it's going to be happening!!
yay yay (:

i wann to re-start my diet again.
sighs.
i've been taking the wrong stuff?
tommy's losing weight, gaining mass.
i'm following his footsteps.
wrongly!
i wann lose weight and mass.
sighs!
he and i forgot he's a bodybuilder.
sighs.
not me aye.
anyways, i'll start all over.
no big deal.
hahaha (x

I NEED TO PERSERVE!
muacks <3

[dreamt `]
at 12:03 AM

Thursday, April 17, 2008

well well well, its my 11th day today-as of monday, the start of my diet plan. and i've been a good girl (: heh. i've lost 4kgs already.

yay yay!

hmmm, treated myself to strawberry gelato just now with cynthia. heh. she asked the ice cream guy what his name was. heh, HAFIZ (: cute cute. mummy cooked pasta just now. oops! will hold my tongue tmr den. sighs.

*he texted me yesterday early morning. "Hope you will smile like me again.."
sighs
i miss him a whole lot.
sheesh.

[dreamt `]
at 11:51 PM

Thursday, April 10, 2008

i'm officially on a strict diet now.
yups, have to be good and listen to tommy now.
heh \(-.-)/
he's going to control my diet and he's going to bring me to the gym (:
i wann lose weight.
i wann tone up.
yups, yups, yups.

am officially night shift, did i say?
sighs.
boring aye.
everyone's leaving already.
lifebrandz to be exact.
tsk tsk.
anything to be done? no idea at all.
sighs.
over at delmar? the able-workers are all leaving.
sighs.
bad bad bad.
i'l miss them all.
sheesh, i miss the sun actually.
tsk tsk.
3 more weeks of night.
i don't like at all. i'm not a moon-friend; i'm a sun-friend.
sighs.
oh wells, have to suck it up till 4th may.
damnit.

*he left singapore already.
*he left my life already.
*he's gone with the wind already.
sighs.
my heart's weary, missing a beat every time i look at his picture.
sighs.
it isn't fair.; but life's not fair.
sighs.
i hate how this feels. i hate how i feel towards *him.
sighs.
*he left with just a text. no explanation, just a text at 0659am 9th april '08.
*he had ran away for the past 8 years, till now- its still the same.
oh wells, fate doesn't just drop at our hands just like that.
265 days have come and gone.
19th july '07 till 9th april '08
sighs.
i'll miss *him.
a whole lot :(

these songs are pretty stuck inside my head.

NO ONE- ALICIA KEYS

I just want you close
Where you can stay forever
You can be sure
That it will only get better

You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don't worry 'cuz
Everything's going to be alright
People keep talking they can say what they like
But all i know is everything's going to be alright

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

When the rain is pouring down
And my heart is hurting
You will always be around
This I know for certain

You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don't worry 'cuz
Everything's going to be alright
People keep talking they can say what they like
But all i know is everything's going to be alright

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel

I know some people search the world
To find something like what we have
I know people will try try to divide something so real
So til the end of time I'm telling you there is no one

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh oh

YESTERDAY- LEONA LEWIS

i just cant believe your gone
still waitin for mornin to come
when i see if the sun will rise, in the way that your by my side
well we got so much in store
tell me what is it im reaching for
when we're through building memories ill hold yesterday in my heart
in my heart

they can take tomorrow and the plans we made
they can take the music that we never play
all the broken dreams take everything
just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
they can take the future that we'll never know
they can take the places that we said we will go
all the broken dreams take everything
just take it away, but they can never have yesterday

you always choose to stay
i should be thankful for everyday
heaven knows what the future holds, or least where the story goes
i never believed untill now
i know i'll see you again im sure
no its not selfish to ask for more
one more night one more day one more smile on your face
but they can't take yesterday

they can take tomorrow and the plans we made
they can take the music that we never play
all the broken dreams take everything
just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
they can take the future that we'll never know
they can take the places that we said we will go
all the broken dreams take everything
just take it away, but they can never have yesterday

i thought our days would last forever
but it wasnt our destiny
cause in my mind we had so much time, but i was so wrong
no i can believe that
i can still find the strength in the moments we made
i'm lookin back on yesterday

repeat chorus

GO ONE GIRL- NE-YO

[V1:]
I cant get it back, but
I dont want it back, i
Realized that,She dont know how to act
Never been a dumb dude
No im not dense
I just had a slight lack
Of common sense
I was the good guy
She was the bad girl
I'm thinking one girl
She thinking me, earl james and jimmy
Yep she had plenty
But love for me, she didnt have any

I was inviting, her into my heart
But she was out riding in some other man's car
She was my night time, thought I was her star
Guess I was wrong, but see im strong
Wont take me long for me to move on

[Hook:]
Please dont worry bout me im fine
(Please dont worry bout me im fine)
Only gonna play the fool one time
(Only gonna play the fool one time)
Trust me when I say
That i'll be ok
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl

[V2:]
I cant get it back, but
I dont want it back, i
Realized that,She dont know how to act
Tried to settle down and look what I get
Thought it was my time, but I guess not yet
She at the bar getting drinks from many men
Im in the house, thinking shes with her girlfriends
Trust not knowing, truly not knowing
I look back now like, man, I was open

I was inviting, her into my heart
But she was out riding in some other man's car
She was my night time, thought I was her star
Guess I was wrong, but see im strong
Wont take me long for me to move on

[Hook:]
Please dont worry bout me im fine
(Please dont worry bout me im fine)
Only gonna play the fool one time
(Only gonna play the fool one time)
Trust me when I say
That i'll be ok
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl

[Bridge]
The mistake i made is clear
(we never shoulda been together)
Thats the reason youre not here
(I know that I can do much better)
Not a single salty tear
Not a feeling in my chest
Baby im feeling no stress
I'm too fly to be depressed

Go on Girl
Go on Girl
Go on Girl
Go on Girl

[Hook:]
Please dont worry bout me im fine
(Please dont worry bout me im fine)
Only gonna play the fool one time
(Only gonna play the fool one time)
Trust me when I say
That i'll be ok
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl

[dreamt `]
at 2:08 PM

Saturday, April 05, 2008

haven't been up for a very long while. no time to be on the computer. heh.
been clubbing quite alot since march.
jenny's birthday to triple treats to eliz's last day to samson's birthday.
i feel the pinch on my liver!

*ouch* and i've thrown up twice.
pain pain pain.
haven't thrown up for a very long time.
lesser to come, i hope.
am officially night shift now.
all the way till 4th may, sighs.
prolly once a week, as promised when azmi's off.
nizan promised, i'll make sure i follow up. heh!

anyways, party at cafedelmar tonight.
2queens, Qtopia party.
from FLY entertainment, yes irene ang's hosting it.
i do hope it'll be good.
heh.
we'll see (:

*he's flying off next tuesday already.
sighs.
i don't exactly wish for *him to return.
yes, i'm being selfish.
but the 9months that i've known *him seems to end so abruptly.
i don't wish to lose it just like that.
sighs. its not fair.
i dunno if *he's coming back.
prolly not, according to *him.
sighs.
my heart's dreading 9th to come.
damnit.
what's up with me now?
sheesh.

gotta go work already.

[dreamt `]
at 4:48 PM

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

jenny's birthday tonight.
getting ready to head down to ministry of sound later.
yups, hopefully it'll be fun!
toodles*

[dreamt `]
at 7:35 PM

Monday, March 10, 2008

my 3 weeks of annual leave+public holidays+medical leave+regular off days have officially come to an end. how fast time flies! suddenly, i feel like i've wasted all these time. on un-necessary stuff.

oh wells, i had a good rest though.
that's the most important thing!
yups!(:

my best friend, alan just passed away.
a freak bike accident.
i only got to know about the accident when i returned to singapore.
just when i touched down to singapore.
i rushed down to the hospital after my lunch and into the intensive care unit.
blk 3A, room 16.
that was the start of my nightmare.
sighs!
he was in a extremely bad state.
he swelled to twice his size;
severe brain damage, a more-than-broken shoulder bone, broken back, a burst kidney and liver.
sighs!
i wasn't able to accept his fate; neither could his family.
there i was, standing there in front of him with is mum- crying.
but he wouldn't have felt the pain; his family, his friends were holding back on.
all we knew, he was not out of danger.
he was on life support, hanging on for his life.
2 blood clots in his brain have already consumed him.
my dear friend, was lying in coma- in excrutiating pain that i wouldn't have accepted if i was him.

1st march, 12am.
that was the day he had an accident.
after being in coma for 5days, he passed off on the 5th.
he just left after holding on for 5days.
i wasn't prepared for it; neither were his family. no one was!

the doctors first said it would take about 2weeks for the swell to slowly go down.
another 2-3months for him to wake up.
but, all of a sudden- it became to 1day.
what happened? why was there a drastic change from months to 1day?
heaven knows that i wann this answer so much.
the hospital doesn't have an answer.
the police doesn't have an answer.
the only one who does, is no longer here already.
is there ever gonna have an answer, for anyone of us?
sighs!

in loving memory of Alan Ng Choon Heng;
11th december 1978- 5th march 2008
had a fruitful and meaningful 29 years of life.

i will always miss you,
my dear friend, my dear brother, my love.

i never liked hospitals. not since i had to endure the times when daddy was admitted.
that was years ago, to be specific- when i was 8years of age.
i hated the visits to the hospital; i hate to see daddy with all the tubes, his swollen legs, the hospital uniform and the smell of disinfectant.
but i loved to visit daddy; i loved to hide below his bed to give him a shock just so he knows his baby girl's here to visit, i loved to lie beside him to a nap, i loved him hold my lil hand wit his big palm.
but all of a sudden, things turned awry.
daddy didn't have much time left in this world, and all of sudden- daddy just left.
i didn't see daddy for the last time, even though mummy told me to look him one last time.
i was afraid, i was angry.
i sat outside at the door of daddy's room, alone.
not willing to accept that he's leaving me alone, and going off alone.
ever since that day, i never enjoyed any trip to the hospital ever again.

sighs.
enough of upsetting stuff.

went down ministry on saturday, 8th march.
shuffle event; guest deejay anne savage from UK.
it was great (:
i had fun! lots of fun (:
yay (:
i can't wait for the next shuffle event next month.

[dreamt `]
at 8:10 PM

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

be flying off for taiwan tomorrow (:
1pm.
taipei, here i come! (:

[dreamt `]
at 11:13 PM

Saturday, February 23, 2008

baby turned 22 last night, officially.
with everyone to celebrate with her.

went over to vivocity to meet cynthia 1st. to collect my staff card.
after getting my staff card, it was over to chijmes.
to visit alina (:
had their club sandwich for dinner, and she served me my virgin s'berry blended freeze (:
hmmm, the club sandwich is not too bad; but a tad SALTY yah?
haha! alina was GREAT!
got me another portion of fries to replace, but was still prolly about the same?
haha! i had to shake the individual before i tasted it.
*shakes head* too much salt, no good.
haha!
but her company? GREAT!

went down to clarke quay after she was done from work.
it was to THE ARENA (:
ladies 20, guys 22.
oh wells, i even commented to alina-
"i can't remember when was the last time i actually had to pay for cover!"
haha! she and i shared the same thoughts (:

music? pretty messed up.
a jumble of everything, i would say.
the deejay was prolly new, or perhaps not sure of the genre he was playing.
tsk tsk.
house music he said, we looked at each other wondering, "that's what u call house music?"
hip hop music he said, again we questioned "isn't that reggae?"
r&b music he said, once more we questioned "isn't this pop?"
oh wells, u understand what i meant.

john came down from home.
went over to ministry, sneaked out. ha!
but a tad failure, i would say.
axwell was so much better!
or at least, there was the CROWD.
last night? sighs. it looks pretty bare.
OUCH!

went over to lunar to check eelynn out.
was not bad.
stayed outside with her most of the time.
went back to arena to catch up with the rest.
too late; baby girl was pissed drunk already.
she threw up pretty much.
yeah, ray and malik was nice to look after her.
and forcing her to throw it out, everything.
to feel better (:
alina? high. ha! a long time since she felt this way.
me? surprisingly NOT HIGH at all, and surprisingly totally SOBER.
how boring!
after malik sent baby home, the rest of us went in to lunar.
proper HOUSE and TRANCE music!
yay (:
tiesto on the decks! loves (:
a jug of whisky coke and we were having fun at the dance floor (:
yups, fun fun fun!
came out to visit eelynn again.
chat chat chat!
gossip gossip gossip (:

anz had no gum, he finished the last.
adeal (i tink) gave me choco!
yay (:
water parade to keep hydrated.
yups.
stayed till lunar closed, which was 6am.
sighs.
i don't exactly do this THAT often now. ha!

gonna slack now.
cheers!

[dreamt `]
at 6:35 PM

Friday, February 22, 2008

today's my dearest girlfriend- AIN'S birthday (:
happy birthday to you, my babygirl!
many many happy wishes to you (:

steve mac's spinning tonight.
yay(:
i hope i'll be able to sneak out over to ministry tonight.
i don't like arena much much :(
dunno why actually.
besides, i think darren's no longer working already.
sighs.
yups, so how?
have to check with alinah.
our escapade to ministry tonight! haha (:

gotta meet cynthia tonight.
pick my staff card, that is.
sighs.
troublesome!
haha.

gonna slack more.
boos!

[dreamt `]
at 4:49 PM

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

hmmm, i had a great time last saturday (:
not much people went thou;
just myself, panxu, jenny and hao!
john was there with his friends to (:

i had loads of fun (:
yups, my first time too.
haha!

oh wells, just had my wisdom tooth extracted.
OUCH! it hurt hell lot.
am currently on medical leave, till friday.
but i'll be back at work only on sunday.

i can't wait for friday.
ain's birthday (:
my baby's one year older! yay (:
will be out somewhere.
her call, her choice.

next wed, i'll be flying off for taiwan already.
yups, ticket's been bought.
its already sitting on my table (:
yay!

[dreamt `]
at 7:42 PM

Saturday, February 16, 2008

my ankle's getting better (:
it spells good news.
yupz, i'm heading down ministry tmr (:
yay!
i'm so gonna make myself comfortable at axwell's event.
yippee (:

anyways, its been confirmed like 85%?
plans have been changed, new-er plans have been made.
i'll be heading down taipei on the 27th and will be back on the 1st (:
cheers!
i'm finally leaving the grounds on singapore!
woohoo-
i can't wait (:
that is, if mummy books the ticket for me. haha!
if not, i'll be stuck in sunny singapore, once more.
yippee :)

that means, i'll have to be a good girl and inform DEEJAY JASON.
oops!
i can't make it for this month's triple treats at pure then.
oh wells, there are still many more to come (:

its pretty set. ticket's at 590SINGAPORE buckeroos, all inclusive of taxes etc.
probably a transit at hong kong as well.
i don't mind (:
i'm going onboard a PLANE to TAIPEI, on my own.
yay!
be crashing at cousin's place though.
nice nice!
everything's well taken care of.
only problem?
its currently winter up there.
sighs.
nevermind! must bring an open-mind.

alrights.
have to head to bed now.
can't afford to be late, when i'm finally back to work.
i can't wait!

[dreamt `]
at 12:08 AM

Friday, February 15, 2008

how unlucky can one get? i am THE good example of being a tad unlucky this week.

like i blogged earlier, i had high fever the 1st day of my leave clearance. it was all well by the 2nd day but things had to go down the hil for me once again. sighs.

i sprained my ankle. yes, damnit. how clumsy can i get?

now, i'm officially walking with a limp. how interesting to spend my week- at home.
damnit.

anyways, met up with pek geok, alison and nicholas at mac's this afternoon. limped over like a handicap. damnit. slacked for awhile before i headed back home to laze more.

haha. i like clearing my leave. i get to LAZE. i get to SLEEP IN. i get to be UNTIDY. i'm beginning to like every part of it. other then, my incidents turning into accidents. i realise that i'm a huge danger to myself. oh wells, i carry the name of being one who likes to self-inflict pain anyways. haha. i do hope i get better thou.

tsk tsk. saturday is coming already!! and my feet is bandaged. SIGHS. quite awful to head into ministry with my newly bought boyfriend's shirt, denim skirt, red skinny belt but to end off with a bandage on my right ankle. SHEESH! i'm so disappointed!

damnit.

i SO don't wish to miss AXWELL, SWEDEN spin at ministry this saturday. can i not wear the bandage? please?? sighs. doctor says i need to cushion my ankle till it gets better. which means i can walk without feeling pain when i apply pressure. sighs. how long will that take me? i AM so pissed for being such a dickhead- why did i have to be THAT clumsy? sighs.

ah, whatever happened has already happened. i can't change that fact, though.

nevermind then.
i'll play my mp3 forward and back many more times then.
how interesting (:

[dreamt `]
at 12:22 AM

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

am finally on my well-deserved break. am officially clearing leave till 1st march (: be working only 2-3 days per week. how nice (:

today's my official 1st day off- but sadly, im NOT FEELING WELL. sighs. running high fever of 38.2degree celsius. how lucky can one get?

oh wells, i'm hopeful that i'll be better by saturday. come saturday down to ministry of sound for axwell, sweden (: sweet sweet!

off to take my medicine now (:
sighs.

[dreamt `]
at 4:29 PM

Thursday, January 17, 2008

a long while since i last logged in. its close to a month already. wow.

work has been hectic, tired and wearing me off right now. am still working 6 days a week, clocking 60 hours a week. extremely tiring and mentally straining for me. sighs. i've not gotten better ever since falling sick since christmas. symptoms are slightly showing clear signs of improvements but its getting on me that i take at least 2 weeks and more to get better. sheesh. both my hands are still shaking (sometimes, especially when i don't notice), my headache is still not improving, my vision is blurring sometimes. sighs.

i don't wish to see the darn doctor again. i've got too many pills that i just don't wish to finish already. neither do i wish to see the doctor regarding my heart problems as well. sighs.

yes, i don't wish to face the music. not so soon.

i'm currently tired of life now. yes, you've heard me- i'm tired of everything already. 2008 isn't exactly going as smooth as i thought. oh wells, nothing seems to go the right way. i've lost the motion in motivating myself in bringing myself the smile to my face already. there's nothing much to smile about anyways. sighs.

a particular someone surprisingly had the impact to make me cry over him last night. sighs. how ashamed i was, to have dropped tears for him. i couldn't help it. the tears just dropped while i made my way out of sentosa & while i was on the way to ministry of spend the night out. sighs.

i need a break.
badly.

[dreamt `]
at 4:58 PM

Monday, December 24, 2007

merry christmas to everyone (:

i'm tired. just got back from work, have turned into extreme workaholic. just so i can settle my bills and my debts. i'm really exhausted. i need a break soon. sighs.

i've been feeling very empty inside these few days. i've no idea why. sighs.
whatever made me feel this way, i really have no idea.

[dreamt `]
at 11:04 PM

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

some updates on my life;

am officially attached now to my baby- shah or toi (his street name)
works as technical/production crew in the theatres at esplanade.
liza's good friend and brother to the clique she hangs out with.
8years difference but really dotes on me.
my staff and girlfriends who have seen him actually likes him,
surprisingly sweet (:

am officially working 6 days a week; extremely tiring.
trying to make ends meet, thus the 6 days.
simply because i'm officially bankrupt.
this is totally upsetting;
i'm only 22 of age but have already turned bankrupt.
sighs, its disturbingly outrageous.
i just work, work and work to clock in as many hours to settle my outstanding bills and debts that will continue to snowball unless its settled as soon as possible.
sighs. it all started with my hardcore partying.
damnit; whenever will i learn from my stupid mistake?
i'll have to hang myself once more if i continue being an idiot when the new year starts.
its not just cutting down of my partying, i need to cut down on my drinking habit.
being an alcoholic in the year 2oo7 has been ugly enough; and i wish to stop it there.
year 2oo8? i'll need to cut down on my hardcore partying and hardcore drinking.
if not, i'll probably have to start saving up to see a specialist for my liver.
that- would be BAD NEWS.

delmar? work has been better; probably a switch of mindset after a brief talk up at mezzanine.
it probably turned for the better a wee bit late; i sadly regret.
i've missed the 1st promotion already,
sighs. i'll have to work even harder now.
sometimes, i question myself if everything's worth it. is everything really worth me fighting for? will it really be endowed as promised if dutifully accomplished?
sighs. i really wonder.
all i can say now, work is my main priority.
assisting my above superiors are my main concern now.
unless i decide to move off somewhere else.
if not, i'll just be good and work my way up this ladder.
the staff of delmar- i will still love (:
i'm already starting to miss my boys who left for home; jeffrey, noel and ronald. not forgetting my sayang, manelyn (:

just past saturday, 8th dec- zoukout.
delmar was closed for business, so we had our 1st official off day on a saturday (:
we had our company dinner at marina south- bbq steamboat. interesting!
everyone had fun (:
everyone headed down to lunar and ministryofsound after dinner for drinks and to party. everyone had fun; i know i had fun too (:

and yes, just some updates on cafedelmar (:
every saturday is bikini foam party!
foam party sessions are as follows; 3pm-6pm & 10pm-late.
1st 100 bikini girls in the pool at 10pm will receive a complimentory drink.
2 bottles russian standard vodka promotion at $238++, 4mixers included (10pm-4am).

on the 31st of december, 2007- join us at cafedelmar for NYE countdown!
count till the last seconds of the year with guest DJ- DJ Flemming & our house DJs- DJ Has & DJ Hong (:
party till sunrise! which means we'll be running 24hours again- back to old days!
tickets are up for grabs,
please do check out the web for more updates. http://www.cafedelmar.com.sg/

i'm bored. sighs. my off day is usually spent lazing around back home.
yes, i'm a lazy girl (:
baby's still asleep. he's been working since sunday 12pm and he only ended this morning at 4am. yeah, you heard me right- he worked 42 hours straight.
sighs. poor baby; i can't wait to see him soon (:

i need to get re-organised soon. that is, IF i wann to improve.
so what's my verdict?
i WANN to improve. and yes, i WANN to move up the ladder.
so yeah, i'll have to be good (:

tomorrow's going to be a busy day.
3 different events going on at the same time.
busy busy busy; i like (:
i pray for good weather though!
i'm heading back to laze through the internet now.
chaos (:

[dreamt `]
at 11:17 PM

Monday, November 19, 2007

ladies night on wednesday was fun (:
delmar crew at our sister's outlet- ministryofsound.
a whole lot of us headed down to party the night away.

nadiah, juju, noel & myself- we headed down after work at 2am.
rushed down to clarke quay to meet B1 outside lunar.
we catched up for abit, took a couple of photos before rushing over to ministry where the rest of the delmar crew were waiting.
it just took us 5mins to dump our belongings with iz at main arena before the whole crew rushed up to pure room.
reason?
our DJs were battling it out. yay (:
jason, hong and kenneth francis.
has was there too (:
so yeah, delmar crew came to support our delmar DJs.
had alot of fun; especially when drinks were specially prepared by jeff.
whisky coke and vodka redbull juggies i ordered were probably a splash of mixer.
the rest? you guess it- alcohol lethal.
ain and yasmin came up to pure to look for me too.
mashmellow came up too (:
so yeah, all my sweethearts were out to party with me (:

"i can accompany you longer today"
"how come? you're a floater today"
"nopes. new guy today with me at my station"
"okays"
"i wanna get drunk today"
"haha. okays, den drink up"

we partied till the DJs started to slow down before we all migrated to main arena.
to have more fun (:
wan was partying hard at main arena.
the usual spot, dancing his legs tired.
headed over to smoove later.
had more drinks.
tequila shots and more vodka redbull juggies.
mashmellow & me.
that was the end of me already. haha.

headed over to fashionbar to meet ronald & noel.
said my goodbyes and reminded ronald not to say anything silly before heading off.
bala & me.
knocked out bad.
sighs.
an early wake-me-up text from mashmellow.
"u okays? feeling better?"
"yeah, feeling abit better"
"you just disappeared. i couldn't find you"
"ha. got sent back home"
"good"
"you? drunk?"
"very high. went to eat after work so felt much better. was looking for you to go eat"
"oops. was forced to head back home"
"alrights. you take care okays"
"yups, you too"

sweet sweet sweet.
i spent thurs nursing my hangover.
weekends were spent in delmar- night shift, 5pm-4am.
friday was OKAYS> cause it had the crowd. i like (:
saturday was tad BORING> no crowd.
& besides, i had to look after bernard lim's guest who was supposedly a VVIP.
birthday party.
i was looking forward to people who would spend at least a small bomb?
but it turned out to be kids. sheesh.
20 year old birthday girl's party. how fun.
so i was asked to be on standby at the right jacuzzi. butler service basically.
but they ordered like nothing?
just 2 bottle of vodkas which was apparent they had a problem finishing.
sighs.

luckily for me, i was like entertainment manager again. hahas!
a mutual friend of mine and adrian was celebrating her birthday at the left jacuzzi.
lay kiang- my classmate & his neighbour (:
nicholas' friend was also celebrating her birthday.
my favorite CSO- farouq came to visit as well. surprise visit! sweet (:
eelynn came. but along with alinah, ain and ray too (:
so basically, i was running around entertaining different groups of people.
i so missed everyone. hah x)
especially farouq- my favourite guy.
we talked about everything & there's so much more to catch up on.
my darlings? they loved delmar. haha x)
told them to come over earlier the next time so we can spend more time together.
yups. i like (:

yay (:
good news.
i'm back in the morning shift.
like finally i can see the sun.
after 2 months of night shift, tad BORING.
i can't wait.

[dreamt `]
at 6:13 PM

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

what do you say to a man when you realised he has betrayed the simple vouch of being trusthworthy? of being honest? of being the man of your dreams? of always being there for you?

nothing at all. tsk tsk.

no words to express my heartfelt pain and disappointment. nothing to cover up the trust that has been torn apart. nothing to replace the trust that has been broken.

"once broken, considered sold"

i now understand how it is like to be betrayed. not once, twice, let's keep it simple- many a times (unpleasantly true). the feeling of being cheated is equivalent to being stabbed a thousand times through your heart, body, mind and soul.

no one expected things to happen. well, at least i didn't. but everything turned out just the way i least expected. either its bad karma or i'm just plain stupid. i chose to believe the latter.

stupidity- i'm one big fool.

i would probably believe what's not to be trusted but not the ones who i should trust.

"what goes around... comes around;" "all good things come to an end"

probably, things wouldn't be that complicated if feelings weren't given a chance to play a part in this fairytale.

men seem to be adament to everything that happens around them. is it because of the simplest idea of men just out to have fun? do guys feel that being in control is a boost in their ego? do guys feel that they have a higher hand to play after having satisfied their lust of new meat?

bastards, i call them- disgustedly.
a wimp not to face reality.

men- they confuse me now.

all of a sudden, they don't interest me like they used to. have i turned skeptical towards all these creatures? probably so. its not hard to imagine oneself strandled alone in the midst of a relationship. anything to leave you alone with no one to turn to. is that a common gesture of an undisciplined ego taking over the lifeless body of a man? perhaps so.

too many men equates to too many problems.

some turn out to be not that nice afterall;
some turn out to be not that lonely afterall;
some turn out to be not that gentlemen afterall;

they always say, "i've nothing to hide"
truth to be told, "i've everything to hide away from my new found meat"

they leave their girlfriends or wives back at home.
they leave their children back at home.
they leave their fatherly image back at home.

it saddens me to know that men treat women as disposable items.
sighs.

[dreamt `]
at 2:24 PM

Monday, November 12, 2007

how many times in a month do i have to wake up to phone calls that rings in the morning with an upset&crying/angry&uncivilized lady on the other side of the line?

sighs.
many a times, i supposed.

sighs.
i need help.

[dreamt `]
at 1:33 PM

Saturday, November 10, 2007

somehow, someway, somewhere- you'll be able to find comfort out of the messed up world that we live in. no matter how hard it seems, that spark of light will always be there. yes, it's probably hidden behind all the masks that i've been wearing everyday. and now, i'm too tired to even don the mask.

perhaps, i've been too busy.
perhaps, i've been too intoxicated to notice.
perhaps, i've always turned a deaf ear to it.
perhaps, i've never learned.

but now, its different.

why do we, woman always be-little ourselves to the faces of men? why do we- woman always follow the footsteps that the men have placed before us? have we not noticed the many times we've been hurt time after time?

yes, the truth hurts. but we've probably forced ourselves to go through the pain of no other because we chose to.

we choose to listen to the sweet nothings that he blabbers.
we choose to believe his explanation of why he never called or why he was late, etc.
we choose to trust him with no fear that he'll one day turn his back on us.
we choose to share with him the most intimate moments in everyday that passes.
we choose to believe that our hearts will beat as one.

cliched as it might sound, its true.
i can vouch for it.
silly as it may be, i was a fool myself.
a fool that no one's word mattered as much as his does.

tears fall uncontrollably when the night forces the lonliness out from you. you shudder at the thought of seeing urself alone in the middle of the night, waking up to still expect to see his body laying beside you. your heart and body yearns for his touch and security, wishing he felt the same. but nothing is forever.

no man will lay his life down with words of wisdom that he'll always put the woman at his priority. no man will hold on to his words of always being there for the woman, no matter how hard or far it is. there is no happy ending to this game called love.

or rather, having skeptically calculated with the drastic numbers of heartbreaks around- the percentage of having found a good man is probably just 3 out of 10(let's not be too mean to the rest of the people out there). but then again, how long or far will these 3 go?

i'm tired of having to be-little my value or dignity towards man anymore.
i'm tired of having to wonder what man wonders anymore.

i look away from those eyes of men, disgusted.
disgusted that they choose to see flesh as new meat or new prey.
disgusted that they choose to feed on their prey to satisfy their lust.
disappointed that we, woman still unknowingly fall into their trap.
i was one.
stupid silly one- having my heart broken, had my mind twisted, had my emotions swinging high&low as if it was a yo-yo.

i've learned my lesson.
i'm moving on.

i know in my heart, there's always people who will love me for who i am and what i am. no matter what happens, they'll be there for me as my bestest friend and will probably never judge me for being an idiot for doing the craziest things i always do. i know they'll hug me and hold my head up and make me repeat that "I LOVE MYSELF MORE".

they?
simply you- my girlfriends.
my loves, my sweethearts <3

[dreamt `]
at 3:03 PM

Monday, October 29, 2007

i got so fucking wasted on wednesday.
yes, i heard you- ladies night.
it was a killer for me.

basically, i was really upset having not heard anything from "lunar".
my whole intention was to get drunk.
simply because i was pissed off;
or rather more of upset and disappointed with everything that happened.

1st, he didn't want to acknowledge the relationship.
2nd, he didn't want me to look for him at lunar.
3rd, he wanted my friends to know him as a "friend".
4th, he didn't want to reply my messages or pick up my calls.
5th, he only wanted to talk to me only on his off day.

somehow, my heart just sank.
i dunno why i bother so much actually.

anyways, headed down to ministryofsound- as planned.
i wanted to get really wasted that night.
but i was really bothered by the fact that he didn't bother, at all.
texts were sent; calls were made.
nothing was answered. not even a single one.
yes, i did drop tears for the "lunar" guy.

sighs, how useless.

i had my first taste of heneiken that night.
i didn't like it.
don't get me wrong- i know its one of the best.
but simply because i don't fancy beer.
but i decided to taste something my "mos" liked.
a beer man, i call. haha:)
everything else came too fast.
tequila shots at the bar.
whisky greentea.
vodka cranberry.
more beer.
vodka rebull.
a mixed jug of something from the clinic boys.
more alcohol from chris and jeff.
more beer again.
that was the start of my downside.
sighs.

i trust ju, cheryl, vivian and ronald for being my sweethearts.
i mean SWEETHEARTS.
they were the ones who picked me up, cleaned me up, took care of me.
sighs.
i was in a mess. a total messed up girl who lost her senses.
i couldn't remember how many times i threw up.
till there was blood.
damnit.

cheryl and vivian headed into lunar to look for the "lunar" fella.
my heart sank one feet deep when his excuse was literally see-through.
cheryl questioned him; his answer was "sorry, i don't know"
i really don't understand what's going on.
sighs.
i didn't hear anything from him.
even when i was fucking wasted and drunk outside lunar.
not one text, not one missed call.
even when i got drunk because of him.
silly me, aye?

what about the "mos" fella?
i dunno if i should be happy or upset actually.
he turned out to be the one who cheered me up the whole night.
yes, i actually sneaked out from smoove a couple of times with him.
he came over to where i was in smoove a couple of times.
main arena changed to our party music:)
and we sneaked over a couple of times.
like little kids playing out on the streets after curfews.
we kept our eyes opened for anyone who looked suspicious.
just in case, we get caught. cutsy:)
we even ended up in pure.
our favorite:)
he turned out really sweet. like an ideal guy:)
but sadly not anytime soon or in any future.
he was the one who wanted to look after me when i was really wasted outside.
sheesh, but he was 10mins too late?
i ended up in cheryl's place.
my 2 baobei really looked after me.
super sweet of them:)

yesterday- ministryofsound for nightmare before halloween.
staff gathering.
i had fun.
until "mos" had to text me that his gf gave him yet another surprise visit once more.
sighs. i was disappointed once more.
i didn't bother with him the whole night.
until he texted me like 4-nish?
i was already in the taxi line.
"wru"
"taxi line. why?"
"so early"
"bored. no one to accompany me."
"stay? club's extending till 6am"
"sighs. ur gf's here seh"
*no reply*

i continued to wait for my cab.
occasionally looking behind me, lunar's backdrop.
john was heading over after work.
i was tempted.
but was still cautious due to the "lunar" guy's existance.
"can i meet you?"
"because i'm just outside"
*no reply*

i gave up.
yati came over to the taxi line.
she ended work at 3am.
we talked about stuff.
everything that happened within this whole week.
how my heart sank. how my eyes watered.
for these 2 guys. "lunar" and "mos"
sighs.
when suddenly, "mos" fella had to appear.
i was caught speechless.
sighs. until he asked;
"did you see my gf?"
"no. i don't look after her"
"i've got a problem with her"
"what's wrong"
"i can't find her"
"alright, i didn't see her in the queue. if that's what you're asking"
"why you dowan stay till club close? its extended till 6am"
"i know. but there's no company"
"ahem" *looks at himself*
"ur gf's still here"
"text me later"

i headed back.
texted him;
"you didn't have a problem with ur gf because of me right?"
"nopes. don't worry."
"alright"
"just couldn't find her just now"

disappointment seeped in.
heart sank once again.

i did the dumbest move.
an exact text i sent to "mos"
"just rch home. hope u found ur gf. it kind of sucks always running away from ur gf. i dunno what i am actually. damnit"

don't ask me what got into me.
i've no idea myself.
maybe because like what nadiah said, it seems like the gf knows something?
sighs. its obvious that he's protecting the gf, not me.
all the way from the start.
before everything even started; all the way from delmar.
why did everything turned so wild?
why bother to hold me back when you already have a gf?
you ask me to stay; ur gf's heading back home soon.
you ask me to ignore; ur gf just turned up at the club.
you ask me to wait; ur gf's not around.
what exactly am i to you?

why the hell do i feel so manipulated?
emotionally, mentally and physically crushed.
tired of everything that's going on around me.

i thought i was able to push him to the farthest end of my sub-conscious mind.
i thought i was able to push him away.
i managed to do so; for 62days.
that was when he asked me to leave; something that hurt me badly.
now?
he's turning everything back to square one.
same scenarios, different locations.
no longer at delmar; welcome to ministry- smoove.
damnit.
i have to learn to let go, i guess.
its hard.
i've to start psycho-ing myself now.

a new wednesday is coming.
yet another ladies night to come.
but this time, with nadiah along:)
we hold each other for strength now.
i hope.
it'll be lunar and ministryofsound on wednesday.
we're going for our rounds of visiting?
haha.

sighs.
i so miss my real self.
have i lost myself already?
sheesh;

[dreamt `]
at 12:41 AM

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

confused over everything around me.
nadiah knows what's going on.
cheryl knows what's going on.
but i don't know what's going on.
perhaps, they understand the situation?
perhaps, i'm trying to numb myself that shit doesn't always happen again?
sighs.
what goes around comes around?
maybe i'm feeling this way coz i allow myself to feel this cramp.
this cramped up feeling is definitely making me sick.
damnit.

i would have thought that it would be "mos" who's giving me the headaches.
but surprisingly, its "lunar".
somehow, i probably learned to feel attached to "lunar" already.
and when i learn to feel attached, shit always happens.
i feel skeptical about this mindless game called "love" - simply because its tiring.

tired?;
physically draining.
emotionally tiring.
mentally tested.
sexually challenged.
simply, everything's put to a test.
worthwhile?

the pumping of my heart just tells me that i'm still in the real world.
i'm consciously telling my sub-conscious mind to stop brooding over the matter.
"just forget about it"
"damnit"
"don't get yourself hurt again"
"damnit"

truth usually hurts; it does.
instead of running away, i guess being straightforward is better.
whether there is a 2-way opened door policy, it doesn't really matter now.
running away only just proves likewise to me.

i'm starting to miss him again.
"damnit"

i don't want to be a fool already.
no more of it.
i'm tired already.
it sucks big time.

i'll just do what nadiah said.
"c'mon"
my fingers fumble while the letters form into words.
sighs.
it stopped just exactly when the option states "send"
"c'mon"
sighs.
"message send"

i wonder what he's going to say.
or is he just not going to say anything?

