black girl aka chocolate (:
cafe del mar
beach captain
party animal
beach bummer

my dearest sweethearts(:
my darling girlfriends (:
ah-bee (:
interlocked fingers
playing in the rain
star gazing
retail therapy
party therapy
food haven
speed rides
hard liquor, bubbly champagne

new phone
new watch
new hair makeover
skinny haviannas
newurbanmale clock
the boyfriend's shirt
one more boyfriend's shirt
skinny belt
paul smith floral perfume
diesel perfume
calvin klein europhia perfume
calvin klein eternity perfume
dior fahrenheit 32 perfume
kenneth cole RSVP perfume
that ray bans shades
marc ecko E850361
full body massage&spa
lose 5kg
trip down to port dickson (:
photo with *him
a good holiday!
vehicle license

alinah` alison` joan` jo-ann` lynnly` pek geok` regina` nadiah` helly` song` linette` eunice` bala` dizzy` joleen` lays`

pump a heartbeat to me-`

Wednesday, June 04, 2008
haven't been online for a very long time. been LAZY. haha x)

my life's in a topsy turvy mess now.
seems like the guys i hang out with all have a story behind them.
and i'm actually surprised that they're open to share with me.
i'm quite alright though, but it is weird when the people in front of me start to do their business.
oh wells, like UNCLE SAM who likes to say- aku halal already.
haha (x

yes yes yes,
the new people around me are malays.
haha (x
both girls and guys.
i'm a friendly person.

naval's pierced, like finally!
hah (:
i like, yayyay`
astha did it for me illegally inside delmar.
but was painful aye.
coz i'm a clumsy person.
fell down and actually grazed the wound?
but now, its better!
yay yay yay!
waiting for it to be totally healed before i change the stud (:
bling bling! woohoo (x

mos tonight.
deejay has's finale set.
he's moving off to dempsey now.
sighs, everyone's moving off.
oh wells, its time for hardstyle partying tonight (:


[dreamt `]
at 11:58 AM

Thursday, May 08, 2008
i'm currently nursing a hangover. bad hangover.
went down to clarke quay after work last night.
surprise surprise surprise! (:

havent been down clarke quay for a very long time.
went over to look for ju*sweet at barfly.
collected my cake from her.
met alan, he cut his hair! haha (x
deejay jason was spinning. said would come over mos after his set.
came down from barfly and was surprised seeing someone i used to know and like.
haha (x
awi, malay bartender who used to worked in st.james- powerhouse.
he's currently working at le noir?
yups, alfresco bar.
we didnt say anything.
just walked past each other, looking at each other eye-to-eye contact.
wow, interesting.
went over chivas party to meet alfee.
chit chat gossip chit chat.

went over to mos only about 12nish.
i was the surprise.
everyone assumed i was at port dickson's tiesto concert.
BUT sadly, my leave was not approved?
but oh wells, continued to plant the seed that i was away for the party to all of them,
except for ain who knew my whereabouts clearly.
haha (x
yasmin, jawk, alinah's birthday party!
ministry of sound- smoove.
cool (:
"ideal" was around. yay yay.
birthday package.
my welcome drink, champagne.
mamat joined me. heh (:
shariff, alinah accompanied me up to pure room.
same but different with deejay has (:
yups yups yups.
i like (:
shariff was SUPER glued to deejay has.
HE'S SO CUTE, he claims.
hahas (:
danced danced danced.
mamat kept telling me not to drink too much.
lest i get drunk.
oh wells, tell me about it.
cause i was drunk by 3am?
hahas (x

vodka, champagne, red wine, whisky, tequila.
mixture of drinks will definitely kill you.
oh wells, because it killed me last night.
sheesh, i'm stil nursing this bad hangover.
threw up alot of gastric juice as well.
this is bad?

wells, at least i didnt mix ilegal stuff with my drinks last night.
thank god.

oh wells, i wann rest more.
loves loves loves!

[dreamt `]
at 9:14 PM

Wednesday, April 30, 2008
'm officially back in the morning shift now.
this is my 2nd week back, officially 6 days back under the sun.
yay yay- i like! (x
yups, so i'm back- xiao hei.
roasted as usual.
but i need to catch up on my fairer side.
carolyn says to use OLIVE OIL.
but it doesn't have spf, that is.
but it'll catch up with my roasted color.
so as to even out easily.
i'll try.
just as long as i get company to go sun-tanning.
yups yups.
i can't wait.
hahahs (x

cafedelmar's getting smaller day by day,
not physically but literally.
everyone's leaving.
how? \(-.-)/
was talking to karthi this morning.
he also asks me to look out for opportunities now.
how disappointing to see the cafedelmar that was built piece by piece, go one by one.
the foundation is breaking away?
oh wells, this is life.
as they call it.
we'll have to accept the way changes adapt into our lives?
oh wells, i leave my comment to myself.

jawk and yasmin's birthday- upcoming party at ministry, smoove.
birthday package.
i've already booked a table for them.
hope they enjoy themselves!
yups yups (x

may 9th-10th- port dickson
deejay tiesto world tour.
along with ferry corsten.
it's going to be happening!!
yay yay (:

i wann to re-start my diet again.
i've been taking the wrong stuff?
tommy's losing weight, gaining mass.
i'm following his footsteps.
i wann lose weight and mass.
he and i forgot he's a bodybuilder.
not me aye.
anyways, i'll start all over.
no big deal.
hahaha (x

muacks <3

[dreamt `]
at 12:03 AM

Thursday, April 17, 2008
well well well, its my 11th day today-as of monday, the start of my diet plan. and i've been a good girl (: heh. i've lost 4kgs already.

yay yay!

hmmm, treated myself to strawberry gelato just now with cynthia. heh. she asked the ice cream guy what his name was. heh, HAFIZ (: cute cute. mummy cooked pasta just now. oops! will hold my tongue tmr den. sighs.

*he texted me yesterday early morning. "Hope you will smile like me again.."
i miss him a whole lot.

[dreamt `]
at 11:51 PM

Thursday, April 10, 2008
i'm officially on a strict diet now.
yups, have to be good and listen to tommy now.
heh \(-.-)/
he's going to control my diet and he's going to bring me to the gym (:
i wann lose weight.
i wann tone up.
yups, yups, yups.

am officially night shift, did i say?
boring aye.
everyone's leaving already.
lifebrandz to be exact.
tsk tsk.
anything to be done? no idea at all.
over at delmar? the able-workers are all leaving.
bad bad bad.
i'l miss them all.
sheesh, i miss the sun actually.
tsk tsk.
3 more weeks of night.
i don't like at all. i'm not a moon-friend; i'm a sun-friend.
oh wells, have to suck it up till 4th may.

*he left singapore already.
*he left my life already.
*he's gone with the wind already.
my heart's weary, missing a beat every time i look at his picture.
it isn't fair.; but life's not fair.
i hate how this feels. i hate how i feel towards *him.
*he left with just a text. no explanation, just a text at 0659am 9th april '08.
*he had ran away for the past 8 years, till now- its still the same.
oh wells, fate doesn't just drop at our hands just like that.
265 days have come and gone.
19th july '07 till 9th april '08
i'll miss *him.
a whole lot :(

these songs are pretty stuck inside my head.


I just want you close
Where you can stay forever
You can be sure
That it will only get better

You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don't worry 'cuz
Everything's going to be alright
People keep talking they can say what they like
But all i know is everything's going to be alright

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

When the rain is pouring down
And my heart is hurting
You will always be around
This I know for certain

You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don't worry 'cuz
Everything's going to be alright
People keep talking they can say what they like
But all i know is everything's going to be alright

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel

I know some people search the world
To find something like what we have
I know people will try try to divide something so real
So til the end of time I'm telling you there is no one

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh oh


i just cant believe your gone
still waitin for mornin to come
when i see if the sun will rise, in the way that your by my side
well we got so much in store
tell me what is it im reaching for
when we're through building memories ill hold yesterday in my heart
in my heart

they can take tomorrow and the plans we made
they can take the music that we never play
all the broken dreams take everything
just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
they can take the future that we'll never know
they can take the places that we said we will go
all the broken dreams take everything
just take it away, but they can never have yesterday

you always choose to stay
i should be thankful for everyday
heaven knows what the future holds, or least where the story goes
i never believed untill now
i know i'll see you again im sure
no its not selfish to ask for more
one more night one more day one more smile on your face
but they can't take yesterday

they can take tomorrow and the plans we made
they can take the music that we never play
all the broken dreams take everything
just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
they can take the future that we'll never know
they can take the places that we said we will go
all the broken dreams take everything
just take it away, but they can never have yesterday

i thought our days would last forever
but it wasnt our destiny
cause in my mind we had so much time, but i was so wrong
no i can believe that
i can still find the strength in the moments we made
i'm lookin back on yesterday

repeat chorus


I cant get it back, but
I dont want it back, i
Realized that,She dont know how to act
Never been a dumb dude
No im not dense
I just had a slight lack
Of common sense
I was the good guy
She was the bad girl
I'm thinking one girl
She thinking me, earl james and jimmy
Yep she had plenty
But love for me, she didnt have any

I was inviting, her into my heart
But she was out riding in some other man's car
She was my night time, thought I was her star
Guess I was wrong, but see im strong
Wont take me long for me to move on

Please dont worry bout me im fine
(Please dont worry bout me im fine)
Only gonna play the fool one time
(Only gonna play the fool one time)
Trust me when I say
That i'll be ok
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl

I cant get it back, but
I dont want it back, i
Realized that,She dont know how to act
Tried to settle down and look what I get
Thought it was my time, but I guess not yet
She at the bar getting drinks from many men
Im in the house, thinking shes with her girlfriends
Trust not knowing, truly not knowing
I look back now like, man, I was open

I was inviting, her into my heart
But she was out riding in some other man's car
She was my night time, thought I was her star
Guess I was wrong, but see im strong
Wont take me long for me to move on

Please dont worry bout me im fine
(Please dont worry bout me im fine)
Only gonna play the fool one time
(Only gonna play the fool one time)
Trust me when I say
That i'll be ok
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl

The mistake i made is clear
(we never shoulda been together)
Thats the reason youre not here
(I know that I can do much better)
Not a single salty tear
Not a feeling in my chest
Baby im feeling no stress
I'm too fly to be depressed

Go on Girl
Go on Girl
Go on Girl
Go on Girl

Please dont worry bout me im fine
(Please dont worry bout me im fine)
Only gonna play the fool one time
(Only gonna play the fool one time)
Trust me when I say
That i'll be ok
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl

[dreamt `]
at 2:08 PM

Saturday, April 05, 2008
haven't been up for a very long while. no time to be on the computer. heh.
been clubbing quite alot since march.
jenny's birthday to triple treats to eliz's last day to samson's birthday.
i feel the pinch on my liver!