"damnit"

[dreamt `]
at 12:17 AM

Sunday, October 21, 2007

crazy time on wednesday.
off day. spent lazing outside the whole day.
met gerald for dinner at taka, ajisan:)
cheryl and ayu outside L.V.
our baobei, vivian came down to clarke quay too.

macdonald's for cheryl and ayu's dinner.
dessert for both vivian and i.
smoke break for liza baby.
headed over to the bridge to meet ayu's friend.
bottle of absolute blue.
cranberry juice.
cheekily yummilicious:)
even though i'm no vodka drinker.
cause it gives me a headache, especially absolute.

anyways, baby texted where i was.
went over to lunar with vivian on my right and redbull on my left.
vivian wanted to see how baby looked.
hahas.
cute aye?
hung around for awhile, before we headed over to ministryofsound.
to check someone else out.
heh.

smoove was busy.
he came out to chat.
for awhile.
sweet:)
got him a bottle of beer- as promised.
one text came from him that kinda made me down almost instantly.
even vivian felt it.
"my gal fren's here"
sheesh.
my reply?
"okays. guess i'll disappear then"
disappointment seeped in.
i decided to just pass him the beer i promised and bum myself off smoove.
that was the whole intention.
i went up to the bar beside pure.
no idea why. i just felt like it.
i had vodka redbull. extra packs.
nice:)
i was supposed to feel distracted, when another text came in.
late. very late. as usual. his style.
"nopes. don't leave. she's going off in 10 mins"
"okays"
"meet me on the 2nd floor. at the bar we had our drinks the 1st time we came"
"i'm here already"
"how did you know i wanted you there?"
"i dunno. i just headed up here"
"okays. wait for me. i'll be there 1.30"
"okays"
vivian just looked at me, smiled sadly.
i knew what was going through her mind.
she asked me why he was doing all these to me.
i had no answer to her question.
i even had no idea why i still allowed myself to be manipulated.
am i just too deep in this?
sighs.
he appeared as promised, 1.31am.
he kept tugging and requesting me to head down to main arena.
simply, to dance.
i turned him down. simply because pictures of us having fun just re-appeared again.
even though i thought i've managed to push it to the farthest end of my brain.
but i guess, i still failed.
especially when he held my wrist?
he went back to smoove, after visiting me upstairs.
i asked him,
"has your girlfriend really went home?"
"actually, i dunno"
"okays"
"i'll see you later? come over smoove look for me okays?"
"alright"
i decided to head back to the bridge to look for cheryl and the rest of the crew.
accidentally bumped into a girl on the way out.
near the bag collection point.
while i was apologizing, i turned to see who exactly i bumped into.
shocked.
it was his girlfriend's friend.
she was directly opposite me.
oops.
i headed for the exit almost immediately.
don't ask me if she saw me, or rather if she recognize me.
i've no idea.
i would just say, my heart sank one foot deep.
more drinks were drowned down.
i found out another secret as well.
sighs.
i dunno if i should be happy or upset.
apparently, i'm not me on his phone.
i'm a fiction person on his phone.
a guy, in fact.
now i understand why i need to label him "bro".
sighs.
vivian asked me who i really like.
i've no idea.
she'll smile, look at me and ask,
"mos or lunar?"
"i dunno"
"i think you like mos"
"why?"
"your feelings tells it all"
sheesh.

perhaps, you're right vivian.
but i've to let him go.
time to come.
his answer or reply?
"a girlfriend who really really loves me- for 4yrs already"
sighs.

whatever the case.
i think i need to learn to start putting the new kid in lunar before mos.
but then again.
he's behaving slighly like zai?
perhaps, because of the working hours.
yet another workaholic?
nopes.
plainly because he does night shifts.
10pm-6am. 6 days a week.
sheesh.
i'm starting to miss him already.
faizal:)

tired.
i need to start counting my sheeps already.
nights to all, my love:)

[dreamt `]
at 12:16 AM

Friday, October 12, 2007

a mess for all to see.

out partying on wednesday. ladies night.
with my baby- liza.
kid, wan and koko was with us as well :)
i had fun with wan.
back to old times.
haha`

mashmellow was around.
we slacked together.
he smoked, i had my fair share of smoke- passively.
i actually texted him.
that i missed everything between us.
sighs.
whatever made me do that.
i've no idea.
perhaps, because i had him in full view in front of me while partying?
sighs.
wan was behind me and he was in front of me.
lost? confused?
yeahs, a whole lot of mixed feelings.
but, seriously- i do miss him.
everything.
from gossipping in his amp room, to laying on his chest at the beach chilling.
sighs.
i dowan to think about it already.
just makes me miss him more.

made new friends at lunar.
while visiting my dearest- yati.
haha`
took lots of photos:)
i can't wait to see em.
cause my camera's still with yati.
ah wells.

new kid on the block.
faizal:)
from lunar.
ahh`x)
can't wait to see him soon.
yays!

yati's birthday.
sunday.
gay night?
probably.
i miss some people already:)

*loves!

[dreamt `]
at 2:17 PM

Saturday, October 06, 2007

off on monday.
i had no idea what to do. sighs.
met up with eelynn, town-ing.
what we do best:)

slacked around town till about 10-nish before heading over to lunar.
along with elizabeth and vivian.
melvin was there, again.
got eelynn her job:)
yays!
dominic was nice to do the interview- immediately.
cool:)
babe's got her job at ministryofsound now.
officially a lifebrandz chic now.
yays:)

"i/c please."
"no entry."

had a wee bit more of martell and tattinger champagne downed my throat.
sheesh.
drinking continuously for 2 days.
meeting melvin and jerry- that's the end.
ouch!

pool and bowling on tuesday.
kim seng and marina south.
woah.
elizabeth and elvis.
yes, don't look at me weird.
li jun and xu fang came as well.
so yeah, not just the 3 of us.
yups, fun.
skin of my fingers split.
dry and cracked.
thanks to bowling.
amatuer`

km8 on wed morning with cheryl.
it looked like another island. nice:)
scorching sun.
beautiful scenery.
quiet. peaceful.
we had fun- cheryl and me.
finger food and our drinks- daiquiri and margaritas:)
work at 5pm was boring.
sighs.
lunar and ministry, after work.
which was like 3am?
wow.
yes, that's what you call a party animal.
crazy.
i get that really often.
my body's physically breaking down.
i know it cause i can feel it.
oh wells, i'll just fake it through.

headed down delmar thurs early.
tanning in delmar was illegal- so i had to sneak.
caught in the act.
heh.
requested to work.
short-handed.
oh wells, i could head off early plus get my tan at the same time.
bonus time.
headed over to clarke quay after work.
12-nish?
alco-pops to thirst my throat.
ended back in town- balcony.
with whyte&mackay13yrs on my laps.
yummy:)

fridays&saturdays will be burnt at work.
5pm till 4am.
ouch.
actually, once in a while isn't that bad.
keeps my pocket heavier for that week.
just that it'll be spent more freely when the next week comes.
hahas.

i can't wait for sunday.
off to km8 with the girls.
tanning session plus massive gossip session.
hahas.
heading down stjames in the night.
probably.
i need to get insured for my liver- SOON.
in case of any liver failure, will i get compensation?
hahas.

'm confused with the people around me.
are they who they really are?
ouch.

[dreamt `]
at 2:49 PM

Monday, October 01, 2007

last night was dangerous, yet fun.
haven't been at st.james for at least a month plus.
so coming back to my playground was feeling slighly un-familiarly familiar.

fabulous sunday.
gay night.
yes, the door "bitch" was not adrian or samuel last night.
someone else.
cute. ha.
did a silly survey with him.
funny, when i had 8 others with me.

oh wells, my clique of friends.
party crazy friends.
cafedelmar & wheelockcrew.
my sweets:)

welcome party back to st.james.
starting drinks with juggies 1st.
free-flow of candyfloss and popcorn.
cause it was carnival party for fabulous:)
yummlicious`

lawrence and adam was at intro bar.
both were fed candyfloss by me, while they fixed my drinks:)
yay.
someone had his fair share of flirting with my bartenders o.0
naughty naughty.
but den again, he bought me drinks.
so, thankyewverymuch:)

tequilashots were shared.
juggies were shared.
photos were taken with love:)

welcome party was definitely not that-welcoming afterall.
had one too many drinks.
from one table to another.
cafedelmar to wheelockcrew.
i was entertainment manager. ha.

busy busy busy on the phone.
disappointing that it wasn't baby.
sighs. as usual- it never seems easy to get him anyways.
its like he's never available.
oh wells, i'm tired.
maybe cause of the age difference?
i've no idea.
sighs.
anyways, it was newurbanmale on the phone.
whole night.
till i fell asleep.
yeaps, accompanion on text.
how interestingly innovative.

be going down lunar tomorrow.
with elizabeth and i dunno who else.
not sure which prc be going down tomorrow as well.
hopefully, i'll be able to keep my liver sane tomorrow.
if i continue drinking this manner, my liver's gonna hate me deep.
sighs.
i was supposed to be good.
its the fasting month aye.
i actually managed to fast for 2weeks plus and darn, came lunar.
forced throats at lunar broke the fasting month for me.
sighs.
and since its been broken, its all the way out.
ha.
dangerous-ly insane.
i should be good. stop for one week.
at least.
my resolution always seem to be broken.
sighs.
where's my discipline?
better keep my resolution of heading back to school by march still intact.
i should stop procrastinating so much.
yeaps.

by 2oo8;
by march- be enrolled into school.
'm still in dilemma if i should do full-time or part-time.
by june- be enrolled into driving school.
'm still in dilemma if i should do school or private.
by june- should have upgraded my position (IF i'm still in delmar)
by june- OR should have fucked off from sentosa.

haha.
i'm a procrastinator.
damnit.
why am i still goofy about it?
sheesh.

i need a life.
of my own.
'm being skeptical on how this will be; baby and me.
ahh.
will it even last?
'm getting tired already.
seems like i've lost my will to carry on?
maybe cause we dunno each other well enough.

ahh.
enough said.
gonna head out.
town-er!
boos:)

[dreamt `]
at 3:07 PM

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

am staying in delmar now.
no word of transfer- as yet.

but i guess i'll be staying?
for good?

at least, at the moment.
heh~

[dreamt `]
at 12:13 PM

Monday, September 24, 2007

i spent 2 days thinking what i really wanted. in delmar.
if it was still worth to stay or to just drop the letter to the managers.
i decided to choose the former, to stay in delmar.
accept the offer and stay on till end of the year.

i wanted to prove to the rest that i wasn't any pushover.
i wanted to prove to the rest that i was worth the pennies they were paying me.
i wanted to prove to the rest that i am able to work.
i wanted to prove to the rest that i want to win this race.

return to delmar was like a start anew.
but things turned drastically- threehundredsixtydegree turn.
i've been transferred.
noneotherthan- lunar.

sighs.
i talked, asked questions and thought ALOT.
finally, i accepted the transfer.
wells, i have to. i can't say no to the transfer.
sighs.
i'm so gonna miss delmar, awholeLOT!

the first step into the construction site>15th january2007
the first day it opened the doors>19th january2007
our first big event>10th march2007
the first day transfered to the beach>16th april2007
the crazy staff party>27th august2007

sighs.
anyways, i'll probably need to get a day job den.
at least, i can save up abit.
IF i manage to psycho myself into enrolling into school early next year.

someone has offered me to join them.
higher income than that of delmar.
sighs.
i've no idea.

sheesh`

[dreamt `]
at 12:44 AM

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

i'm tired.
i'm upset.
i'm demoralised.
i'm screwed up.
i'm basically, fucked up.

work has been fucking unenjoyable since staff party.
everything's screwed up.
i don't see why anyone still enjoys work.
other den the international staff.

tsk tsk.

the team should be working together- finding ways to perform better.
not, always out there to pick on people- breaking them down.

i'm tired of everything.
i so wann to leave.
but den again, being the stubborn me- if i throw my resignation letter, its just showing them that i agree to them about being a loser.

i wann the LAST laugh, not them.

sighs.
even zai asked me to leave the company.
i dunno.

he says its gonna be bad-
for health,
for wealth,
and for the relationship.

tink he meant the relationship btw me and the management.

wells, they're out to cut me now.
so what else is there which they won't do?
my reputation's fucked up by them already.

sighs.
i need to get more chocolates.

to feel better.
damn.

[dreamt `]
at 12:05 PM

Saturday, September 15, 2007

the heart's failing.
the mind's waivering.
the body's weakening.

the time's ticking faster than i count my 1,2,3.
i don't have a ticket to go back time.
i don't have a time machine to turn back time; turn back whatever happened.

i'm beginning to hate myself for being a STUPID fool.
its all too late to regret now.
i swore to carry the consequences on my own.
i swore to not let him carry the burden.

can i say, i swore too early?
its all too late to regret now.

pills popped; once again.
wrist slit; once again.

mind's blank. here i lay on my bed; unwilling.
unwilling to let go.
unwilling to give in.
unwilling to break free.
unwilling to understand.
unwilling to forgive.
unwilling to forget.

the tears just drop uncontrollably.
i thought you said you'll be there to catch me fall.
i thought you said you'll be there to catch my tears.
i thought you would be there for me.
as my best friend.
as my brother.
as my mentor.

i thought wrong.

why hold me and tell me about life?
why show me how to open my eyes?
why led me on?

at the end, i'm still the biggest fool.
because i'm unable to make myself hate you.
because i'm unable to make myself let go.
because i'm unable to make myself walk away.
because i'm still uncontrollably crying over you.
because i'm unable to blame you.

i hate myself for loving you.
i hate myself for letting myself go in this deep.

you turned your back.
you walked away.
i don't need to turn away; because you'll never see the tears that fall for you.

these songs are so getting into me;
sighs.
tears fall again.
where have you gone, this time?

"Don't Speak"

You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always I really feel
That I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

Our memories
Well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening
As we die, both you and I
With my head in my hands
I sit and cry

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

It's all ending
I gotta stop pretending who we are...
You and me
I can see us dying...are we?

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't tell me cause it hurts!
I know what you're saying
So please stop explaining

Don't speak,
don't speak,
don't speak,
oh I know what you're thinking

And I don't need your reasons
I know you're good,
I know you're good,
I know you're real good
Oh, la la la la la la La la la la la la

Don't, Don't, uh-huh
Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush don't tell me tell me cause it hurts
Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush don't tell me tell me cause it hurts

"Bukan Cinta Biasa"

Begitu banyak cerita
Atas sebab ada duka
Cinta yang ingin ku tulis
Bukanlah cinta biasa

Dua keyakinan beza
Masaalah pun takkan sama
Ku tak ingin dia ragu
Mengapa mereka selalu bertanya

Cintaku bukan di atas kertas
Cintaku getaran yang sama
Tak perlu di paksa
Tak perlu di cari
Kerna ku yakin ada jawabnya...ohhh

Andai ku bisa merubah semua
Hingga tiada orang terluka
Tapi tak mungkin,
Ku tak berdaya
Hanya yakin menunggu
Jawabnya

Janji terikat setia
Masa mengupas segala
Mungkin dia kan berlalu
Ku tak mahu mereka tertawa

Diriku hanya insan biasa
Miliki naluri yang sama
Tak ingin berpaling
Tak ingin berganti
Jiwa ku sering saja berkata..ohh

Andai ku mampu mengulang semula
Ku pasti tiada yang curiga
Kasih kan hadir
Tiada terduga
Hanya yakin menunggu
Jawapan...

Cintaku bukan di atas kertas
Cintaku getaran yang sama
Tak perlu di paksa
Tak perlu di cari
Kerna ku yakin ada jawabnya...ohhh

Andai ku bisa merubah semua
Hingga tiada orang terluka
Tapi tak mungkin
Ku tak berdaya
Hanya yakin menunggu
Jawabnyaohhh

Diriku hanya insan biasa
Miliki naluri yang sama
Tak ingin berpaling
Tak ingin berganti
Jiwa ku sering saja berkata..ohh

Andai ku mampu pulang semula
Ku pasti tiada yang curiga
Kasih kan hadir
Tiada terduka
Hanya yakin menunggu
Jawapan...

[dreamt `]
at 12:09 AM

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

tired. haven't had a good rest for the past whole week. imagine having just less than 10 hours of sleep for the past 4days. sheesh!

no wonder, i'm nursing a stupid flu and fever now.
ahh..

anyways, i finally got my stupid resume updated.
i'm still contemplating aye.

next week, we're gonna start our long-awaited 5days week.
is it too late to make improvements now?
trying hard to keep all the lingering staff now?

i wonder.

sighs.
my head's hurting like hell.

thursday's the start of fasting month already.
i think i should fast as well. hah.
might as well, since no one seems to actually notice that i'm chinese.
sighs.
how interesting after you get over-tanned.
so the saying goes-
"once you get black, you cannot get back."
how true.
tsk tsk.

maybe have my last night of partying before i end it for one month?
hah.

we'll see.
a sick person wouldn't EXACTLY be able to enjoy herself.

unless i've got the moving crowd.
heh.

[dreamt `]
at 12:57 AM

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

life's complicated now.
i chose this path myself.
so whatever consequences, i'll handle it on my own.
if it ever backfires, i'll answer it on my own.

i don't wish to run away now.
its too late to run away from reality already.
whatever happened, happened with and for a reason.

i'll just have to learn it the hard-est way.
i never seem to NOT get into any sticky situation.
i never seem to NOT make myself get hurt.

sighs.

my hand hurts.
its probably a slight infection.
oh wells, an expected answer for doing something stupid.

stubborn.
rebellious.
i am who i am.
i wann to stay this way.

in the dark. yes, i know i'm being a fool.
the biggest fool, i must add.
but i've lost control already.

i've lost my head, my mind and my heart.
i wann to leave.
my body's willing; but not my heart and my mind.
my tears drop un-controllably.
i wann to turn my back away from the pain.
i wann to walk away and not let the tears be realised.
i wann you this way.

just let me be the biggest fool.
the biggest fool who knows that she's being fooled.
the biggest fool to continue being a fool.
the biggest fool to be manipulated foolishly.
the biggest fool who still wants to be treated as a fool.
the biggest fool who have fallen foolishly deep.
the biggest fool to still stay in that mess.
the biggest fool who deserves more than this trouble.

i just said- i AM the biggest fool.
so sue me; if you're unhappy.
tsk tsk.

let me stay?
in this foolishly naive world of mine.
*tears fall once again.
*it hurts THAT bad.

[dreamt `]
at 12:14 AM

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

let me tell you a story.

one day, boy went for an event. it was a whole day event, from day to night. "an outdoor event- it should be interesting:)" the boy thought. first person that caught his eye when he just came to work was girl, wearing black glasses. one glance, second glance- that was all. "that is what i call tanned legs. let me try and get her attention during the day." boy walked around where the girl worked, trying to get her attention. but sadly, he failed. in the evening, another girl came up to boy and asked for his number. he gave his number and decided to forget about the girl but concentrate on his work. boy found it hard and decided to walk around the girl's workplace again. boy looked around and spotted her at work. black glasses and tanned legs. event ended. boy received a text from a girl who asked for his number. but boy left without asking the black-glasses' girl her number. he lost his chance.

one day, girl went to work with her black glasses- for a change. an outdoor event at night, but setup of the place in the day. first person that caught her eye. boy with black shirt and berms carrying the equipments. "cute. possible eye candy for the day:)" the girl thought. work started for her and she concentrated on her work, occassionally looked around to see if she could spot the guy. girl lamented to her cashier about the guy. work as per normal. before the event started, the cashier was on her way out from work-spotted the guy and decided to take his number for the girl. she returned happy for the girl but the girl was pretty shocked. especially when the event haven't started. after the event, girl finally texted the guy.

girl missed her last transport.
boy offered to send her back. "its on the way" boy said.

finally they met, face-to-face.
girl smiled.
boy smiled.

it turned out that the girl who took his number was the black-glasses girl:)

he sent her back. but they chatted all the way till there was first sign of sunshine.
"will i see you again?" boy asked.
"sure." girl replied.
"i'll text you:)" boy smiled.

unexpected things always happen.
*sweet:)

p/s: i'll let you hold my hand; just so we can walk next to each other:)

[dreamt `]
at 11:42 AM

Friday, August 17, 2007

life's a mess right now.
i'm one extremely confused child.

stuck in between.
no idea what i should do.
to turn left.
or right.

spent a bomb today.
retail therapy always works.
even though it'll seriously burn a hole in my wallet:)

i would just conclude that i nearly spent close to 1k today.
but because I'M SPECIAL- it was reduced to just 500bucks.
which is still ALOT. considering the 2 zeros behind that 5.
but i saved half of what i could have spent.

oh wells.
i'm getting old-er soon.
sighs.

not exactly a good sign.
because i STILL dunno what i wann.

guys?
work?
family?
last but not the least, myself?

i'm confused with everything that's happening around me.
the world's spinning too fast now.

sighs.

i can't wait for my birthday week.
i wanna go out:)

someone special:)
my girlfriends:)
my minahs:)
my darling:)
my sweethearts:)

so many appointments:)
so little time!

i need a break soon.
again.
to clear my head.

idowantobethenaiveoneagain.
idowantobethesillyoneagain.

can you not play with matters of the heart?
please:)

[dreamt `]
at 1:30 AM

Thursday, July 26, 2007

i'm tired of everything already.
i'm seriously tired of living now.

i've lost too much of myself within this month.
emotionally. physically. mentally.
i've lost everything in an instance.
i don't even know why i would be such an idiot.

surprisingly, i've stayed sober for the past 3weeks.
but its not making me a happier girl ;(
its making me more lonely each day.

i'm standing outside the door of happiness.
but i'll never be able to enter.
because?
i don't see the door knob.
but i'll never ask where it is.
i'll probably walk away.
and never realise that all i had to do was just give the door-a push.

these days have made me lost sight of what i truly wanted.
i go through the days in slow motion.
hoping that if the slower i moved, time would probably play a part as well.
but i was wrong.
time fast forward without even informing me.
now, i'm left alone at the end.
in the dark.

no one to hold.
no one to call my own.

i've been silly.
now i've lost my soul that night.
i lost everything that night.
when i agreed to follow.
now its all too late to regret.
whatever happened once, happened twice, happened thrice, etc.

what have become of me?
i lost myself in the midst of silliness.
i can't cry out no more.
i can't smile out no more.

no more treating me nice.
no more making me feel warm.
no more letting me feel safe.
no more trying to touch my heart.

at the end, i'll still lose.
my heart's been shattered too many times to even be pieced back.
my body's been too broken to even be nursed back.
my mind's been too twisted to even think straight.

i don't wish to live anymore.
i wish to end this pathetic life of mine.

booze and pills don't make me happy anymore.
or rather, i've forgotten how happiness tasted anymore.

why do everyone just make use of me?
why do everyone just toy my feelings?

maybe, its me.
i'm the silly one.

silly enough to listen.
silly enough to believe.
silly enough to trust.

the bond's been broken. twisted apart.

//tears dropped nonchalently.
//no strength to wipe them away.
//my body's too bruised already.
//like a battered dog left out on the streets.
//whimpers and cries.
//scars that hide every story.
//shield my eyes from the pain.
//just let me go.
//away for this world anymore.
//let me go to the faraway place.

i want to end it all.
before i turn another year older.
maybe.

i feel my heartbeat beating slowly now.
my heart's probably losing faith as well.
its not pumping as fast as the blood leaving the host.
i guess its tired of all the burden around as well.

my hands shaking now.
i wann to leave.
silently.

without anyone to bother me.
without anyone to disturb.

amonthmoretogo.
my days are numbered.

before anything does happens; it'll be nice to tell the people around me how much i feel for them.
i'll just cut things short. time is running up already.

peksy/alison: the 2 of you have been my best friends for the past 5-8 years. i learnt to look on the brighter side of life, i learnt to look upon my friends when i needed them, i learnt to share my thoughts with the outside world, etc. you 2 have brought me to understand what true friendship really means. i miss our little hangouts, chilling out each others' place. i miss having our little makan sessions. imagine the amount of calories we put on everytime we head out for dinner, but its all worthwhile:) our chats about work, school and boys, etc. thank you for always being there for me.

ain/alinah/yasmin/xiaohui: the girls who's always been there even after i disappointed you guys, time and time again. the girls who are always there to cheer me up with their silly tactics that sometimes make me wonder why i frown at the beginning. the ones who made working life a breeze which made staying at the job even longer when i seriously started to destest it. i miss that christmas eve/or was that new year's eve- where we sat below wheelock and had fun. i miss my last day where we turned wheelock into a mess, cleared it up, and pretended nothing ever happened that particular night. i miss having leftovers with the mtv blasting at its highest volume. thank you for everything that you guys have given to me. the bestest girlfriends to have to go clubbing. i miss that too.

my family: i've lived up to 21 years of age. done nothing right from the start. nearly caused the family to break up because of me. nearly caused my siblings to lose the mother after losing the father. rebellious at heart and stubborn at mind. never did well with grades and never had a good reputation in school. shame was all that i had. but i accepted it because i chose that. i never enjoyed having a family without a father. yes, i've been selfish because i've spent a couple more years that the rest of my siblings. but because i did, i hated him for leaving me. why didn't he just take me away with him on that day when he layed on the hospital bed in pain? it changed my heart on how i looked at people. from that very day. i never liked hospitals since. i stay out from the house because i don't like being in it. i'm the black sheep of the family already. so counting me out, wouldn't matter to me. it hurts to sit together but we discuss nothing. maybe because we're all growing up differently. i know i am. i'm broken inside wild outside. i hate myself. alot. but then again, i thank you guys for having to take all my nonsence for the past 21 years. you've done great.

i'm hating myself every bit.
slowly. slowly.
i wann to let go of everything and be free.

can i go to the faraway land that people always talk about?
i'm tired already.
too strained now.

i wann to pack my bags and leave.
my heart's feeling cold now.
but i can't find the tears anymore.

[dreamt `]
at 11:35 PM

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

tired of everything- family, work, friends, relationships, finance, materials and myself.
bascially my whole life.
yes, my blackandwhite life.

i've lost all the colours in my life.
i wonder where it all went. down the drain, i supposed.

i find solitude from lonliness.
traded my toys for boys. but i never always seem lucky.
lost myself in the midst of whirling around- looking for directions.

sighs.
popping might be another alternative again.

drinking myself drunk is so ~~unhealthy~~.
sighs.
drink, drank and getting drunk.
as usual.

i need a body check up soon.
my body seems to be breaking down.
physically.

something seems wrong?
i just realise that the bruises are SO obvious la.
sighs.

i can't wait for tonight.
i pray i don't get wasted again.

i need to learn to enjoy myself again.
sighs.

[dreamt `]
at 3:32 PM

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

bintan was a waste of time, effort and money.

i'll not return there again. it'll be the last place i'll wann to go.

have packed my baggage and left them all back in bintan.
some stuff are preferably left as it is.
too much emotional baggage just keeps weighing me down.

i'm tired already.
i'm super weak la.
the bruises just refuses to go.
sighs.
considering how tan i am now, its still fucking obvious.

anyways, lots of rules back in del mar now.
sighs.

lateness.
gossiping.
product description.
staff's "speech".

oh wells.

keeps me busy.
good.
dowan to think of stupid things at the moment.
makes my head spin everytime i think.
makes me just feel like popping pills once again.

but then again, the foaming portion wasn't fun at all.
makes me weak in the knees.
likes its gonna pop any moment.
throwing up?
used to it already.
i think?!
cause i've been wasted like every week.

i wonder how my liver looks now.
sighs.
bad shape, i supposed.

what else do i expect if i don't enjoy liquor?
i drown myself with liquor instead.
to numb and ease that fucking pain.
sighs.
a burning sensation always.

i miss my tequila shots.
i miss my whisky coke.

chivas. grey goose. jose crevos. moet chandon.
oooh, sexy.

i can't wait for wednesday.
ladies night.
once more.
with ma crew.
the del mar gang.
off to jolly at our sisters' outlet:)

yet another session to drown myself again.
like always.

tsk tsk.

[dreamt `]
at 12:14 AM

Saturday, July 07, 2007

i can't wait :)

[dreamt `]
at 11:46 PM

Sunday, July 01, 2007

i hate myself.

everything about myself, i detest.

my nonsense.
my nonsense.
my nonsense.

i'm tired.
of living already.

i'm counting my days now.
on how long i'm going to keep sane.

i'm tired of wearing that ~~fucking~~ mask everyday.
i don't enjoy it at all.
no, not one bit.

i'm tired already.
the world surrounding me has crashed at top speed.
its getting dimmer and dimmer.
i'm losing the colors around me.
its like a black&white television now.

how tad boring.

my hands keep shaking. i dunno why.
i wonder if its bcoz of what i took just now.

sighs.

this sucks.
big time!

[dreamt `]
at 12:45 AM

Monday, June 25, 2007

i'm fucking tired of everything.

blah.

i can't be bothered now.

[dreamt `]
at 11:29 PM

Saturday, June 23, 2007

back again. sneaked up once again. one lesson is not enough. haha.

can't wait for the 4th of july :)
out to have fun again!

it's party time :)
yeah!

going bintan for a short trip.
relax relax relax.

i need that. badly.
haha.

i can't wait :)

[dreamt `]
at 12:15 AM

Saturday, June 16, 2007

not feeling well today. been feeling like throwing up since last night. sighs.

not a good sign.
i've not had a hangover(i think) that's SO long!

went out to st.james with the girls on wednesday. eelynn, alinah and ain :)
ladies night.

as usual. drink, drank and got drunk.
wasted wasted wasted.

i had double shots and 2 glasses for every coupon i used.
sheesh!
i had hell lot of drinks that night.
whisky coke.
whisky dry.
tequila shots.
vodka orange.
vodka cranberry.

no wonder i got wasted.
anyone would.
ha.

awi and adam was nice :)
haha.

[dreamt `]
at 10:39 PM

Saturday, June 09, 2007

haven't been up for ages. been busy with work and more work.

yes, i've turned into a serious workaholic. and i'm having worries now. doubting my capabilities now. sighs. i'm not sure if i'm slogging for the right reason. it seems as though i'm officially signed on with lifebrandz- del mar. haha. seems like national service to me.

anyways, i've worked too hard. i need a break now.

away from work.
away from work.
away from work.

sighs.

anyways, i've officially turned "roasted". thanks to the heat at del mar. now, i'm like minah already la. i've got guests who bet if i'm chinese or malay. like what the hell?!

but i'm fine. haha. other den when i see myself stark naked den. its like me wearing a white tee shirt. sighs. its quite stupid and silly looking la.

but what the hell?
i'm fine man.

i've been catching up with him again. things are probably gonna start like it used to. i hope so. past will always be the past. the times back at wheelock would prolly be the times i'll definitely miss. but i guess, sweet memories don't come so often. if not, it'll not be called- sweet :)

anyways, we'll have to start slow this time. with lots of care and caution now. i guess we've both grown up- one way or another.

i wanna go sing KAROKE la!!!

when the hell will i have time? i should spend time on things i'll prolly enjoy more than just clubbing. sighs. my life just revolves around work and clubbing now. which is BAD! cannot make it a habit sia.

chiong-ster!
hahaha.

but i enjoy the night scene now. haha.

oops!
i should try not to get wasted anytime soon.