*ouch* and i've thrown up twice.
pain pain pain.
haven't thrown up for a very long time.
lesser to come, i hope.
am officially night shift now.
all the way till 4th may, sighs.
prolly once a week, as promised when azmi's off.
nizan promised, i'll make sure i follow up. heh!

anyways, party at cafedelmar tonight.
2queens, Qtopia party.
from FLY entertainment, yes irene ang's hosting it.
i do hope it'll be good.
we'll see (:

*he's flying off next tuesday already.
i don't exactly wish for *him to return.
yes, i'm being selfish.
but the 9months that i've known *him seems to end so abruptly.
i don't wish to lose it just like that.
sighs. its not fair.
i dunno if *he's coming back.
prolly not, according to *him.
my heart's dreading 9th to come.
what's up with me now?

gotta go work already.

[dreamt `]
at 4:48 PM

Wednesday, March 19, 2008
jenny's birthday tonight.
getting ready to head down to ministry of sound later.
yups, hopefully it'll be fun!

[dreamt `]
at 7:35 PM

Monday, March 10, 2008
my 3 weeks of annual leave+public holidays+medical leave+regular off days have officially come to an end. how fast time flies! suddenly, i feel like i've wasted all these time. on un-necessary stuff.

oh wells, i had a good rest though.
that's the most important thing!

my best friend, alan just passed away.
a freak bike accident.
i only got to know about the accident when i returned to singapore.
just when i touched down to singapore.
i rushed down to the hospital after my lunch and into the intensive care unit.
blk 3A, room 16.
that was the start of my nightmare.
he was in a extremely bad state.
he swelled to twice his size;
severe brain damage, a more-than-broken shoulder bone, broken back, a burst kidney and liver.
i wasn't able to accept his fate; neither could his family.
there i was, standing there in front of him with is mum- crying.
but he wouldn't have felt the pain; his family, his friends were holding back on.
all we knew, he was not out of danger.
he was on life support, hanging on for his life.
2 blood clots in his brain have already consumed him.
my dear friend, was lying in coma- in excrutiating pain that i wouldn't have accepted if i was him.

1st march, 12am.
that was the day he had an accident.
after being in coma for 5days, he passed off on the 5th.
he just left after holding on for 5days.
i wasn't prepared for it; neither were his family. no one was!

the doctors first said it would take about 2weeks for the swell to slowly go down.
another 2-3months for him to wake up.
but, all of a sudden- it became to 1day.
what happened? why was there a drastic change from months to 1day?
heaven knows that i wann this answer so much.
the hospital doesn't have an answer.
the police doesn't have an answer.
the only one who does, is no longer here already.
is there ever gonna have an answer, for anyone of us?

in loving memory of Alan Ng Choon Heng;
11th december 1978- 5th march 2008
had a fruitful and meaningful 29 years of life.

i will always miss you,
my dear friend, my dear brother, my love.

i never liked hospitals. not since i had to endure the times when daddy was admitted.
that was years ago, to be specific- when i was 8years of age.
i hated the visits to the hospital; i hate to see daddy with all the tubes, his swollen legs, the hospital uniform and the smell of disinfectant.
but i loved to visit daddy; i loved to hide below his bed to give him a shock just so he knows his baby girl's here to visit, i loved to lie beside him to a nap, i loved him hold my lil hand wit his big palm.
but all of a sudden, things turned awry.
daddy didn't have much time left in this world, and all of sudden- daddy just left.
i didn't see daddy for the last time, even though mummy told me to look him one last time.
i was afraid, i was angry.
i sat outside at the door of daddy's room, alone.
not willing to accept that he's leaving me alone, and going off alone.
ever since that day, i never enjoyed any trip to the hospital ever again.

enough of upsetting stuff.

went down ministry on saturday, 8th march.
shuffle event; guest deejay anne savage from UK.
it was great (:
i had fun! lots of fun (:
yay (:
i can't wait for the next shuffle event next month.

[dreamt `]
at 8:10 PM

Tuesday, February 26, 2008
be flying off for taiwan tomorrow (:
taipei, here i come! (:

[dreamt `]
at 11:13 PM

Saturday, February 23, 2008
baby turned 22 last night, officially.
with everyone to celebrate with her.

went over to vivocity to meet cynthia 1st. to collect my staff card.
after getting my staff card, it was over to chijmes.
to visit alina (:
had their club sandwich for dinner, and she served me my virgin s'berry blended freeze (:
hmmm, the club sandwich is not too bad; but a tad SALTY yah?
haha! alina was GREAT!
got me another portion of fries to replace, but was still prolly about the same?
haha! i had to shake the individual before i tasted it.
*shakes head* too much salt, no good.
but her company? GREAT!

went down to clarke quay after she was done from work.
it was to THE ARENA (:
ladies 20, guys 22.
oh wells, i even commented to alina-
"i can't remember when was the last time i actually had to pay for cover!"
haha! she and i shared the same thoughts (:

music? pretty messed up.
a jumble of everything, i would say.
the deejay was prolly new, or perhaps not sure of the genre he was playing.
tsk tsk.
house music he said, we looked at each other wondering, "that's what u call house music?"
hip hop music he said, again we questioned "isn't that reggae?"
r&b music he said, once more we questioned "isn't this pop?"
oh wells, u understand what i meant.

john came down from home.
went over to ministry, sneaked out. ha!
but a tad failure, i would say.
axwell was so much better!
or at least, there was the CROWD.
last night? sighs. it looks pretty bare.

went over to lunar to check eelynn out.
was not bad.
stayed outside with her most of the time.
went back to arena to catch up with the rest.
too late; baby girl was pissed drunk already.
she threw up pretty much.
yeah, ray and malik was nice to look after her.
and forcing her to throw it out, everything.
to feel better (:
alina? high. ha! a long time since she felt this way.
me? surprisingly NOT HIGH at all, and surprisingly totally SOBER.
how boring!
after malik sent baby home, the rest of us went in to lunar.
proper HOUSE and TRANCE music!
yay (:
tiesto on the decks! loves (:
a jug of whisky coke and we were having fun at the dance floor (:
yups, fun fun fun!
came out to visit eelynn again.
chat chat chat!
gossip gossip gossip (:

anz had no gum, he finished the last.
adeal (i tink) gave me choco!
yay (:
water parade to keep hydrated.
stayed till lunar closed, which was 6am.
i don't exactly do this THAT often now. ha!

gonna slack now.

[dreamt `]
at 6:35 PM

Friday, February 22, 2008
today's my dearest girlfriend- AIN'S birthday (:
happy birthday to you, my babygirl!
many many happy wishes to you (:

steve mac's spinning tonight.
i hope i'll be able to sneak out over to ministry tonight.
i don't like arena much much :(
dunno why actually.
besides, i think darren's no longer working already.
yups, so how?
have to check with alinah.
our escapade to ministry tonight! haha (:

gotta meet cynthia tonight.
pick my staff card, that is.

gonna slack more.

[dreamt `]
at 4:49 PM

Tuesday, February 19, 2008
hmmm, i had a great time last saturday (:
not much people went thou;
just myself, panxu, jenny and hao!
john was there with his friends to (:

i had loads of fun (:
yups, my first time too.

oh wells, just had my wisdom tooth extracted.
OUCH! it hurt hell lot.
am currently on medical leave, till friday.
but i'll be back at work only on sunday.

i can't wait for friday.
ain's birthday (:
my baby's one year older! yay (:
will be out somewhere.
her call, her choice.

next wed, i'll be flying off for taiwan already.
yups, ticket's been bought.
its already sitting on my table (:

[dreamt `]
at 7:42 PM

Saturday, February 16, 2008
my ankle's getting better (:
it spells good news.
yupz, i'm heading down ministry tmr (:
i'm so gonna make myself comfortable at axwell's event.
yippee (:

anyways, its been confirmed like 85%?
plans have been changed, new-er plans have been made.
i'll be heading down taipei on the 27th and will be back on the 1st (:
i'm finally leaving the grounds on singapore!
i can't wait (:
that is, if mummy books the ticket for me. haha!
if not, i'll be stuck in sunny singapore, once more.
yippee :)

that means, i'll have to be a good girl and inform DEEJAY JASON.
i can't make it for this month's triple treats at pure then.
oh wells, there are still many more to come (:

its pretty set. ticket's at 590SINGAPORE buckeroos, all inclusive of taxes etc.
probably a transit at hong kong as well.
i don't mind (:
i'm going onboard a PLANE to TAIPEI, on my own.
be crashing at cousin's place though.
nice nice!
everything's well taken care of.
only problem?
its currently winter up there.
nevermind! must bring an open-mind.

have to head to bed now.
can't afford to be late, when i'm finally back to work.
i can't wait!