*crosses fingers*

[dreamt `]
at 11:22 PM

Monday, May 28, 2007

its been ages since i've not blogged.

life?
been many ups and downs. loads of it to actually fill my life now.

work has become the biggest factor in my life now.
yeah, i'm a workaholic.

it kind of helps especially when you don't wish to think of distracting stuff. makes you occupied. well, it did. until recently.

sighs.

i'm burnt out already.
i need a break.

soon`

[dreamt `]
at 8:20 PM

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

its all set.

fabulous sunday.
hot babes and hunks.

booze.
liquor.
champagne.

i'm gonna drink and get pissed high this sunday.
with all my beautiful people around me.

it doesn't matter if i get drunk now.
really. heh.

i need a break.
from work.
friends.
family.
my baby.

i'm sorry baby.
just leave me now.

we're quits from now on.

its better now than later.
if not, you'll be hurt even more.

it'll hurt much more knowing that i'll hurt you deep one day.
so its the time now.

spread your wings and fly away.
find somewhere better.
and someone better.

i know i've been a bitch to ditch everything just like this.
but its better this way.
your life will be much better.

i promise?

leave me alone.
i'll dig my own grave.

i need a hug.
badly.

\\i dig sexy love.

[dreamt `]
at 9:43 PM

Monday, April 30, 2007

i need my own space.
i need my own life.

i dowan anyone to control me.

i hate it!

i don't like to be questioned.
i don't like to hear the same thing repeatly.
it irritates the hell out of me.

i wann a life of my own.
i wann a like i can call my own.
no one to control it.
no one to be in this life of my own.

i stand alone and i fall alone.
i dowan anyone to help me out.

yes, i'm being selfish.
but i just wann to be alone.

for now.
i don't know how long it'll take.
but just leave me alone.

leave me out to die alone.
i need peace.

i think i'm having a mental breakdown.
fuck.

just leave me alone.
please.

[dreamt `]
at 7:26 PM

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

its been a long time since i dropped online.

i'm shagged. just came back from dinner with the wheelock family. was lily liang's birthday today. rushed down after work.

i'm bushed. gonna slp now.

gotta wake up early to sun tan tmr.
my off day :)

[dreamt `]
at 12:43 AM

Friday, March 16, 2007

its been some time since i last logged in.

many things happened. unpleasant really. hurtful words were exchanged and physically, both hearts were torn in the midst of all the confusion.

my heart longs to feel the warmth and love again. but i guess, its difficult to pretend that nothing actually happened between us. i know the other party is willing to give love again, to start over again. but i guess, the heart's not willing at the moment. probably start afresh and try touching my heart again.

i know i've been very mean. but the heart hurts every time my eyes linger on him another second longer. i'm not willing to accept everything that is going between us. a fairytale i always thought it would be able to create was dashed by our own hands. he always said there was no fairytale in reality. yes, i was stubborn. i rather naively believed that there was a fairytale for us to create. but i guess, i was wrong.

now, he wants to create the fairytale i longed from the start. is it already all too late?

i'm lost and confused myself. i miss the attention i had from him before. now, its all different.

the world has changed. he's changed.

i've changed.

i guess the world is moving too fast for us to catch up. its best to leave the burden behind.

sighs. my heart's still willing. although, afraid to accept.

[dreamt `]
at 3:28 PM

Friday, March 02, 2007

i'm bored. baby started work yesterday. his first day. he felt very laid-back, i guess. afterall, it was raining the whole day. i had only 15 walk-in customers for the whole lunch period. how interesting!

anyways, alison came down to visit. she was on her way to dolphin lagoon after her virgin trip to underwater world. so she decided to pop by with jeremy and friends. how nice :)

was supposed to meet yanti up for dinner but was cancelled last minute. so plans were changed and i met alison instead. had pastamania at plaza singapura and chatted quite alot. interesting exhanges were made. i'm contemplating between E65 and K800i right now. we'll see about that soon.

went back to cafe del mar after dinner with alison. dropped by powerhouse to look for lawrence but surprisingly, he was posted to movida last night. adam was on duty at alfreso instead. passed adam the cheesecake to pass it to lawrence and he passed me the perfume which he actually gave last wednesday. nice scent :) paul smith!

going to go work soon. working at 5 later. hopefully, i'll be able to see aric later.
ciao~

[dreamt `]
at 1:00 PM

Saturday, February 17, 2007

happy new year to all :)

this kind of sucks. i was last informed that we'll be opened 24hours for the next 3 days. so yeah, we've opened friday 24hours and it'll last till tuesday 1am. ouch!

consider it being the chinese new year weekend, which means its a long weekend again- who comes out during the festive period? most people will be out visiting. anyways, schedule's out already. am working graveyard this weekend.

anyways, i'm pretty pissed off with the people. i didn't receive last month's pay. how sucky can that get? i realised it was because they actually lost my application form. wow! how interesting! now i can see how efficient the human resource department works. sighs. nevermind that i didn't receive my january's pay. they said we'll be having an advance for chinese new year- yes, only for the chinese. i didn't receive any as well. what the fuck is this supposed to mean? it sucks big time man! i'm so gonna grab one of them later and ask what's going on. fuck man! how in the right mind do they want people to slog so hard without even planning to feed thou?

tsk tsk.

back to basics. happy stuff.

ain's birthday's next thursday. hmmm, we're planning to head down early on wednesday to beat the cash- go around the ladies night to get free entry and drinks. save much on cash. especially when we're all broke but still wanna party. hahaha~ how dumb can we get?! oh wells, beats more than sitting around chilling without any booze :) wheelock's chalet on sat-mon, 24th-27th. be joining them on sunday instead. cool~

sighs. gonna go back to my reunion dinner :)

[dreamt `]
at 7:48 PM

Sunday, January 28, 2007

sobs sobs sobs.

i missed the chivas function yesterday. had to stay in sick due to an mc. sighs. actually, i didn't want to see the doctor. but after having blood when i coughed- that made me weak in my knees already. i had to see the doctor, whether i liked it or not. the nausea feeling of having blood forced out everytime i coughed kind of horrified me. so i got my mum to pick me up and was rushed to see the doctor at midnight, just after my work.

only at the doctor's did i know that i'm having all sorts of illness because of one major problem. all i have to do is to eradicate that problem, and everything will be solved. my wisdom tooth! godamnit!

i was having fever everyday 1 week in a row. temperature as high as 39.3oC that could make me even wobble when i walk. prolonged coughing that has led to throat inflammation. bad flu- which the doctor says is not tied up with my wisdom tooth growth. there! because of just one stupid wisdom tooth. sighs.

i'll need to extract the tooth. but the doctor says to finish the course of medication i have now first before i do anything about my tooth.

oh wells, just have to be good and take the yucky medicine. sighs. i don;t exatcly wish to continue seeing blood when i cough. it isn't exactly very appealing, especially when it make me think if i had some lung cancer or something. *touchwood!!*

tsk tsk.

[dreamt `]
at 11:54 PM

Friday, January 19, 2007

hey people, i'm back :)

work have started for me. yes, i've officially moved over to cafe del mar. beach restaurant and a club :)

sounds interesting aye?

now, i'm working inside sentosa and baby's just right outside sentosa. how sweet! heh. anyways, our shifts are pretty different. so its either i wait for him, or he'll have to wait for me. anyhows, we're pretty much nearer now.

sweet sweet.

grand opening for cafe del mar tonight. woah! i've got to expect alot. ouch! lots of screaming later. cause everything will need to be ready. sighs.

gotta run.

[dreamt `]
at 11:45 AM

Monday, January 08, 2007

i did my manicure and pedicure le! haha. french manicure and i've got 2 nail arts on my big toes :)

went over to baby's godsister's wedding dinner today. she's very pretty :) but i didn't know anyone there. not one person. cute aye? i went to the wedding dinner not knowing the bride and bridegroom. how cool can that be?

anyways, baby wore the hot pink top we got from domanchi. and he looks really good. or rather, extremely hot! but he didn't believe me la!! i can't blame him. he only wears black shirts. that's all- and that's his uniform, with prints: st.james powerstation.

will upload the pictures to my friendster soon :)

heading out to powerhouse on wednesday- ladies night! i'll be going down with staff, my little godsister and maybe my polymates. we'll see o.0

my little fella, wenwei can't make it. sighs. no one to cover him at work. hmmm, i cannot be a bad influence and ask him to skip work. he says cafe del mar might be opened coming sunday, 14th. i've no idea. clubbing till morning on wednesday. hmmm, probably walk into sentosa? haha. we'll see how it goes ba. that's provided i'll be sober to walk into sentosa alone. haha.

anyways, steamboat's confirmed. FRIDAY!! my last day :) yes, i'll be bringing the steamboat pot. i just need people to help buy the food, and mouths to finish it up :) cool~

loves!

[dreamt `]
at 3:02 AM

Saturday, January 06, 2007

i'm left with just 6 (minus 1 off) working days in wheelock. i'm so going to miss my family i've found in there.

anyways, i'll be officially out of wheelock on friday. am off on saturday and sunday. before i start work on monday, 15th. cafe del mar's not up yet. so i'll be posted out. sighs. i'm unsure of what to expect.

gonna do my nails later. manicure and pedicure.
heh!

be meeting my baby later.
loves!

[dreamt `]
at 11:40 AM

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

i've got exactly 10 days minus 1 off day= 9 working days left in wheelock.

i'm pretty eccited for my new job. but also unsure of it as well. sighs. the place isn't even up on site at the moment. delay due to the insistent seasonal rain. the news of the delay kind of dampened my mood on moving out of wheelock. will be going out for attachement before the site's officially up. which means, its time to scrub and set up the place. another round of setup. yes, setup team again.

makes me think of the time we setup wheelock together. sighs.

tsk tsk.
how touching.

am gonna look for more songs now.
sleeping soon.

i'm nocturnal already.
here i am, its showing 4 in the morning on the clock now.

goodnights!

[dreamt `]
at 3:38 AM

Sunday, December 31, 2006

its new year's eve! a happy new year to everyone out there!

met up with the girls on thursday. over at toa payoh. we had dinner together. same old faces, as usual. nothing new. sighs. anyways, attendance that shared the meal together were: wilmer, anna, xinying, regina, jonathan, sylvia, cuijie and myself. i brought baby along. it was his off day. doubt he liked the crowd. sighs. its the same when he brings me out with his friends. there's no connection between us to talk about. lest, hold a conversation. nopes, nothing in common. our difference? 8 years. this group of friends? not into the night scene as much as my yuppies back at simplelife. so there was that big difference. yeah. anyways, wasn't much to talk about as well.

i guess i've pulled out from that age group? maybe, maybe not. it might probably be because i've not talked to them for ages. i guess. the atmosphere was just dampened, along with the persistant rain that continue to fall outside the entertainment centre where we had dinner. just had my dinner with baby quietly. i didn't exactly liked it, but i didn't exactly not enjoyed it as well. a mixed feeling, i must say. was great meeting up with the girls, especially my gossip partners sylvia and regina. but i guess, time has made us feel seperated.

anyways, they decided to go down st.james tomorrow night. cause its "fabulous sunday". in short, gay night. yes you heard me right. i just went on monday with alan. tomorrow night, with the girls. will need to rush down after work. sighs.

we'll be having a countdown party tonight. at wheelock's. how nice. oh wells, i'm not sure if i sounded sarcastic or genuine. heh. i really hope it'll be fun. my last celebration with everyone at wheelock. sighs.

honestly speaking, i can't bear to leave wheelock. it has become my second crib. a crib i can call my own. a crib i can stand up for. a crib i helped built along with my fellow mates. now, to leave the crib to somewhere new is difficult. moving over to somewhere i have no idea, somewhere i have no clue about and somewhere i have no pillar to lean on when i've met some difficulties. back in wheelock, there will always be someone who'll be there for you. i've made the bestest girlfriends there, gossip mates, clubbing khakis, etc. i'll miss this place!

this was the place i learnt to sweep, mop.
this was the place i learnt to what service meant.
this was the place i fell for my best friend.
this was the place i knocked out in the chiller.
this was the place we made up and still continued to be best friends.
this was the place we had a big clubbing session at the now dysfunct "chinablack".
this was the place i had my taste of red wine and raspberry vodka in a shooter.
this was the place i had my taste in "sex on the beach" and "cosmopolitian".
this was the place i got a lift back on a sports bike.
this was the place i hanged out at newton, downing beer.
this was the place i got promoted.
this was the place i hired staff, fired them.
this was the place i made more than collegues. i made friends.
this was the place i met him. i met my baby.

i slipped and fell, knocked out, climbed up and continued to walk.
i cried tears of happiness, pain and anger.

i'll definitely miss this place.
its where my family is.

tsk tsk.
how touching.

sighs.

i miss my baby.
if only he could be here tonight.
wishful thinking. he'll be busy tonight. extremely busy.
new year's ever.

sighs.

a final touch of love by him will probably make tonight blissful for me.
in my dreams.

*ouch*

[dreamt `]
at 1:21 PM

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

here i am, using the laptop of my sister's to go online. note: in the dark, on my bed, under the damn blanket.

tsk tsk.

its cold out there. brrrr!

anyways, did the traditional ripping of presents today. missed the fun part yesterday since i was out till 4 in the morning. i got a new perfume from my mummy. heh! but surprisingly, it was my brother who sniffed out the scent for me. its Hugo Boss' "pure purple" series. nice scent! quite to my palate (: i'm just surprised my brother knew how to pick a nice scent out of the thousands out there. perfect boyfriend to be? haha! up for grabs! woohoo~

yeah~

am off tmr, or rather today. since i'm pretty much like a nocturnal animal right now. yes, i prowl at night. *hints*

be dropping by regency tmr. settle stuff for my new outlet. dropping over MOM in the afternoon. yes, you read it right- Ministry of Manpower.

am gonna find out the employee rights and enquire about my boundaries. i hate the feeling of being a fool. it sucks! big time. especially since i started as a full timer. that seemed like the biggest wrong move i had done for year 2006. sighs!

oh wells, i'm left with 2 weeks in wheelock. be heading to my new place, cafe del mar. in sentosa. yes, i'll be a full timer. floor captain to be exact. hopefully, things will turn out well. *crosses my fingers*

dear's been talking alot about the "M" word lately. something that is a BIG commitment wor. wells, i'm not totally speechless but i've got nothing to comment about wor. mummy doesn't know about him yet. i tink. but mummy's very smart. it seems weird if she doesn't know that i'm attached le. sighs. i'm carrying my hopes that she'll accept him this round. i really hope so. at least, he's working as a decent professional bartender now. my shuai ge!

lalala~

[dreamt `]
at 1:41 AM

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

merry christmas to all!

went out with alan last night to st.james powerstation. met john from attica and his clique of friends. we entranced dragonfly while i waited for baby to reply me. he came over to pick us up into powerhouse BUT was rejected. haha~ i expected it already. powerhouse was holding a all boys party- in short: GAY PARTY! woohoo~ anyways, we went over through the main entrance cause he spoke to the floor manager, aziz. nice fella! OMG!! topless guys everywhere, guys kissing, guys grinding each other, guys dancing to the beat of the tempo on the platform. you name it, i saw it!

wow!

took loads of pictures as well. heh!

i miss my baby (:

[dreamt `]
at 12:30 PM

Monday, December 18, 2006

oh yes, pls tag me on ur blog address yah?

i kind of lost everything. haha!

thankyew :)

[dreamt `]
at 12:19 AM

Sunday, December 17, 2006

how do one expect the world to forgive when she never expected to still see the world after whatever happened?

i never thought i would live to see another day. not when i did the silliest thing one would ever expect me to do. i went through hours of throwing up, total rejection from my stomach and gastric, crazy headache, etc.

one hell of a night!

it was painful! i'll never want to go through that again. never in my life. i broke into cold sweat everytime i ran to the toilet to throw up. i was dehyrated! but i couldn't swallow not one drop of water. it felt like hell! i don't wish to go through it anymore. throwing up gastric juice twice is enough to kill me already.

i'll be good.
i'll listen to *you*
i'm sorry.

he came over to my place this morning. he worked till 6am this morning. i threw up like 3-4 hours? sighs. anyways, he came after work to bring me to work. seriously, i never thought i would have survived the night. i cried the night away. imagine running to the toilet to throw up every 15 minutes. there was totally nothing but gastric juice left. he brought me to work and left only for home about 1130.

sighs.

i don't seem to be doing the right things. i'm always doing something that would hurt myself directly without giving any thoughts if it'll hurt him. i agree with him and everyone else. i've been very selfish. extremely selfish for thinking that i'm just myself in this world. i thought i could leave without hurting anyone. sighs.

michelle, you'll need to grow up! you have to grow up!
unless you want to lose everything and everyone you call your own now!

ah!

my tummy's still hurting. sighs.

can't wait for my class tmr. be having class for the next 4 days.

alright. i've resigned from thesimplelife. will be moving over to cafe de mar. i'm officially under the wings of MOS now. yes, you've read it right. Ministry of Sound pte ltd.

yeah, i'm moving into nightlife. if that's what you call (:

i'll be having my last day at work(thesimplelife) on 13th January 2007.
i'll be starting work(cafe de mar) on the 15th January 2007.

how time flies!

oh yes, it's in sentosa~
catch all the action at siloso beach (:

we're taking over sunset bay!

catch all the fun (:
i miss my girlfriends.
all of them!

sighs!

[dreamt `]
at 10:52 PM

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

just printed out my resignation letter. be dropping by wheelock probably later. gonna pass will my resignation letter. the earlier the better. will called to tell me that once i hand in my resignation letter, i have no off-in-lieus, sick leaves and pH to claim le. sighs. he says the head office will pay me back my pH but my off-in-lieus will be burnt. oh wells, hopefully the new environment would be a good and exciting one (:

won't exactly announce where i'll be working until probably next week. coz i'll be having 3 days orientation. we'll see how it goes den (:

oh wells, its going to rain already. the rain should be very heavy, looking at the dark clouds overlooking my baby's house. oh wells, hopefully it doesn't dampen my sweet boys' bbq~ luke says they're expecting 40-50 ppl. wow! that's like alot of people. i can't imagine how much food they've prepared for tonight. will buy something for my 3 boys when i head over to the chalet later.

thankyew God, for bringing new hope to my oh-so-boring life. let's pray hard that the new year will be a better one! oh, i can't wait.

i'm still contemplating. who shall be the lucky fella i'll bring to powerhouse's private launch party?
tsk tsk tsk.

[dreamt `]
at 4:30 PM

am at baby's place right now. using his computer while he's at his ps2. tsk tsk. this is how gadget freak we get, sometimes.

anyways, can't wait to crash luke's bbq tmr. heh! andre owes me a mayo-corn. or whatever he calls it. apparently to renowned "bbq-er" like him, he says its fantastic. so yeah, i'll give it a try. no harm aye?

baby's busy with setup of the new bars at st.james. wish him all the luck he needs (: jiayou wor!

yeah! i've got invites to his new club launch. powerhouse (: the club he's in-charge of now. lots of effort put in by him! who should i bring? i wonder o.0

gonna type an important letter before i visit dreamland now.

[dreamt `]
at 3:14 AM

Thursday, November 16, 2006

heys! i'm back again (:

miss me?

anyways, work's still the same. tiring but cool. cool because i'm looking after the outlet now since will's away at indonesia. tiring cause i've to do all the paperwork, ordering for both my side and fish&co's bar. sighs. but i still can manage.

michelle can work under PRESSURE! must prove to uncle chew that!

anyways, have been hanging out at dear's workplace. welcome to St.James's Power Station (: a club! haha. and it's THAT weird cause i seldom club, or rather i don't exactly am the clubbing sort. one reason, mummy doesn't allow. second reason, not exactly my type of crowd. UNLESS my mood feels like clubbing! heh (:

celebrated spencer and mervin's birthday at mono last night. i got my member card le!! yeah (: yes, i'm getting the card coz my boyfriend works there. sounds stupid right? i am. haha.

tired. gonna sleep. many more full shifts to go. sighs.

[dreamt `]
at 1:56 AM

Monday, November 06, 2006

my long-awaited off day today. heh.

i accidentally cut my finger today. my left thumb's half-gone le. now it's half-paralysed. sighs. painful la! my flesh's left hanging. went to see the doctor and was given 2 days mc. but will didn't allow me to go home, coz he said he had other APPOINTMENTS. sighs.

baby came down to meet me after work last night. we went to watch midnight movie- "the covenant". not too bad! was about little magic a couple of boys kept quiet about. took a walk after the movie. reached home only about 430am. but, it was nice having baby around.

met up with baby for dinner today. at takashimaya. crystal jade korean ginseng restaurant. i wasn't informed that i was eating with his family la! last minute den told me i was having dinner together. walked around a bit before heading over to harbourfront. accompanied baby to work before i went off. he's working HARD now.

i need to be more understanding to him. i have to be more patient towards him too. i love baby. alot. i need to understand our love and not regret having lose to many chances.

[dreamt `]
at 1:06 AM

Saturday, October 21, 2006

its been ages since i last logged in. i must apologize for the bad behaviour of chucking my own blog one side. at least let me lament on the couple of reasons why i never had a chance to blog. heh.

1. i'm working everyday.
2. it's full shift 90%.
3. yes, i've worked 32 days without an off day. this is my 1st off day in 32 days. WOW!
4. i seldon go online. coz i can't.
5. i'm lazy!

there! but they're just EXCUSES! yes, i'm finally up to blog about my tiny bits of life. and perhaps, disappear for another few weeks before i'm back online again. haha!

baby's started work at his new work place already. St. James Powerhouse. its located just outside sentosa gateway. baby's working his way up from the start- bartender. he wants to be promoted to at least senior bartender in 3 months. wells, i know he can do it. now, its up to the company. plus, he wants to get the internship sponsered by the company. i hope he's be offered the internship (:

work's been hectic. i've been working ALOT to get extra cash to pay my insurance next january. sighs. i'm breaking down already. read above. 32 days without an off day! that's alot of hard work! sighs! will's going off to indonesia next week for the opening of the new franchise. sighs. i'll be left alone in spore with the store to myself. i MUST work myself up again. i NEED to show them that i CAN work. i've promised baby that i'll work hard. i've promise lily and will that i'll work hard. i cannot fail them!

i need some advice.

baby's back at nightlife now. somehow, i feel insecure. am i thinking too much? perhaps. lily says to be more confident of him and myself. sighs. it's hard. does anyone actually understand how i feel? i can't miss him too much. it'll make me not trust him even more. sighs. i'm confused. now that he's back in nightlife, will my family be able to accept him? mummy doesn't like him already. sighs. now isn't anytime good to let him out of the box. sighs. anyone can enlighten me?

[dreamt `]
at 12:30 AM

Thursday, July 20, 2006

oops!

it's past a month since i've been online already. wow!! i can hardly imagine how much of gossip i've past. wells, i've been busy. extremely busy- consider working full shift everyday.

life's pretty the same. work's hectic. i just got screwed recently by ricky himself. sighs. just cause of my staff on the floor. oh wells, he have to accept it whether he likes it or not. i'm already down to the minimum staff already. i'm doing opening and closing myself like most of the days already. sighs!! its super tiring la!!

i miss regina and gang. i just went online and i saw those pics you guys took at sentosa!!! without me!!! boos!!! oh wells, i can't help it if i've got to work. sighs. i seriously need time out to have a break. oh yes, if you and me were classmates in poly- yes you! i've been asked AGAIN to have another class outing. let's have it somewhere else other than plain old boring marina aye? gimme some suggestions. send me an sms would be best! consider how long i take to actually go online. anywhere interesting, just let me know yeah? i'll drop a line at friendster as well. so the msg does gets passed down.

hmmm, yes i've got a new baby in my life now. if that's what my little sister- JOAN wants to know. how interesting to have my sister tag me when i see her like everyday. ALTHOUGH its when i see everyone asleep. yeah, i've not been home LATELY. i'm just home LATE. when the whole block's asleep. yeah, the wild cat just arrives home.

baby's a bartender. it runs in his blood. consider being a bartender for more than 8 years? oh wells. he and i are colleagues, but gladly under different bodies. he's officially under O.B while i'm under his parent- M.A.F. which means there won't be any transfer of staff due to relationships that budded from work. what else? my 2 darlings, peksy and alison have seen him already. haha!

i'm bored. finally my off day. gonna go tan i guess.
i'm getting so fat!

just some messages to be posted out:

maitri: i'm so getting fat already. i'm trying not to pig out already. do i appear slim-MER den usual? u should see me in personal!! i seriously need to lose weight!!!

lynnly: i miss you girl (: u've lost so much weight. do myself and urself a favor yeah? please EAT (:

chris and david: yes, the ah lian you know is working at THESIMPLELIFE and FISH&CO. is something wrong with that? i miss you dudes! its been ages since we last hanged out. like when we were still in secondary school? how many years have passed?! takkaire!

regina: MUMMY!!!! i miss you like crazy la!! you look SUPERB!! sexy la. wear bikini go sentosa. hmpf!! i want to go!!! so nice (: the old gang to go down to chill together. but sadly, i can't be there. xuefen wants to chillout again! she's the special someone who suggested yet ANOTHER class outing. sighs. u know me and i know u- who are the usual faces who turn up at the clas outing? ppl who give me face. ha! takkaire yeah? LOVES!

alison baby: nu er! how's school? i miss staying over at your place la. when can we hang out again? hmmm, other den at wheelock place? i'm going to have to move out of there very soon- if not, it'll officially be my second home le. sighs -.-

peksy: thanks for everything babe! you're the sole pillar of support that actually keeps everything moving. me and alison wouldn't still be sane if not for you. BUT of course, i know you'll not be sane if not for us both too!!! hah! i wish you'll find the right guy soon!!! i miss you too (: like so silly when we're just merely separated by one MAIN STREET! but still, i MISS you!! don't get too stressed up at work too yeah?

my mates in FISH&CO: you ppl are the bundles of joy at work. currently the perks in my life other den baby- JUNE ah girl, RIFF my part-time boyfren, JOHN daddy, LY my dearest ah bu, SPENCER the ever crazy dude, MERVIN the "hot" dragon, AFIQ my brother-in-law, PUTRI and LIZA my funny gossip-ers, etc. i LOVE all you ppl!!

there! i tink i DID forget some ppl. but you know me. i still LOVE you!!

takkaire (:
CIAO~

[dreamt `]
at 3:01 PM

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

am back finally. lots of things have happened recently.

uncle will has resigned and his last day is on wed. sighs. ALTHOUGH he has been dissing me for every single day, he is afterall a brother i look up to. a mentor i've learnt alot from and a friend who has taught me how to look at life. he definitely make my days alot more depressing everyday but perhaps, because i really do listen to him. like what my dearest ringo who asks why i take uncle will's comments hard on myself? i've got no clue myself. perhaps, a lost soul would take any directions shown to her? perhaps.

tsk tsk.

i guess fairytales are never meant for the reality world. it defeats the purpose of a "happy ending" when nothing ever turns out the way it was thought it'll end. only in dreams.

baby and i have parted. yes, i initiated it. i'm still nursing the open wound which i've just stubbornly thrown salt on. now, the wound's burning from the inside. i'm breaking up from the inside. this sucks. big time.

i need to learn to let go.

[dreamt `]
at 12:04 AM

Sunday, June 04, 2006

first and foremost, a big SORRY for to the many people who have given up knowing more of my life. l've been busy with lots of stuff.

work. family. him.

let's start with work. my dearest uncle has tendered his resignation. sighs. i'll be left alone, facing everything on my own with no one to nag at me already. i'm already beginning to miss him. no one to tell me off, no one to sit me down and shoot me in my guts till tears drop, no one to hold onto when i need someone badly, no one to exchange vulgarities and last but not the least, no one to be my brother and a mentor. i could still remember me at the office just before simplelife opened. he was a funny guy who was always stationed to be a "customer" at my group. i'll always be caught in a laughing fit when its my turn. don't ask me why but we never gotten a chance to role play together. heh. starting simplelife together was tiring, challenging but interesting. i could still remember our closest clique- andy, ila, ain and myself to be ever-so-close with uncle. we're always teasing uncle when he laments that he wants to leave. and we'll tell him that we'll leave when he leaves. wells, simplelife has brought about tonnes of memories. both good and bad. i can still remember that 1st staff that got "86" bcoz of a silly accident. i met many new friends from all sorts of walking life. i learnt lots of different stuff from different people, people who have gone through much more than me. i got a chance to be attached to the bar to be a bar-maid (: i got a chance to work at fish&co, both ways. i got a chance to work alongside with uncle. i got a chance to know this great gentleman- lambert, who treats me like his own (: i had a chance to fall for a simplelife guy, who brought me great joy but dousled it out when he fell for my little godsister. we're the bestest friends till now. i had a chance to fall for a fish&co guy who taught me to be strong even when we don't see each other that often. now by chance, i got to fall for the current guy who totally completes me. i miss having vanessa around. i miss having lays around. i miss having my girl, ila around. all the sweet memories are all shut in the 4 walls of simplelife. now, a new manager's gonna fill uncle's position. i'm not at all excited, i must lament. afterall, she didn't see baby simplelife grow. so what if she's that capable? oh wells, i shouldn't be that prejudiced against her. i haven't gotten a chance to work with her YET. sighs. i miss uncle.

how about him?

i miss him badly. lots of things happened that have drived a wedge between us. i guess he's holding it all back. here i am, doing my best to salvage it but i hear nothing from him at all. is it all gone too soon? i accept his past. i accept his present moment, present situation. i accept his future. i'm willing to trudge along with time. i'm willing to let days, weeks, months and years past. i'm doing everything i can to get the better half of him to react to my actions but i don't see any reaction from him. have the chemisty just died off? or is he just avoiding what he's frustrated over? i miss baby. ALOT! i've spent too many nights tearing over him that i don't even know why the tears fall now. where have he gone to? why have he disappeared just like that? am i really supposed to be non existent till everything's over? sighs. i want baby back. i'm emotionally scarred already. i wish to hide away from the whole world and just stop time at this instance. if only everything could be back to normal. him, back at my side. is that selfish? sighs.

i want u back. the memories of us are haunting me everynight.

i miss u.

[dreamt `]
at 7:48 PM

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

didn't meet up with baby today. he's tied down with work. sighs. he still wants to work even when he's not feeling well. even his boss has told him not to work. sighs. i can't say nothing too. he's a workaholic, a major one too.

stayed home the whole day, watching my illegally downloaded movies and surfing around. bored, i must say! was supposed to meet alan this morning but i couldn't drag myself out of bed. stayed out till late with baby last night. he came over to pick me up after work. drove around and just enjoyed each other's company. being with baby's really sweet coz its where i really can be myself. i can sulk, be childlike or be wild with him. haha (:

sighs.

i wanna go shopping. but i'm like so broke!

when will i get my money back? i really don't wish to think of it going to charity. seriously! i'm just disappointed that i put my heart into it and gave in when he asked. now, he's back to being out of contact again. as usual! when will he ever find the initiative to return the stash? sighs.

baby says he'll pass me the cash instead of me still waiting for his reply. but i rather he return the cash himself. not just bcoz its my own stash but its what i call- R.E.S.P.O.N.S.I.B.I.L.I.T.Y. sighs. when he was down under, i was there for him. but now, he's back to his shell again. and it just sucks coz perhaps i was too naive. yes, i was too mesmerised. now, i have to suffer. financially. damn!

whatever.

gonna lie on bed, chill with sounding music that echos through my ears and wait till i fall asleep.

i miss baby. especially when he runs his hand through my hair when i fall asleep. i like it when he kiss the tip of my nose and my forehead. i like it when he holds my hand. i like it when he brings me to the beach, laugh at me when i wet my shoes and laugh at it all together. basically, he just makes me complete (:

making me fall head over heels over him more (n_n)

[dreamt `]
at 10:50 PM

my off day today. i'm already starting to miss vanessa!! my bestest girlfren at work!! sighs. she went back to philippines this morning. came over yesterday for the last time to say bye to her working colleagues. people started crying again. sighs. passed her the present already. i've left the photos that i'll be mailing over to her.

i miss baby (:

[dreamt `]
at 2:27 PM

Monday, May 08, 2006

am doing morning shift this week. more time to relax, shop, eat and spend time with my baby (:

am so shagged now. my plates from warehouse was sent over this afternoon. both will and i spend hald the day un-packing and packing away. now, the restaurant's in a mess!! sighs. oh wells, can't stop the warehouse from sending in the goods aye? at least, i'm having new set of plates etc now.

baby's not feeling well. was sent to NUH to see the doctor. sighs. was given 2 days mc but he still insists of going to work tmr. sighs. was supposed to meet him today but he wanted me to go home and rest while he visit the doctor. wells, at least his boss brought him over- so i wasn't that worried. he's too focused on his job- most of his time. always giving up his rest and sleep. now, he's fallen ill. its time for him to recharge his worn-out batteries.

i want a break. out of singapore, if possible. but where to? sighs.

[dreamt `]
at 11:00 PM

Saturday, April 29, 2006

had our wheelock chalet on monday 24-25th. i must say it was pretty messed up from the start coz we were all working and had to rush down from everywhere and anywhere over to aloha. but heys, its a nice place out there (: all thanks to spencer!!

went down after work and stayed over although i had to work full shift the next day. went to pick kate up from giraffe before going over to her place to collect her belongings and we headed over to aloha together. her first chalet!! most of the fish&co staff went for the chalet. unlike simplelife (u_u) oh wells, the people in my kitchen aren't the type to socialise anyway. lily liang came with her husband, peter as well. she said lance left before i came!! ooohh!! i missed her little boy. anyways, will and ben was really nice bbq-ing stuff for me and kate to have. will even announced loudly tt he needed to feed me well coz i had to work full shift the next day. there were really loads of drinks la!! phew (: i didn't drink any. not at all. just 1 tiny sip ioof martell- it didn't taste nice.

went back to work the next day. bad news!! fell sick. had HIGH FEVER, BAD STOMACH CRAMPS, THROWING UP, WRINKLED FINGERS, FEELING COLD THE WHOLE DAY, etc. stayed till 7 pm before will came down after i S.O.S him. i waved the white flag already. i was flushed pale, and totally had no strength. i threw up nothing but water. i couldn't even retain water. sighs. went to see the doctor the next day and had 2 days mc.

went back to work yesterday. not too bad just that running shift's a wee bit difficult coz of the consistent stomach cramps which still hurts. sighs. but i'm feeling ok. i still need to work, aye?

gotta go off to work now.

i hate it!! i'm not 21 thus NO PROGRESS PACKAGE!! what nonsense for those who are still working BUT are not at all 21 yet?? ridiculous!!

say whatever you want. blah!!!