[dreamt `]
at 12:08 AM

Friday, February 15, 2008
how unlucky can one get? i am THE good example of being a tad unlucky this week.

like i blogged earlier, i had high fever the 1st day of my leave clearance. it was all well by the 2nd day but things had to go down the hil for me once again. sighs.

i sprained my ankle. yes, damnit. how clumsy can i get?

now, i'm officially walking with a limp. how interesting to spend my week- at home.

anyways, met up with pek geok, alison and nicholas at mac's this afternoon. limped over like a handicap. damnit. slacked for awhile before i headed back home to laze more.

haha. i like clearing my leave. i get to LAZE. i get to SLEEP IN. i get to be UNTIDY. i'm beginning to like every part of it. other then, my incidents turning into accidents. i realise that i'm a huge danger to myself. oh wells, i carry the name of being one who likes to self-inflict pain anyways. haha. i do hope i get better thou.

tsk tsk. saturday is coming already!! and my feet is bandaged. SIGHS. quite awful to head into ministry with my newly bought boyfriend's shirt, denim skirt, red skinny belt but to end off with a bandage on my right ankle. SHEESH! i'm so disappointed!


i SO don't wish to miss AXWELL, SWEDEN spin at ministry this saturday. can i not wear the bandage? please?? sighs. doctor says i need to cushion my ankle till it gets better. which means i can walk without feeling pain when i apply pressure. sighs. how long will that take me? i AM so pissed for being such a dickhead- why did i have to be THAT clumsy? sighs.

ah, whatever happened has already happened. i can't change that fact, though.

nevermind then.
i'll play my mp3 forward and back many more times then.
how interesting (:

[dreamt `]
at 12:22 AM

Wednesday, February 13, 2008
am finally on my well-deserved break. am officially clearing leave till 1st march (: be working only 2-3 days per week. how nice (:

today's my official 1st day off- but sadly, im NOT FEELING WELL. sighs. running high fever of 38.2degree celsius. how lucky can one get?

oh wells, i'm hopeful that i'll be better by saturday. come saturday down to ministry of sound for axwell, sweden (: sweet sweet!

off to take my medicine now (:

[dreamt `]
at 4:29 PM

Thursday, January 17, 2008
a long while since i last logged in. its close to a month already. wow.

work has been hectic, tired and wearing me off right now. am still working 6 days a week, clocking 60 hours a week. extremely tiring and mentally straining for me. sighs. i've not gotten better ever since falling sick since christmas. symptoms are slightly showing clear signs of improvements but its getting on me that i take at least 2 weeks and more to get better. sheesh. both my hands are still shaking (sometimes, especially when i don't notice), my headache is still not improving, my vision is blurring sometimes. sighs.

i don't wish to see the darn doctor again. i've got too many pills that i just don't wish to finish already. neither do i wish to see the doctor regarding my heart problems as well. sighs.

yes, i don't wish to face the music. not so soon.

i'm currently tired of life now. yes, you've heard me- i'm tired of everything already. 2008 isn't exactly going as smooth as i thought. oh wells, nothing seems to go the right way. i've lost the motion in motivating myself in bringing myself the smile to my face already. there's nothing much to smile about anyways. sighs.

a particular someone surprisingly had the impact to make me cry over him last night. sighs. how ashamed i was, to have dropped tears for him. i couldn't help it. the tears just dropped while i made my way out of sentosa & while i was on the way to ministry of spend the night out. sighs.

i need a break.

[dreamt `]
at 4:58 PM

Monday, December 24, 2007
merry christmas to everyone (:

i'm tired. just got back from work, have turned into extreme workaholic. just so i can settle my bills and my debts. i'm really exhausted. i need a break soon. sighs.

i've been feeling very empty inside these few days. i've no idea why. sighs.
whatever made me feel this way, i really have no idea.

[dreamt `]
at 11:04 PM

Tuesday, December 11, 2007
some updates on my life;

am officially attached now to my baby- shah or toi (his street name)
works as technical/production crew in the theatres at esplanade.
liza's good friend and brother to the clique she hangs out with.
8years difference but really dotes on me.
my staff and girlfriends who have seen him actually likes him,
surprisingly sweet (:

am officially working 6 days a week; extremely tiring.
trying to make ends meet, thus the 6 days.
simply because i'm officially bankrupt.
this is totally upsetting;
i'm only 22 of age but have already turned bankrupt.
sighs, its disturbingly outrageous.
i just work, work and work to clock in as many hours to settle my outstanding bills and debts that will continue to snowball unless its settled as soon as possible.
sighs. it all started with my hardcore partying.
damnit; whenever will i learn from my stupid mistake?
i'll have to hang myself once more if i continue being an idiot when the new year starts.
its not just cutting down of my partying, i need to cut down on my drinking habit.
being an alcoholic in the year 2oo7 has been ugly enough; and i wish to stop it there.
year 2oo8? i'll need to cut down on my hardcore partying and hardcore drinking.
if not, i'll probably have to start saving up to see a specialist for my liver.
that- would be BAD NEWS.

delmar? work has been better; probably a switch of mindset after a brief talk up at mezzanine.
it probably turned for the better a wee bit late; i sadly regret.
i've missed the 1st promotion already,
sighs. i'll have to work even harder now.
sometimes, i question myself if everything's worth it. is everything really worth me fighting for? will it really be endowed as promised if dutifully accomplished?
sighs. i really wonder.
all i can say now, work is my main priority.
assisting my above superiors are my main concern now.
unless i decide to move off somewhere else.
if not, i'll just be good and work my way up this ladder.
the staff of delmar- i will still love (:
i'm already starting to miss my boys who left for home; jeffrey, noel and ronald. not forgetting my sayang, manelyn (:

just past saturday, 8th dec- zoukout.
delmar was closed for business, so we had our 1st official off day on a saturday (:
we had our company dinner at marina south- bbq steamboat. interesting!
everyone had fun (:
everyone headed down to lunar and ministryofsound after dinner for drinks and to party. everyone had fun; i know i had fun too (:

and yes, just some updates on cafedelmar (:
every saturday is bikini foam party!
foam party sessions are as follows; 3pm-6pm & 10pm-late.
1st 100 bikini girls in the pool at 10pm will receive a complimentory drink.
2 bottles russian standard vodka promotion at $238++, 4mixers included (10pm-4am).

on the 31st of december, 2007- join us at cafedelmar for NYE countdown!
count till the last seconds of the year with guest DJ- DJ Flemming & our house DJs- DJ Has & DJ Hong (:
party till sunrise! which means we'll be running 24hours again- back to old days!
tickets are up for grabs,
please do check out the web for more updates.

i'm bored. sighs. my off day is usually spent lazing around back home.
yes, i'm a lazy girl (:
baby's still asleep. he's been working since sunday 12pm and he only ended this morning at 4am. yeah, you heard me right- he worked 42 hours straight.
sighs. poor baby; i can't wait to see him soon (:

i need to get re-organised soon. that is, IF i wann to improve.
so what's my verdict?
i WANN to improve. and yes, i WANN to move up the ladder.
so yeah, i'll have to be good (:

tomorrow's going to be a busy day.
3 different events going on at the same time.
busy busy busy; i like (:
i pray for good weather though!
i'm heading back to laze through the internet now.
chaos (:

[dreamt `]
at 11:17 PM

Monday, November 19, 2007
ladies night on wednesday was fun (:
delmar crew at our sister's outlet- ministryofsound.
a whole lot of us headed down to party the night away.

nadiah, juju, noel & myself- we headed down after work at 2am.
rushed down to clarke quay to meet B1 outside lunar.
we catched up for abit, took a couple of photos before rushing over to ministry where the rest of the delmar crew were waiting.
it just took us 5mins to dump our belongings with iz at main arena before the whole crew rushed up to pure room.
our DJs were battling it out. yay (:
jason, hong and kenneth francis.
has was there too (:
so yeah, delmar crew came to support our delmar DJs.
had alot of fun; especially when drinks were specially prepared by jeff.
whisky coke and vodka redbull juggies i ordered were probably a splash of mixer.
the rest? you guess it- alcohol lethal.
ain and yasmin came up to pure to look for me too.
mashmellow came up too (:
so yeah, all my sweethearts were out to party with me (:

"i can accompany you longer today"
"how come? you're a floater today"
"nopes. new guy today with me at my station"
"i wanna get drunk today"
"haha. okays, den drink up"

we partied till the DJs started to slow down before we all migrated to main arena.
to have more fun (:
wan was partying hard at main arena.
the usual spot, dancing his legs tired.
headed over to smoove later.
had more drinks.
tequila shots and more vodka redbull juggies.
mashmellow & me.
that was the end of me already. haha.

headed over to fashionbar to meet ronald & noel.
said my goodbyes and reminded ronald not to say anything silly before heading off.
bala & me.
knocked out bad.
an early wake-me-up text from mashmellow.
"u okays? feeling better?"
"yeah, feeling abit better"
"you just disappeared. i couldn't find you"
"ha. got sent back home"
"you? drunk?"
"very high. went to eat after work so felt much better. was looking for you to go eat"
"oops. was forced to head back home"
"alrights. you take care okays"
"yups, you too"

sweet sweet sweet.
i spent thurs nursing my hangover.
weekends were spent in delmar- night shift, 5pm-4am.
friday was OKAYS> cause it had the crowd. i like (:
saturday was tad BORING> no crowd.
& besides, i had to look after bernard lim's guest who was supposedly a VVIP.
birthday party.
i was looking forward to people who would spend at least a small bomb?
but it turned out to be kids. sheesh.
20 year old birthday girl's party. how fun.
so i was asked to be on standby at the right jacuzzi. butler service basically.
but they ordered like nothing?
just 2 bottle of vodkas which was apparent they had a problem finishing.

luckily for me, i was like entertainment manager again. hahas!
a mutual friend of mine and adrian was celebrating her birthday at the left jacuzzi.
lay kiang- my classmate & his neighbour (:
nicholas' friend was also celebrating her birthday.
my favorite CSO- farouq came to visit as well. surprise visit! sweet (:
eelynn came. but along with alinah, ain and ray too (:
so basically, i was running around entertaining different groups of people.
i so missed everyone. hah x)
especially farouq- my favourite guy.
we talked about everything & there's so much more to catch up on.
my darlings? they loved delmar. haha x)
told them to come over earlier the next time so we can spend more time together.
yups. i like (:

yay (:
good news.
i'm back in the morning shift.
like finally i can see the sun.
after 2 months of night shift, tad BORING.
i can't wait.