[dreamt `]
at 1:15 PM

Sunday, April 16, 2006

am bored bored bored (u_u)

working closing through the month now. sighs!! how UNINTERESTING can my life be? oh wells, my life kinda just revolves around work and more work. BOOS!! its just wheelock and home for me wor!!

thank god for baby!! he's been really sweet (: he makes an effort to meet me after work, be it after 5pm OR 11pm. i like the journey back with baby (: have been going over to waterfront these few days to relax and chill, looking at the water make laps against the wall. the time spent together always disappears in a glance- if only time could stand still when i'm with baby (:

changed my schedule for this week. cause baby's got competition (: gonna go cheer for him!! wee!! he says he'll pick me up from work to go down together, IN CASE i get lost AGAIN!! hahaha!!

saw him last night. the next time i can spend time with him is on thurs!! wee!! i can't wait.

yes, i'm being a little small kid (: BOOS!!

[dreamt `]
at 1:01 PM

Sunday, April 09, 2006

wow!! i've not been online for AGES again!!!

i've been STILL busy. am finally doing openings now. giving me more time to spend with my dear (: sweet sweet!! but i'll be doing closing from 14th, good friday onwards. sighs!!

all the more i've to work hard at studying the menu for GIRAFFE!!! ahhh!!! but its so difficult!!! especially when its global food. wow!! lots more for me to learn!!!

had a couple of unhappy days at work due to some really BAD miscommunications!! that made me SUPER mad. sighs!! but its over now, hopefully!!

hennie came over to TSL today. he looks much better now, as compared to the other day when he looked SICK!! anyways, he was SO sweet!! he bought a white top from esprit for me. though he did get 50% off coz hassan was working, but heys! its the thought that counts. i don't mind, though it's 3 months late!! haha!!

i miss my dear!!

[dreamt `]
at 10:34 PM

Friday, March 31, 2006

SORRY!!!

i know that i've not been updating for EONS!! wells, i've been busy. lots of things happening around me. let's have some updates- i know u're not interested!

wells, GIRAFFE just opened and its been pretty chaotic. wells, i've been doing closing since 3 weeks ago. reason being will having to run both restaurants- helping hennie out. wells, i've went down to check it out already. i must say it's pretty nice a restaurant. but its very HOT ah!!! like glasshouse wor. GREENHOUSE EFFECT!!

i have gotten the ONITSUKA TIGER white boston bag le!!! yeah!!! can check it out when i have time to upload the pics up. nice nice!!

finally, found someone nice and sweet! lalala~

i'm a happy girl (:

[dreamt `]
at 12:29 PM

Thursday, March 09, 2006

i'm feeling lonely. depressed's probably the word to suggest to others how i exactly feel. to feel lonely and left out is painful enough. not having any assurance is even more painful.

sometimes, i wonder what's giving me the strength to actually still hold on for so long. especially when i've not seen him for a total of 122 days. am i the naive little girl who still believes in the 4 letter word called- L.O.V.E?

probably.
how "romantic"!

i wonder what drug i've consumed to hold on for so long. sighs. do i really like him that much to hold on even after not seeing him for 122 days? i've no direct answer to reply to that question i pose to myself everyday. am i tormenting myself? perhaps.

tsk tsk.

those who encouraged me to spill the beans to him are now telling me not to waste my time. isn't it the same as just sitting on the fence? wouldn't it be the same as telling me at the first place not to tell him my feelings? i guess, i'm always the silly naive girl- who never learns. there's nothing in my dictionary that explains to me in simple terms on fixing the problem. yes, call me a hopeless lover.

wells, i guess i just wish to hear from him and be assured that he's doing fine. i do miss him badly and really wish to see him.

in these 122 days which i've not seen him- i've actually dropped a tear for him. yes, i actually did. the person i hold close to my heart pushed me away and asked me to look for someone better; and to move and not to waste my time on him. sighs. it literally broke my heart into pieces. what could i say? i shot him back and asked him a question- don't you miss me? the reply he gave was what i wanted- yes. that was it! i just told him i'll still hold on and pushing me away will not make things better. instead, it'll hurt both of us even more.

sighs. am i holding expectations of him now? especially when i've not seen him for so long already.

i miss him badly.
it's a real pity.

friends i hold dear to my heart know who this special someone is, but yet i'm not able to disclose him name.

pray and give me luck.perhaps the time i can type his name out front will be when i'm happy with him.

now, let's just call him- dear. just the way i call him.(:

[dreamt `]
at 11:09 PM

Monday, March 06, 2006

wells, i'm back once again!

i'm just bored. had 2 days off in total. sighs.

wells, call me SLOW but yes- i just caught 1/2 of that silly "tammy" sex video. its SO uninteresting la! why will ppl actually waste their time to watch it? beats me. ask myself- cause i was BORED?

perhaps.

anyways, was supposed to have a tan today BUT the weather didn't allow me to leave the house la! sighs! haven't had a tan since donkey years already. i miss the sun!! i miss being a lobster (: saddist aye?

bored. bored. bored.

have been online since morning. and yes, i've not done anything USEFUL for the whole day. wells, that's what i call relaxing? perhaps. especially when i've got 2 full shifts to accomplish when i get back to work tmr. hmmm, hopefully we can settle a day and time for KTV!! especially since yonglin's going for NS already!! haha (:

sighs. gonna get back to downloading my stuff. just had a movie marathon la! watched texas chain massacre, saw 2, big momma house 2. woah! call it STRAIN FOR THE EYES!!

wee! see you guys around (:
takkaire.
outta here.

[dreamt `]
at 10:18 PM

Sunday, March 05, 2006

i'm back. like forever!

quick update. broke the rule- went drinking with spencer and yonglin last night. sighs! what they say is SO right. without shawn with us, is SO different! sighs. stayed sober throughout.

slept at 5 in the morning before waking up at 1230 to go off to suntec to meet regina. had her lenses done and headed over to marina to walk around. didn't get anything. sighs!

met up with alan and had dinner. back home dazed now.
yawns.

gonna slp now.
ciao!

[dreamt `]
at 11:39 PM

Saturday, February 18, 2006

i'm back! like after a super long while!! wow, its been eons since i've been online. and yes, i agree that i do seem like i somehow kind of disintegrated into the air. phew, i'm back!!

hmmm, let's see.

i'm currently sick! that's also the reason why i'm online cause i'm on mc. yeah, it sucked!! i'm like half dead or something. it hurt really badly. sighs! had to return to the doctor's for reference again. wow!

anyways, i went over to his place last week with the help of my good buddy. thanks dude! waited for the whole week for an answer until today!! he msged me, like finally!!! yeah (:

wells, i must say i'm happy. at least, it did lighten my burden of being sick now. wow!!

anyways, other den just him who i miss alot, i miss my dearest jo-ann too!!
sighs!! everyone's everywhere especially in aussie! wow (:

alright. gotta go rest now.
bye!!

[dreamt `]
at 5:16 PM

Saturday, January 28, 2006

happy new year- yet again! haha.

wells, its a whole new year and its a brand new start. hopefully, everything goes smoothly for this year.

let's see. i'm currently a management trainee. yes, i signed the paper and i'm full-timing at thesimplelife where i work now. how's that for a start? hmmm, not too bad i guess.

been really busy these few days. lots to learn and to understand. things that are far out of my level of comprehension but heys, i've got nothing to lose by learning something new aye?

i miss him. badly!
haven't seen him since nov last year.
sighs.

if only he knew exactly how i've been going through.

[dreamt `]
at 3:01 PM

Monday, January 02, 2006

happy new year!

had a really funky gathering with my girls just last week. we went to this really pink cafe, yeah- read PINK cafe called miss clarity over at bugis, as suggested by regina. hmmm, the food's not too bad considering the price we have to pay. was really cool catching up with the girls. we had dinner at miss clarity's and after which we went over to breko, as suggested by nash- cuijie's boy. not too bad place to chill too (: i had this really quirky drink called quicksand or smth? first time actually ordering a drink with more coffee than my regular mocha ice blended. heh! but i must say i wasn't really strong, all thanks to the ice cream i ordered to be added with a cookie dipped into the blended. stayed till pretty late before heading back home with my dear regina.

i'm pretty glad to start my new year right. wells, at least to the simple me- it does seem right. perhaps, for now? because i managed to get an answer from someone after not hearing from him for so long. it was like a wish come true? especially when i was talking about it the whole night and i must say that i was pretty surprised to receive a reply after not hearing from him for like 2 months? heh! i'm pretty satisfied aye? perhaps.

at least, i know he's safe and sound.
that's all i wanted to know.

my little boost in happiness (:

[dreamt `]
at 7:06 PM

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

life's been bumpy these few days. sighs, what can i say about them? my life pretty just sucks every other day. no big deal, i guess.

it's a few days to the year 2006. i wouldn't say i'm really excited, neither would i say i'm not. i would rather say it's a mixed feeling i have. i'm pretty excited about a new year to come, a new opportunity and a new start but then again, i'll be carrying wounds that have not been healed over to the new year. wounds that have not been healed, or rather not given a chance to heal. i'll be lying if i say that it doesn't bother me or that it doesn't hurt cause it does bother and hurt me. hell lot!

i wish to be given a chance- to explain myself and to hear an explanation myself.

perhaps, i'm still being stubborn and not willing to let go. naive aye? but it was you who said it wasn't silly cause there's no stupid or clever in being in love. you said to follow my heart and do what my heart really wants. i agree that outsiders can only give me the advice, but the final decision be it good or bad still lies in my hands. you said that you'll be there for me to pick me up and to catch me when i fall- especially when i fell for you. now that you're gone, i'm left with just sweet nothings that i'm surprisingly still holding onto. have i gone dependent on your sweet nothings to me? or have i just fell hard again?

i'm tired of being this way. after the different incidents that happened in this 6 months, i'm no longer the me i used to be. is it because i've been affected by the different incidents? perhaps. afterall, i did put my heart into them but got nothing out of it. just a heartbreak which left me scarred. i've lost it once- being silly to get myself drunk over an idiot. it does make me feel silly when i think back about it. now, i've caused myself to fall hard for another. am i just not given a chance to feel what's it to be happy? am i just too young to understand what it means to feel loved? it really does makes me think if i'm jinx-ed cause everything's smooth till the something happens that causes me to lose everything.

sighs.

life's in a tumble.
if only he's back.

i miss him.
alot.

[dreamt `]
at 12:29 AM

Friday, December 23, 2005

wells, i'm counting down. it's coming christmas. am i excited? not much to feel excited about.

feeling sick.
feeling down.
feeling lonely.

it just sucks.

big time!

i'm still missing him. but people around me wants me to give him up now. i'm clueless now. yeah, i'm in a dilemma. this sucks. telling me to give up on someone you like alot.

but i understand that they care for me. i guess, i'm like jinx-ed?

whatever the reason, i'm always falling into similar traps. feelings that were expressed than was left to hang without any time boundaries. i'm pretty tired of it.

i'm now physically, mentally and emotionally tired.

not to say that i've got another big decision to choose from. this decision has a dateline set.
sighs.

if only he was here with me.
i've got his present with me already.

still missing him.
alot (:

[dreamt `]
at 11:09 PM

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

i guess we all learn best when we go through a setback in our lives.
be it in our career, family, financial, relationships, etc.

for me?

i guess i'll always have to learn it through the hard way. i never seem to get my hands not tangled in prickly matters. especially when it matters with feelings of the heart.

am i wrong again this time round?
please don't tell me that i'm wrong once again.

i've played this silly game called love too many times- wrongly. when will i ever get this game right? am i not playing it according to the rules? am i not playing it fair?

or am i just not ready?

nevertheless, i've already fallen for someone.
perhaps, it's wrong again.

sighs.
i'm now in a dilemma.
i'm contemplating if i should look for him or just leave him as he is.

i'm in such a fix.
perhaps, i created this mess again.

sighs.
and yes, did i mention i'm sick again?

like what the fuck?

just last week, i was sick.
now this week, i'm sick again.

damn!

this time round, it's gastric flu. i've no idea what the hell that is. it's the first time i had this stupid illness. damn! it hurt like fuck and yes, it's been 4 years since i cried because of pain due to illness.

the last time i cried bcoz of pain, i was sent to the hospital and i was so afraid i had to go to the hospital that day. the pain was so intense. kept throwing up as well. was definitely different from why i ended up in the hospital 4 years ago. sighs.

anyways, am taking loads of medicine now. sighs.
i'm like a walking crap.

fuck!

i don't like the way i am now.

i miss him.
if only he's here with me.

sighs. if only i could make it known to the people around me.

i'm missing him.
and it has become my latest hobby.

sighs.

[dreamt `]
at 6:43 PM

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

i'm tired.

i'm tired of having to put on this mask everytime i go to work now.
i'm tired of having to put up with the various questions posed to me.
i'm tired of having to smile and look good, when i'm not at all inside.
i'm tired of having to put up a brave front to everyone out there.
i'm tired of having numbed myself up.

i'm bottled up.

the least i can do is cry. i'll definitely feel better.
but even tears don't fall.

have i cried too much the last time round?
or have i numbed myself to the extent that tears simply don't fall?

i'm breaking up inside.
yet, i've no other way of venting it out.

i wish to let it out, but how?

i don't wish to be a burden.
i don't wish to be a problem.

sighs.

i've no idea how he is now.
i'm totally clueless.

and i still miss him.
it sucks.

i thought i would have the discipline not to sms him. i thought i could do that. but i broke my own barricade, hoping i could get a reply when there was none at the end.

i hate myself for being a naive fool- once again.
i'm so screwed.

[dreamt `]
at 12:23 AM

Saturday, November 26, 2005

aren't feeling well.

bad flu.
bad cough.
bad fever.
bad headache.
bad wheezing.
bad throat.

just bad, BaD, BAD!

ahhh!!!

will and lily made me go off early today. made me go see the doctor. sighs. i did, was a good girl. doctor gave me some really strong medicine to control my coughing and flu. after having a 4 hour nap, i'm finally feeling much better. probably, mummy's right. i'm overworked.

sighs. i've no idea myself.

i'm still thinking of him.
i've no idea how he is now. and yes, i'm worried sick. i'm not sure if he's even alive.

yes, it sounds really cranky but i've not heard him since the 17th. he promised not to disappear or ignore me de. now, i'm haven't got a clue what's wrong with him. i'm doing my best not to care, but not caring is the one hell of a hard task. my mind's just thinking and wondering if he's fine. wondering if he's safe and sound. wondering if he's healthy. wondering if he's eating and sleeping well. i just wish to know if he's in good hands.

asked korkor today if he had contacted him. korkor just shrugged and said perhaps something really happened to him. sighs. i'm afraid something happened to him as well. i hope it's not something bad, but i'm worried it might be too. sighs.

why won't you reply?
at least i know you're safe and in good hands.

everyone's worried for you.

what is it that you're afraid of?
what is it that you're not willing to talk about?

i'm tired emotionally, physically and mentally already. i don't wish to worry more for you now. but not hearing from you is getting at me. i'm angry at myself for not being able to get angry with you. i'm angry at myself for not being able to stop myself from caring for you. it's just hard not to care.

your last message to me was for me to take good care of myself.

what's happening to you?
did you do something stupid to yourself?
did you do something to yourself that has made you regret?

why did you ask me to take good care of myself?
after that message, you've disappeared till now. what's wrong with you? why wouldn't you let me know?

i'm afraid.
i'm afraid to lose.
i'm afraid to lose you.
i'm afraid to lose whatever you gave me.

i'm still holding on.
i'm still missing you.

please return.

i miss you, badly.

[dreamt `]
at 11:36 PM

Friday, November 25, 2005

many things have happened. my life have been going through ups and downs for the whole of november.

i'm getting tired of them already. tired physically, emotionally and mentally.

i'm still missing him.
he has gone missing for 2 weeks already.

here i am, very sick.

i can't eat.
i can't sleep.
i can't swallow.
i'm throwing up.
i'm half dead.

i'm still missing him.
badly.

[dreamt `]
at 11:02 PM

Monday, October 24, 2005

i've learnt my ways.

i must move on.

there's no one else for me to hold on for now.

i'm left with nothing.

only hurt, pain and regret.
but now, it's all too late for them.

i've to learn how to pick myself up once again.
i've to learn how to play a better me in front of the rest now.

i've to play a "bubbly" me- once again.

heart's broken.
left with nothing.

终于明白爱已不在。
从今以后再也没有什么能去依赖，我还有什么期待。

就让我彻底地伤，再彻底地醒过来。

[dreamt `]
at 7:11 PM

Sunday, October 23, 2005

i'm tired. i really am.

not meaning the physical me. i mean the emotional and mental me. perhaps, i've tasted how bitter this painful memory lane. perhaps, i've tried it once too much and now it has burnt the tip of my tongue. the same as it has hurt my inner self.

i guess it's time for me to move on. i know that it's difficult to move on without closure. but i guess what my girlfriends say is true.

they don't wish for me to ask for any closure, for fear another round of emotional hurricane. they're doing for my good and for my safety. sighs.

i know they're really sweet. but i don't like things to be left hanging. but i guess, nothing's much left to say for us. perhaps, the closure i want will never be the closure i want. i'll probably hurt myself even more then.

sighs.

i thought i was strong enough.
but i guess i was wrong.

i need to pick up the pieces again. yes, it's hurting to pick up the shattered pieces with my bare hands, alone. but it'll hurt more if i don't even wish to pick them up. i'll stay broken for along time. and i don't wish for that happen.

i want to be strong.
he knew me as a independent and strong ladiee.

i'll prove him right.
and to the others who loves me too.

but i'll have to fight it out within myself.
i'll have to hurt myself to the end to break free.

to forget.
and move on.

yes, someone who i still like.
but of no value am i to him now.

no point of waiting.
no point of holding on.

just no point.
plain pointless.

i must move on.

i can't be selfish to not think of the feelings of the people around me.
they're the real people who cares about me.
they're the real people who loves me.

i must move on.
i must be strong.

will i make it in the end?

[dreamt `]
at 12:37 AM

Friday, October 07, 2005

i've learnt my ways. i've learnt from my mistakes. i've learnt from my stupid doings. i've learnt it all too late.

now i've regretted.
i really do.

i want to grow up fast. if only i could.

i'll be strong.
i'll be mature.
i'll be sensible.

can we start all over again?
please don't say goodbye.

[dreamt `]
at 2:52 PM

Friday, September 30, 2005

many things have overwhelmed me. i'm lost speechless and have lost all sense of directions. i wish to fall back, hide in the shadows and not be seen. my heart's tearing up inside. i wish to stay strong. but, it's all breaking me up inside. i wish to hold back the tears, but when i don't wish to cry- the tears fall; and when i wish to cry- the tears just don't fall.

what's going on with everything around me? nothing else seems real now. i'm living in a dream. i don't wish to wake up. i really don't. but it's hurting me so much that i have no other choice but to break out of that dream i weaved with my own hand, with my own words, with my own feelings.

i've risked it all.
now everyone knows about it.

but i guess, i was never part of it. i was the game. i played my own feelings in this bet. and yes, i've lost- sadly.

i guess everything revolves just around that special someone of his. it hurt really badly when he went all out to see that special someone. it really hurt when he was there in front of me, happy to see that special someone. it hurt even more when i had to be the middle person between them. why do you have to treat me this way? since everyone already seems to know, don't surprise me by telling me you don't. you're perhaps just treating me like a little sister, but do you know how much it hurts to be that little sister of yours? do you know how much i want to let you know my feelings? do you know how much it is to pretend nothing's wrong in front of you? do you know how much it is to smile in front of you when you've hurt me- not that you know of. i want to shout, cry, make a big fuss out of it, but i can't. i just can't.

because i chose this path.

i chose to fall for you. i chose to fall for your smile. i chose to fall for your maturity. i chose to fall for your sense of humor. i chose to fall for your sensitivity. i chose to fall for your surprises. i chose to fall for you, because i accept you. i accept you like my own. i accept you because of the way i feel when i'm with you. when i'm with you, i can be myself. when i'm with you, i can be the little girl in my heart. i can be the little child who's seeking for company. i can be the little girl who yearns for someone to hold her hand.

but everything's gone twisted now.

i can't be myself when i'm with you. because i'm stressed. i've got too many things in my mind. i'm wondering if you're just treating me as a little sister. i'm wondering if you're just making it up- that's if you already know. i'm wondering if you're just making me the fool? i'm wondering if you're just pretending to be nice. i'm wondering if you're just afraid to break my heart.

but at the end, i'm wondering why i even bother to stay at your side. i'm wondering why i'm that silly. i'm wondering why i don't leave. i'm wondering why i still go all the way out with you to make you happy. i'm wondering why i still go out with you.

is it because it's just you? is it because i've fallen hard for you?

perhaps.
perhaps, i don't mind getting hurt.
perhaps, i don't mind being used.
perhaps, i don't mind being the fool.
perhaps, i don't mind being the naive little girl.
perhaps, i don't mind being the silly one.

perhaps.

i can't blame you for anything. i played my feelings in this game called love. i placed the bet- my feelings. i played the game. i played it big and now, i've lost big time. does that mean i should stop now? yeah, i believe so.

i want to stand up again. i don't wish to hang out there any longer. it's cutting me up inside. since my feelings were not accepted, i'll just have to shake it off.

it was never your fault. i can never blame you. afterall, i played this game on my own. it's your choice who you fall for. and because it's you, i'll never blame you. instead, i'll do anything you say. as long as you're happy. yes, even if i were to leave just to make you happy, i'll do it. as long as you're happy, i'll do anything- even if i were to hurt myself in the process, i'll do so. at least i know, you'll be able to smile. so i'll do anything. i will.

call me silly.
call me naive.
call me stupid.

call me anything you want.
perhaps, it's because you're the dream i wish i had.

if i can't have this little dream of mine, why not let this dream of mine find his dream?

if i can't have this little dream of mine, why not let this dream of mine find his happiness?

am i wrong to speak of it this way?
am i wrong?

silly aye?
he's afterall just my dream. a little girl's dream.
he's afterall just a little bubble. a little bubble which i'm trying hard not to burst.
he's afterall just a fantasy.

perhaps, if i wake myself up to reality- i'll really be able to forget?
is there any chance in which you can forget someone you yearn for?

i guess not.
can i not wake up?
can i not, please?

can i still keep this little dream of mine?
can i still keep this little bubble of mine?

"michelle, when will you ever learn?"

-i don't wish to learn.

[dreamt `]
at 3:48 PM

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

some things took a turn yesterday. it was my fault. i shouldn't have expected. it just created more problems for me.

sighs.

i'm in a little world of mine.
don't wake me up.
don't pop that bubble i have.

you're all i wish i have.
but you'll never be what i wish for.

[dreamt `]
at 2:58 PM

Friday, September 23, 2005

lots of things have happened lately. let's just say there were both happy and unhappy stuff that happened. let's cut things short.

went clubbing with my group of friends from work on sunday. wells, we headed over to chinablack after work. to chill with will and basically celebrate his birthday. was really cool! but things started to turn wee ugly? people started to become drunk and all took turns to throw up. sighs. i took turn looking after the boys and girls. sighs- it was scary looking at them throw up. badly. clubbed till near 5 before heading over my friend's place to stay over. we were practically "saints" since we could work before clubbing, enjoyed ourselves clubbing and still go back to work after clubbing! woohoo!! energizer bunnies!! haha.

have been hanging out with him till late these few days. wells, i must say i'm drowning myself. yes, i don't deny it. i'm the silly girl, the silly naive one with a little dream of her own.

[dreamt `]
at 4:44 PM

Thursday, September 15, 2005

not feeling well. having a cold now. sighs. when did i get this cold? i wonder. hopefully, not on tuesday? sighs.

anyways, i'm becoming very dry now. sighs.

i'm missing him more and more.
he's getting into me more now.
is he even the one?

sighs.
just a dream.

only a dream.

[dreamt `]
at 10:51 PM

Sunday, September 11, 2005

just bought 512mb mmc card. now my phone's like my mp3 player. haha.

bored.

you're just my dream.
but making everyone happy around me is a better solution than hoping for people to make my day.

[dreamt `]
at 12:30 AM

Friday, September 09, 2005

just finished a camp yesterday. hai sing catholic high school. venue was located at CDANS bukit batok. camp wasn't too bad, 2D1N. just that i didn't hang out with the instructors a real lot. wells, it was afterall my 2nd camp with them. sighs. we only bonded like on the last day? heh.

met up with alan for dinner. was supposed to meet will but some things cropped up? had mos burger for dinner and watched "one more chance"- the jack neo newest movie. wells, i didn't quite like it. it was touching, but i didn't exactly fancy the show.

went shopping with andy during our break today. bought a keychain and a wallet! yeah! finally!! ripcurl (:

i'm a happy girl (: just got my pay from simplelife. can't wait for my camp pay and fish&co pay too!

gonna get a new mmc card alr. probably look around tmr? get andy to look around with me ba.

outta here.
hitting the sack-

[dreamt `]
at 12:37 AM

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

you're making me fall for you.

even more.

(:

[dreamt `]
at 12:05 AM

Sunday, September 04, 2005

sat alone. tears fell down. they just rolled down my cheeks as i lay my head on the table. my world seems to have lost its beautiful colors. maybe i lost them. maybe i did.

tears fell. my heart's breaking up inside. i've got no place to let them all out. it's hurting inside. i felt my heart shiver every time a tear fell. no one there to catch the tear. no one understands. no one knows. no one for me to lean on. not a shoulder for me to lean on for my pillar of support.

everything's in a whirl. i'm lost. looking for directions. but i don't see any around.

i wish to hold on.

i wish to hold on to his smile, basically hold on to him.

but i've lost hope in holding on. how much i want to, it's really breaking me up inside. to have so near yet so far away from me. he's out of reach.

i'm a fool.

i really am.

love is not to forget, but to forgive. not to see but understand. not to hear but to listen. not to let go but HOLD ON!!!

[dreamt `]
at 3:24 PM

Thursday, September 01, 2005

today was a busy day. i'm enjoying lunch crowd nowadays. cause it's SO cool! but it's really killing everyone. anyways, was really stressed up with one table today. let's just say they were difficult customers to please. 15 entrees and 3 different sets of instructions. because of my special customers who only wanted me to serve, i caused major panic in the kitchen. sighs. wells, let's just keep it short. warzone.

oh wells, had asthma attack this afternoon. was made to sit down and not move around. or rather, was INSTRUCTED! wells, it was nice of him. but i can't let customers wait just because i have asthma right? anyhow, the food was picked up and everything was alright. anyways, i just sat on the stool and rested for some time. looking at the work in the kitchen was pretty cool. though, i was teased by robin most of the time. anyhow, i got a cup of hot barley. thanks to alan (:

sighs. my wrist's still hurting. it doesn't seem to get better. oh wells, accident prone? i doubt it. probably due to the weight i have to carry when i serve the customers. oh wells, let's not have that get it the way.

went for squash today. had a good talk to my twin- michelle. her view? the same as everyone. will i want to lose a friend after asking a sentence? i doubt i will. let's just leave it as well.

sighs.
missing you (:

[dreamt `]
at 11:45 PM

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

met up with dear on sunday. went over to scotts to have pastamania and i had a little surprise. my little girl, alison came over to celebrate with me. heh (: so sweet of her! we had our filling brunch and headed over to CK to check out the watches. i got my present from my dearest le. they got me to buy the fossil watch. wells, i like it (: anyways, went back to the restaurant to pass will his disposables and was surprised to see the place packed. cool! went shopping with my girls after that. went home and dumped my stuff before heading over to chomps.

had a great time at chomps with the boys. shikin mei came as well! wells, we just slacked till everyone came for dinner. alan, will, andy and lily bought me a present. so sweet! the levi top i wanted to get the other day. no wonder, alan kept delaying the day to get the top. sweet (: we had lots of food! seafood, hokkien mee, etc. i had my fill of sugarcane juice as well. got free mug from the ralli boys again. sweet (: i always get free cup from them! after dinner, headed over to happy daze for a drink. had beer and were playing funny games there. i must say, i really cannot coordinate! haha. anyways, i enjoyed myself alot.

happy 20th birthday to myself!

about my internal struggle, i guess i'll just leave it as it is. let time pass. no other choice but to let nature takes its course. am i breaking up inside? yes. but, the tears don't seem to fall. my heart's just feeling cold. i guess, i need to learn how to love myself.

sighs. i need a break. i need to play some squash and swim. i need to break free! sighs.

you're the only one i can think of.
yet you're just a dream to me.

[dreamt `]
at 12:13 AM

Sunday, August 28, 2005

it's my birthday today. happy about it? wells, just a bit. i guess, too much happenings in my life have made me stagger in my footsteps. i guess, i'm probably not moving as fast as the happenings in my life. i'm caught breatheless with all these happenings that is draining up all my strength. i'm now mentally, physically and emotionally drained.

wells, i would say i'm breaking up inside. everything around me seems to crumble down- bit by bit. i've lost sight of what's in front of me. the outer shell of me is just holding on. i don't wish to break down. i really don't wish to, but i'm already breaking up inside. tears don't seem to flow, i don't seem to exist anymore.

i met him.

things started off fine. until, tongues started to wag. i did nothing. neither did him. i and him continued as friends. but tongues started to wag even more. i and him, did nothing as well. until that fateful day. when drama had to end. i and him are no more. friends? buddies?

i don't regret knowing him. i enjoy the times i had with him.

but am i the fool? am i the naive one who thought everything was alright? am i the fool who made the wrong moves, wrong mistakes? am i the naive one who caused everything to crumble?

am i a naive fool?

why treat me nice when you're probably not? why treat me nice when we're just friends? why treat me nice from the start? why treat me nice till now?

i feel silly. i guess, it's me who made the wrong moves. i played the wrong set of chess. i played it all wrong. now, i have to eat my words back. now, i have to clear the mess. now, i have to leave. i guess, it's me who caused tongues to wag. i guess, it's me who created this whole drama. i guess, nothing beats better than my departure? where can i go from here?

am i angry of him? am i upset of him?

yes. i am angry. i am upset. but not on him, instead it's on myself.

i'm angry that i made the wrong moves. i'm angry that i created this mess. i'm angry with myself. i'm upset that i thought things were supposedly smooth. i'm upset that i'm naive. i'm upset that i was made the fool. i'm upset that i am the joke. i'm upset that i can't stay the cheerful me- the old me. i'm upset that i'm in this deep now. i'm upset that it's just me all along.

my fault.

it's just my fault. nothing more to say abt tt.
don't wish to talk abt it either.

will time heal all wounds?
only heaven knows.

[dreamt `]
at 10:38 AM

Friday, August 19, 2005

it's been some time since i last logged in. with all the work load i'm having currently, doing opening and closings everyday is wearing me out. was supposed to pull full-shifts for this whole week. but i was super tired so i changed my schedule on my own. heh. took half day off yesterday and came straight home to rest. made brownie and butter cake!! haha (: it succeeded!! yummy (:

anyways, was supposed to pull full shift again today. night being at the bar, but stupid schedule made me just pissed off. sighs, i wonder if i'm even needed tmr. oh whatever! gerene let me off today and will was quite pissed off as well. wells, i am as well. i'm not a fucking substitute you can just call and release for goodness sake! oh whatever!!

will be going to east view secondary next monday to wednesday. be having my akltg school camp. sighs! all the way to tampines! and i have to be there like at 8? sheesh!! i'm so going to be worn out after this 2 weeks. let's just keep things cool? think of the cash next month. heh.

i can't wait for next sunday! yeah (:

[dreamt `]
at 10:56 PM

Saturday, August 13, 2005

haven't been up to blog for some time. wells, it's my day off today. joan's having her organ performance tonight. no idea how it'll turn out. wells, let's just see.

went over to CK Tangs yesterday during my break with ila. just to check out the ranges of watches. found out BAD news. apparently, calvin- the promotor who was serving me said that the watch i wanted, DKNY-1152 is out of stock in singapore. and now, i'm not even sure if there is still any in OG orchard. sighs. this just sucks. but if there really isn't any left, there's nothing i can do about it as well. wells, there'll be new batches of the different ranges of watches coming in next week. and i'll be getting a message or a call from calvin to inform me. wells, i'll probably just look around now. sighs.

went off yesterday with will last night. walked all the way to dhoby ghaut station with our ice blended. was crapping all the way. poor thing, today have to go down chinatown alone to buy disposables for the restaurant. was great chatting.

sighs. i'm so bored.
gonna slack around more.

outta here.

[dreamt `]
at 2:54 PM

Saturday, August 06, 2005

sighs. lots of things have happened lately, or rather perhaps its just me. being too sensitive? being too naive? i guess so. and the best part of all, i'm the fool who's being ridiculous. maybe i'm just not used to it. or rather, maybe not exposed to such stuff. sighs.

somehow, i feel a wee bit useless. actually, quite alot. and yes, it's putting me down quite alot. i don't wish to brood over it but somehow it just brings me down to a lower level. and the feeling really sucked. big time! but no one seems to be level-headed to talk to me. personally one to one. heart-to-heart.

"girl, this is how the working world is like."

yeah, all the answers can be sum up to that sentence. but heys, i'm really not ready to face such world you're talking about. i must admit that i've been having my way since i was young. not as a pampered spoilt brat but as a rebellious punk who thinks the whole world owes her something. yeah, that was me. so perhaps, i never was exposed to that nonsense you adults talk about. or rather, i always pushed it aside and just left them with you adults to solve them. i don't like things this way. i seriously don't. perhaps, i can't handle stress? or rather, i can't handle my own emotions. yes, i agree that i've let my emotions run me instead of me being in control of my own emotions. but it's really difficult. and yes, i want to change that. i want to prove myself wrong, that i can learn to control my own emotions. i agree that i'll definitely suffer in the working world with my mood swings. i guess i'll just have to learn to put up a stronger front? perhaps. am i not strong enough? maybe i'm not. sighs, and all the while i thought i was a strong person. but i guess not. all the experiences i had recently just proved that i was a wimp. sighs. it fucking hurts. especially when i've got not one "real" person to talk to. my darlings are in a fix themselves and i don't wish to put on more load on their tight burden. i want to solve this on my own. i'll have to fix this mess up myself- this mess which i created out of my own fucking hands.

sighs. i need to really go to church and probably just literally beg for forgiveness. here i am, admitting to others that i'm a strong person- fixing other people's problems but just leaving my own at the back of my head. am i just being stubborn? i think i really am. and no one can help me with that. unless, i start to put things right. and i'll have to start with myself. fixing myself up!

my whole life's in a mess. i fucking hate it. but i'll have to start to learn to put my fucking life behind me when i'm at work. or when i'm at something else. if not, i'll never be able to do anything right. and i hate that feeling of not being able to fulfill something. especially when i'm supposed to be good at it. i guess, i keep screwing things up. sighs.

i feel like asking someone if he feels i'm screwed up. and well, i bet he says i am. because i know myself that i'm really screwed up. but i don't wish to stay this way. i want to get up from where i fumbled and start over. but am i able to do so? am i ready to face the music once again? sighs. i want to make it up for the poor guy. listening to my rubbish non-stop. when he's got loads on his mind already. sighs. i guess i'll have to start over. can i do it? take it as a challenge and do what i need to do. i don't believe i'll fail. not again. and i better make sure i don't.

sighs. am running late now.
outta here.

[dreamt `]
at 3:44 PM

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

i'm finally free to blog! sighs. finally able to come online to blog and upload the pictures which will passed to me today and i have to fucking meet irritating people online. fucking screw my mood la! i don't wish to fucking mention names. fucking screwed up!!

whatever.

anyways, managed to go down sentosa on sunday. great sun with great people! just that, the number was really pathetic! only 4 of us sia- andy, fairuz, hidz and myself. oh wells, took loads of pictures as well. got a good tan, but i'm currently peeling!! ahhh~

like lobster!!

be going shopping with dear on thurs!! yeah (:

i saw the watch i wanna get liao!! or rather, people out there!! i wanna get DKNY watch- serial number 1152!! its a black watch, with a funny cutting. looks a wee bit like a distorted square!! i wanna get!! *hint*

haha (:

gonna chill around more. gonna hit the sack real soon!!

[dreamt `]
at 11:49 PM

Friday, July 29, 2005

yes, i'm bored. anyways, since it's like the norm to dedicate different messages to the different groups of friends you hang out with now- i'll do that too! heh :)

wells, friends really are a part of my life. i would say that i can't live without my friends, especially my GIRLFRIENDS!! woohoo :) the people around me are like my vitamins!! daily dosage is good enough for me. the friends i have are all the best prezzies i have :)

to my dears- peksy, jo-ann and alison. you guys have been the bestest presents i could ever ask from the one above. you guys have brightened my days for god knows how long. and i'm really blessed to have you guys as my darlings. it's having you guys as my pillar of support that makes life so much fun!! i miss you guys loads!! and till the day we meet, takkaire of urself :)

to my buddies- jesse, alan, jon and zheng wen. you guys rock! its buddies like you guys that make me feel a lot like a girl. heh!! cause its with you guys where i have loads of fun!! i miss those days we had just crapping on rubbish, going over to snookerium for arcade, going over zheng's place for dinner!! all in all, i miss our buddies gathering!! you guys have taken a route which is different from me now. cause you guys have to serve NS. but that doesn't mean we'll catch up less. this means, we need to catch up even MORE!! dinner again??

to my crazy girls- regina, cui jie, xinying. you girls just make my day as well!! it's with the guys that i'm a GUY. and when i'm with you girls, i'm a GIRL!! heh. we'll go shopping, go kbox to sing our hearts out, go gaga over someone cute, go fine dining together even when we're already BROKE!! wells, what else can i ask for?? its with you people that makes life a wee bit wacky. we just eat and not even worry about growing fat?? nah, we just do the worrying after we enjoyed the meal. that's how to enjoy life aye?? i love!!

to my (ex)colleagues- ila, serene, andy, skye, jj, liang, shikin, farah, hidz, fairuz and faizah. it's people like you guys that make life working so much enjoyable!! it's people like you guys that also make work worthwhile. we have grown to an extended family in less than a month and it's been great. having to workin alongside with you guys have been a pleasure!! especially when we start to gossip about other people during our breaks at shaw house or taka. time have passed so fast!! we'll have to stay in contact yeah?? takkaire of urself peeps!!

to my akltg-mates- rossana, pearlyn, wayne, lydia, cheryl, denise, kasturri, isabelle, kahyee, etc. it's you people who makes coaching a whole lot fun cause we get to talk about rubbish and really have fun together!! i miss coaching!! and yes, i can't wait for september to come!! i hope to do SK since i've only done IAG. and woohoo, i wanna go back to m'sia!! till september, takkaire!!

to the rest out there, who i have missed out. i really don't mean it. takkaire of urself too :)

i'm gonna chill now. am still counting down to sunday!! sentosa, here i come!!

[dreamt `]
at 11:16 PM

its my off day today. BORING!! sighs. i had a good night sleep though. heh. slept at around 130 yesterday and slept through all the way till 12 today. woohoo :) had a great sleep! got a good rest :)

anyways, went down for my pedicure today. NO BLACK!!! ahhh!! i'm so going to get black nail polish already!! sighs. anyways, came back home straight after pedicure. sighs. not going to leave home already. don't feel like appearing at town today. kind of feel sick of town already. especially when i'm not working. heh.

going sentosa on sunday!! yeah :) i can't wait for sunday. lalala~ i so need at tan badly!!felicia's working at sentosa!! woohoo- not bad aye? i need a tan!! better have a good sun on sunday!!

i'm super bored!!

[1] What shud u be doin right now?
nothing. it's my off day! fully utilizing my time to RELAX :)

[2] What are you listening to?
my tonne of music on ARES. illegally downloaded.

[3] Can you do anything freakish with your body? ?
define.

[4] Chicken or fish?
its quite hard. i have chicken nearly everyday! i need both!!

[5] Favorite weather?
SUNNY day. so i can get my TAN!!!

[6] Is ice cream the best thing in the world?
probably. i have the assorted range of BEN&JERRY's ice cream at work!!

[7] Had a restaurant sing to you for your birthday?
yeah. hard rock cafe. was super COOL :)

[8] Silver, gold or platinum?
silver and platinum. i like white gold :)

[9] Candle lit dinner in a restaurant or at home?
depends.

[10] Roses or wild flower?
depends. sunflower anyday for me!!

[11] Silly or serious romance?
both of each. i need fun!!

[12] What CD is in your CD player right now?
illegally downloaded music.

[14] Favorite Disney Characters?
hmmm, have no idea. probably ariel from under the sea.

[15] Favorite fast food?
currently, it's either burger king or long john silver.

[16] Favorite book(s)?
hmmm, not any now.

[17] Favorite Sports teams?
no particular favorite.

[18] Favorite song?
tonnes!!

[19] What room is your computer in?
mummy's room.

[20] What is your shoe size?
ranges from 7-9. depends on the cutting of the shoe?

[21] Happy or Scary movies?
happy movies. but i prefer action or adventure movies.

[22] What will you be when you grow up?
i have no idea.

[23] End a relationship just because the person didn't say "i love you"?
nah.

[24] Go out with someone because you felt sorry for them?
nopes.

[dreamt `]
at 5:27 PM

it has been a really busy week! i've not been online for ages! sighs. i miss being online. but that only means i'm not working. heh :)

anyways, it was really mr lambert's last day. he had dinner at the restaurant on sunday with his family members. sighs. i didn't get to serve his table and was left hanging alone at the restaurant cause my stationwas FULLy taken over by others. everyone was taking after my job and i would say i was SUPER bored. i even told will that i don't mind standing for free. sighs. anyways, i couldn't talk to mr lambert that day and was particularly upset that it was his last dinner at simplelife. particularly upset since he's been like a dad to me. sighs. and i was really upset that i actually cried. sighs. my "fatherly" figure's leaving. sighs. will and everyone at fish&co all know about it as well. sighs!! we wasn't able to take a picture as i wasn't in the right state on mind. wells, now it's over. i wrote a letter to him and gave him chox when he came for dinner at fish&co on wed. sighs. i'm so going to miss him!!! i really am. i really did treat him as my own dad. finally will understands why i felt upset. sighs. wrote a long letter explaining why i was emotional when i saw mr lambert leaving. sighs.

let's talk about happ-ier stuff.

wells, i've finally graduated!! yeah :)

wednesday was my graduation. was really stupid, asking us to reach early just to know what number we are and where we'll be sitting. was really dumb. den we had people who had long boring speeches. sighs. luckily for me, i had rossana sitting with me. or else, i'll really die of boredom. we were like damn tired and hungry! yeah. den it was finally time for us to get up stage to collect our cert! like finally. oh wells, was actually quite nervous when it was nearly my turn. cause it was actually my first time like officially graduating? heh. oh wells, was really cool! but the folder we had was actually empty. we had to collect it after the graduation at blk S which was really stupid. anyways, mummy had to leave early cause my bro's project couldn't be opened in school and my sister had to re-burn a new one for him. wells, i took a picture with my mum before she left for my bro's school. photo-taking session was after the whole graduation. we took loads of pictures and it was all thanks to will. since he lent it to me. heh. after graduation, we went over to suntec for lunch. yeah, the gang. myself, regina, cui jie, anna, wilmer, jesse, xinying and jonathan. we went over to marche to have lunch. was really cool. we just slacked there until about 4 before leaving the place. i went over to work after marche and the first person i saw at the restaurant was MR LAMBERT! he was talking to his friends there and i was really shocked! yeah. anyways, i finally took a picture with him, without RED NOSE! heh. i took with loads of people as well. took with lily, rosy and spencer too! was really cool. people at the restaurant thought that it was my last day. heh. anyways, it was really great! the only person i didn't get to take with was will. sighs. it was his off day anyways. oh wells, i'll still be holding his camera anyway. heh.

sighs. today work was a BORE! many things happened. and i would personally say, i had totally no MORALE to continue working. i must apologize to andy especially. but i couldn't take it no more. i even told will that i wanted to 86. i couldn't take the fucking politics anymore. problems that can't be solved have to told to me and i can't just leave it hanging there. i can't solve it on my own and i HAD to tell will. it's fucking polictics everywhere. yeah, i know there's polictics everywhere but it's not like we can't have them settled. i told will off today and just told him that there's a real need for him to change. if not, he'll lose his employees as fast as fish&co. sighs. i told ila as well that if people want to 86, just 86. don't tell me. i really don't wish to know. yes, i'll be upset but it beats better den knowing the friend i know leaving. sighs. totally no mood today. but after our chat at coffee bean, will's cool about it now. sighs. i wonder if things will be good. I HOPE SO!

i'm tired. tmr's my day off. going down for pedicure! they better have BLACK. sighs. i need a rest. i really need one. i'm really exhausted.

knocking off now.
cheers :)

[dreamt `]
at 12:17 AM

Sunday, July 24, 2005

sighs. yesterday was quite a bad day. or rather, it was just an-OK day. anyways, finally caught up with ah liang le. he didn't know he was working if not for andy's msg to him. lucky US! phew, thank god i got andy to msg liang. sighs. poor guy. came to work after night shift at the pub. anyways, it was really nice talking to him. heh. saw fann wong yesterday as well. she went to apple hub and i went to tell the people back at the restaurant. it was really funny. everyone started to "volunteer" to be the greeter so that they could have a better view of her. anyways, it was really cute. even zul was asking me to check if he's hair was in a mess. funny people (:

anyways, desmond was on the floor yesterday and i would say i had no idea what he's talking actually. he borrowed my phone to msg someone and could even ask me at the floor itself how to send msg. c'mon! do you like want my phone to be confiscated or something? like wth? and yes, he left without having the ginger re-filled. and i had to answer it. like wth! whatever`

sighs. it was serene's last day yesterday. i so miss her! sighs. hopefully, we'll be able to catch up real soon!!

had a big problem yesterday. at the dish-washing area. sighs. apparently, the uncle wasn't happy about stuff and had actually shouted at lily when he came to work. like wth? den he was taking his time to wash the dishes, or rather wasn't bothered to actually wash them. both sides started to be short of utensils, etc. will came into the picture and told them off but the uncle still continued taking his sweet time. imagine lunch time without utensils. sighs! will got fed up and started to do things himself. he started to clear the dishes and started to pack it neatly for the uncle so that washing would be easier. was really bad. will, wearing his white long-sleeve and chain bracelet and leather watch clearing the dishes with a pissed off look on his face. so yeah, i helped clear the stuff as well, plus stack the collin glasses on the rack as well. will actually told the uncle off many times and he actually shouted at will as well. it was like war zone at the kitchen with everyone looking at the dish-washing area. ila came into help as well leaving desmond and ain on the floor. sighs. was really bad. clearing our dishes and fish&co's dishes and pans. plus 2 people arguing and everyone looking. even lex came to tell the uncle off. sighs. anyways, we cleared and packed everything in order for him and after everything was done, will called us to leave the area. wells, i cut myself with the colling glass. one of it actually broke in my hands. sighs. and the best part, i didn't realise it. i didn't notice it until will asked me if my finger was bleeding. when i went to wash my hands den i realised it. sighs. went to do my side-work of clearing the washed dishes to the various stations. i bruised the another finger. my finger got caught in between the big plates and the cabinet. was damn painful! i had to pull my finger out. now, the finger's slightly swollen, bruised and can see the vein horizontally. sighs. ben had no coffee cups at the bar, totally ran out so i told will again and he got the dishwasher to wash the coffee cups first. after everything was done, i carried all 10 cups out at one go. one in each finger. and it was still HOT after being sterilised!! ahhh!!! den when i reached the bar, i twisted another finger on the other hand!! sighs. ila says i'm SUPER accident PRONED!! ahhh!!! even kevin and mr lambert was agreeing to it. sighs!! painful wor!! sighs.

went to shaw to have long john with ila during break and when we were on our way to the supermarket to get chox, guess who i met!! CUI JIE!! yeah!! we talked for quite some time until andy came over. yeah, was so nice to meet someone like her!! especially after losing contact for so long!! after chatting with her, we went to the supermarket to get our chox. i got sushi as well. den we went back to work.

mr lambert started saying that it was his last day. even will told me. but i didn't believe it. sighs. it's so BAD!! i'm so gonna miss him!! sighs, apparently he's going back to south africa. *cries* i'm gonna miss him!! he says he's having dinner tonight at the restaurant. i'm gonna work tonight!! hopefully will brought his camera. if not, i dunno sia. sighs. another fatherly figure's leaving. i'm so gonna miss him!!

ahhhhh!!!

better shower now. sighs.

[dreamt `]
at 11:38 AM

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

i'm bored. sighs. can't leave home yet. i'm going so bored, that i can't think of anything that's refreshing or appealing to me. sighs, it sounds like crap aye? i feel like crap.

just received mail from rossana on the m'sia camp. sighs, i feel like going. should i? coach training will be on 13-14th aug @ 9pm. the m'sia camp will be on the 20-23rd aug. back at seremban and back at allson klana resort. sighs. should i attend this camp? i need advice. probably need to discuss with will when i get back to work.

i'm really bored. sighs.

gonna slack around now.

[dreamt `]
at 2:32 PM

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

yesterday was a really busy day. worked morning shift yesterday and actually went over to work really early. reached orchard at 930 and actually met up with hidayah. how cool was tt? to start my day off. went over to mac with her to get her breakfast and i bought double chox muffin from coffee bean. sighs, i'm such a coffee bean lover- even though i don't take coffee or tea. weird aye? anyways, went to set up station etc and suddenly felt weak again. will actually swept and mopped the floor all together. sighs. just didn't feel all good and will just helped himself in the opening of the restaurant.

ricky had his interview in the morning at fish&co. we were asked to keep quiet and stay either at the kitchen or to just stay away from the set. wells, azmi asked me to help him with the calamansi drink cause it was running low. will actually went to tell him that i'll help him only because there were no customers. he's was just so cool about that and he actually told will that he just needs me to help with the calamansi and i could be off after tt. wells, i was cool about it as well. afterall, i do miss that bar. sighs, suddenly bar times were really fun and cool. but, no more chance in there again i guess.

after everything was done, i went back to the restaurant just to stone. since it was just me and will at the restaurant. it was a rainy day and we were expecting NO CROWD!! siew chern came about 12 and we started to do really insane stuff. like cleaning the chairs and will was cleaning the windows. even steven was asking will if we had customers. wells, ricky and himself were our first customers. on a rainy day. den suddenly, people started to stream in. loads of them. we were full house almost immediately and we were down one staff. sighs, we were super busy and fish&co was empty. rainy day- people prefer soup to western. sighs. suddenly, rosy brought the fish&co members over to help out! so sweet of them :) rosy, karen, ruby and lily actually came over to help out. that was how busy the restaurant was. even henny was out serving the customers! wells, missy sick was out running the floor and i could seriously say i nearly fainted on the floor. that was how bad. sighs. rosy and her gang went back to fish&co about 1 plus and we were really cool about that. so sweet of them to volunteer themselves. karen was really helpful and i got her around with me to do the clearing of tables, serving of food and was teaching her the different stations. she pretty like the "job". heh. and she taught me how to do split checks! yeah!!

anyways, managed to psycho evon and jeanette to come over to my restaurant to eat. yeah, i paid for the meal. i didn't eat anything, just snacked on my muffin. didn't have much appetite to eat anyway. was chatting alot and serene joined us too. yeah, was so cool to see these 2 girls after so long. evon had the goreng pisang with ice cream and best of all, mr lambert was the one who cooked it. he even came out to ask if the food was good. evon loved her dessert and was telling mr lambert that it was a good combination. i tried it myself, and i must say it tasted really good as well.

went over to shaw but couldn't decide on any movie so decided to go for girl's favourite leisure- retail therapy. eveon bought herself a bikini at tannlines. jean and i bought a top at harley's over at taka and it was really great hanging out with them. too bad that i wasn't feeling really well. sighs. will called me while they were having dinner. i didn't have appetite yet again. sighs. short of staff, so i went down from taka to work. wasn't feeling too good and i was feeling really cold. my fingers were frozen cold and when i touched will, he looked at me and said, "geesh, you're running a fever. you wanna go back?" wells, of course i denied it. i cuddled at the kitchen though. cause that was where i could find the only warmth. sighs. by 930, i was shooed off by will and kevin. made to go down to the doctor's to see what's wrong. sighs, i hate doctors.

doctor concluded i'm having the flu virul infection. he gave me loads of disgusting medicine and gave me a mc and forbidded me to go to work. sighs, so i told will and he agreed with the doctor. sighs. i was so bored.

woke up at 12 today and after lunch, was on the phone with many different people. talked to ila, will and webster. sighs. i'm glad ila called me. i'm now relieved. talked to her for about an hour and later talked to will for another hour. webster called from m'sia and chatted for about half hour. sighs. staying home sick is so BORING!! i wanna go out, but i can't. sighs. aren't going for camp as well. sighs, am now a standby for the restaurant. but i bet, will won't want me down even if they're short-handed now that i'm on medicine. sighs. if that's the case, i'll be stoning at home till saturday. be working full-shift on saturday. should i be happy about that? i should. but it's still so long away!! sighs, do i sound like a workaholic?? i guess so. i enjoy work. that's the reason.

sighs. i've got loads of medicine i need to take later before i sleep. yucks! it's so bitter and i really can't stand them. the only thing that taste nice, is the cough syrup that's orange-flavoured. even the lozenges make my tongue slightly numb. somewhat like that strepsils that dear introduced me. gosh, it just makes me tongue numb. yucks?? i feel so weird with a numb tongue.

my outdoor pay's ready. finally! i'll have to pick it up soon. probably by friday. and i'll be 160 buckeroos richer. yeah! at first, i was super broke. having just 10 bucks in my account. now, i'm glad all my pay's in. just that i've got one more akltg pay's which is long dued and short changed. sighs. it's somehow screwed? but, i'm still hopeful. at least, i know that it's rossana who's handling this case now.

sighs. graduation's next week. what should i do after graduation? i'm the planner again. yes, it's always me. i'm really sick and tired of planning already. sighs. can't someone do the planning for once? or rather, it's the last planning needed for the group. i've planned enough for 3 years already. can't anyone plan for me- just for once and the last time? sighs. will's probably not putting me on schedule on wednesday. if that's so, i'll really be bored. unless, plans are scheduled. what will be good? i'll probably change out of the formal clothes immediately after the graduation. can't imagine myself walking around town in office attire. heh. can't do silly stuff in clothes like that. tink i'll skip the dinner at marina. don't wish to screw myself immediately after i'm well. sighs, where's good to chill after graduation? how about dinner at zheng's? nah, better not disturb his family again. though i really do miss gathering over at his place. movie's quite boring. or rather, traditional. unless, we watch it at shaw! heh, cause i've got complimentory pass! sighs, good movie's not out yet. i wanna watch "charlie and the chox factory"! woohoo`

sighs. what's good? i'm really bored. but i can't leave the house yet. cause i'm not physically ready yet. what rubbish is that? sighs, i feel like crap! i really do. hate being sick. i must get well!!

bored.

bored.

bored.

[dreamt `]
at 10:47 PM

Sunday, July 17, 2005

wasn't feeling well today. threw up before leaving home today for work. sighs, took a cab down to work today. didn't feel good at work still and went threw up more as well. sighs, my immune system's in a real mess. wth!! sighs, i'm already sick and tired of medicine liao!! can i not fall ill?? sighs

had a tiff with my mum just now. it was BAD!! sighs. sometimes, i just can't understand her. don't wish to talk about it.

just got some news from jemie. apparently, i'm not a confirmed member for the upcoming camp yet. fuck sia. and i've already re-arranged the whole fucking schedule for the rest of the week. will's going to fucking screw me if this camp's off. what crap is this sia! now i have to wait for jemie's notice.

sighs.

i'm screwed.

[dreamt `]
at 11:58 PM

Friday, July 15, 2005

i'm bored. really bored. it's weird not working. wells, but i'm glad i had my off day. had a good rest after being sickly and dazed. now i'm up and bubbly again (:

went over to parkway to meet jon today. was asking me if i wanted to have ice-cream. but seriously, even if it's free i can't have any. i'm quite scared of ice cream already. after that ice cream class we had with susan the other day. sighs. jon's still working there- anderson's ice cream. sighs, haven't met up with the gang for ages!! i miss dinner times over at zheng's place. if only we could hang out like that again. wells, if only (:

went down to far east to meet ila for her break. ate at far east too. wells, the food's not too bad other den it's rather cold. but overall, not too bad. and yes, ila's friend ifa (tink it's spelt like that) is really friendly. nice people i meet nowadays. heh. after eating, went over to mcafe at shaw house and slacked, in the rain. yeah, it was really dumb but we just slacked through it. was fun (: andy and shikin came after their movie and sat for awhile before going over to taka to meet the rest of the clan. the 3 girls just continued to chill. heh. we ordered drinks as well. i had double chox and ila had iced chox. and it totally SUCKED!! there wasn't any chox taste!! just bland milk. sighs, screwed up!! they should just keep to their frigging burgers!!

oh wells, went with ila over to wheelock and checked my schedule. was damn cold at the restaurant la!! luckily for me, i had my jacket on. or else, sure sick again. sighs, stupid weather!! oh wells, was pretty fun dropping by on my off day. saw people working instead of me working. heh.

met up with dear at j8 around 7ish. walked around but found nothing appealing. sighs. somehow, shopping has lost it's taste now. it taste somehow bland now. heh. probably that's because i've not been on the streets for a long time. OR because working at orchard makes life at orchard VERY boring now. it's one way or the other.

sighs. gonna sleep now.
yawns (:

[dreamt `]
at 12:29 AM

Thursday, July 14, 2005

it's my off day today. had quite a bad day yesterday. i was most of the time in a daze. sighs. wasn't feeling well yesterday. did opening myself again yesterday. sighs. ricky had to come for lunch again. sighs. somehow, i'm quite tired of his face. not because of what happened, but because of the frequency of him having his meals at the restaurant. sighs. oh wells, i can't say no to him coming to his own outlet, can i?

oh wells, met up with my dears over at wisma with andy. dears were having jap food, and i had the tofu. sighs. didn't have much appetite as well. will came down as well and dears had a good look of him. sighs. he's really like a small boy la. luckily, he didn't wear his cap. if not, he'll really be labelled as a small boy.

jo left and met up with alison for dinner. walked around with them while most of the time, i was spent stoning again. sighs. after dinner, went home and hit the bed at 9. super early!! but yeah, i couldn't take it much longer. sighs.

feeling much better now. ken didn't go for school today. he's staying in due to fever. sighs. hopefully it wasn't by me. yeah, woke up to see him still lying on bed with the fever sticker on his forehead. he's been having fever frequently this whole year. not good!! but was cool, haven't seen the little boy for ages. ever since i've been working till late, don't get to spend time with him. or usually, he'll be playing his gunbound when i'm ging for night shifts.

be going over to parkway later. meet jon for the cd-rom and to return his charger. yeah, den go down orchard meet andy and skye till they go over for work. den i'll be going over to J8 to meet dear. walk around and probably have dinner ba. have an important task!!

sighs. it's the 14th day of the month. also the 14th day the restaurant's opened. sighs. and so many politics have to happen. and it's especially annoying when they're just little stuff. sighs. good frens were made during these 2 weeks and friction have to be built up as well. sighs. sometimes, i ask myself. do i want to leave with my "clan". but somehow, there never was an answer to it. at first, probably. but do i want to leave because of my frens? my colleages? my clan? or do i want to stay through and prove to others that we are who we are, and that we're doing out utmost effort. but are our efforst recognized?

i don't like giving others a chance to have the last laugh. yeah, that's me. screw off if you don't like it. sighs. everyone's doing their best and just a small mistake have to be screwed. what kind of management is this? i don't like it. but leaving isn't going to make things cool. afterall, he's a rich guy who can hire more people. i rather prove him wrong that making people leave is the wrong decision. sighs. if only it WAS an open door policy, WHICH apparently was stated on our POLICY HANDBOOK. which part of the management is open doored? other den us being able to speak to our own supervisors? sighs.

yes, i'll be staying. i'll be staying because i don't tink the worst of him as well. he have yet to step on my tail so i'm cool about it. just disappointed that he's mis-using his power. sighs. i'm staying for the sake of the rest. and yes, i'll be staying because i like the job. i'll be staying because i want to prove him wrong. and yes, i'm staying because i want to prove to my mum that i'm able to survive working in this line and that i can achieve satisfaction from it so that she'll stop bugging me to get a full-time job in jurong island. sighs. even kevin finds it not satisfiying. and yes, i'm just hitting 20 this year. give me a break. sighs.

saw a few pair of watches i like on display outside cine. they're having the promotion till end of this month. i'm not sure if i wanna treat myself to a watch. sighs. should i?? everything's above 150 buckeroos. sighs. now that i'm working, have to consider saving liao. no more using 1K a month on rubbish that i can't even recall. sighs.

should i or should i not??

[dreamt `]
at 12:47 PM

Sunday, July 10, 2005

heys, had a bad day at work yesterday. sighs. was asked to go over to be at the bar coz ben was alone at the bar and he could not cope with all the drinks coming in. so yeah, i went in to assist him. sighs. heard lots of bad news. sighs.

is it because of me?? apparently, the supervisor- shah quit. i overheard tt it was over one incident. is it because of me?? sighs. and yes, ben's permenantly a member of fish&co now. no longer with us at simple life. ]

sighs.

suddenly, i feel weak. it seems as though i'm the cause of this. am i being too sensitive?? sheesh.
had a problem at the bar today. somehow, there was just a major miscommunication over one stupid ICED BLACK COFFEE!!! urgh!!! i can't stand it!!! and yes, because of it i was so unhappy with him!! MR WILL!! sighs. totally couldn't take it and i was just thrown at the bar feeling like a fool because of one stupid drink. i couldn't take it. yeah, i actually cried. fuck!!! thank god for lily, lex and alan for being there!! sighs. just couldn't take will's attitude just now. whatever. andy and skye just told me to forget it, since will haven't been thinking straight these few days due to the extreme lack of sleep. oh wells, he did apologize after my work. made me go to the office for a talk. sighs. i just can't talk about my problems. i'll just breakdown. and i don't wish that to happen. sighs.

gonna be doing night today. won't be doing closing but probably will stick around and get snacks ba. not sure about it. hopefully everything goes smooth today.

sighs.

how to face will later at work??

sighs.

[dreamt `]
at 12:17 PM

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

heys people!! did anyone miss me?? heh. sorry for not blogging for so long. been busy. really busy :)

anyways, i'm currently working at wheelock place. my restaurant's called TheSimpleLife. a new concept restaurant branched out from fish&co. i'm a server at TheSimpleLife and also a co-staff at fish&co as a bartender!! woohoo-

wells, i tot so too. but working at the bar is SUPER stress!! especially when i've got a fucking supervisor who doesn't even want to teach me. sighs. and yes, did i mention i'm the only chinese? not forgetting that i'm the only FEMALE bartender there. sighs.

BUT I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE UP!! I'M GONNA SHOW THAT ARSE THAT I'LL MAKE IT!! I'M NOT SOMEONE EASY FOR YOU TO SHOOT TARGETS AT!! SON-OF-A-BITCH!!

yes, i'm pissed with him. oh wells, life's not always THAT cool, right? but i'll sit on tight and continue that road. aren't gonna back off and let him have the last laugh!! i'm going to prove to him my worth and have the last LOUD laugh.

luckily for me, i've got 3 nice supervisors. thank god for them!! if not, i would have probably kicked that arse of his at the bar. wells, i don't want to make everyone upset. so i'm gonna prove my worth!!

today's my first off day. sighs. gonna drop by office later to get my pay slip. all the way at redhill. i don't even know the exact address. sighs.

knocks off-
loves!!

[dreamt `]
at 2:44 PM

Monday, June 20, 2005

i'm bored. sighs. gonna go meet jon later. sheesh, going over to get cash from him. like wth? i'm not owing him cash, its him who owes me cash. and yet, i've to fucking go all the way to meet him to get the cash. if it's not because i'll be not in spore for this weekend, i'll not even be bothered to go all the way to his work place to get the money la!! screwed my plans for the day. damn!!

gonna go down office later. melissa honey should be sleeping at the apartment now. miss her many many!! it's SK3- the last camp for this month. yeah!! we've all made it :)) cheers!!

i miss many many people!!

i miss peksy dear!! haven't seen her for ages!! although, we're like staying so near each other. must go makan together!! stingray @ chomps!! sugarcane too!! love love :))

i miss jo dear!! haven't seen since she came back from europe!! only chat online!! sighs. we're losing contact!! cannot!! i'll cry my eyes out!! heh. must go hang out :))

i miss alison girl!! haven't heard her contagious laughter and her wacky jokes. must really hang out soon!! i'm like going KL this weekend le!!

miss miss miss you all so much!!

better go pack my stiff. gotta go be a stupid loanshark!! damn!!

[dreamt `]
at 2:43 PM

Sunday, June 19, 2005

heys people!!

i'm back from IAG camp :)) yeah!!

wells, i made many new frens there and i'm so happy!! i've got a new found DARLING. her name's denise. one really sweet girl who's just 14. anyways, my group's ENTHU. really great people in my group and yes, i'm glad none of them were true STAR players. trainers were amin, gary, adam and stuart. really lucky batch, cause i heard that it was usually of having both adam and stuart in a camp. but i must say that they're a bunch of lucky kids. anyways, danny and kenneth were my P.D and A.P.D. great work!! they were really nice!! always going out the extra mile to those who havent done many things, esp the first-timers. thanks alot!! i had lots of fun and yes, its totally a different environment from m'sia. totally different atmosphere and concept. probably due to the time constraint?? anyways, i did enjoy myself. i'm proud of my team. they have changed my opinion from the first day till the last. so proud of them. waiting for wayne to send me the pictures!! yeah :))

took loads of pictures with the coaches. but sighs, NOT ALL!! *cries!!

i'm got a new "tatoo". all thanks to amin. stupid idiot, he signed on my hand!! with permanent black ink. though, i feel cool having a "tatoo" but it's so weird!! heh. never got to take a picture with him, and ben!! his accomplice!! oh wells, time was spent great. yeah :))

melissa honey's at sk now with lydia darling :)) will probably drop by tomorrow or tues. high possibility tmr. that's IF wills don't call me. heh. he called me from home just now. telling me that he hasn't got the work schedule up yet. oh wells, i'm free and easy with that :)) and he sounded quite upset when one person left already. was telling me umpteen times that he don't want me to leave as well. heh. cute fella :)) everytime i see him, i laugh. yeah, and he doesn't sit at our table when we do role play coz he doesn't want me to laugh. NICE :))

sighs. i miss everyone so suddenly :))
loves!!

[dreamt `]
at 11:51 PM

Monday, June 13, 2005

wells, this is THE last post. yes, i'm bored. am already used to having trainings @ night.

sighs. am having my iag briefing with danny and kenneth tmr. and lucky people @ my work place get to party the night away. they're having a party tmr @ gotham's penthouse (i tink its spelt this way). 11-2 am, free drinks and free food included. free doorgifts and free entrance. it's basically free all night. but, i'll be @ the briefing!! oh wells, let's be COOL abt it. i need to be sober @ camp. yeah, tt's right. let's not do anything silly.

talked to beng soon online. sighs. i miss them a whole lot. can't wait to go up to KL. heh.

gonna go now. don't miss me.
loves!!

[dreamt `]
at 11:54 PM

this will probably be my last post till i come back from camp. i've got another iag camp scheduled on the 15-18th. will probably be back on sunday?? so people, do remember to miss me yeah?? heh.

anyways, trip up to KL's probably confirmed. only problem is that we haven't found a place to stay. yeah, sucks!! and i'm still not able to contact my dear webster. sighs. it'll be really difficult to find a place if i can't contact him anytime soon. sighs. hopefully, he'll top up his credits soon.

anyways, i'm so broke!!

pay's not in yet. sighs. when will it be in my acc???

sighs. oh wells, i'm gonna buzz off now.
bored of the computer.
somehow.

probably be back to chat @ night.