[dreamt `]
at 6:13 PM

Wednesday, November 14, 2007
what do you say to a man when you realised he has betrayed the simple vouch of being trusthworthy? of being honest? of being the man of your dreams? of always being there for you?

nothing at all. tsk tsk.

no words to express my heartfelt pain and disappointment. nothing to cover up the trust that has been torn apart. nothing to replace the trust that has been broken.

"once broken, considered sold"

i now understand how it is like to be betrayed. not once, twice, let's keep it simple- many a times (unpleasantly true). the feeling of being cheated is equivalent to being stabbed a thousand times through your heart, body, mind and soul.

no one expected things to happen. well, at least i didn't. but everything turned out just the way i least expected. either its bad karma or i'm just plain stupid. i chose to believe the latter.

stupidity- i'm one big fool.

i would probably believe what's not to be trusted but not the ones who i should trust.

"what goes around... comes around;" "all good things come to an end"

probably, things wouldn't be that complicated if feelings weren't given a chance to play a part in this fairytale.

men seem to be adament to everything that happens around them. is it because of the simplest idea of men just out to have fun? do guys feel that being in control is a boost in their ego? do guys feel that they have a higher hand to play after having satisfied their lust of new meat?

bastards, i call them- disgustedly.
a wimp not to face reality.

men- they confuse me now.

all of a sudden, they don't interest me like they used to. have i turned skeptical towards all these creatures? probably so. its not hard to imagine oneself strandled alone in the midst of a relationship. anything to leave you alone with no one to turn to. is that a common gesture of an undisciplined ego taking over the lifeless body of a man? perhaps so.

too many men equates to too many problems.

some turn out to be not that nice afterall;
some turn out to be not that lonely afterall;
some turn out to be not that gentlemen afterall;

they always say, "i've nothing to hide"
truth to be told, "i've everything to hide away from my new found meat"

they leave their girlfriends or wives back at home.
they leave their children back at home.
they leave their fatherly image back at home.

it saddens me to know that men treat women as disposable items.

[dreamt `]
at 2:24 PM

Monday, November 12, 2007
how many times in a month do i have to wake up to phone calls that rings in the morning with an upset&crying/angry&uncivilized lady on the other side of the line?

many a times, i supposed.

i need help.

[dreamt `]
at 1:33 PM

Saturday, November 10, 2007
somehow, someway, somewhere- you'll be able to find comfort out of the messed up world that we live in. no matter how hard it seems, that spark of light will always be there. yes, it's probably hidden behind all the masks that i've been wearing everyday. and now, i'm too tired to even don the mask.

perhaps, i've been too busy.
perhaps, i've been too intoxicated to notice.
perhaps, i've always turned a deaf ear to it.
perhaps, i've never learned.

but now, its different.

why do we, woman always be-little ourselves to the faces of men? why do we- woman always follow the footsteps that the men have placed before us? have we not noticed the many times we've been hurt time after time?

yes, the truth hurts. but we've probably forced ourselves to go through the pain of no other because we chose to.

we choose to listen to the sweet nothings that he blabbers.
we choose to believe his explanation of why he never called or why he was late, etc.
we choose to trust him with no fear that he'll one day turn his back on us.
we choose to share with him the most intimate moments in everyday that passes.
we choose to believe that our hearts will beat as one.

cliched as it might sound, its true.
i can vouch for it.
silly as it may be, i was a fool myself.
a fool that no one's word mattered as much as his does.

tears fall uncontrollably when the night forces the lonliness out from you. you shudder at the thought of seeing urself alone in the middle of the night, waking up to still expect to see his body laying beside you. your heart and body yearns for his touch and security, wishing he felt the same. but nothing is forever.

no man will lay his life down with words of wisdom that he'll always put the woman at his priority. no man will hold on to his words of always being there for the woman, no matter how hard or far it is. there is no happy ending to this game called love.

or rather, having skeptically calculated with the drastic numbers of heartbreaks around- the percentage of having found a good man is probably just 3 out of 10(let's not be too mean to the rest of the people out there). but then again, how long or far will these 3 go?

i'm tired of having to be-little my value or dignity towards man anymore.
i'm tired of having to wonder what man wonders anymore.

i look away from those eyes of men, disgusted.
disgusted that they choose to see flesh as new meat or new prey.
disgusted that they choose to feed on their prey to satisfy their lust.
disappointed that we, woman still unknowingly fall into their trap.
i was one.
stupid silly one- having my heart broken, had my mind twisted, had my emotions swinging high&low as if it was a yo-yo.

i've learned my lesson.
i'm moving on.

i know in my heart, there's always people who will love me for who i am and what i am. no matter what happens, they'll be there for me as my bestest friend and will probably never judge me for being an idiot for doing the craziest things i always do. i know they'll hug me and hold my head up and make me repeat that "I LOVE MYSELF MORE".

simply you- my girlfriends.
my loves, my sweethearts <3

[dreamt `]
at 3:03 PM

Monday, October 29, 2007
i got so fucking wasted on wednesday.
yes, i heard you- ladies night.
it was a killer for me.

basically, i was really upset having not heard anything from "lunar".
my whole intention was to get drunk.
simply because i was pissed off;
or rather more of upset and disappointed with everything that happened.

1st, he didn't want to acknowledge the relationship.
2nd, he didn't want me to look for him at lunar.
3rd, he wanted my friends to know him as a "friend".
4th, he didn't want to reply my messages or pick up my calls.
5th, he only wanted to talk to me only on his off day.

somehow, my heart just sank.
i dunno why i bother so much actually.

anyways, headed down to ministryofsound- as planned.
i wanted to get really wasted that night.
but i was really bothered by the fact that he didn't bother, at all.
texts were sent; calls were made.
nothing was answered. not even a single one.
yes, i did drop tears for the "lunar" guy.

sighs, how useless.

i had my first taste of heneiken that night.
i didn't like it.
don't get me wrong- i know its one of the best.
but simply because i don't fancy beer.
but i decided to taste something my "mos" liked.
a beer man, i call. haha:)
everything else came too fast.
tequila shots at the bar.
whisky greentea.
vodka cranberry.
more beer.
vodka rebull.
a mixed jug of something from the clinic boys.
more alcohol from chris and jeff.
more beer again.
that was the start of my downside.

i trust ju, cheryl, vivian and ronald for being my sweethearts.
they were the ones who picked me up, cleaned me up, took care of me.
i was in a mess. a total messed up girl who lost her senses.
i couldn't remember how many times i threw up.
till there was blood.

cheryl and vivian headed into lunar to look for the "lunar" fella.
my heart sank one feet deep when his excuse was literally see-through.
cheryl questioned him; his answer was "sorry, i don't know"
i really don't understand what's going on.
i didn't hear anything from him.
even when i was fucking wasted and drunk outside lunar.
not one text, not one missed call.
even when i got drunk because of him.
silly me, aye?

what about the "mos" fella?
i dunno if i should be happy or upset actually.
he turned out to be the one who cheered me up the whole night.
yes, i actually sneaked out from smoove a couple of times with him.
he came over to where i was in smoove a couple of times.
main arena changed to our party music:)
and we sneaked over a couple of times.
like little kids playing out on the streets after curfews.
we kept our eyes opened for anyone who looked suspicious.
just in case, we get caught. cutsy:)
we even ended up in pure.
our favorite:)
he turned out really sweet. like an ideal guy:)
but sadly not anytime soon or in any future.
he was the one who wanted to look after me when i was really wasted outside.
sheesh, but he was 10mins too late?
i ended up in cheryl's place.
my 2 baobei really looked after me.
super sweet of them:)

yesterday- ministryofsound for nightmare before halloween.
staff gathering.
i had fun.
until "mos" had to text me that his gf gave him yet another surprise visit once more.
sighs. i was disappointed once more.
i didn't bother with him the whole night.
until he texted me like 4-nish?
i was already in the taxi line.
"taxi line. why?"
"so early"
"bored. no one to accompany me."
"stay? club's extending till 6am"
"sighs. ur gf's here seh"
*no reply*

i continued to wait for my cab.
occasionally looking behind me, lunar's backdrop.
john was heading over after work.
i was tempted.
but was still cautious due to the "lunar" guy's existance.
"can i meet you?"
"because i'm just outside"
*no reply*

i gave up.
yati came over to the taxi line.
she ended work at 3am.
we talked about stuff.
everything that happened within this whole week.
how my heart sank. how my eyes watered.
for these 2 guys. "lunar" and "mos"
when suddenly, "mos" fella had to appear.
i was caught speechless.
sighs. until he asked;
"did you see my gf?"
"no. i don't look after her"
"i've got a problem with her"
"what's wrong"
"i can't find her"
"alright, i didn't see her in the queue. if that's what you're asking"
"why you dowan stay till club close? its extended till 6am"
"i know. but there's no company"
"ahem" *looks at himself*
"ur gf's still here"
"text me later"

i headed back.
texted him;
"you didn't have a problem with ur gf because of me right?"
"nopes. don't worry."
"just couldn't find her just now"

disappointment seeped in.
heart sank once again.

i did the dumbest move.
an exact text i sent to "mos"
"just rch home. hope u found ur gf. it kind of sucks always running away from ur gf. i dunno what i am actually. damnit"

don't ask me what got into me.
i've no idea myself.
maybe because like what nadiah said, it seems like the gf knows something?
sighs. its obvious that he's protecting the gf, not me.
all the way from the start.
before everything even started; all the way from delmar.
why did everything turned so wild?
why bother to hold me back when you already have a gf?
you ask me to stay; ur gf's heading back home soon.
you ask me to ignore; ur gf just turned up at the club.
you ask me to wait; ur gf's not around.
what exactly am i to you?

why the hell do i feel so manipulated?
emotionally, mentally and physically crushed.
tired of everything that's going on around me.

i thought i was able to push him to the farthest end of my sub-conscious mind.
i thought i was able to push him away.
i managed to do so; for 62days.
that was when he asked me to leave; something that hurt me badly.
he's turning everything back to square one.
same scenarios, different locations.
no longer at delmar; welcome to ministry- smoove.
i have to learn to let go, i guess.
its hard.
i've to start psycho-ing myself now.

a new wednesday is coming.
yet another ladies night to come.
but this time, with nadiah along:)
we hold each other for strength now.
i hope.
it'll be lunar and ministryofsound on wednesday.
we're going for our rounds of visiting?

i so miss my real self.
have i lost myself already?

[dreamt `]
at 12:41 AM

Wednesday, October 24, 2007
confused over everything around me.
nadiah knows what's going on.
cheryl knows what's going on.
but i don't know what's going on.
perhaps, they understand the situation?
perhaps, i'm trying to numb myself that shit doesn't always happen again?
what goes around comes around?
maybe i'm feeling this way coz i allow myself to feel this cramp.
this cramped up feeling is definitely making me sick.

i would have thought that it would be "mos" who's giving me the headaches.
but surprisingly, its "lunar".
somehow, i probably learned to feel attached to "lunar" already.
and when i learn to feel attached, shit always happens.
i feel skeptical about this mindless game called "love" - simply because its tiring.

physically draining.
emotionally tiring.
mentally tested.
sexually challenged.
simply, everything's put to a test.

the pumping of my heart just tells me that i'm still in the real world.
i'm consciously telling my sub-conscious mind to stop brooding over the matter.
"just forget about it"
"don't get yourself hurt again"

truth usually hurts; it does.
instead of running away, i guess being straightforward is better.
whether there is a 2-way opened door policy, it doesn't really matter now.
running away only just proves likewise to me.

i'm starting to miss him again.

i don't want to be a fool already.
no more of it.
i'm tired already.
it sucks big time.

i'll just do what nadiah said.
my fingers fumble while the letters form into words.
it stopped just exactly when the option states "send"
"message send"

i wonder what he's going to say.
or is he just not going to say anything?


[dreamt `]
at 12:17 AM

Sunday, October 21, 2007
crazy time on wednesday.
off day. spent lazing outside the whole day.
met gerald for dinner at taka, ajisan:)
cheryl and ayu outside L.V.
our baobei, vivian came down to clarke quay too.

macdonald's for cheryl and ayu's dinner.
dessert for both vivian and i.
smoke break for liza baby.
headed over to the bridge to meet ayu's friend.
bottle of absolute blue.
cranberry juice.
cheekily yummilicious:)
even though i'm no vodka drinker.
cause it gives me a headache, especially absolute.

anyways, baby texted where i was.
went over to lunar with vivian on my right and redbull on my left.
vivian wanted to see how baby looked.
cute aye?
hung around for awhile, before we headed over to ministryofsound.
to check someone else out.

smoove was busy.
he came out to chat.
for awhile.
got him a bottle of beer- as promised.
one text came from him that kinda made me down almost instantly.
even vivian felt it.
"my gal fren's here"
my reply?
"okays. guess i'll disappear then"
disappointment seeped in.
i decided to just pass him the beer i promised and bum myself off smoove.
that was the whole intention.
i went up to the bar beside pure.
no idea why. i just felt like it.
i had vodka redbull. extra packs.
i was supposed to feel distracted, when another text came in.
late. very late. as usual. his style.
"nopes. don't leave. she's going off in 10 mins"
"meet me on the 2nd floor. at the bar we had our drinks the 1st time we came"
"i'm here already"
"how did you know i wanted you there?"
"i dunno. i just headed up here"
"okays. wait for me. i'll be there 1.30"
vivian just looked at me, smiled sadly.
i knew what was going through her mind.
she asked me why he was doing all these to me.
i had no answer to her question.
i even had no idea why i still allowed myself to be manipulated.
am i just too deep in this?
he appeared as promised, 1.31am.
he kept tugging and requesting me to head down to main arena.
simply, to dance.
i turned him down. simply because pictures of us having fun just re-appeared again.
even though i thought i've managed to push it to the farthest end of my brain.
but i guess, i still failed.
especially when he held my wrist?
he went back to smoove, after visiting me upstairs.
i asked him,
"has your girlfriend really went home?"
"actually, i dunno"
"i'll see you later? come over smoove look for me okays?"
i decided to head back to the bridge to look for cheryl and the rest of the crew.
accidentally bumped into a girl on the way out.
near the bag collection point.
while i was apologizing, i turned to see who exactly i bumped into.
it was his girlfriend's friend.
she was directly opposite me.
i headed for the exit almost immediately.
don't ask me if she saw me, or rather if she recognize me.
i've no idea.
i would just say, my heart sank one foot deep.
more drinks were drowned down.
i found out another secret as well.
i dunno if i should be happy or upset.
apparently, i'm not me on his phone.
i'm a fiction person on his phone.
a guy, in fact.
now i understand why i need to label him "bro".
vivian asked me who i really like.
i've no idea.
she'll smile, look at me and ask,
"mos or lunar?"
"i dunno"
"i think you like mos"
"your feelings tells it all"

perhaps, you're right vivian.
but i've to let him go.
time to come.
his answer or reply?
"a girlfriend who really really loves me- for 4yrs already"

whatever the case.
i think i need to learn to start putting the new kid in lunar before mos.
but then again.
he's behaving slighly like zai?
perhaps, because of the working hours.
yet another workaholic?
plainly because he does night shifts.
10pm-6am. 6 days a week.
i'm starting to miss him already.

i need to start counting my sheeps already.
nights to all, my love:)

[dreamt `]
at 12:16 AM

Friday, October 12, 2007
a mess for all to see.

out partying on wednesday. ladies night.
with my baby- liza.
kid, wan and koko was with us as well :)
i had fun with wan.
back to old times.

mashmellow was around.
we slacked together.
he smoked, i had my fair share of smoke- passively.
i actually texted him.
that i missed everything between us.
whatever made me do that.
i've no idea.
perhaps, because i had him in full view in front of me while partying?
wan was behind me and he was in front of me.
lost? confused?
yeahs, a whole lot of mixed feelings.
but, seriously- i do miss him.
from gossipping in his amp room, to laying on his chest at the beach chilling.
i dowan to think about it already.
just makes me miss him more.

made new friends at lunar.
while visiting my dearest- yati.
took lots of photos:)
i can't wait to see em.
cause my camera's still with yati.
ah wells.

new kid on the block.
from lunar.
can't wait to see him soon.

yati's birthday.
gay night?
i miss some people already:)


[dreamt `]
at 2:17 PM

Saturday, October 06, 2007
off on monday.
i had no idea what to do. sighs.
met up with eelynn, town-ing.
what we do best:)

slacked around town till about 10-nish before heading over to lunar.
along with elizabeth and vivian.
melvin was there, again.
got eelynn her job:)
dominic was nice to do the interview- immediately.
babe's got her job at ministryofsound now.
officially a lifebrandz chic now.

"i/c please."
"no entry."

had a wee bit more of martell and tattinger champagne downed my throat.
drinking continuously for 2 days.
meeting melvin and jerry- that's the end.

pool and bowling on tuesday.
kim seng and marina south.
elizabeth and elvis.
yes, don't look at me weird.
li jun and xu fang came as well.
so yeah, not just the 3 of us.
yups, fun.
skin of my fingers split.
dry and cracked.
thanks to bowling.

km8 on wed morning with cheryl.
it looked like another island. nice:)
scorching sun.
beautiful scenery.
quiet. peaceful.
we had fun- cheryl and me.
finger food and our drinks- daiquiri and margaritas:)
work at 5pm was boring.
lunar and ministry, after work.
which was like 3am?
yes, that's what you call a party animal.
i get that really often.
my body's physically breaking down.
i know it cause i can feel it.
oh wells, i'll just fake it through.

headed down delmar thurs early.
tanning in delmar was illegal- so i had to sneak.
caught in the act.
requested to work.
oh wells, i could head off early plus get my tan at the same time.
bonus time.
headed over to clarke quay after work.
alco-pops to thirst my throat.
ended back in town- balcony.
with whyte&mackay13yrs on my laps.

fridays&saturdays will be burnt at work.
5pm till 4am.
actually, once in a while isn't that bad.
keeps my pocket heavier for that week.
just that it'll be spent more freely when the next week comes.

i can't wait for sunday.
off to km8 with the girls.
tanning session plus massive gossip session.
heading down stjames in the night.
i need to get insured for my liver- SOON.
in case of any liver failure, will i get compensation?

'm confused with the people around me.
are they who they really are?