[dreamt `]
at 5:08 PM

Sunday, June 12, 2005

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JIWEN!!

i'm so happy for you!! i LOVE birthdays :)) thou you feel old?? but spending it with your loved ones really makes a difference in my life. sighs. haven't had a good birthday with my family members. perhaps, i should start this year. yeah!!

anyways, i hope this fine lady Jiwen will be able to stay pretty and be happy always. that's the most important thing!! be happy :))

i'm so gonna give you a big hug when i reach KL!!
loves :))

[dreamt `]
at 12:09 AM

Friday, June 10, 2005

many happenings around my friends have stopped me in my tracks to ponder. problems with family, friends and relationships. are these just superficial problems??

somehow, it seems like everyone's attacked with these problems probably everyday in their life. my life's attacked by these problems too. wells, it seems as though no one can hide from these problems. but does anyone ever question why these problems exist??

well, i do. i'm very sure many people out there are in search of an answer as well. but perhaps, no one ever found the right answer. simply because, there isn't.

family members were supposed to share the same values same principles. the exact same values and principles that were passed down. if we were to share from the same bowl, why are there still cracks in between?? why are there still bad blood?? is there a need for cold war, violence to be shown OR showered upon the kids?? is that a healthy bringing up?? i question all the parents. but i doubt they ever have an answer for that. parents complain that kids do not stay with them, are not willing to share with them, are not willing to listen to them, etc. but i question the parents- don't you both behave the same way too? isn't that the behaviour you both display for your kids?? don't doubt your children. children learn and follow the ways of parents, be it physically or emotionally. haven't anyone ever thought if they've mentally scarred their kids?? i don't deny the fact that my family's a mess as well. but i guess, everyone's life is a total mess as well. so there's nothing more to share about.

relationships were meant for 2 people. 2 people who are truly in love with one another. it has to be a mutual feeling. there has to be communication, honesty and trust. there may be much more than these 3 simple words. but these words to me, are the most important and the most basic element to make a relationship happen. i've got many friends who got shattered after a relationship, but they still choose to love and care for that ex of theirs. why is that so? perhaps, she just loves him too much. or perhaps, he never saw her strong points? many people out there are searching for that soulmate. how many of us have actually neglected the many people who loves us dearly to look for someone who probably don't even exist? wells, i would admit i had. but it'll only take that person to leave to actually realise that you've lost a chance. or rather, you let the chance slip away from your own fingers. is hatred in your eyes when you see ur ex with a new girl/boy? does it burn so badly that you just had to turn away so that neither one saw the tears falling?? does it hurt so badly that you yearn for ur ex to come back to your heart once again? does it tear ur heart when you see ur ex in the arms of someone new? yes, i understand. you feel lonely all day through. the first thing in the morning, you wished to have him/her in ur arms; the last thing before you sleep, you wish to kiss him/her at their forehead and cuddle to sleep. the warmth just feels your whole heart, mind and body. but everything's all lost now. are you still going to wait for him/her to return? or are you going to get back up and show ur ex that you can live as well or much better without him/her? yes, it hurts. its pains alot. but the experience enriches you adn makes you a stronger person. live it through!! i've gone through hell and i know what it is like to be loved, cheated and yet still love the person. all you need is to let go of the guilt you hold, and start to love urself. let time heal the pain and hurt in ur heart.

i guess, God wants all of us to endure these pain to become a stronger person. i now believe that He never intends to hurt us in any ways. He's just putting obstacles in our lives to make it enriched with experiences. yes, it may hurt alot. but think about it this way, with these obstacles that stand in your way- you become a stronger person, a stronger one with the burning fighting spirit to keep it all going. if He never put obstacles in our lives, we'll probably be hiding in our shells and not even fight for ourselves.

when everything seems to be unfair,
when all that you do isn't appreciated,
i'll take your hand, wipe away your tears,
take you for a walk and tell you everything will be fine.

we can never understand-
joy till we feel sorrow,
faith till we're tested,
peace till we're faced with conflicts,
trust till we're betrayed,
and love till it's gone.

the past is meant to be used as a tool for the future.
bad experiences indeed make you bitter,
but the lessons learnt make you better.

love isn't found by loving a perfect person,
but loving an imperfect person perfectly.

[dreamt `]
at 2:08 PM

Thursday, June 09, 2005

heys!! anyone miss me?? please say yes!! heh.

anyways, i've been having trainings for the past few nights. nopes, not coach training! but, my another newly hired job!! i'm newly hired @ a new restaurant called the SIMPLE life. wells, this restaurant is going to be opened @ wheelock place on the 1st of july. so have been going for training these few days. not too bad, i must say. alot of role plays! i'm really excited with role plays now!! perhaps, we have had alot of role plays @ coach trainings. all thanks to gerald and gary. stupid and silly roles to play!! i can still remember i was supposed to be acting as "mummy's boy!!". was really full of crap. heh. but those were the days!!

to my darling peksy :))

i love YOU!! i'll support you no matter what!! if you really needa shoulder to lean on, i'll lend you mine. for you to lean and for you to cry on. i'll catch you tears no matter what!! stay strong!!

anyways, have had a heartfelt chat online with my dear :))

this is out for him:

heys, nothing can make you fall. as long as you believe and trust in urself, you are able to survive!! don't hurt urself inside. if it does make you feel better, let it out. crying doesn't make you a wimp. it makes you more human and more in touch with ur own feelings. if you're going to keep it everything in ur heart, it really doesn't make you feel better. take ur time to be in touch with urself. trust in God and He'll take care of the rest :))

On letting go: it hurts to see someone you love happy with somebody else; but wouldn't it hurt you more to see that person unhappy...with you??

don't worry about anything. told you abt my feelings as well. so we're all equal. we're equal beings! don't think too much about it. i'll be here to support you!! takkaire of urself :))

[dreamt `]
at 4:55 PM

Sunday, June 05, 2005

hi people, this is going to be an EXTREMELY long post. so please bear with it :))

left for m'sia on the 31st of may. was really happy when i found out that there were people i knew going for the same camp as me. my room mate was lydia and melissa (my honey!). after de-briefing, we left for m'sia on a small coach. was a really long trip and oh-so-'exciting' trip. we were left alone @ the s'pore custom for nearly 1/2 hour, couldn't find the driver. he was finally found slacking @ the guards room chatting. that was such a good start! anyways, when we reached m'sia customs, things happened again! we were made to pay tax for the AKLTG tees. like what the hell?? anyways, kalai and pete handled it and we had to pay like 150 ringgit?? it was totally rubbish!! what a good way to start our journey. nevermind about that. we left the customs and headed for our hotel- Allan Kalson Resort @ Sermemban. it was apparently supposed to be just 4 hours. but that stupid driver, lost his way!! we went on a journey around the stupid highway like it was endless. oh wells, we finally reached the resort like 2 hours late!! it was already 8 when we reached the hotel. all of us were starving!! had dinner @ their restaurant, i would say it's good. had steak and stuff. nice! met the assistant coaches there as well. anyhow, we packed and prepared for the first day before sleeping @ probably near 1??

anyways, first day came to be quite smooth. i had a problem child in my group- kyota. he's half jap, apparently his mum's worried for him. cause he's got a habit of running away from home. sighs. kids nowadays. anyways, i didn't have an assistant coach to myself. my group was group 11- detrox (named by gerald). yeah, had alot of fun with my rest of the kids and coaches.

i was pretty close with the assistant coaches. had alot of fun with them. until i FELL SICK!! damn-

i had a bad headache on the second day of camp and it lasted all the way till today. it was headache for the whole 3 days, plus i was throwing up everything i ate. until, there was totally nothing in my stomach. i had no appetite for everything, cause i kept throwing up. yeah, i was feeling damn weak!! and it sucked big time!! cause i couldn't join them practically everything. but everyone was really nice!! they gave me warm water, helped me in everything and was really nice to keep me warm. i was feeling cold everyday, even under the hot sun. sighs.

abit of really sweet happenings!! all from the cute guys. but they're wee bit young. heh.

the first person who was really sweet was this fella- aaron. all the while i thought he was my age, until the last day. anyways, what did he do?? wells, i had panadol actifast but it apparently didn't work. was still throwing up and the headache didn't go as well. this fella who sleeps in the room across mine actually left me alone @ the outside of the seminar room, ran up his room to pass me some medicine he have. he gave me this panadol soluble that i never seen my whole life, filled my bottle up for me, diluted the pill and made me drink it. den he smile smile and say that it's good for me. when the overall coach-in-charge made me go back to my room and sleep, this boy even came to ring @ my door to make sure i wake up. sweet right?? den know that i like choco, he'll steal the choco display and bring it back for us to share. sweeett!!

another person is this fella- beng soon. he's really mature for his age. just one year younger den me. wells, this fella stays the same room as aaron. always there to look out for me. always making sure that i'm alright. will get me warm water, and when i'm not feeling really well, will do many silly things to cheer me up. he'll also give me a hand @ my group as well.

last person is this fella- webster. wells, this guy is the only one who's my age. and i'm really impressed by his name! webster. nice aye?? anyways, this guy have been looking out practically 24 hours a day. he stays next door. so he'll ring and come in to our room in the morning, and first thing is ask if i'm alright. he's always looking out for me and making sure i feel warm. making sure i don't faint and make sure that i'm @ his sight everytime after i throw up. cause he's afraid i'll faint. he's always making sure i eat something, although i have no appetite, he makes sure i eat my fruits. he's the only person who can make me eat fruits- willingly. heh. anyways, he's always ready to take food for me and if i can't take it down anymore, like when i'm going to throw up or something, he'll gladly take the food for me. so nice of him. always making sure i'm with someone. don't allow me be alone. yeah, a really nice guy. and he's the second person i've ever knocked out on the shoulder. and he just quitely sat there till i woke up. sighs.

one guy was really poor thing. kena bullied everytime, but he's also really sweet to me. he's name is bryan. he's my alleged boyfriend. heh. he woke up one day with back pain. apparently, he slept the wrong side and had a strain. so aaron and i put hot towel on his back and rubbed for him. yeah, he was topless. and he's good friends all took videos of the 2 of us. damn funny la. yeah, but he's also very sweet. making sure i was alright during outdoors. he was also there to make sure i was healthy to go outdoors. heh.

sweet aye?? but guess what, all of them are attached. or rather, probably attached. heh. they'll be nice boyfriends aye??

sighs. compare them to s'pore guys. geesh.

anyways, i'm going to work really hard and earn cash!! i wanna go up m'sia and ask them to be tour guides. and when it's their holidays, i'm going to get them over to s'pore. it'll be their virgin trip to s'pore. so must play good host!! probably @ sentosa?? probably some hotel in orchard??

anyways, i've had a great experience out @ m'sia. something i'm sure i'll never be able to experience in s'pore.

oh wells, i'm going to laze around more.
loves!!

me and my cute players, love them all :))

web and mii :))

aaron and mii :))

me and my STAR players :))

love them lots!! *smucks-
miss you guys a whole LOT!!

[dreamt `]
at 11:01 PM

Monday, May 30, 2005

hey people, please remember to miss me!!! be leaving for m'sia @ 1pm tmr. i'm going to seremban for camp. will be staying @ Allson Klana Resort, which apparently has seaview. but sadly, i'm having the country view- which is good enuff. heh. but i dun have anyone i know @ m'sia camp sia. other den danny, gary, gerald.
sighs. anyhow, i'll be back on the 5th. one whole week. am i excited?? not really. sighs.

jemie: heys, glad to hear from you. anyways, thanks for asking me to go for ur church camp. although, i really wish to go, i've already committed myself over @ another camp. wells, it's not only the unwilling heart that doesn't have the longing, the unwilling mind and body too. the longing towards church have long faded. everything i have had in church have faded along with the long lingering period. going to church even for mass has lost its simplest meaning. even if i do, i spend most of the time not understanding what's going around me. just like the last mass i attended, on the 1st of may. i went to church not even knowing that our parish priest have been replaced, for at least a month. do you see the awkwardness created due to the lack of belonging?? friends have asked me to go for the mission trip. but i've declined it. not because i'm not interested but am i going there for friends or because of God?? i've asked myself, and i can't even find the answer to that. it's that bad. finding myself from where i used to be, has apparently lost its meaning. sighs. i'll try to mediatate- if i can. you're right, if i can worry so much, mediatating shouldn't be a problem. and yes, i'll read the book you passed me. i will. i promise.

sighs. better go now. or else, i'll be a zombie tmr.

nights. and loves!!

[dreamt `]
at 11:13 PM

i'm not sure if God received my message last night. perhaps. wells, i'm not sure if i should be happy. perhaps, i should.

wells, received a call from rossana that i'll have to do one more camp- IAG3. s'pore camp from 15-18th june. hmmm, good news?? oh wells, having my job interview tmr before going over m'sia. sighs. it's a sales/marketing engineer position. i know nuts about it. sighs. and yes, someone else called me. apparently, it's the part-time waitress i went for weeks ago. i'm invited for the orientation on the 6th. sighs. expected to work 3/4 days a week. and if i've got anything on, i'm allowed to take leave. which leaves me to do camps, on and off. does it sound good?? but why am i feeling in a dilemma??

hmmm, i've yet to receive my pay. hopefully, i'm able to reach at least 1000 in my bank by end of june/july. sighs. mummy already knows my back account's REALLY low. sighs. i guess, i shouldn't have spent 300 bucks on her necklace for mother's day. but yet again, she deserves it. oh wells, i've got to work my butt off now!! xinying just told me of another promotor job. only work fri-sunday. sighs. another opportunity!! but sighs. too many options sometimes sucks. am i being CONTRADICTING??? i think i am. sighs. hopefully, i'm able to get a job soon.

overwhelming feelings overcoming me. sighs.

sometimes, missing someone sucks. big time. if only, he ever knew.

when you tink of him, you feel like floating off. perhaps, to lala land. sighs. if only, things were as simple as ABC. if only things were as easy as 123. yes, if only.

missing someone's really tiring. but why do people still take that very plunge and yet, not regret?? perhaps, it's the adrenaline rush when we see that special someone. perhaps, it's the way he moves and looks @ you. or perhaps, its when that innocent physical contact you had with him. sighs. simple things can make us go head over heels for that special someone.

are we just being naive??

i beg to differ.

doesn't anyone have that adrenaline rush when you see that special one?? everyone and anyone does. and when we do, we hope secretly and wish with all our might, that he notice you. even if he doesn't, we find silly reasons for him. i guess we're all hopelessly in love. yes, in the river of love.

i hope everyone will be able to find their true love.

[dreamt `]
at 5:18 PM

Sunday, May 29, 2005

tired tired tired.

just got back from camp. sch's bukit timah primary. wells, i would say that they're pretty the same as my EM1 kids over @ keming. it wasn't that bad afterall. just that, i'm a newbie :))

stayed @ labrador centre. nice environment. but it's quite rundown. sighs, reminds me of the old sjc. how i miss that old school of mine. heh :)) pretty fun with the kids thou.

they had abseiling on the first day. couldn't attempt it due to the time constraint. but was pretty cool looking @ my kids kick themselves down the wall. they wanted to do the flying fox but sadly, it was closed. had rock-climbing next. no chance to do as well. sighs. did pretty much alot of stuff on the second day. had knots and lashing, backwoodsman cooking- taught by jemie, since i know nuts about it.

sighs. after this camp- somehow my life seems REALLY boring. damn. will i ever have a chance to learn?? i wonder when.

be going off to m'sia on tues. better let lynn and gang know i can't make it. have to postpone it probably to tmr. sighs. have a briefing with all the coaches @ 1230 before leaving for seremban @ 1. sighs. where the hell is this place, don't ask me. i'm probably going to sleep through the journey. since i have an job interview @ 10. adam khoo's program- i am gifted, so are you. sighs. tired tired tired.

ahhhh!!!

should i go for the job interview?? sighs. if i do get the job, i won't be lazing around wasting my time and everyone's time. but if i do, if there are camps again- i probably can't do them or rather, if there are courses which i can have my virgin tryouts- how can i miss out!!!!

urgh!!!! how??? someone advice me!!!!

sighs. sometimes, i wonder if God ever notices me. yeah, everyone says that He's also watching over us. but i rather not believe. consider myself. i'm a big slacker, probably a big bum who's totally lost touch with spiritual life. what's the point in having Him with me when i probably don't feel it or acknowledge it?? sighs. i guess i'm really a waste in this community. sighs. being a lousy catholic sucks. yes, i'm not making the effort. but, nothing's paid off even if i do. oh sighs. my thinking is oh-so-WRONG!! but somehow, i feel the least belonging in church. imagine going to church and having to answer to everyone's question on ur disappearance and why the re-appearance, looking @ you with eyes carrying suspicion tt you really don't fit. sighs. it's a hypocritical world. but i have to live with it. some friends ask me to probably be a christian, since i don't REALLY fit in the world of catholics. sighs. i doubt i will. everything revolves around the word- religion. sighs.

i don't fit in.

i guess i need a rabbi's help. or probably a tutor to teach me the thinkings again.

sighs.

i need to read again. pick up that dusty bible and read. sighs.

where do i even start?? oh wells...

this sucks. big time.

[dreamt `]
at 9:27 PM

Friday, May 20, 2005

haven't been blogging for ages. sighs. i'm still jobless. this isn't a good sign aye? oh wells, i'm supposed to enjoy it while it last. sighs. but somehow, it's so boring!! on the other hand, if i have a job- i'll be crying for a break? sighs. life is full of unexpected happenings.

had fun for the past 3 days. had coach training!! i kinda liked coaching now :)) especially when i'm interacting with the kids. yeah. had my second coach training with many new faces- and yes, i have isabelle there too!! shocking aye? wells, kasturri came as well. adalene and i was whizzing through quite easily cause it was our second afterall. i did better for this test!! but i'm not really happy with it. so i wanna take another. heh. next week. one more training next week. yup yups. enjoying x)

oh yes, i'll be doing superkids camp. 1-5 june :)) lalala-

i'm pretty excited about it. heh. hopefully, i have humans in my group. sighs.

haven't seen dear for quite a while. hopefully, we'll be chilling out on sunday aye?

loves loves :))

[dreamt `]
at 4:50 PM

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

not feeling well. having bad flu and cough now. had marina steamboat last night with my guys- jon, jesse, alan, wilmer, xinying, anna, regina, and myself :))

was fun!! had dinner at zheng fa live prawns :)) *yummylicious-

sat with my guys and had fun. crapped alot and basically just slacked. jon's good at making soup. heh. sweet and tonic soup. was teasing him that he can make a good boyfren. heh. basically, it was good last night. i had lots of prawns- which caused me to have slight rashes last night. oh wells, it's the fun that mattered :))

before meeting regina for marina, was chatting online with kguy. asked me to check out junction 8's haagen daz outlet. so i went. stupid assistant manager! made me wait for 40 mins for the stupid interview, and when i was already pissed off, she telles me that she'll call me. like what tha fuckin hell?

oh wells, that's that. jon's trying to fix a date with his manager to make an appointment for us to go down for an interview. anderson's ice cream :))

sighs. meeting dear to chill on friday night. where to go sia? garden's boring me quite abit. but heyys, having you babes with me is enuff :)) cheerios-

loves!! gonna slack around more.

[dreamt `]
at 5:52 PM

Thursday, May 05, 2005

results have been released. trust me! waiting for the final verdict wasn't nice. *pouts* i had a nervous breakdown while waiting. it was so-not-exciting! while waiting for my results, i was playing game with dear. luckily, she was with me :)) if not, i wouldn't have had a good night sleep. sighs.

wells, i passed all. *phew-

i have 2B, 2C and 2C+. that was really great news for me. cause i screwed up 2 papers during the exam and i had a F for one paper. but i passed all- yes!!

wells, now that i've received my final verdict. it's also time to say goodbye. not so soon yet, but soon. after the graduation tea party and the graduation-plus-dinner and dance, den it'll be all time to say goodbye.

oh wells, to think of it. time really flies!

i could still remember my dearest teacher, ms low choosing my courses. yes, i didn't choose one! it was all chose by her :)) *grins*

i could remember our orientation. wells, all the silly games we were made to play. our 2 OGL- felicia and jinxian. i miss them! i remember us with that stupid flag. and the stupid amazing race in school. sighs. that was when we really ran, and really sweat it out- not forgetting making frens den. my first fren? anna chong! i can still remember myself calling her smart for taking 10 subjects in malaysia and scoring distinctions for all. woah!! yeah, den that was where the circle of life started. my group of frens started to form.

we have regina('mummy'), m0usee('da jie'), sylvia('er jie'), anna('san jie'), myself('xiao mei') and wilmer('maid'). this group was called- ohana. yes, if you guys watched lilo and stitch, you will know what ohana means.

wells, things changed too fast. perhaps, we were too slow to react- and yes, i agree with regina. ohana never was forever. but we're still frens. i hope?

oh wells, in this 3 years- i've gone up and down with my many frens! all my frens have made life memorable :))
thanks people!!

oh wells, i'm so bored. and i'm a naughty girl. today's acension. and i'm on my computer. sighs. i should be hanged!

stomach's growling. i'm off for dinner.

loves!!

[dreamt `]
at 8:22 PM

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

if someone loves you, love them back-
not only because they love you;
but because they are teaching you-
to love and opening your heart and eyes to things;
you haven't ever seen or felt without them.

sighs.

i need a job!! or anyone out there willing to adopt a poor child??

sighs. i really need to work. there's no income!! and my stupid pay is not coming in yet!!!

wells, had a whole day out on sunday. and yes, please gimme a little pat on my shoulder!! cause i went for mass. oh wells, it was dead boring!! i nearly fell asleep. if not for my dear on my right and marie on my left, i swear i would be picked out for knocking off at mass. oh yes, i don't like that so-called new parish priest "father joseph". he's un-appetizing! why can't we have someone like "father luke"?? sighs. mass is getting oh-so-boring. but it was great seeing my dear little sarah!! not forgetting her mummy, my teacher- mrs poi! i miss the whole family a whole lot. and yes, i've been warned for not coming for church. mrs poi wants to dump me back at cathecism class!! oohh, how yucky that would be!! considering the fact, people whose name i wouldn't like to name are teaching. how wonderful!!

alright. i'll stop criticising about church. oh wells, somehow it just cuts- alot.

anyhow, after church- we (myself, dear and alison) headed down to plaza singapura for lunch. had our sumptuous meal at thai express! *yummiilicous :)) had a great deal of gossips exchanged. nice nice!! walked around boring plaza and headed over to suntec for dessert- marche!! yes, we were that hungry :)) anyhow, we sat there and chatted till like 6?? it was really fun having pictures taken and just gossipping. yes, we were narcissistic people. taking pictures of ourselves like it was the end of the world. but heyys, we enjoyed it!! after 6, took the train over to the airport. oh wells, the feeling's coming back. jo dear went overseas- backpacking in europe!! rich girl :)) we took a couple of pictures at the airport. oh sighs, i miss her alot!! she'll only return after a month. yes, i'm counting down!! i can't wait for us to get together when she's back :))

sighs. suddenly everything's moving so slowly.

firstly, i'm not schooling.

secondly, i'm not working.

thirdly, i'm not slacking.

this really sucks. oh wells, anyone out there who knows of any job lobangs??

oh yes, i have a problem currently. there's an idiot who's harassing me now. calling me on the fcuking phone endlessly and messaging me like a leaking tap!! i'm so pissed off!! i feel like screwing his work permit here by complaining straight to his stupid company!! urgh!!! anyone knows what to do??

sighs. i miss them. people at keming :))

i wanna go swimming again!! sun-tanning :))

loves!!

[dreamt `]
at 7:58 PM

Friday, April 29, 2005

been online these few days. and had just adopted a god-brother. yonglin. cute little fella :))

wells, just received news from alison. doesn't sound good. oh wells, she's a strong girl. she'll live through it!! don't worry darling :)) you have us!!

hmmm, i'm starting to miss my darling jo!!!!

lucky girl who's going overseas ON HER OWN!! lucky girl!! but she earn all of it!!

i'm so going to miss her!!

[dreamt `]
at 11:31 PM

Thursday, April 28, 2005

today was my last day at keming primary. wells, i'll be missing the school quite a bit. considering that i've done 2 batches there. the EM1 batch and the last end of EM2 students. the big difference between the students are really obvious. but heyys, not just the best get to succeed.

it has been a great 3 days i had with this kids. probably due to the rapport built up. or rather- due to the influence of mentos power! heh. oh wells, i pretty miss them now. though, we just parted like 4 hours ago? don't ask me why, but i'm closer to the guys and it includes all the malay boys. they're really cute and yes- they give me the respect when i demand of it. so yeah, they get to do pretty alot of stuff- cause they respect me. on the other hand, the rest of the coaches couldn't stand them. perhaps, i was much worse than them. maybe that's why i can connect much faster. plus, i'm a big slacker myself. so to connect slackers, use their lingo!! heh.

oh yes, i've nicknamed my little boy Ariffin "xiao fen". heh. now he "hates" me. cause everyone's calling him that now. and he's so embarrassed. but when i call him that, he just whine a wee bit and continue talking to me. heh. big influence aye? heh. i think that's cause he's the closer malay boy i hang out with. another is Khairul- the cutest malay boy, who fortunately is in my group. so there's interactions as well. yupz, these 2 boys do leave impact. another is Azroy- who looks japanese but is a malay. apparently, i was his and Ariffin's "target" to shoot down during this 3 days. but instead, they got shot by me. heh. the other guy i'm closer to is a china boy name Fei Peng. he's like 15 but in p6. so imagine him big size, he's bigger than me. so it's pretty my incentive so stay beside him, cause i feel smaller size. heh. oh crap!!

bored bored bored!! there is no camp le. probably none is may. sighs. better look for another part-time job le. must earn cash le. have spent over-budget!! plus, alot of stuff i've paid- i'm not getting a reimburse. sighs.

work work work!! i need cash!! gotta look for job le.

someone tagged me. i'm thinking of someone, but i'm not sure. sighs. am i really not gonna care? am i really not gonna bother? sighs.

its hard for me to not bother. its also hard not to care.

i wouldn't leave my fren, unless he/she did something that hurts me. but i guess, you didn't.

disappointment has long settled in. perhaps, its just the silence that needs to be broken.

sighs.

[dreamt `]
at 12:16 AM

Monday, April 25, 2005

heys, had keming today. batch- EM2 ah beng/lians P6 students.

was a pretty good day, just that they're not as attentive as the last batch. but heys!! who's to judge them? i was a tyrant in p6 as well. so, it's not too bad. cause they're walking the path i used to walk. but looking at them, they don't seem that bad. but there's a saying: don't judge a book by its cover. oh wells, hope everything's fine for the rest of the 2 days.

oh wells, there's a couple of cute fellas. one guy's Arrifin. kena disturbed by his frens today. heh. but he's cute. yupz, and i had a hard time finding out whether he's chinese or malay. and yes, till now- no clue. but i'll find out again tmr. heh.

having lots of setbacks in my life now. especially with someone. sighs. perhaps, i shouldn't have had expectations. yes, the higher the expectation, the deeper you fall. i guess this was what happened. and perhaps, shouldn't have happened. but i guess, its difficult to mend back the broken pieces.

sighs. i do miss those times.

i dunno what to say. or rather, don't wish to rake up the past. it's exactly 3 weeks (21 days) since we talked. sighs.

i guess i shouldn't have placed so much hope. i guess i'm in fault. perhaps, an apology now- is too late. will it even be accepted?

i doubt so.

[dreamt `]
at 11:49 PM

Sunday, April 24, 2005

heys, haven't been online for ages!! i'm back- like finally!!

oh wells, this has been a killer week for me. wells, had my first school coaching at keming primary school. p6- EM1 kids. my group was called- risk takers. a bunch of little fellas. i felt so old there. but wells, it was fun. be going back to keming this week again. another batch of students.

had my class chalet and dear's chalet too!!

stayed over with dinosaur, yuanda, alan, jon and wilmer on their 3rd day. marinated the chicken wings at night and played abit of play station before knocking out. luckily had dinosaur and jon sleeping in the same room. spooky bungalow- all thanks to wilmer. was bbq the next day. stayed over in the end. gambled (10-20cents) of blackjack the whole night. didn't get to sleep a wink. went over to dear's chalet on sat morning. slept a bit and went for pedicure session. not too bad. went back to sleep and went swimming for awhile before heading back for dinner. had a lot of fun with dear.

i have loads of mosquito bites on my whole body!!! pain pain. scratched till the skin started to peel. pain pain!!! why keep biting me!!!

had a great time at bbq night with the girls. it has been ages since we had girls' night. i pretty enjoyed it. oh wells, hopefully we'll still have time to catch up.

bought something for my mum for mother's day. yes, it's early. bought it at citigems. now i'm broke broke broke!! need to work like cow le. *moo!! the girls all like it. hopefully my mum likes it. now i'm officially a citigems member. heh. got their vip card le. heh. plus my uob visa mini's coming next week. oh gosh, i've really got to save. or else, i'll literally got to go out begging. heh. save save save!!!

sighs. i miss someone.
pretty much.

if only.

i could turn back time.

how foolish of me. yes, how foolish.

sighs.

[dreamt `]
at 11:22 PM

Sunday, April 17, 2005

heyys, its been ages since i visited. oh wells, its been busy meeting up with darlings for dinner and shoppings. oh wells, its been non-stop ever since i 'graduated' from school.

wells, went swimming and had a wee bit of tanning. swam 20 laps. hmmm, not too bad. gotta push myself for more- deadline's the end of this month. hmmm, should be no problem. just got to find the time for swimming. yupz. badminton on friday. hmmm, not too bad. didn't go for gym in the end. played from 10 plus till near 2. haven't played for ages!! my body ached like hell after the game. heh. but was cool.

be going to keming primary school tomorrow for coaching. hmmm, not too bad la. just that i've got no idea where it exactly is. the address given is beside ite bukit batok la. hmmm, better contact yanting to confirm. hmmm, going to be my first school coaching. hope everything's going to be cool.

sigh. be looking for job next month. cause only have 2 schools at the end of the month. perhaps, look for part-time first. hmmm, hope everything comes smooth aye?

hmmm, listening to wang lee hom's 'forever love'. regina, i download le. so no need send me le. heh. nice nice!!

class chalet next week. yes, 7 days!! woohoo-

but i'm busy busy. sobz. oh wells, but i'm going to be a nice person by volunteering to bring in the food. and perhaps, the alcoholic drinks ba. hahax. agree with wilmer not to get too much alcohol. get more beer, cause they won't like it. let's have carlsberg chicken!! its nice nice!! but like expensive to marinate hor?! wells, if my mum marinate she use xo sia. haha. lucky me, my mum's busy busy too. like mother like daughter. oh wells, gotta sort out the loose knots with the committee.

i'm busy enough on the dinner and dance. hmmm, i'm still considering if i wanna go for the dinner and dance le. i gotta do soOoOoO many things la. why am i even involved sia? now have to run the committee for our cohort's dinner and dance. sigh. busy busy.

hmmm, for a happy note. dear's birthday's going to be this weekend too :))

am bugging her to get her ear pierced. but she wouldn't!! sigh. i so wanted to get a nice pair of earrings for her. sigh. oh wells, let's wait and see ba. she's getting old le!! heh. be going to see my dearest jo-ann too!! not forgetting, my little piggy. oh wells, i'm going to be really busy- shuttling from one chalet to another. oh wells, what to do? i'm popular!! haha. just kidding.

okie, gonna slack around more. before i head out for dinner.

yes, ms busy has a date.
smuckeroos :))

[dreamt `]
at 3:48 PM

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

sigh. i'm soOoOo not used to being out of school. heh. oh wells, i've got to start loving it. cause when its time for me to start working, it'll be bye-bye to slack time.

anyways, went back to nyp to swim today. sun's good :)) had a good tan. nice nice!! swam from 1130 to 1230. yupz, had a nice tan. i'm going to continue going swimming. must lose weight wor!! fat fat le. sobz-

going with regina and gang over to the gym of friday. and hopefully, can have a game of badminton too :)) haven't really had a real game for ages. the last intensive game i had was prolly in sec 2/3. oh wells, anna said i was lying. probably? but the last not-so-intensive game was the inter-school badminton tournament, in which we came in fourth. i miss intensive games. sigh. i'm crossing my fingers on the game of badminton. carmen still owes me one. sigh. i doubt i can even play well now, considering the amount of lard put on. oh wells, its pretty time to shake it off.

am i a female-casanova? heh. perhaps perhaps.

there's currently 2 persons in my mind. the first person has been there for quite a long time, but its an on-off thingy. just recently, there has been another guy who's caught my eye. heh. he's much older den me. and yes, it's like a small girl's crush. heh. he should be 5 years older den me. woah?! apparently, this is the first person i've ever crushed on who is so much older. sheesh :)) but he's really cute. knew him only for 2 days. but we didn't actually converse personally or directly. he's looks american but is actually a malay. wells, it all happened when he was teaching us during training. because there was only 9 of us for training, so i sat in the middle of everyone. he stands in the front of the class and usually leans on the stand which is right in front of me. and he always looks at people in the eye and talk, which he does very often. and because i'm directly in his view, i'm always looking into his eyes. heh. it sounds really kinky aye? but he's quite a drag as well. we call him "jim carrey" and he always acts "hurt" which make us laugh even more. but sigh, he's just one cute guy. heh. just an infatuation. about the other guy? wells, it's currently an off thing. sigh. somehow, i'm not even sure why things turn out this way. sad? maybe. disappointed is the right word to use. is it because i hold high hopes on him? i think highly of him? perhaps. but i guess, disappointment's what i can say of him now. to put it off simply, imagine a little kid who drops his ice-cream while eating. he'll cry or probably look at the adults with a pout and tears welling up in his eyes. wells, perhaps that's how i feel. just minus the tears in my eyes.

i'm feeling empty within. it feels hollow enough to shatter if it falls. but if i were to shatter, will there be anyone out there who would pick the pieces back? sigh.

why the sudden emotions? wells, just think about it. i'm currently out of school and officially entering the working world. just imagine the amount of politics you have to shield yourself away from. sigh. somehow, i miss all the days in school. dating from sjc to nyp. me- a deliquent in sjc. now grown to someone so different that the teachers are proud of. and in nyp- running as a leader and given responsibilities which i never got to experienced back in sjc. its all new experiences which one has to go through. wells, i've gone through through the punishment to achievements, and suddenly i don't wish to stop at where i am now. i wish to go on and push forward for more. i miss all my teachers in sjc, my lecturers in nyp. can i not grow anymore?

i miss my old self.
somehow, the scars never leave. the memories never forgotten.
my first tear for a girl. my first tear for a guy.
i miss everything.
all the memories will not be forgotten.
they'll be all kept in the deepest part of my heart.

loves!

[dreamt `]
at 10:21 PM

Monday, April 11, 2005

i'm officially a free bird le!! *finally*

anyways, had my last paper today. petrochemical process. screwed up! *urgh-

whatever!! everything's over.

oh yes, i'm currently working at adam's. adam khoo learning technologies group (AKLTG) as a coach. yupz, great people there. yupz, yummy people too! heh. i love this 2 darlings there, georgia and kim. really cute people and yes, let's not forget the guys there too. oh wells, enuff of rubbish from me.

it's gonna be a "i'm-going-to-grow-fat" week. oh gosh, i'm supposed to lose weight. sigh. dinner plans on every alternate night. indian dinner with regina on wed, japanese dinner with sylvia on fri, homecooked dinner with zheng wen on sat. there! it's enuff to make me grow fat!! no no no. den next week's a week long class chalet plus dear's chalet plus dinner with chris. oh man. i'm growing fat and my wallet's growing thin. it's badly malnourished. sigh. when's income going to start lining my wallet??

oh wells, gonna go swimming tmr. tan!! better have a good sun!!! oh else...

alright, gonna slack around now.