[dreamt `]
at 2:49 PM

Monday, October 01, 2007
last night was dangerous, yet fun.
haven't been at st.james for at least a month plus.
so coming back to my playground was feeling slighly un-familiarly familiar.

fabulous sunday.
gay night.
yes, the door "bitch" was not adrian or samuel last night.
someone else.
cute. ha.
did a silly survey with him.
funny, when i had 8 others with me.

oh wells, my clique of friends.
party crazy friends.
cafedelmar & wheelockcrew.
my sweets:)

welcome party back to st.james.
starting drinks with juggies 1st.
free-flow of candyfloss and popcorn.
cause it was carnival party for fabulous:)

lawrence and adam was at intro bar.
both were fed candyfloss by me, while they fixed my drinks:)
someone had his fair share of flirting with my bartenders o.0
naughty naughty.
but den again, he bought me drinks.
so, thankyewverymuch:)

tequilashots were shared.
juggies were shared.
photos were taken with love:)

welcome party was definitely not that-welcoming afterall.
had one too many drinks.
from one table to another.
cafedelmar to wheelockcrew.
i was entertainment manager. ha.

busy busy busy on the phone.
disappointing that it wasn't baby.
sighs. as usual- it never seems easy to get him anyways.
its like he's never available.
oh wells, i'm tired.
maybe cause of the age difference?
i've no idea.
anyways, it was newurbanmale on the phone.
whole night.
till i fell asleep.
yeaps, accompanion on text.
how interestingly innovative.

be going down lunar tomorrow.
with elizabeth and i dunno who else.
not sure which prc be going down tomorrow as well.
hopefully, i'll be able to keep my liver sane tomorrow.
if i continue drinking this manner, my liver's gonna hate me deep.
i was supposed to be good.
its the fasting month aye.
i actually managed to fast for 2weeks plus and darn, came lunar.
forced throats at lunar broke the fasting month for me.
and since its been broken, its all the way out.
dangerous-ly insane.
i should be good. stop for one week.
at least.
my resolution always seem to be broken.
where's my discipline?
better keep my resolution of heading back to school by march still intact.
i should stop procrastinating so much.

by 2oo8;
by march- be enrolled into school.
'm still in dilemma if i should do full-time or part-time.
by june- be enrolled into driving school.
'm still in dilemma if i should do school or private.
by june- should have upgraded my position (IF i'm still in delmar)
by june- OR should have fucked off from sentosa.

i'm a procrastinator.
why am i still goofy about it?

i need a life.
of my own.
'm being skeptical on how this will be; baby and me.
will it even last?
'm getting tired already.
seems like i've lost my will to carry on?
maybe cause we dunno each other well enough.

enough said.
gonna head out.

[dreamt `]
at 3:07 PM

Tuesday, September 25, 2007
am staying in delmar now.
no word of transfer- as yet.

but i guess i'll be staying?
for good?

at least, at the moment.

[dreamt `]
at 12:13 PM

Monday, September 24, 2007
i spent 2 days thinking what i really wanted. in delmar.
if it was still worth to stay or to just drop the letter to the managers.
i decided to choose the former, to stay in delmar.
accept the offer and stay on till end of the year.

i wanted to prove to the rest that i wasn't any pushover.
i wanted to prove to the rest that i was worth the pennies they were paying me.
i wanted to prove to the rest that i am able to work.
i wanted to prove to the rest that i want to win this race.

return to delmar was like a start anew.
but things turned drastically- threehundredsixtydegree turn.
i've been transferred.
noneotherthan- lunar.

i talked, asked questions and thought ALOT.
finally, i accepted the transfer.
wells, i have to. i can't say no to the transfer.
i'm so gonna miss delmar, awholeLOT!

the first step into the construction site>15th january2007
the first day it opened the doors>19th january2007
our first big event>10th march2007
the first day transfered to the beach>16th april2007
the crazy staff party>27th august2007

anyways, i'll probably need to get a day job den.
at least, i can save up abit.
IF i manage to psycho myself into enrolling into school early next year.

someone has offered me to join them.
higher income than that of delmar.
i've no idea.


[dreamt `]
at 12:44 AM

Wednesday, September 19, 2007
i'm tired.
i'm upset.
i'm demoralised.
i'm screwed up.
i'm basically, fucked up.

work has been fucking unenjoyable since staff party.
everything's screwed up.
i don't see why anyone still enjoys work.
other den the international staff.

tsk tsk.

the team should be working together- finding ways to perform better.
not, always out there to pick on people- breaking them down.

i'm tired of everything.
i so wann to leave.
but den again, being the stubborn me- if i throw my resignation letter, its just showing them that i agree to them about being a loser.

i wann the LAST laugh, not them.

even zai asked me to leave the company.
i dunno.

he says its gonna be bad-
for health,
for wealth,
and for the relationship.

tink he meant the relationship btw me and the management.

wells, they're out to cut me now.
so what else is there which they won't do?
my reputation's fucked up by them already.

i need to get more chocolates.

to feel better.

[dreamt `]
at 12:05 PM

Saturday, September 15, 2007
the heart's failing.
the mind's waivering.
the body's weakening.

the time's ticking faster than i count my 1,2,3.
i don't have a ticket to go back time.
i don't have a time machine to turn back time; turn back whatever happened.

i'm beginning to hate myself for being a STUPID fool.
its all too late to regret now.
i swore to carry the consequences on my own.
i swore to not let him carry the burden.

can i say, i swore too early?
its all too late to regret now.

pills popped; once again.
wrist slit; once again.

mind's blank. here i lay on my bed; unwilling.
unwilling to let go.
unwilling to give in.
unwilling to break free.
unwilling to understand.
unwilling to forgive.
unwilling to forget.

the tears just drop uncontrollably.
i thought you said you'll be there to catch me fall.
i thought you said you'll be there to catch my tears.
i thought you would be there for me.
as my best friend.
as my brother.
as my mentor.

i thought wrong.

why hold me and tell me about life?
why show me how to open my eyes?
why led me on?

at the end, i'm still the biggest fool.
because i'm unable to make myself hate you.
because i'm unable to make myself let go.
because i'm unable to make myself walk away.
because i'm still uncontrollably crying over you.
because i'm unable to blame you.

i hate myself for loving you.
i hate myself for letting myself go in this deep.

you turned your back.
you walked away.
i don't need to turn away; because you'll never see the tears that fall for you.

these songs are so getting into me;
tears fall again.
where have you gone, this time?

"Don't Speak"

You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always I really feel
That I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

Our memories
Well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening
As we die, both you and I
With my head in my hands
I sit and cry

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

It's all ending
I gotta stop pretending who we are...
You and me
I can see us dying...are we?

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't tell me cause it hurts!
I know what you're saying
So please stop explaining

Don't speak,
don't speak,
don't speak,
oh I know what you're thinking

And I don't need your reasons
I know you're good,
I know you're good,
I know you're real good
Oh, la la la la la la La la la la la la

Don't, Don't, uh-huh
Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush don't tell me tell me cause it hurts
Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush don't tell me tell me cause it hurts

"Bukan Cinta Biasa"

Begitu banyak cerita
Atas sebab ada duka
Cinta yang ingin ku tulis
Bukanlah cinta biasa

Dua keyakinan beza
Masaalah pun takkan sama
Ku tak ingin dia ragu
Mengapa mereka selalu bertanya

Cintaku bukan di atas kertas
Cintaku getaran yang sama
Tak perlu di paksa
Tak perlu di cari
Kerna ku yakin ada jawabnya...ohhh

Andai ku bisa merubah semua
Hingga tiada orang terluka
Tapi tak mungkin,
Ku tak berdaya
Hanya yakin menunggu

Janji terikat setia
Masa mengupas segala
Mungkin dia kan berlalu
Ku tak mahu mereka tertawa

Diriku hanya insan biasa
Miliki naluri yang sama
Tak ingin berpaling
Tak ingin berganti
Jiwa ku sering saja berkata..ohh

Andai ku mampu mengulang semula
Ku pasti tiada yang curiga
Kasih kan hadir
Tiada terduga
Hanya yakin menunggu

Cintaku bukan di atas kertas
Cintaku getaran yang sama
Tak perlu di paksa
Tak perlu di cari
Kerna ku yakin ada jawabnya...ohhh

Andai ku bisa merubah semua
Hingga tiada orang terluka
Tapi tak mungkin
Ku tak berdaya
Hanya yakin menunggu

Diriku hanya insan biasa
Miliki naluri yang sama
Tak ingin berpaling
Tak ingin berganti
Jiwa ku sering saja berkata..ohh

Andai ku mampu pulang semula
Ku pasti tiada yang curiga
Kasih kan hadir
Tiada terduka
Hanya yakin menunggu

[dreamt `]
at 12:09 AM

Wednesday, September 12, 2007
tired. haven't had a good rest for the past whole week. imagine having just less than 10 hours of sleep for the past 4days. sheesh!

no wonder, i'm nursing a stupid flu and fever now.

anyways, i finally got my stupid resume updated.
i'm still contemplating aye.

next week, we're gonna start our long-awaited 5days week.
is it too late to make improvements now?
trying hard to keep all the lingering staff now?

i wonder.

my head's hurting like hell.

thursday's the start of fasting month already.
i think i should fast as well. hah.
might as well, since no one seems to actually notice that i'm chinese.
how interesting after you get over-tanned.
so the saying goes-
"once you get black, you cannot get back."
how true.
tsk tsk.

maybe have my last night of partying before i end it for one month?

we'll see.
a sick person wouldn't EXACTLY be able to enjoy herself.

unless i've got the moving crowd.

[dreamt `]
at 12:57 AM

Tuesday, September 04, 2007
life's complicated now.
i chose this path myself.
so whatever consequences, i'll handle it on my own.
if it ever backfires, i'll answer it on my own.

i don't wish to run away now.
its too late to run away from reality already.
whatever happened, happened with and for a reason.

i'll just have to learn it the hard-est way.
i never seem to NOT get into any sticky situation.
i never seem to NOT make myself get hurt.


my hand hurts.
its probably a slight infection.
oh wells, an expected answer for doing something stupid.

i am who i am.
i wann to stay this way.

in the dark. yes, i know i'm being a fool.
the biggest fool, i must add.
but i've lost control already.

i've lost my head, my mind and my heart.
i wann to leave.
my body's willing; but not my heart and my mind.
my tears drop un-controllably.
i wann to turn my back away from the pain.
i wann to walk away and not let the tears be realised.
i wann you this way.

just let me be the biggest fool.
the biggest fool who knows that she's being fooled.
the biggest fool to continue being a fool.
the biggest fool to be manipulated foolishly.
the biggest fool who still wants to be treated as a fool.
the biggest fool who have fallen foolishly deep.
the biggest fool to still stay in that mess.
the biggest fool who deserves more than this trouble.

i just said- i AM the biggest fool.
so sue me; if you're unhappy.
tsk tsk.

let me stay?
in this foolishly naive world of mine.
*tears fall once again.
*it hurts THAT bad.