[dreamt `]
at 10:57 PM

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

popping by for a little while before my bro uses the computer. oh wells, been watching this hongkong drama serial every night. nice show.

wells, it's somewhat like a love triangle. introducing the police officer (lihua), valet captain (tianqiang) and a professional bodyguard (tianhua).

lihua likes tianqiang (her first love)- who happens to be her neighbour, but the two of them never stops bickering at each other. wells, here comes tianhua- a bodyguard who had a chance to work along with lihua for one assignment. after that assignment, they become good friends but tianhua starts to develop feelings for her. one day, tianqiang got attached- to none other den lihua's supervisor. so yeah, one happy couple. but lihua was very upset and coincidentally tianhua called her for a drink. she got herself drunk by finishing bottles of red wine. and to cool herself off, she went to swim in the pool at his condo. den when tianhua asked her what's wrong. she started crying and said that she's out of love, blah blah blah. tianhua suddenly turned to her and told her that she still had him. so sweet right? but that silly lihua, who never fell in love and never had anyone falling for her- was shocked and ran off. lihua also went all out just to make tianqiang happy, and tianhua knows of it. he asked her this, "you're doing everything just to make tianqiang happy. den what about you? who will give you happiness? or are you happy only when he's happy?" lihua kept quiet and only said they were friends, just like tianhua and her now. "just friends".

oh wells, if i'm lihua- i'll definitely give tianhua a chance.

sigh.

i guess only when you lose something or someone, will you den realise that you've lost your chance. perhaps, you'll den regret your actions and wished time could be turned back. but how many of us are lucky to have the time turned back? or rather have that something or someone back for a second chance? how many of us are that lucky? wells, sometimes you depend on fate. sometimes you depend on reality. somehow, i rather not believe in any.

perhaps, i don't wish to be hurt another time. or maybe, i'm not ready for another try.

sometimes, i wish to be attached again. to someone who likes me for who i am and not who i pretend to be. wells, at least he is able to accept me for who i am. but somehow again, am i willing to try again?

oh wells, i sprouting nonsense again.
sorry folks.

[dreamt `]
at 6:00 PM

Monday, April 04, 2005

heyys, been really busy these few days. revising my modules and stuff.

oh wells, pretty enjoyed my dinner date with dear on sat. went down to her work place to meet her. due to the time, headed down to orchard and walked around. wow. call me pathetic- heh. somehow, orchard seemed kind of alien to me. perhaps, haven't walked down the road for ages. oh wells, after walking from orchard to plaza singapura- we headed down to newton circus for dinner. had a sumptuous meal. yeah, just the 2 of us. *romantic*. oh wells, we had the usual sting ray, sambal sotong, hokkien mee, satay, and yes- lemon sugarcane juice. yummylicious :))

after dinner, walked back to orchard. yes, on foot. for easy digestion. heh. walked around far east plaza and has a shock. yes, i met jeanine. seems like eons since i've met her. the last time we met was like when we collected results for o'levels? woah, time do pass- quickly. anyhows, went over to coffee bean at scotts. to chill and chat. yeah, caught up quite a bit. den took a bus home. yeah, missed those times we just chatted through the night. heh. chalet's coming. girl's night. woohoo :))

wells, being doing my revision for my modules. sigh. i'm kind of in a dilemma. told my dear rosanna that i'll be helping her with adam khoo's stuff. but now, i'm like backing out? nah, its just the mood. anyone understand? somehow, i feel if i really do attend the training and stuff, i'll feel a bit tied down. and yes, i dun wish to be tied down so soon. it's too soon!! gosh. and reading the brochures she gave me, its nice to work with kids. but to work as a coach, it'll like not really my calling. sigh. it's now not really nice to back out, isn't it? sigh. i don't mind working with kids, but to coach them is an external factor. oh gosh, i'm really stuck.

what am i going to do when i graduate? first and foremost, a place with my dear. gotta check out the prices and stuff. wells, i dun mind redang. tt's if i research enuff aye? i'm going for my manicure session. heh. like finally :)) hmmm, den perhaps go and find a part-time job while waiting for any reply from any resumes sent. sheesh, it's like so long away till i'm free. though, to be exact its like just a week. oh wells, i've gone through 2 years. 1 week will not kill me. yeah.

i need the concentration to complete my modules. urgh. gonna start on my industrial tmr. yes, i'm kinda late. but boohoo- i've done the rest of my revision. heh. smilies :))

oh yeah, albert called me today. and i'm given a task on my hand to complete. hmmm, it shouldn't be a worry. afterall, i've been his rep for 3 years now. heh. yes, i'm giving myself credits. i'll help him. its gonna be a surprise. heh. yes, i'm not spilling the beans. perhaps, not yet. heh.

gonna sleep now.
*smucks for all :))

[dreamt `]
at 11:46 PM

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

i'm pretty much disturbed. just watched passion of christ. gosh, the scenes are eating into me again. sigh. its the second time i'm watching this movie and its the second time i'm feeling this way. perhaps, its the guilt i'm holding back. perhaps it is. i just have this overwhelming feeling that no matter how much one praises him through praise and worship, how much one sacrifices to do His work- it's not enough. absolutely not enough to take away the pain He sacrificed for us all. sigh. and here i am, the biggest bum of all- slacking away and ignoring His word and message. oh wells, i'm the bigger sinner and perhaps, the biggest fool.

enough of all these for a second.

just got all the pictures for my cousin. will be uploaded soon.

had my gmp exam today. hmmm, i must say i'm pretty pleased with it. perhaps, maybe i could fulfill the basic questions and gladly say that i'm able to do most of them. yeah, so one done. five more to go. rotating's on wed. sigh. i've got an F for this. better work my ass to gain at least a D to pass this module. sigh.

oh wells, i'm gonna burn the cd for my cousin. and perhaps, do something to rest my mind. yes, i'm still disturbed.

excuse me-

[dreamt `]
at 12:27 AM

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Stress is perhaps the last thing i wanna feel. gosh, its the time of the semester- again. time is really passing fast.

sigh.

oh wells, exams start officially this week. eeks!!

my dearest fren- evon, is officially a free bird now. sigh. i've got another 3 weeks to slog through. darn. oh wells, i can't blame anyone can i? afterall, they did start school much earlier than i did. sigh. oh wells, i need to work hard for it. to work for the most essential- freedom. yeah :))

oh wells, here i am. still waiting for alison to come over. yeah, she told me that at 1pm today and now its already 1030pm and she's not here yet. sigh.

oh whatever.

i'm going to hit my books again. gmp's tmr. darn paper.

out of here now.

[dreamt `]
at 10:05 PM

Friday, March 25, 2005

woah. i've just downloaded a couple of movies. heh. i just watched spongebob yesterday, gonna watch mean girls later. am now downloading robots, coach carter, hitch, in good company, miss congeniality 2, constantine, white chicks, etc. woah, what a huge load for my computer!

anyways, did my gmp tutorials today. its alot to write manx! damn tiring. sigh. oh boy, i have to accept it right? oh wells, afterall school life is ending for me in yet another 3 weeks. i better start enjoying the last bit of it now. oh wells, though i'll be missing school life alot, i'm also looking forward to no-more-books life. heh.

gonna help my long-lost sister in her stuff. coaching and stuff. sigh. somehow, it aren't really my cup of tea aye? it aren't interesting? maybe.

one thing i never got to experience for my whole school life is to go for obs. sounds stupid aye? but wells, thanks to my late discipline mistress who hated me to the core, she barred me from going for obs- "cause i have too thick a record book". lame excuse! oh wells, so everyone went- except me! sad case.

oh wells, off to watch my movie.
see ya-

[dreamt `]
at 11:29 PM

Thursday, March 24, 2005

heyys everyone! oh wells, time is passing so fast aye? in another 3 weeks, i'll be graduating from nyp le. sigh- i'll miss the place. heh.

anyways, i've finished all my lab reports le. am now waiting for another report to come and i'll be done le. yupz, and now i'm finishing up my last bit of gmp tutorials. wells, kind of finished my s.o.p le. but am not sure if its correct, but whatever la- as long as it is up and ready for teo siew tai can le.

sigh. i miss loads of people manx. especially my dears! *smucks- gotta hang out soon!!

i miss my cousin, nephew and niece too! sigh-

the photos will be ready soon- that is, when i get hold of them. heh. then i'll post them up and show them off. heh :))

oh wells, i'm going to do my stuff le.
sayo-

[dreamt `]
at 2:36 PM

Sunday, March 20, 2005

i was once hurt deeply__ ;
i locked up my heart __ ;
and never ever believe in love again __ :

wells, three days have came and gone. my cousin's back in taiwan now. hmmm, do i enjoy the company? well, simply. heh. i pretty enjoyed myself during the three days. yupz, will upload the photos when they're ready. heh.

wells, brought them to sentosa on the first day- and they stayed at Shangri-La Rasa Hotel. brought them around and they enjoyed themselves. especially the kids when they're at the underwater world. yeah, my nephew loves the sharks. heh. anyways, had dinner at newton circle. not too bad, but i would have preferred seafood. anyways, bought the food we- singaporeans eat: satay, etc. the kids pretty enjoy the satay- niece love the chicken while nephew love mutton. yupz, headed back for the musical fountain. they love the whole collaboration of lights with the music. that's the first day.

took the cable car ride on the second day morning. after which they headed down to bird park and they pretty enjoy the various shows. cousin even took a picture with their star eagle. yeah, they should have enjoyed themselves. (wells, i had class. sad-) oh wells, after everything i met up with them and had dinner at a seafood restaurant. had chilli crabs, steamed fish, sambal kangkong. my little niece was a really good girl and finished all her rice and ate bits and pieces of crab meat and fish too. good girl- had a filling dinner and after dinner, we went down to clark quay. yupz, saw the reverse bungee. hmmm, if only i could try. heh. oh wells, the kids were not really into the night life. but cousin and her mum love the night life- especially indochine. wells, they're hoping i grow up real fast so that i can go with them. heh. anyways, walked around and headed back- cause the kids were falling asleep le. kids will always be kids. heh.

went over to esplanade in the morning and took pictures at merlion park on the third day. after which they came over to the market at my place and had bak ku teh. though it was quite peppery, cousin kinda like it- cause of its special taste. yupz, after lunch- the adults went orchard shopping; while i brought all the kids to watch pooh's humfallump movie. hmmm, not too bad a show. what was better, was the kids. cause they were quiet and did not make alot of noise in the theatre. after the show, brought them shopping for toys. bought lots of toys and they even did some painting thingy. the one which the kids can fill colors in and after baking, it'll stick to glass, mirrors, etc. wells, they pretty enjoyed themselves. after a long day, brought them to my place for dinner. after everything did they finally bear to leave our place.

so yeah, today's the last day and before they left- we brought them to east coast park to take a few pictures. yeah, i miss them already. i kinda miss them calling me jie jie. heh.

oh wells, i'll post the pictures up once they're ready. gonna slack around now.

[dreamt `]
at 6:03 PM

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

missed rotating yesterday. heh- couldnt wake up. anyways, went down to school for aic but was told there was no class. so yeah, instead of waiting for process to start which was at 1pm, left for home again. anyways, had lunch and headed out to raffles place to get the cd-roms for my niece and nephew. yupz, everything's done nicely le. spent about 100 buckeroos at the booth. oh wells, a personalised cd of their own- so it's pretty worth it. yupz, saw angeline there with her friend. she was giving away flyers- sitting down. heh. anyways, caught up with her quite abit. she'll be studying laselle, under arts. not bad for an art student before. so yeah, all the best to her yeah?

met jemie at orchard mrt and hanged around. walked around endlessly before heading for a movie at plaza- series of unfortunate events. hmmm, though it was full house for both cineleisure and plaza- i found the movie a tad boring. it didn't really have a lasting mystery, cause it had a mystery which didn't linger much to me. wells, to some- it was great; to me- tad boring, but not too bad. one good show to look out for will be 'coach carter', 'the pacifier'. yeah, should be 2 good shows to look out for.

anyways, went over to nydc to look for my 'twin', but in the end- we never entered the restarant. sighs. guys will always be guys. ended up sitting at coffee bean for 3 hours- slacking and talking about life (on the whole), before heading back home.

wells, not too bad a day. but was darn tiring- though i didn't do anything. heh. oh wells, will be watching the pooh's movie this sat with my niece and nephew. yupz, something that the kids can watch. singapore's quite boring. sighs.

gotta go now. off for class soon-

[dreamt `]
at 9:46 AM

Monday, March 14, 2005

if two past lovers remain friends, they either never loved each other or they still do*

did my gmp report with rossana online today. not bad, i must say. wells, the gmp report's finalised already. phew, one load off my back. now i'm left with gmp tutorial and aic lab report. sigh. when will it all end?

-next 4 weeks.

time is flying so fast now. sigh. don't feel anything in me now.

oh wells, tell me- does the quote above really mean what it states? if two past lovers are to remain as friends, they either never loved or they still do. somehow, it's disturbing. perhaps i'm thinking too much into it. but how not to think of it? sigh.

sometimes, i wish that i could turn back time.

back in secondary school, where i could live a rebellious life. one which no one had control of, and no one to bother me. the world was my battle ground and i had a share of it. but yet again, was i happy then? maybe. at least, it was all much better than loving once. perhaps, i loved too soon. that my friend, was my downfall. i guess due to my feigned ignorance to many stuff, i hurt lots of people in the enduring process. is that my downfall to relationships? perhaps. but what's that compared to having loved and having stabbed back by the very friend you once treasured? i ask of no forgiveness. that was the 'perfect' present i gave to someone who once loved me. people say retribution takes its wheel of fate. sigh. i guess, the retribution was built onto me- showing the pain someone had to carry before. now, i'm wondering how life should be. should i be the one who carries this pain? or should i be the one who bring upon the pain? sigh.

life stinks.

big time-

[dreamt `]
at 12:02 AM

Saturday, March 12, 2005

bored. bored. bored.

oh wells, just got my petrochemical results- for both common test and my class test. oh wells, not too bad. perhaps, that's coz i'm most prepared? heh. anyways, its the best results now for now. yeah, the worse- rotating still. oh wells, rotating's final paper's on the last day of this month. sigh. what should i do?

sigh. sigh. sigh.

oh wells, had dinner at marche with the girls on thurs. yupz, to celebrate m0usee's birthday. hmmm, old liao- hit 21 le. heh. anyways, had fun at marche. afterwhich, they brought her around while i lingered around till my que was given. took the ice cream cake i got and went over to sky garden. had a mini surprise there for her. we enjoyed ourselves and after the cake- it was our usual photo-taking session. heh. took alot of pictures. will upload the album soon.

佩琪姐 is coming over on thurs. my little niece and nephew will be coming along as well. finally! will be taking loads of pictures with them when they're here. oh wells, so excited to see them. heh. haven't seen them since 1998.

oh wells, gonna slack around.
cheers-

[dreamt `]
at 4:19 PM

Sunday, March 06, 2005

watched "assault on the precinct 13" with jonathan and dinosaur yesterday at lido. i must add- not bad a show it was. all down to politics again. heh.

anyways, someone msged me to watch the show with him- when i was already in the show. it's the second time already. last wednesday, i watched the sneak preview of "hitch" with my sister when he msged again- when i was again in the show already. funny aye? now, i bet he's wondering if he should ask me for a movie again. heh. wells, the thing which is tingling is the fact that he asked- not once, but twice. heh. just funny aye?

anyways, met up with peksy dear, pam and alison for dinner at gardens. had a filling dinner at cartel. heh. perhaps, we should have agreed on sitting outside for dinner. we sat beside a family who was damn irritating. anyhow, i guess the waitress at cartel must be cursing under their breath. wells, i won't blame them. we were, anyway. after which, we headed down to brown box for dessert again. yummylicious! i had their banana split pie, and it was heavenly. chocolate and strawberry ice-cream mud pie with frozen banana between, topped with crushed oreo bits and a dash of whipped cream. heavenly! hung out at brown box for awhile before we separated and headed back home.

wells, this coming week is the 12th. sigh. school's ending so soon. am i going to miss it? wells, i bet i will. afterall, i've spent 3 years in here already. in yet another 5 weeks, i'll be entering the political world. sigh. half of me is getting excited on the fact that i'm ending school; the another half isn't. perhaps, i'm not really prepared for working life yet? perhaps.

anyways, my cousin's coming down. she's confirmed her tickets, and her hotel le. yeah! i can see my neice and newphew le. like finally! after so many years! alright, perhaps i'm over-reacting. but heys, i don't get to see my relatives every year. since they're in taiwan. anyhow, i'm really excited to see them. heh.

alrighty. gotta go do my lab report le. heh.

cheerios :))

on my ~~spastic~~ life.

o1.wat date and time is it now?
6/3/2005 (9.20pm)
o2.wh0's at h0me wif ya n0w?
everybody.
o3.did u go out yesterday?
yeah. to the movies and makan
o5.do u prefer durian or guava?
guava. i dunch like durian
o6.wat time did u wake up today?
late. 1pm x)
o7.did u go anywhere t0day?
nah.
o8.wat did u do t0day?
did my stinking reports.
o9.how old are u now?
19
1o.are u mature or immature?
hmmmm, half of each?!
11.wat do u call ur mother?
mummy.
12.are u n ur mum in gd condition?
not too bad. hope to stay this way.
13.are u de only boy/girl in ur family?
nah.
14.wat perfume/cologne are u using now?
hugo boss.
15.do u use them everyday?
perhaps.
16.are u spoilt?
dunch think so. heh.
17.do u wanna get married?
perhaps.
18.wif who?
someone ba. haven't met that special one yet.
20.if u were to marry a celebrity.who wld u marry?
hmmm, tough qns. no idea.
21.when are u going to shop?
hmmm, perhaps i'll drop by someday this week.
22.wld u like to meet ronaldinho?
why not? heh.
23.where do u think ur best frens are?
i have none. unless you mean my dears :)
24.when was de last time u tok to ur best frens?
dears- last night.
25.do u tink he/she needs u now?
hmmm, i'll have to ask her. heh.
26.wat do u wan for ur birthday?
hmmm, cash would be the most feasible ans. heh.
27.wat do u want for christmas?
hmmm, cash would be good too.
28.if u were to buy a car..wat wld it be?
hmmm, how about a sport car?
29.if u were a car..wat car wld u choose to be?
perhaps, alfa romeo sports.
3o.any piercing on u?
yeah.
31.wld u get a tatoo?
i would. i need cash first. heh.
32.how bout a belly pierce?
perhaps.
33.how many kids do you wan?
2. a boy and a girl.
34.do u haf any homeworks?
stinking reports!
35.MSN or yahoo?
msn.
36.are u listening to any songs now?
i don't wanna miss a thing- areosmith.
37.do u believe in miracles?
perhaps.
38.where do u wanna go now?
hmmm, no idea.
39.ever been to bangladesh?
nah. i'll never go there.
40.how are you feeling now?
full. just had dinner.

[dreamt `]
at 8:46 PM

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

It's been some time now. Kind of miss some people out there. Perhaps, we haven't met up for a long time? Or perhaps, we haven't seen each other for ages? Somehow or other, have we forgotten our little friendship we once shared? What happened to that friendship we once hold dearly to? Did I let it go, or did you just left? Or vice versa?

Perhaps, I know the answer.

I created a space of my own and independently built on it. I doubted your advices and left you out of my little wonderful secret. You were just there. Waiting for me to look at you in the eye and tell you that you meant something to me. Perhaps, you waited too long. Maybe, that's why you left me. Perhaps, that's why you moved off on your own. Without me.

But, did you know your sudden departure left me crushed? You did. Perhaps, you never understood how important you were to me. Perhaps, you felt no longer significant to me. Or perhaps, you think that I've lost interest in you. Well, you are all wrong.

You were important to me. You made me whole and made me smile. You made me one happy girl. You were of high significance to me. You made me feel wanted. It was you who brought sunshine to my life. You made me feel important and cherished. I did not lose interest in you. With each passing day, I feel loved and treasured. There is always something in you that made you interesting. Perhaps, it was your goofiness. Or perhaps, it's the way you amuses me.

You were all wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

How about you? Have you ever considered about me? Have you ever considered when you dashed the hopes of a girl who just wished for more sunshine in her life? Have you ever wondered what the girl had to go through? Have you ever wished that nothing was ever real?

I guess not.

Perhaps, you never saw the things that I saw. Maybe you never gave yourself a chance.

If given a chance, will you turn back time and make things right again? Will you ever do so?

Well, perhaps I miss you still.

Well, since we're on the topic. Then a question posed.

Does love fades?

If you were to ask me, I guess the answer would be no. True love will never fade. If it does, then perhaps it's not love at the first place.

True love is not like any flower, which will wilt and fade away. True love will also not fade given the length of time it is put to the test.

If feelings were to fade, then it does not exist at all at the very first place. Love can withstand any obstacle. Love needs tonnes of understanding, compromises and patience to come far. To me, nothing ever changes. If there seems to be changes, it is in the nature of the things and people. It is just that we realized too late. They did not change. It is in them.

Many around us are waiting, waiting for their loved ones to come back to them.

Why do they choose to wait?

Because waiting is beautiful. Because there is a glimpse of hope. It is better than giving up forever and losing him/her forever. If you have someone you really love and cannot be with them due to any circumstances, you can hold on gently without any word of mouth. He or she can feel it, if they hold on to the same conviction as you. One day, you will be together with them again. One day, you will realize the person whom you have once forsaken is your true love. One day, your true love will return when it triumphs over the test of love. You will be loved.

I thought I was different.
I thought I was a strong girl.
But now, I admit I'm weak.
I concede defeat.

[dreamt `]
at 10:54 PM

Sunday, February 27, 2005

wells, went shopping with sylvia yesterday. spent about 50 buckeroos at far east plaza. anyways, i nearly did a tatoo. yes, this is my confession. sigh. i nearly did it one, if not for sylvia's message. geesh, i'm really crazy for one. heh.

anyways, it was xinying's birthday yesterday. so after shopping, we headed down over to her place. and we played mahjong! heh. i'm loving this game le. heh. this is no good. mummy's gonna kill me is she know's that i'm learning mahjong. oh wells, exercising the brain won't hurt right? wells, that's what doctors advice old people. let's just take it as i'm exercising my puny brain. heh. anyways, played and sang karoke. but it sucked, cause no one wanted to sing. screwed the whole atmosphere. anyways, had fun. took photos and saw xinying's birthday cake. it's really big. heh. looks great as well. anyways, headed over to gardens to meet my darlings after her place. had my salad and mocha ice blended at coffee bean. headed down to brown box where we had their ice cream. heavenly! heh. gonna be a good hang out place for me and my darlings! woohoo-

anyways, reached home near 12. was about to fall asleep when i received an unexpected message. heh. was from iz. hmmm, kinda miss that guy. a suave guy who's really cute- cause of his eyes. heh. anyways, was messaging him, dinosaur and jemie at the same time. yeah, quite tiring wor. heh. not too bad. fell asleep after 1.

did not go out today. was supposed to go out with dawn. but that stupid girl didn't contact me, so yeah- i stayed at home. and brushed up on the leftover rubbish hanging around- which were left undone. so, yeah- it's now much better. heh.

bored. bored. bored.

i'm outta here-

[dreamt `]
at 10:07 PM

Friday, February 25, 2005

i'm so pissed off, but yet i have to control!! argh!!!

remember mummy wants me to go university to study? well, she wants me to go over to taiwan to study. and she doesn't even bother to explain the reason, only saying that the government are trying to lure students over to study.

anyways, i got the number and called them today. first and foremost, that stupid lady on the phone totally had no manners. not even simple manners. nevermind that. they literally snobbed when i told them that i was a poly student who was graduating in 6 weeks time. like what the fucking hell? and when my mum calls, they told her that the last date to submit all the details is by march. alright, i have totally no fucking idea who's bullshitting who. forget it then, so i asked if i were to study in taiwan, would it be chinese based or english based. and that fucking lady could sound so taken aback when i asked this question and just snubbed me back that it would definitely be in chinese. like what the fuck? anyways, i wasn't bothered to continue when another lady came on the line and told me that if i want to study, i would have to wait till next year. that's cause the date to submit the details has ended. fuck you, will i even wait for a year just for you to fucking accept me? no way. count me out from that fucking queue. it's not my cup of tea. especially, studying in chinese. oh wells, i hate that langauge. don't mind me. i can't even speak good chinese, not the least carry a good conversation with anyone. study on chinese? i'll be spending 3/4 of my time flipping the damn dictionary to find out what the hell the stupid teacher had taught. like imagine studying chemistry in chinese. the only words that appear in my empty mind- what the fuck?

i don't understand my mum. i seriously don't. and she definitely doesn't understand me as well. like what the hell? she was supposed to be supportive and there she was yelling away that it would be my loss if i didn't study university. c'mon, it's not like i didn't do my calculations. even if i was accepted into a university, there is not enough cash to go around. like what regina said this afternoon, it's not very nice to study half way and drop out- due to financial problems. like as though i never thought about all these. i have thought about everything. it is not feasible for me to study immediately. firstly, my results cannot make it. secondly, there is simply not enough cash to go about the family already. thirdly, have anyone ever considered my feelings?

i'm really fucked up. i really am. i'm fucking tired already. and she had to yell and say that i can forget it if she were to sponser my fees. c'mon, its a hefty big sum of cash. i know it myself, i aren't dumb. even if i am dumb, i'll also do my calculations. i have made up my mind to work for a couple of years. than pay for my school fees on my own. it's going to kill me, but i'm going to do it. i'm not going to allow her to scream and yell at me like no one's business. if i were to not care, i wouldn't have bothered to argue back. i argued back to show that i didn't like to be manipulated. i want to do what's right. aren't i doing anything right? is earning my own fees, my own cash, my own allowance wrong? not having a degree now doesn't mean that i will not get it in my later years. why can't she understand? i really don't understand her. or rather, perhaps myself.

anyone have suggestions? or advices? i'm really fucked. poosh-

sorry for the language displayed above. sigh.

[dreamt `]
at 12:18 AM

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Haven't been online for some time already. School's been hectic. Been a real busy week of common tests. The heat is now on and I'm definitely feeling it. And I'm sure if I'm not going to do anything about it, I'll be standing alone- at the back. Wells, I wouldn't want that to happen.

Had my petrochemical common test on Tuesday. Hmmm, how should I describe the paper? I wouldn't say it's totally tough. Neither would I say that it's an easy paper. I guess I'll just say that I did my best and could do what I had. What I lacked was the sufficient knowledge to complete the paper. Rather than complain about the paper, I would say that I wasn't fully prepared for the paper. I placed a lot of attention on topic 3 and slacked through topic 2. So I would say that it's my fault now. Heh.

Today was my industrial safety test. Wells, i would say i am pretty happy of this paper. Perhaps i was more prepared for this paper than petrochemical. There was no calculations for this paper, and it's rather shocking. I guess, calculations will be included for final examinations. If only there was calculations today. But heys, the paper was not totally a killer anyway. And he was so nice to ask, giving us sweets during our test. Hmmm, where else can you find such a lecturer? I guess there's none out there already. Heh.

Hmmm, time really flies. In yet another 5 weeks or so, I'll be out of NYP. I would say that I'll definitely miss NYP. Wells, this is where I've spent 3 years in already. Feelings would definitely be there. After all, it's also a place, an institution where I was given the knowledge of the outside world, where I was nurtured. Anyhow, I'll miss the times I had in NYP. All the fun, laughter, peace and joy I had spent with my fellow friends and lecturers.

Last night, my mum talked to me about university. Wells, I'm not totally aspired by her to go take up a degree. But I definitely agree that a degree will serve a better rice- bowl than a diploma holder. Wells, its not that I don't wish to study university. But I feel that I don't have the cut or makings to enter a university. Plus look at the fees!! Its like extortion!! Oh wells, and Singapore is supposedly proposing the poly students to enter university by opening the criterions to sports as well. But hey, doesn't the government feel that the school fees are killing the people? The rise in school fees are going up every year. How would you expect students who feel like studying university to consider when the expenses will cost a bomb? Does the tuition grant even help? Sigh. Sometimes, I wonder- the government wants more students to study university but yet the jobs for graduates are at a stand still; they want to allow poly students to enter university so the individual universities open up more spaces to allow the students to enter, even by allowing them to enter with their cut in sports; everyone's going university and the fees are escalating ever faster and higher. Sigh. Now I understand what others say- to go to the university, the rich get richer and the poor gets poorer. Sigh.

Anyway, mummy wants me to study abroad. Sigh. Imagine- university abroad. 4 years studying university. Alone. How interesting.

Should I even consider? Sigh.

[dreamt `]
at 4:42 PM

Saturday, February 19, 2005

heys, its been a week since i last blogged. wells, life has been really tiring for me. lots of stuff not done and had to be rushed.

wells, let's not talk about stuff which sucked. next week's my common test week. having a test on tues and thurs. am i prepared for it? nah- why would i be prepared for it? it doesn't sound like me if i do. oh wells, that also mean i have to buck up le. *sobz*

anyways, went to see janice off last night with regina. we managed to see her. but guess what, we were late. so yeah, it was like a hi- bye thing. wells, at least i managed to pass her the present le. heh. i'll miss this little pig alot manx. hahax. oh yeah, i saw most of the trainers there as well. like ong lai, shin nuo, dawn, xiao ling, mr goh, loo shuin, etc. wells, it was great to see them- but it made me miss cptc even more. oh wells, life goes on aye?

hmmm, added lots of stuff on myself on the page. go check them out. for the people who are new, (where have u been all these while???!!!) click the boxes and you'll see different stuff. yeah.

on myself- its the first box.
my posts - its the second box.
my links- its the third box.
my gossips- its the forth box.

wells, if u can find the post- i assume you're smart to see the rest yah. oh wells, go check them out yeah? hahax.

my little reminder to one and all, for those who have EXTRA cash spilling out of your pockets ( i repeat- EXTRA!!) check out the wish list. heh.

chiao-

[dreamt `]
at 11:56 PM

Friday, February 11, 2005

heys, i'm a happy girl today! heh.

got my handphone today already- all thanks to dinosuar. oh wells, not forgetting my mother who rushed down in a cab to sign it for me. wells, its still under her name and apparently i can't transfer the account. oh wells, it was okie. now i'm having my new phone le. heh.

nokia 6670!! yeah-

oh wells, i'm going to hang around more. heh.

tmr's going to be a busy day. house-visiting the whole day! woohoo-

[dreamt `]
at 11:21 PM

Thursday, February 10, 2005

to the very special someone out there:

i feel useless. somehow after reading your blog- i feel guilty. in someway or other, i feel i was the one who pushed you into this mess. i know there's nothing i can do for you now, neither is there anything i can do to make you feel better. wells, i guess i did the wrong thing this time. never did i think that it'll turn out this way, and neither did i think that you'll be so very hurt after all these. wells, who wouldn't? i'm so very sorry.

i was once like you too. i truly understand how you feel- as a spare. but, this time i was the one who started it. i guess i shouldn't have did everything to make you happy. wells, now you're hurting so much- the way i was so hurt the last time.

you were there for me the last time. you stayed by me through the times i was depressed and all. you stood by me, even though you were busy and all. you made time for me. i thank you for everything. i truly do.

now its my turn.

i promise to stay with you. i promise to stay with you, accompany you to have a heartful laugh, lend you my shoulder when you need to lean on, give you a hug when you need one. i promise to make time for you, cause i want you to feel happy once again. i don't wish to see you eat up yourself as well. it pained you and the rest when i wallowed myself in self-pity the other time. for now, all of us would rather you be tempremental then wallow yourself in self-pity as well. i wish you all the best, and we would want to see you grow with self confidence. and i'm sure you can!

give yourself time to heal. i took a break from everything to heal. i can boldly tell you without lying that i may not have totally healed. but i'm still trying, still giving it a shot, still giving myself a chance. and i'm sure you can too! don't give up on yourself, just like what you have told me before. give yourself the time and chance to heal. don't rush into it. you'll hurt yourself even more if you do.

just the other day, i was talking to sylvia about this on the train.

in life, we have many fwens. many good fwens whom we can share our gossips and our heartaches with. everyone have fwens who have different roles in others' life. i may be a mentor to my younger fwens, but to my older fwens- i may be a little kid. wells, i have many sets of fwens in my life. countless! but i have this group of fwens in school- nyp.

sylvia: the critic. she's straightforward and she says what she likes and what she dislikes. even though the truth hurts, she's there to make things right. at least, to lessen the hurt by telling us the truth.

m0usee: the mentor. she's there to lend a shoulder or ear- always. don't see her as one who's wacky and all. she means what she says and heyys, everything does makes sense. especially her advices- she's like a doctor who can give her utmost in advices and will support you to make things right.

xinying: the cheerleader. she's there to give you the moral support. whatever the outcome may be, she gives her utmost support, that's cause she knows that you're truly happy in doing whatever you're doing. she's the best person to have around, cause she gives you the confidence you lack.

yourself: the life of the group. you're there- always letting us have the better half of you. but you're great, cause you simply laugh off and make a bull out of everything as well. we can crack jokes with you anywhere and anytime. although you always call yourself the walking joke, wells- you're not. just simply someone who can carry jokes well and especially one who can laugh it off well.

look! this is my group of fwens i'm hanging out with now. impressive? i find it impressive. its enough to motivate me to be a better person too.

so you!! hang on in there. we're all there with you- hanging out too!!

don't cry yourself to sleep again. or rather anymore.

i love you to bits!

*smuckz*

[dreamt `]
at 11:50 PM

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

heys, i'm finally back!! oh yeah :))

anyways, chinese new year's here. so here's wishing everyone a happy chinese new year! may everyone prosper in everyway in life. cheerios-

wells, to avoid confusion to anyone out there. dinosaur's my good fwen-brudder. yups, and to the many people out there who doesn't know who dinosaur is, you don't have to. heh.

anyway, i LOST my handphone on sunday. from the courtesy of my brudder. oh wells, i wasn't able to get angry with him, since he was so flustered over it anyway. plus he initiated to look for it by backtracking our footsteps. wells, its long gone now. so i'm hereby telling everyone out there who reads my blog that i'm sorry if you tried to contact me. wells, i'll be going to get my new phone with dinosaur on friday. so it's not too bad. i'll be getting the same phone as him, nokia 6670. wells, mummy's ok with it and i'll just have to pay the full sum on my own. oh wells, look at the brighter side. getting a new phone :)) heh.

hey dinosaur, i dowan get the soundtrack of phantom le. although i lurve the songs inside. but since the new phone can play den you help me transfer ba. i downloaded the songs onto my computer le. heh :))

my wishlist is updated le! so go check it out- especially for those who can spill more out after chinese new year. heh. oh wells, i'm going to help me mum for reunion dinner le.

adioz :))

[dreamt `]
at 4:19 PM

Saturday, February 05, 2005

and melodies in the air-
singing life just aren't fair-
sometimes i still just can't believe you're gone-

sitting in front of my computer- apparently just skiving through my weekends. loads of work not done, tutorials not touched, reports not started- this is the kind of crap i have on my luggage. sigh.

will life be much better tmr?

sighs.

be heading over town a while later. hmmm, dinosaur cancelled our shopping trip last night. so i was free today until pesky dear msged. so now i'll be out shopping with them. hmmm, not bad aye? well, am still considering whether or not to get the soundtrack of 'phantom of the opera'. well, listened to it and i kinda like it. i'm adding it on my wish list le. heh.

dawn called me the other day and we catched up quite abit over the phone. wells, we should be meeting after chinese new year. great! lots to catch up on. heh.

hmmm, am still wondering if i wanna go over to the lecturer's place this time. the lecturers asked me to confirm the attendance going over. sighs.

people, mr goh invites us over on the first day. if there are people who wanna go over to mr wong's place, please let me know? at least i can try and ask? heh.

oh wells, i'm going to watch tv now. heh-

[dreamt `]
at 2:27 PM

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

iheartyouu.
the minute you walked through my door.
i knew this love is forever more.
than you told me all these lies.
see the tears filling up my eyes.
all i want is a piece of heaven.
you taught me right from wrong.
and told me to be strong.
but now im better of alone.
searching for a better home.

today's quite a tiring day for me. well, that's cause its a full day! oh wells, i'm living with it now. i enjoyed process e-tutorials today! wells, i have to agree with sylvia. its on DCS- and i'm definitely having a hang of it now. heh. controlled the system pretty well today. proud of myself. *gloats*

after process tutorial, sylvia went over to look for albert. m0usee and myself went along as well. we chatted about stuff, and its not just mundane stuff. it's practically on our career after we graduate from nyp. oh wells, time flies so fast. in no time, we'll be graduating from nyp le. we'll all go separate ways- some will further their studies in the universities, while the rest may start working in the workforce. well, for myself- i've decided to work in this political world for a few years, before i decide if i wanna further my studies. well, perhaps i'll decide to work and study part-time. it'll take 5 years than- according to albert. oh wells, i'm having a dilemma. hmmm, i've to help out financially after i graduate. so it'll definitely help if i get a good job and not one that pays pathetically. yupz, and i'll have to save if i wanna further my studies. wells, i'm still contemplating on which career i wanna go. to work in the chemical industry or to work as a lab officer along with the pathologist in HSA. oh wells, albert suggest me to work a few years- get the experience and than decide what's best for me. i'll have a longer time to think about it and would perhaps choose more wisely. i guess so ba. well, according to my gpa results- i can't go anywhere. sadly- that's the case. it just sucks.

let's move over from mundane stuff.

watched a serial show just now and the actor said something like this:

there are 3 most important reasons why we can smile with happiness, or rather glow with happiness.

the first- the joy and happiness you receive from your family members.
the second- the closeness and loyalty trust within your good fwens.
the third- things you achieved on your own.

well, if its true- i get at least 1.5% of the above 3% than. i should consider myself a lucky girl than. heh. wells, perhaps i am.

yawnz. i'm getting tired and the clock's ticking continuously. grandpa time is moving so fast. perhaps that's why i tire easily? heh. i'm talking crap now.

nitez dudes!
*cheerios-

[dreamt `]
at 10:57 PM

how you feel about yourself now (Wheel Of Fortune)

Perhaps you feel due for a bit of good luck or indeed are experiencing some at the moment. The Wheel of Fortune is a card of destiny. What is happening now we could call fate, so if positive things are happening with your love life, career or finances this is no coincidence. If no such things are happening, expect a sudden change in fortune.

what you most want at this moment (The Magician)

What you most want is a new love in your life, and when The Magician appears, a new love affair or perhaps a rekindled affair is at hand. All things new are possible, the result is up to you - its all dependent on just how much you want it.

your fears (The Fool)

You are afraid of making the wrong decisions. There is a warning here that fool-hardy, impetuous actions could lead to major problems. Perhaps you feel that you don’t have control over a situation, either personal or professional. You may feel unable to complete a task or stay in a current relationship and fear the consequences of your decisions. Perhaps you know deep down that what you want isn’t really such a good thing.

what is going for you (Temperance)

You are about to enter a period of peace and harmony in your relationship, career or life generally. You will find a way of handling difficult circumstances with calm confidence. Life is flowing at this time enjoy it.

what is going against you (The Emperor)

You may be over ambitious at this time, success may remain just out of your reach for a while. Are you being assertive and positive enough? Or are you using aggressive, bullying tactics to no avail? Do not mis-use your authority or if you have requested help from a strong, successful man don’t let him bully you - he either helps or leaves you to get on with things yourself.

outcome (Judgement)

A time for taking stock, an end to an era or phase of your life and brand new opportunities appearing. An opportunity will present itself that must not be ignored and it could have far reaching implications, changing your life for the better. You will enjoy success and enjoyment for past efforts, events will pick up a pace and the outcome will be quicker than expected.

[dreamt `]
at 9:23 AM

just finished my gmp report. one way or another, the previous one got corrupted and i have no back-up. so yeha, i had to re-do the report. oh wells, it done up already anyway.

oh wells, had process test today. i would say it's rather tough- alot to write and not enuff time. well, i left out some here and there but i would say for all the questions asked, i could at least give 2 examples. which for me case, is an extremely good. heh. oh wells, its over now and i rather not think about it. am having rotating test on week 9, friday.

hmmm, be going down to esplanade on wednesday with regina. she'll be accompanying me to get tix for a talk thingy. den its going to be my manicure and pedicure session of thursday! woohoo- be going with sylvia and regina. sylvia's got the deal so we'll be going down as well. hmmm, not too bad- i must add. plus chinese new year's coming le. heh. pretty nails for the festive season.

oh wells, its going to be term break next week le. dun really have the mood to celebrate. just lethargic. oh wells, life is like this.

oh yes, i forgot to add- i met sandra and genevieve this afternoon at jubilee. i haven't seen this senior of mine for ages le! and she haven't change one bit! wells, she'll be flying back to australia this thurs. if only i didn't have make-up tutorials for advanced instrumentation, if not- i'll go see her off as well. sigh, i'll miss her. hey sandra, if you ever read this- takkaire of urself yah, and do keep urself safe! miss ya lots babe! *smuckz-

[dreamt `]
at 1:11 AM

Sunday, January 30, 2005

i liike the dreamss fer the futuree,
betterr thann thhe historyy of thhe past.

above quote taken from pacific coffee company- ripped off while studying today.

wells, both computers are up and running now. like finally! oh wells, thanks to dinosaur. he came and fixed the problem. wells, now both are running quite fine. good enuff.

i've been sick for quite some time already. its now really bad. am now coughing non-stop and my head hurts. my throat's very sore and it itches alot. nothing seems to work. sigh. i hate it!

not staying long. really cannot take it le. the cough's really killing me.

oh wells, see ya.

[dreamt `]
at 11:23 PM

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

s0 i'll waitt.
and waiit.till the dayy
yew come backk tahh miiee.
till the dayy yew come backk
and pr0mise miiee dat yew'll
nvr sayy gudbye anym0re..
so`i'll keep dreamiin of yew
dayy n nighhtt..
till my dreamms come truu*

wells, had my petrochemical test today. was bad! i dreaded it alot. was super difficult, and i only knew of the format lyk today? oh wells, there goes my petrochemical test le la. but thanks to jon and jesse who helped me alot. heh. well, perhaps- that would have gained me a couple of marks to cover for one whole question which i never attempted. not that i didn't attempt, but i totally never studied on that la. oh wells, its over now. dun wanna talk about it le.

i've got no class tomorrow. feel lyk going for a swim in the morning. i seriously need a tan! just look at that scorching sun out there, its damn tempting! yeah, all my fwens are cursing that i'll get heat stroke in the hot sun. sigh. sometimes, i dun understand them. what's so nice to be hiding under that shades when the sun's so good? oh well, i need a tan- and i'm hopeful!

going town tomorrow after the swim. perhaps, i'll be able to get the bag from valerie le. oh wells, we'll see how it goes first yeah?

ntu sent a letter, on their courses in the year 2005. their new courses as well. hmmm, i wouldn't mind dropping by to check the courses out. even though, i won't be studying after i graduate from nyp. sigh. no cash to study, that's wad u get. even so, i've flunked almost every subject. the comings of me entering a uni, is low. and i definitely mean low. oh wells, i'll just go down and check it out ba.

alrite, gotta go now. sleepy sleepy le.
yawnn*

[dreamt `]
at 11:35 PM

Monday, January 24, 2005

+ ii triedd to erasee my thoughts about youu ]]
__ but ii just could not `
* you just camee // -
# - and had neverr left my mind sincee ;
youu\ took my heart away.

i guess my heart's taken away; or somewhat just an empty shell. perhaps i'm digging deeper into this endless pit. oh well, i assume- it'll never be alright.

now i understand how peksy dear felt. i guess i'm having an on-off affection for someone as well. but just like what i've said, its just an on-off affection. i doubt it will even last. perhaps, i've got no confidence to let it last. or rather, i would like it to die off on its own.

dinosaur asked me today, if i was afraid to love again. well, i guess i am. but whatever it is, i'll still not choose dinosaur. even if there's no one else in this whole blardy world, he's not going to even make the list. am i being really mean? or well, my dear girlfwens will understand.

looking back to the past, after daddy left me- i feel empty. is that due to the lack of father love? i doubt myself before i go into a relationship. or rather, i doubt my every doings. sometimes, i don't udnerstand myself. i cheat myself every single day- perhaps, to live a happier life. but will that even last? everytime i shut my eye, the emptiness and lonliness in my heart overcomes myself. looking at the people around me, all my fwens- do all of them have a happy family? perhaps, the majority do. some come from a single family, while others- a broken one. everyone have a sad story behind them, and everyone presses on to live a better day.

i wish them all well :))

someone asked me last week, whether i may consider my future boyfwen to smoothly become my future husband. i pondered for a long time before i answered him. everyone's answer was yes. but mine's a flat no. when i look at my fwens around me, i secretly envy them. and yes, i wish them well and happiness. but to me, finding a soulmate is slightly different from finding a boyfwen. i definitely don't expect my future boyfwen to be my future husband; cause having expectations- leads to more problems. many a times, couples quarrel due to the lack of communications. if my future boyfwen can really be my future husband- why not? but heys, i don't wish to be tied down early as well. heh. with no high expectations of one another comes lesser miscommunications and misconceptions. is religion a factor as well? perhaps. i dunno myself. i'm not one strong believer myself, and i'm definitely waivering. sigh. oh wells, life still goes on.

wells, i'm facing a big dilemma. i'm stuck btw decisions for the lentern skit. oh wells, i did promise louis that i'll help out for the lentern skit, and of cause he was happy that i could commit. but now, i doubt i can. actually, i can still commit, its just that conflict of interest is rising heatedly in this group now. plus, that dumb girl got her 'siblings' to help out. people who cannot get things done right. perhaps, i'm being mean. but hey, i'm looking at the welfare of the group! first there are disagreements that we still can't settle, now we have people we can't work with. how else does she want to spoil the skit? i'm being really nice when i said i could commit, at least allow me to do God's work in peace. and now, crap happens. i'm so gonna leave that fucking place soon. instead of finding peace, i find more disturbance instead.

now tell me, how to do God's work?

p.s: pls let ziyan's fwen get healed soon. don't let her be worried too much :))

[dreamt `]
at 11:38 PM

Sunday, January 23, 2005

]] ` there's no right or wrong in luv; onli the right or wrong timing

well, i guess i'm speechless. i dunno what to say or what to do. sigh. i'm tired with someone. darn tired with someone. i guess he tinks we're together or something. but hell no, manx! just friends. simply just friends. nothing more than that. oh gosh, i'm tired of having to answer his calls or his darn messages. i'm not his, and will never be. there's no chemistry in there manx! unless there's chemistry, i can still consider. but heys, there's totally no chemistry between us. perhaps we're just meant to be friends. nothing more than that limit. its not now, and perhaps not in the future as well. oh wells, am i being mean? but heys, he's definitely spooking me out. not that i'm totally spooked, but heys- one does have a limit. and i'm definitely not his girlfriend manx. so stop being mushy. in simpler words, keep a distance. don't expect me to turn towards your directions manx. i've had enough.

oh wells, peksy dear knows who i'm talking about. i'm definitely irritated with him. heys, i can talk to you like a brudder, doesn't mean we're meant for each other. c'mon, i've totally no feelings for him manx. sigh. irritated, very well irritated.

oh well, yesterday was fun. went down to orchard with peksy dear. walked around and shopped. i bought my khakis bag from projectblood shop le. yeah, 72.45 buckeroos. but heys, valerie's friend gave me a discount so its 62 buckeroos. well, not too bad. heh. but my bag will only be delivered to me next week. yupz, valerie's gonna go collect it for me. will consider the wallet probably later ba. no intention of getting a wallet anyways. oh well, went to marina and had seafood dinner. yupz, got to know valerie's friends- ziyan and nicole. well, not too bad. had lots of fun. ate quite alot and was really lame. yeah, wanted to play pool but the pool house was closed down. yeah, so decided to walk to suntec from marina. had fun. cause we walked in the dark. yeah, totally no lights. heh. walked about 2 hours before we reached citylink. den we took the train and went on separate ways. was definitely great.

[dreamt `]
at 5:41 PM

Thursday, January 20, 2005

hey people, day's been quite fun today. had open house duty today- was at registration counter. not too bad la, can see cute guys and pretty girls. plus had full view of the performance at the atrium stage. not too bad, i must say. mr quek was there as well, also in-charge of registration.

anyway, went town with jesse after open house. yupz, went down to plaza singapura den headed down towards taka direction. saw lots of stuff sia. heh. i wan buy le. saw many nice accessories and its really sweet. sigh. i need save money ah!

i bought 3 rings from heeren and den went down to taka and saw this really cute shop. its on level 4 and it sells really sweet toys. spent like 30 buckeroos there? well, bought a horse figurine for mummy- but she complains that the horse's legs look like dog's legs, while i bought myself a little monkey figurine- just like me! yupz, i guess i'll probably bring my brother down one day. perhaps when i'm free ba =)

hmmm, just found out that this girl who added me on msn is from zion's joy. charmaine's her name. sweet little girl she is. and she definitely has a good spirit! she's inviting me back to zion's joy. i guess i'm not ready to take that challenge up yet. i'm still feeling uncomfortable. yes, call me lazy my dear teacher. but that long passage you gave me is still on my waiting list. i can't meditate on it, i guess. perhaps i've lost my patience? sigh. it's really difficult. now, i'm in a dilemma in whether i should still help out for the lentern skit. sigh. let's not talk about it now. makes me mellow. sigh.

let's talk about happier stuff. like accessories!! heh. well, i'm going to update my wish list le. heh. hmmm, hints to people who have money that literally spills out of your pockets, if you can't keep it in- take it out! heh. good advice right? heh.

let's see..

choker (star): 12.90 buckeroos @ p.s
choker (black pendant): 12.90 buckeroos @ p.s
ring (dragonfly): 29.90 buckeroos @ p.s
cuff band (studded): 15 buckeroos @ heeren
pure black/ white slippers : 26.90 buckeroos @ heeren
maroon wallet (flower at side): 26 buckeroos @ heeren
white wallet (billabong): ~30 buckeroos @ heeren
beige bag (projectblood shop): 42 buckeroos @ taka
khakis bag (projectblood shop): 72.90 buckeroos @ taka
me to you bear (big): ~30 buckeroos @ taka

tink that should be all. hmmm, in total- 300 buckeroos. oh wells, i need to save money. or someone donate cash? heh.

off i go. see ya-

[dreamt `]
at 11:14 PM

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

hey peeps, back again. just finished watching 'daddy day-care' on HBO. oh so sweet, love the little kids alot. just plain sweet. heh. oh wells, school was tiring- as usual. everyone's busy with stuff, cause open house's tomorrow. oh wells, this year's plain boring. doesn't helping out in open house appeal to me anymore? hmmm, i guess this semester start off at the wrong note. plus our dear co-ordinator, mr wong's posted to be cptc's plant manager. i guess the atmosphere this time round is somewhat different. the usual gang who volunteer the last time round have taken a step back- to relax. oh well, this year's the same for me. i'll be helping out again. though not on duty tomorrow, i'll just pop by and see how it goes ba. perhaps drop by the registration counter and see how the stuff is handled, since i'll be involved in the registration counter. oh wells, just feel lethargic. getting old i guess, afterall its the last open house i'll be attending for nyp. will me secondary school pop by again? i guess they might. heh. check out the school tours list tomorrow. heh =)

from dear's blog:

anyway...dear has changed...matured in thinking. read her blog...so happy for her. it seems like a special fren has come into her life and 'change' her. hey dear...hopefully one day we're active in church again (",) miss the days when we help out in cat class though...sjc camp etc. dun mind singing for 1 hr again though.

replies to dear's blog:

dear thinks i've changed. hmmm, do i feel that i've changed? actually, i don't feel the change in me. i guess the change in me is so very minor that there's simply no impact in my life. oh wells, what changes have i done? just reading the bible verses given to me- that's all. alrite, and helping out in the lentern skit. that's all for me. i'm still taking it in slowly, too much will definitely kill me- and i don't wish to die young. heh. though it used to be my everyday mission- to die young. but heys, don't worry yah. its been erased off my mind- hopefully forever. heh. hmmm, special friend aye? perhaps ba. one special someone who's trying his utmost ability to change me. i'm definitely one tough nut to crack. heh. i agree with you, i miss being active in church. especially helping out in camps. the logistics team! woohoo. just miss those days when we're doing His works and helping out in every way we can. but now, its difficult to move back to where we were- the place where we fell and never picked up. oh wells, i guess that's what louis is doing now. trying to get people who have fallen back on track. and he's sure doing alot to try and make that work. but i guess, its just going to be uncomfortable helping out once again. sigh. oh yes, i miss praise and worship. alot-

tutorials are piling up while the tests are here. darn. this semester just suck totally. we start school during christmas and had to stay in even on christmas eve. we had school on new year's eve too. now we're having our study break on chinese new year break- like what the hell? if so, what's the blardy use of giving us a break. might as well, do without it. after chinese new year is common test week. darn. this is going to be my first chinese new year in which i'm going to be a good girl and study. imagine studying during chinese new year! they should include this statement during chinese new year- no studying allowed. you know the few statements chinese tradition carries. one of them is no sweeping during chinese new year, etc. yupz, they shoudl include no studying as well. sigh, its going to be a boring year.

sigh. i'm out-

[dreamt `]
at 10:23 PM

I am worth $1,425,818.00 on HumanForSale.com

[dreamt `]
at 10:17 PM

Monday, January 17, 2005

]] `/ Lucky is the man who wins the first love of a woman, but luckier is the woman who wins the last love of a man.

i'm back again. its now night and i'm feeling sleepy le, but i haven't done my gmp tutorial le. gotta do it before i knock off later. my 2 reports are done le- both gmp and industrial. freshly printed as well. heh.

oh well, my nu er came over nyp to meet me today. had late lunch with her at food junction before she headed over to my place to slack. had quite alot of fun and we managed to persuade peksy dear to drop over after her work. heh. well, i did up piggy's blog and now its simply sweet. heh.

just read peksy dear's blog and i agree with her. she should give up and forget ba. i noe it sounds really bad, but i don't want to see a friend upset over someone, what more she's my dear! well, i'm absolutely disappointed with that guy thou. he's hurt her enough and its also long enough. if he doesn't have the heart to go into it, i would wish he never made her go so deep. well, whatever it is- be it good or bad, i'll always support her. you rock, dear! i have faith in you, and i'm sure you have thought it really thoroughly. i'll support you even if you say you still hold on, or that you want to clearly forget. i'll be here!

well, it seems like while some of my friends are happily attached, some are hurt and torn apart by decisions. some would like to forget the pain they've carried for the few years, some would like to that flame of passion to stop burning, whereas some are just waiting for that special someone to make the move. i guess everyone are sensitive to the presence of having that someone around them, and i guess they desire to have that someone with them- at least to have company and be loved. i hope and wish all of them well. =)

hmmm, what about me then? well, from my above verse- i tink i'm still waiting ba. now, let me see- its been exactly 1 year, 1 month and 29 days since my last relationship. how does that sound? nothing much right? well, i'm learning to take nothing about the figures now. i'm learning to live my life well now, and not let people affect it. i guess that last relationship was all nothing but lies and hurt. you may say that i was naive, i am. i guess when people are in love, be it girls or guys- they're naive in their relationships and turn their eyes only to their special ones and seek their utmost attention. well, after that relationship ended- my life went through ups and downs. it was definitely not a smooth journey where i grew mature from. i was stubborn and went on my own ways to torment myself, inflicting wounds on myself that seem to relieve the pain i kept within. but everything still fell apart. well, i guess i never kept it all in at all. i hid away from people and perhaps got depressed. trust was broken time and time again, till i was tired to trust anymore. i don't deny that i had infatuations for a few guys for that period of lonliness. but i never ever did anything about it, neither did i even attempt to fall for any of them deeper. i guess the shadow of being hurt still lingers. now, i dare say i may have feelings for someone, but i don't think its going to last long. though from the time i was fond of him till now, dates about 3 months. i guess it won't last. its like an on- off thing, something which i dare say i'm not sure if the feelings are still even there. it would be so selfish of me if the feelings have faded, wouldn't it? well, even though my heart crumbles everytime i hear a sad love song or watch a sad love movie, and feel the deep lonliness in my heart and soul- i'm still looking. hoping to find that special someone, and i would dearly wish to be his last love. naive again aye? oh well, to say it bluntly- i'm afraid of being hurt once again. i don't have confidence in myself as it had crumbled below where it started. and yes, there's another thing- i'm not even sure its real but i'm afraid. i'm afraid that i would have the phobia against guys. is there such a thing? or am i ridiculous once again? oh well, i guess- guys never seem to stay long. other den my brother. i'm afraid. oh well, forget whatever i say ba.

alrite. gotta do my gmp tutorial ba. gotta hand in tmr. oh well, all the best =)

[dreamt `]
at 10:42 PM

going to school soon, woke up early to finalise my gmp report. now its nicely done, just have to print them out and finish the map of Q404 and i'm done! anyway, don't have rotating lab today so i'm starting school at 1010 only. sometimes, i don't understand guys. are they thick up their skull or just empty like a hollow bin? can't they understand simple instructions. oh well, i'm not going to reply since nothing seems to be understood anyway.

had conference call with peksy dear and alison ger last night. was quite fun, caught up on our lives and our usual topic- guys. heh. talking about son-in-law and having dear-in-law. heh. was great and i pretty enjoyed it. missed those times school holidays when we just gossip and crap around. well, that's life perhaps. and i'm definitely learning to love it. heh.

oh well, lentern skit rehersal was not too bad, just that we're short of manpower. both in logistics side and the crew. oh well, they say that god provides. let's see about that den. our roles are not assigned as yet, but i'll like to play the devil. heh. cool aye? oh well, louis was happy to see me help out. i'm shocked myself. well, he wants to make a change and perhaps form our own group. i don't noe about it, will it work? we'll see about that.

oh well, i'm got half hour left. gotta run along and shower before i head off to school now. see ya.

[dreamt `]
at 9:19 AM

Saturday, January 15, 2005

well, been quite a good girl today. did my tutorials for process operation. just realised that there's alot to do since i missed the tutorials from the start. well, not too late to realise that its too late, just alot to catch up on now. no more of missing classes for me now. i must really be good girl le. sit down, don't fidget and do tutorials le.

anyway, watched 'meet the fockers' on wednesday with my dearest peksy. yupz, headed down to amk station to meet her along with sylvia. yupz, sylvia's definitely engrossed with the dan brown's book- the da vinci code. we took the train over and went to plaza to watch the show whereas sylvia went over to her mum's shop. shopped around till the show started. we got the ben and jerry's ice cream. was yummylicious! should go try it. loved the show to bits manx. of the the whole show, i like baby jack the most. he's one handsome little fella. anyway, headed over to OG-orchard and shopped for nail polish. well, i got 3 nail polish, 2 nail art and 1 top cover- spent 35 buckeroos just like that. well, that's me. heh.

well, life has been quite on the rocks for me. learning to go easy on myself doesn't seem to be good. anyway, it sounds quite ridiculous- even i'm laughing at it. well, was thinking of doing some little writings and thoughts over some verses every time i read them. since now, i'm being a good little girl and reading the bible. yes, it sounds so ridiculous but i'm reading it, taking it slowly at a time. i won't kill myself by reading a whole lot at one go. it will definitely kill my brain cells, plus i'm not really sure it'll start healing my spiritual life, so i dun hold much expectations of myself. anyway, i never did think highly of myself. heh. perhaps i should do that. maybe in time to come, i'll slowly climb wearily out of the hermit shell. so don't laugh and put me down cause i'll definitely will- let me experiment for awhile till it dies off itself. but on the other hand, it's not gonna be easy for me to die off, since i have a teacher who gives me daily verses nowadays. heh. one person who will not cut the slack. oh well, he's doing God's work- so let's just let him be.

gonna sleep le. have to wake up early and go to church for mass. surprise? don't be. expect to see more ba. oh well, its true- people do change. for better or worse, let's see about that.

[dreamt `]
at 11:38 PM

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

]] `/ love a love that hurts, never hurt a love that loves-

well, above's my nick on msn. perhaps you may ask why the sudden sentiments. anyhow, i'm not too sure myself. guess everyone around me is in the lovey-dovey mood. some people are in love, while the rest are nesting in their love house together. how sweet. well, it may be quite some time away till valentine's day but the shops are all getting prepared already.

anyway, its gonna be exams week when its valentine's. how 'romantic' can it be. oh wells, perhaps we'll have dinner and dance with our books instead. pardon me, i'm trying to stay sane.

sentiments are running through my head, and yes- i feel cold alone. oh wells, hug a bear and wrap myself in my comforter and drink hot chocolate. it might work to keep the coldness away from my fragile heart. sheesh, enuff of all these.

i'm falling sick le. my head's getting heavier now (perhaps its getting late). my throat's really dry and its quite painful to swallow, even water. the back of my nose to my throat hurts and apparently the nasal spray i have can't help this time. i can't blame the nasal spray, can i? anyhow, i bought the nasal spray cause it helps curb sinus and its not too bad. its quite expensive for a puny bottle- 50 buckeroos. well, what can i say? it has steriods in the spray. sound bad aye? but apparently, its quite good and helps quite alot. only now its not much of help.

oh wells, i'm gonna sleep le. having lab early tmr with mr quek. i've been a good girl- done my lab report (in time for once). oh well, have to study soon.

gonna watch the focker's with dear tmr. den perhaps shop for nail polish? or should i just be lazy and spend 22 buckeroos for a manicure and a pedicure? i'm still contemplating. we'll see tmr den.

[dreamt `]
at 11:51 PM

finally got my blog done up- with the help of valerie's computer! *yesh-

anyway, 2004's over already. a real happening year for me- lost some frens, made more frens, just simply frens that make that simple difference in my insignificant life. anyway, before i rattle on into the contents of my wonderful date with my darlings, perhaps i'll like to do some statement broadcast out to the many people who have somehow left a print in my life for the year 2004.

well, it may seem little but i needed to tink about it before i could pen them down. yeah, believe me- it's tough. here goes:

regina: its been a great 2004 year for the both of us. well, we have gone through the gossips, singing session at kbox, and well- its been great talking it out, especially when the topic's about guys. race hard for your dreams, you can make it if u believe! *oinkz

m0usee: its really heartening to have such a fren + counsellor like you, and you're definitely one who will give her best advice to those who need them- like me! hope you find the guy of your dreams soon. consider the 'aeroplane guy'?

sylvia: 2004 was definitely the year which our frenship was put to the test- a bad experience for both of us, but i guess we made it through and have become better frens as well. considering anyone now? that someone on your mind now, is quite a catch. tink carefully yah?

xinying: 2004's been a fun-filled year- that's cause we became closer after being classmates for 2 years! don't worry about not being heard from others, we'll definitely hear you out! must takkaire of urself wor. now weather not good, will fall sick easily.

jesse, alan, jonathan, zheng wen: 2004 was tough for us- some lost something/someone, some found something/someone. but nevertheless, we all grew stronger and mature through the experiences set for us. let's rock on together brudders!

dawn, janice: 2004's been blessed to get to know these 2 fine ladies. both have taught me to look with a brighter prospective of life. its been great making frens with the both of you plus the fair exchange of secrets. miss ya both lots! wish ya both the best for the new year!

jemie: 2004's one year which i've made the alot of frens- and that definitely includes you. been great having you around- listening to my problems, sharing about different views and prospectives in life, etc. i'm sure you'll be able to find the girl of your dreams- pray hard!

lynnly: hey, sorry about everything. wanted to pass you a card/letter to you, to thank you and some other stuff. will pass you soon yeah? don't worry about anything- i love the cap, and i'm already wearing it.

alison: 2004 has brought us closer together somehow, and i simply miss those times we've had. i'm so very glad to have you as my little nu er and little piggy. all the very best for your o's this year and strive hard for it. i'm sure you'll do your best! don't give up so easily okie? you have us who care alot for you- coz we so love you! hmmm, will i be getting a son-in-law soon for the new year?

valerie: 2004's been a year which we had been reminding each other about our makan date- ma you ji, and i've definitely not forgotten it. let's have it some day soon yeah? study hard and strive for the best!

louis: 2004's been a year which we had gone through a rough tide together, but we grew stronger and mature in our own different way. soon it'll be time for you to enter ns- let's have fun before that happens yah! takkaire.

peksy dear: 2004 has definitely brought us closer together- makaning, gossiping, shopping, slacking, etc. its been a long year but i guess, we have both survived through it together and have become stronger! i'm definitely blessed to have you in my life- cause you have played such a significant role in mine! rock on darling and love ya lots!

jo-ann dear: 2004's been a busy year for you- having to study for your a's, been hard for you but you have strived hard and done well. have missed you so much in the year 2004, and now let's grow stronger together- the 3 dears! i'm so blessed to have you in my life, and i miss the times we had together- especially baking! rock on and love ya lots!

alright, its more or less up now. for those who i've missed out- don't worry! i haven't forgotten you!

anyway, back to my interesting and wonderful date i had with my darlings on saturday, 8th jan '05. well, we met up at city hall station and headed down to suntec's marche for lunch. we ordered lots of food and catched up alot on our lives individually. den it was time for the exchange of presents. i've finally gave them the necklaces which i've bought since last dec, and i can finally wear it as well! we hung out in marche for nearly 3 hours before we shopped around in suntec. it was raining quite badly and jo decided to buy an umbrella before we headed down to church for evening mass. jo was commissioned as she's helping her mummy this year for cathecism class. well, pek and i have decided to give it a miss now- pek dear's busy with work, while i'm just not too sure what i would like to do and wouldn't want to spend my time idling around in cathecism class when i'm supposed to be helping out, guess it isn't my calling. yeah, attended mass and was super fidgety. i guess clarissa's parents may be quite irritated with me for not paying attention in mass. oh well, sorry for the inattentiveness- but pardon me, i've not been for mass for at least half a year. so excuse me when i say that i'm not bothered, cause i guess i'm not. but well, due to some unforseen circumstances- i'll be going for mass next sunday onwards. ironic aye? well, let's just put it plainly- bro's gonna go for class, i'll go for mass, den maybe i'll just study in church till he ends class. oh well, 2005's here with new resolutions? oh well, let's just hope it'll turn out well.

alright, back to where i stopped. went over to heartland with pek dear and walked around. bought something for janice and had yoshi for dinner. met up with valerie and headed over to her place. wilfred's finally got his own sax now and its really beautiful. while i was using valerie's computer, the 2 girls were playing with make-up. yeah, and valerie got her hand in doing a full make-up on dear. well, i did something as well, and it was hilarious. i have totally no idea what's what and was asking valerie to explain its different functions, and if i'm not wrong- i played with the mascara. yeah, apparently it makes your lashes more prominent. we had fun and took loads of pictures. and we're planning a girls' night out (that's if we're free, if not- it'll be during dear's chalet) where we'll be doing make-up on each other. well, we had lots of fun together. missed those times we had together, but its the new year! we'll bond more this time round.

oh well, for the year 2004- it was a year where pain was hidden away to make the people around me happy, a year where internal struggles within myself for heavier, a year where depression took another step within myself, a year where hatred was hidden away and a mask kept rigid with a smile which wasn't there, it was a painful year.

but for the year 2004- it was also the year where i learnt to hide my sadness and pain so that the people around me need not worry, a year where i learnt to be opened with criticism placed towards me, a year where i learnt how to keep my frens instead of losing them, a year where i learnt to keep my expectations down-to-earth, a year where i experienced working life, a year where i made use of newly learnt self-helps to be a stronger person, it was also a year where i learnt alot.

in the whole, year 2004 has moulded me into a person whom i never knew. someone who is now learning to put herself before her heart, learning to forgive herself for the wrongs she had done and also learning to love herself for who she is. i guess, i'm learning to be sensible now. no more tantrums for me now, no more being poutty now, no more being difficult now. its been a great year and i want this year 2005 to be a better year. and i'm sure if i work for it, it'll definitely be a better year. oh wells, i'm so learning to love this life of mine. heh.

oh wells, to the many people out there. pardon me for having such a long blog this time. but i guess- you won't blame me now, will you? *giggles. i'm sure you won't. heh.

alright. i'm leaving now.
don't miss me too soon.
*peace*

[dreamt `]
at 8:25 AM