[dreamt `]
at 12:14 AM

Wednesday, August 22, 2007
let me tell you a story.

one day, boy went for an event. it was a whole day event, from day to night. "an outdoor event- it should be interesting:)" the boy thought. first person that caught his eye when he just came to work was girl, wearing black glasses. one glance, second glance- that was all. "that is what i call tanned legs. let me try and get her attention during the day." boy walked around where the girl worked, trying to get her attention. but sadly, he failed. in the evening, another girl came up to boy and asked for his number. he gave his number and decided to forget about the girl but concentrate on his work. boy found it hard and decided to walk around the girl's workplace again. boy looked around and spotted her at work. black glasses and tanned legs. event ended. boy received a text from a girl who asked for his number. but boy left without asking the black-glasses' girl her number. he lost his chance.

one day, girl went to work with her black glasses- for a change. an outdoor event at night, but setup of the place in the day. first person that caught her eye. boy with black shirt and berms carrying the equipments. "cute. possible eye candy for the day:)" the girl thought. work started for her and she concentrated on her work, occassionally looked around to see if she could spot the guy. girl lamented to her cashier about the guy. work as per normal. before the event started, the cashier was on her way out from work-spotted the guy and decided to take his number for the girl. she returned happy for the girl but the girl was pretty shocked. especially when the event haven't started. after the event, girl finally texted the guy.

girl missed her last transport.
boy offered to send her back. "its on the way" boy said.

finally they met, face-to-face.
girl smiled.
boy smiled.

it turned out that the girl who took his number was the black-glasses girl:)

he sent her back. but they chatted all the way till there was first sign of sunshine.
"will i see you again?" boy asked.
"sure." girl replied.
"i'll text you:)" boy smiled.

unexpected things always happen.

p/s: i'll let you hold my hand; just so we can walk next to each other:)

[dreamt `]
at 11:42 AM

Friday, August 17, 2007
life's a mess right now.
i'm one extremely confused child.

stuck in between.
no idea what i should do.
to turn left.
or right.

spent a bomb today.
retail therapy always works.
even though it'll seriously burn a hole in my wallet:)

i would just conclude that i nearly spent close to 1k today.
but because I'M SPECIAL- it was reduced to just 500bucks.
which is still ALOT. considering the 2 zeros behind that 5.
but i saved half of what i could have spent.

oh wells.
i'm getting old-er soon.

not exactly a good sign.
because i STILL dunno what i wann.

last but not the least, myself?

i'm confused with everything that's happening around me.
the world's spinning too fast now.


i can't wait for my birthday week.
i wanna go out:)

someone special:)
my girlfriends:)
my minahs:)
my darling:)
my sweethearts:)

so many appointments:)
so little time!

i need a break soon.
to clear my head.


can you not play with matters of the heart?

[dreamt `]
at 1:30 AM

Thursday, July 26, 2007
i'm tired of everything already.
i'm seriously tired of living now.

i've lost too much of myself within this month.
emotionally. physically. mentally.
i've lost everything in an instance.
i don't even know why i would be such an idiot.

surprisingly, i've stayed sober for the past 3weeks.
but its not making me a happier girl ;(
its making me more lonely each day.

i'm standing outside the door of happiness.
but i'll never be able to enter.
i don't see the door knob.
but i'll never ask where it is.
i'll probably walk away.
and never realise that all i had to do was just give the door-a push.

these days have made me lost sight of what i truly wanted.
i go through the days in slow motion.
hoping that if the slower i moved, time would probably play a part as well.
but i was wrong.
time fast forward without even informing me.
now, i'm left alone at the end.
in the dark.

no one to hold.
no one to call my own.

i've been silly.
now i've lost my soul that night.
i lost everything that night.
when i agreed to follow.
now its all too late to regret.
whatever happened once, happened twice, happened thrice, etc.

what have become of me?
i lost myself in the midst of silliness.
i can't cry out no more.
i can't smile out no more.

no more treating me nice.
no more making me feel warm.
no more letting me feel safe.
no more trying to touch my heart.

at the end, i'll still lose.
my heart's been shattered too many times to even be pieced back.
my body's been too broken to even be nursed back.
my mind's been too twisted to even think straight.

i don't wish to live anymore.
i wish to end this pathetic life of mine.

booze and pills don't make me happy anymore.
or rather, i've forgotten how happiness tasted anymore.

why do everyone just make use of me?
why do everyone just toy my feelings?

maybe, its me.
i'm the silly one.

silly enough to listen.
silly enough to believe.
silly enough to trust.

the bond's been broken. twisted apart.

//tears dropped nonchalently.
//no strength to wipe them away.
//my body's too bruised already.
//like a battered dog left out on the streets.
//whimpers and cries.
//scars that hide every story.
//shield my eyes from the pain.
//just let me go.
//away for this world anymore.
//let me go to the faraway place.

i want to end it all.
before i turn another year older.

i feel my heartbeat beating slowly now.
my heart's probably losing faith as well.
its not pumping as fast as the blood leaving the host.
i guess its tired of all the burden around as well.

my hands shaking now.
i wann to leave.

without anyone to bother me.
without anyone to disturb.

my days are numbered.

before anything does happens; it'll be nice to tell the people around me how much i feel for them.
i'll just cut things short. time is running up already.

peksy/alison: the 2 of you have been my best friends for the past 5-8 years. i learnt to look on the brighter side of life, i learnt to look upon my friends when i needed them, i learnt to share my thoughts with the outside world, etc. you 2 have brought me to understand what true friendship really means. i miss our little hangouts, chilling out each others' place. i miss having our little makan sessions. imagine the amount of calories we put on everytime we head out for dinner, but its all worthwhile:) our chats about work, school and boys, etc. thank you for always being there for me.

ain/alinah/yasmin/xiaohui: the girls who's always been there even after i disappointed you guys, time and time again. the girls who are always there to cheer me up with their silly tactics that sometimes make me wonder why i frown at the beginning. the ones who made working life a breeze which made staying at the job even longer when i seriously started to destest it. i miss that christmas eve/or was that new year's eve- where we sat below wheelock and had fun. i miss my last day where we turned wheelock into a mess, cleared it up, and pretended nothing ever happened that particular night. i miss having leftovers with the mtv blasting at its highest volume. thank you for everything that you guys have given to me. the bestest girlfriends to have to go clubbing. i miss that too.

my family: i've lived up to 21 years of age. done nothing right from the start. nearly caused the family to break up because of me. nearly caused my siblings to lose the mother after losing the father. rebellious at heart and stubborn at mind. never did well with grades and never had a good reputation in school. shame was all that i had. but i accepted it because i chose that. i never enjoyed having a family without a father. yes, i've been selfish because i've spent a couple more years that the rest of my siblings. but because i did, i hated him for leaving me. why didn't he just take me away with him on that day when he layed on the hospital bed in pain? it changed my heart on how i looked at people. from that very day. i never liked hospitals since. i stay out from the house because i don't like being in it. i'm the black sheep of the family already. so counting me out, wouldn't matter to me. it hurts to sit together but we discuss nothing. maybe because we're all growing up differently. i know i am. i'm broken inside wild outside. i hate myself. alot. but then again, i thank you guys for having to take all my nonsence for the past 21 years. you've done great.

i'm hating myself every bit.
slowly. slowly.
i wann to let go of everything and be free.

can i go to the faraway land that people always talk about?
i'm tired already.
too strained now.

i wann to pack my bags and leave.
my heart's feeling cold now.
but i can't find the tears anymore.

[dreamt `]
at 11:35 PM

Wednesday, July 18, 2007
tired of everything- family, work, friends, relationships, finance, materials and myself.
bascially my whole life.
yes, my blackandwhite life.

i've lost all the colours in my life.
i wonder where it all went. down the drain, i supposed.

i find solitude from lonliness.
traded my toys for boys. but i never always seem lucky.
lost myself in the midst of whirling around- looking for directions.

popping might be another alternative again.

drinking myself drunk is so unhealthy.
drink, drank and getting drunk.
as usual.

i need a body check up soon.
my body seems to be breaking down.

something seems wrong?
i just realise that the bruises are SO obvious la.

i can't wait for tonight.
i pray i don't get wasted again.

i need to learn to enjoy myself again.

[dreamt `]
at 3:32 PM

Tuesday, July 17, 2007
bintan was a waste of time, effort and money.

i'll not return there again. it'll be the last place i'll wann to go.

have packed my baggage and left them all back in bintan.
some stuff are preferably left as it is.
too much emotional baggage just keeps weighing me down.

i'm tired already.
i'm super weak la.
the bruises just refuses to go.
considering how tan i am now, its still fucking obvious.

anyways, lots of rules back in del mar now.

product description.
staff's "speech".

oh wells.

keeps me busy.
dowan to think of stupid things at the moment.
makes my head spin everytime i think.
makes me just feel like popping pills once again.

but then again, the foaming portion wasn't fun at all.
makes me weak in the knees.
likes its gonna pop any moment.
throwing up?
used to it already.
i think?!
cause i've been wasted like every week.

i wonder how my liver looks now.
bad shape, i supposed.

what else do i expect if i don't enjoy liquor?
i drown myself with liquor instead.
to numb and ease that fucking pain.
a burning sensation always.

i miss my tequila shots.
i miss my whisky coke.

chivas. grey goose. jose crevos. moet chandon.
oooh, sexy.

i can't wait for wednesday.
ladies night.
once more.
with ma crew.
the del mar gang.
off to jolly at our sisters' outlet:)

yet another session to drown myself again.
like always.

tsk tsk.

[dreamt `]
at 12:14 AM

Saturday, July 07, 2007
i can't wait :)

[dreamt `]
at 11:46 PM

Sunday, July 01, 2007
i hate myself.

everything about myself, i detest.

my nonsense.
my nonsense.
my nonsense.

i'm tired.
of living already.

i'm counting my days now.
on how long i'm going to keep sane.

i'm tired of wearing that fucking mask everyday.
i don't enjoy it at all.
no, not one bit.

i'm tired already.
the world surrounding me has crashed at top speed.
its getting dimmer and dimmer.
i'm losing the colors around me.
its like a black&white television now.

how tad boring.

my hands keep shaking. i dunno why.
i wonder if its bcoz of what i took just now.


this sucks.
big time!

[dreamt `]
at 12:45 AM

Monday, June 25, 2007
i'm fucking tired of everything.


i can't be bothered now.

[dreamt `]
at 11:29 PM

Saturday, June 23, 2007
back again. sneaked up once again. one lesson is not enough. haha.

can't wait for the 4th of july :)
out to have fun again!

it's party time :)

going bintan for a short trip.
relax relax relax.

i need that. badly.

i can't wait :)

[dreamt `]
at 12:15 AM

Saturday, June 16, 2007
not feeling well today. been feeling like throwing up since last night. sighs.

not a good sign.
i've not had a hangover(i think) that's SO long!

went out to st.james with the girls on wednesday. eelynn, alinah and ain :)
ladies night.

as usual. drink, drank and got drunk.
wasted wasted wasted.

i had double shots and 2 glasses for every coupon i used.
i had hell lot of drinks that night.
whisky coke.
whisky dry.
tequila shots.
vodka orange.
vodka cranberry.

no wonder i got wasted.
anyone would.

awi and adam was nice :)

[dreamt `]
at 10:39 PM

Saturday, June 09, 2007
haven't been up for ages. been busy with work and more work.

yes, i've turned into a serious workaholic. and i'm having worries now. doubting my capabilities now. sighs. i'm not sure if i'm slogging for the right reason. it seems as though i'm officially signed on with lifebrandz- del mar. haha. seems like national service to me.

anyways, i've worked too hard. i need a break now.

away from work.
away from work.
away from work.


anyways, i've officially turned "roasted". thanks to the heat at del mar. now, i'm like minah already la. i've got guests who bet if i'm chinese or malay. like what the hell?!

but i'm fine. haha. other den when i see myself stark naked den. its like me wearing a white tee shirt. sighs. its quite stupid and silly looking la.

but what the hell?
i'm fine man.

i've been catching up with him again. things are probably gonna start like it used to. i hope so. past will always be the past. the times back at wheelock would prolly be the times i'll definitely miss. but i guess, sweet memories don't come so often. if not, it'll not be called- sweet :)

anyways, we'll have to start slow this time. with lots of care and caution now. i guess we've both grown up- one way or another.

i wanna go sing KAROKE la!!!

when the hell will i have time? i should spend time on things i'll prolly enjoy more than just clubbing. sighs. my life just revolves around work and clubbing now. which is BAD! cannot make it a habit sia.


but i enjoy the night scene now. haha.

i should try not to get wasted anytime soon.

*crosses fingers*

[dreamt `]
at 11:22 PM

Monday, May 28, 2007
its been ages since i've not blogged.

been many ups and downs. loads of it to actually fill my life now.

work has become the biggest factor in my life now.
yeah, i'm a workaholic.

it kind of helps especially when you don't wish to think of distracting stuff. makes you occupied. well, it did. until recently.


i'm burnt out already.
i need a break.


[dreamt `]
at 8:20 PM

Wednesday, May 02, 2007
its all set.

fabulous sunday.
hot babes and hunks.


i'm gonna drink and get pissed high this sunday.
with all my beautiful people around me.

it doesn't matter if i get drunk now.
really. heh.

i need a break.
from work.
my baby.

i'm sorry baby.
just leave me now.

we're quits from now on.

its better now than later.
if not, you'll be hurt even more.

it'll hurt much more knowing that i'll hurt you deep one day.
so its the time now.

spread your wings and fly away.
find somewhere better.
and someone better.

i know i've been a bitch to ditch everything just like this.
but its better this way.
your life will be much better.

i promise?

leave me alone.
i'll dig my own grave.

i need a hug.

\\i dig sexy love.

[dreamt `]
at 9:43 PM

Monday, April 30, 2007
i need my own space.
i need my own life.

i dowan anyone to control me.

i hate it!

i don't like to be questioned.
i don't like to hear the same thing repeatly.
it irritates the hell out of me.

i wann a life of my own.
i wann a like i can call my own.
no one to control it.
no one to be in this life of my own.

i stand alone and i fall alone.
i dowan anyone to help me out.

yes, i'm being selfish.
but i just wann to be alone.

for now.
i don't know how long it'll take.
but just leave me alone.

leave me out to die alone.
i need peace.

i think i'm having a mental breakdown.

just leave me alone.

[dreamt `]
at 7:26 PM

Wednesday, April 11, 2007
its been a long time since i dropped online.

i'm shagged. just came back from dinner with the wheelock family. was lily liang's birthday today. rushed down after work.

i'm bushed. gonna slp now.

gotta wake up early to sun tan tmr.
my off day :)

[dreamt `]
at 12:43 AM

Friday, March 16, 2007
its been some time since i last logged in.

many things happened. unpleasant really. hurtful words were exchanged and physically, both hearts were torn in the midst of all the confusion.

my heart longs to feel the warmth and love again. but i guess, its difficult to pretend that nothing actually happened between us. i know the other party is willing to give love again, to start over again. but i guess, the heart's not willing at the moment. probably start afresh and try touching my heart again.

i know i've been very mean. but the heart hurts every time my eyes linger on him another second longer. i'm not willing to accept everything that is going between us. a fairytale i always thought it would be able to create was dashed by our own hands. he always said there was no fairytale in reality. yes, i was stubborn. i rather naively believed that there was a fairytale for us to create. but i guess, i was wrong.

now, he wants to create the fairytale i longed from the start. is it already all too late?

i'm lost and confused myself. i miss the attention i had from him before. now, its all different.

the world has changed. he's changed.

i've changed.

i guess the world is moving too fast for us to catch up. its best to leave the burden behind.

sighs. my heart's still willing. although, afraid to accept.

[dreamt `]
at 3:28 PM

Friday, March 02, 2007
i'm bored. baby started work yesterday. his first day. he felt very laid-back, i guess. afterall, it was raining the whole day. i had only 15 walk-in customers for the whole lunch period. how interesting!

anyways, alison came down to visit. she was on her way to dolphin lagoon after her virgin trip to underwater world. so she decided to pop by with jeremy and friends. how nice :)

was supposed to meet yanti up for dinner but was cancelled last minute. so plans were changed and i met alison instead. had pastamania at plaza singapura and chatted quite alot. interesting exhanges were made. i'm contemplating between E65 and K800i right now. we'll see about that soon.

went back to cafe del mar after dinner with alison. dropped by powerhouse to look for lawrence but surprisingly, he was posted to movida last night. adam was on duty at alfreso instead. passed adam the cheesecake to pass it to lawrence and he passed me the perfume which he actually gave last wednesday. nice scent :) paul smith!

going to go work soon. working at 5 later. hopefully, i'll be able to see aric later.

[dreamt `]
at 1:00 PM

Saturday, February 17, 2007

happy new year to all :)

this kind of sucks. i was last informed that we'll be opened 24hours for the next 3 days. so yeah, we've opened friday 24hours and it'll last till tuesday 1am. ouch!

consider it being the chinese new year weekend, which means its a long weekend again- who comes out during the festive period? most people will be out visiting. anyways, schedule's out already. am working graveyard this weekend.

anyways, i'm pretty pissed off with the people. i didn't receive last month's pay. how sucky can that get? i realised it was because they actually lost my application form. wow! how interesting! now i can see how efficient the human resource department works. sighs. nevermind that i didn't receive my january's pay. they said we'll be having an advance for chinese new year- yes, only for the chinese. i didn't receive any as well. what the fuck is this supposed to mean? it sucks big time man! i'm so gonna grab one of them later and ask what's going on. fuck man! how in the right mind do they want people to slog so hard without even planning to feed thou?

tsk tsk.

back to basics. happy stuff.

ain's birthday's next thursday. hmmm, we're planning to head down early on wednesday to beat the cash- go around the ladies night to get free entry and drinks. save much on cash. especially when we're all broke but still wanna party. hahaha~ how dumb can we get?! oh wells, beats more than sitting around chilling without any booze :) wheelock's chalet on sat-mon, 24th-27th. be joining them on sunday instead. cool~

sighs. gonna go back to my reunion dinner :)

[dreamt `]
at 7:48 PM

Sunday, January 28, 2007
sobs sobs sobs.

i missed the chivas function yesterday. had to stay in sick due to an mc. sighs. actually, i didn't want to see the doctor. but after having blood when i coughed- that made me weak in my knees already. i had to see the doctor, whether i liked it or not. the nausea feeling of having blood forced out everytime i coughed kind of horrified me. so i got my mum to pick me up and was rushed to see the doctor at midnight, just after my work.

only at the doctor's did i know that i'm having all sorts of illness because of one major problem. all i have to do is to eradicate that problem, and everything will be solved. my wisdom tooth! godamnit!

i was having fever everyday 1 week in a row. temperature as high as 39.3oC that could make me even wobble when i walk. prolonged coughing that has led to throat inflammation. bad flu- which the doctor says is not tied up with my wisdom tooth growth. there! because of just one stupid wisdom tooth. sighs.

i'll need to extract the tooth. but the doctor says to finish the course of medication i have now first before i do anything about my tooth.

oh wells, just have to be good and take the yucky medicine. sighs. i don;t exatcly wish to continue seeing blood when i cough. it isn't exactly very appealing, especially when it make me think if i had some lung cancer or something. *touchwood!!*

tsk tsk.

[dreamt `]
at 11:54 PM

Friday, January 19, 2007
hey people, i'm back :)

work have started for me. yes, i've officially moved over to cafe del mar. beach restaurant and a club :)

sounds interesting aye?

now, i'm working inside sentosa and baby's just right outside sentosa. how sweet! heh. anyways, our shifts are pretty different. so its either i wait for him, or he'll have to wait for me. anyhows, we're pretty much nearer now.

sweet sweet.

grand opening for cafe del mar tonight. woah! i've got to expect alot. ouch! lots of screaming later. cause everything will need to be ready. sighs.

gotta run.

[dreamt `]
at 11:45 AM