love me. love you.

2008-06-04T11:58:00.002+08:00

haven't been online for a very long time. been LAZY. haha x)

my life's in a topsy turvy mess now.
seems like the guys i hang out with all have a story behind them.
and i'm actually surprised that they're open to share with me.
i'm quite alright though, but it is weird when the people in front of me start to do their business.
oh wells, like UNCLE SAM who likes to say- aku halal already.
haha (x

yes yes yes,
the new people around me are malays.
haha (x
both girls and guys.
i'm a friendly person.
heh!

naval's pierced, like finally!
hah (:
i like, yayyay`
astha did it for me illegally inside delmar.
but was painful aye.
coz i'm a clumsy person.
fell down and actually grazed the wound?
sighs.
but now, its better!
yay yay yay!
waiting for it to be totally healed before i change the stud (:
bling bling! woohoo (x

mos tonight.
deejay has's finale set.
he's moving off to dempsey now.
sighs, everyone's moving off.
oh wells, its time for hardstyle partying tonight (:

adios!

2008-05-08T21:14:00.002+08:00

i'm currently nursing a hangover. bad hangover.
went down to clarke quay after work last night.
surprise surprise surprise! (:

havent been down clarke quay for a very long time.
went over to look for ju*sweet at barfly.
collected my cake from her.
met alan, he cut his hair! haha (x
deejay jason was spinning. said would come over mos after his set.
came down from barfly and was surprised seeing someone i used to know and like.
haha (x
awi, malay bartender who used to worked in st.james- powerhouse.
he's currently working at le noir?
yups, alfresco bar.
we didnt say anything.
just walked past each other, looking at each other eye-to-eye contact.
wow, interesting.
went over chivas party to meet alfee.
chit chat gossip chit chat.

went over to mos only about 12nish.
i was the surprise.
heh!
everyone assumed i was at port dickson's tiesto concert.
BUT sadly, my leave was not approved?
GODDAMNIT!
but oh wells, continued to plant the seed that i was away for the party to all of them,
except for ain who knew my whereabouts clearly.
haha (x
yasmin, jawk, alinah's birthday party!
ministry of sound- smoove.
cool (:
"ideal" was around. yay yay.
birthday package.
my welcome drink, champagne.
mamat joined me. heh (:
shariff, alinah accompanied me up to pure room.
same but different with deejay has (:
yups yups yups.
i like (:
shariff was SUPER glued to deejay has.
HE'S SO CUTE, he claims.
hahas (:
danced danced danced.
mamat kept telling me not to drink too much.
lest i get drunk.
oh wells, tell me about it.
NEXT TIME.
cause i was drunk by 3am?
hahas (x

concoction?
vodka, champagne, red wine, whisky, tequila.
GODDAMNIT!
mixture of drinks will definitely kill you.
oh wells, because it killed me last night.
sheesh, i'm stil nursing this bad hangover.
threw up alot of gastric juice as well.
sighs.
this is bad?

wells, at least i didnt mix ilegal stuff with my drinks last night.
thank god.

oh wells, i wann rest more.
ahhhhh..
loves loves loves!
muacks<3

2008-04-30T00:03:00.002+08:00

'm officially back in the morning shift now.
this is my 2nd week back, officially 6 days back under the sun.
yay yay- i like! (x
yups, so i'm back- xiao hei.
heh.
roasted as usual.
but i need to catch up on my fairer side.
sighs.
carolyn says to use OLIVE OIL.
but it doesn't have spf, that is.
but it'll catch up with my roasted color.
so as to even out easily.
i'll try.
just as long as i get company to go sun-tanning.
yups yups.
i can't wait.
hahahs (x

cafedelmar's getting smaller day by day,
not physically but literally.
everyone's leaving.
sighs.
how? \(-.-)/
was talking to karthi this morning.
he also asks me to look out for opportunities now.
sighs.
how disappointing to see the cafedelmar that was built piece by piece, go one by one.
the foundation is breaking away?
oh wells, this is life.
as they call it.
we'll have to accept the way changes adapt into our lives?
oh wells, i leave my comment to myself.

jawk and yasmin's birthday- upcoming party at ministry, smoove.
birthday package.
i've already booked a table for them.
hope they enjoy themselves!
yups yups (x

may 9th-10th- port dickson
deejay tiesto world tour.
along with ferry corsten.
damnit!
it's going to be happening!!
yay yay (:

i wann to re-start my diet again.
sighs.
i've been taking the wrong stuff?
tommy's losing weight, gaining mass.
i'm following his footsteps.
wrongly!
i wann lose weight and mass.
sighs!
he and i forgot he's a bodybuilder.
sighs.
not me aye.
anyways, i'll start all over.
no big deal.
hahaha (x

I NEED TO PERSERVE!
muacks <3

2008-04-17T23:51:00.002+08:00

well well well, its my 11th day today-as of monday, the start of my diet plan. and i've been a good girl (: heh. i've lost 4kgs already.

yay yay!

hmmm, treated myself to strawberry gelato just now with cynthia. heh. she asked the ice cream guy what his name was. heh, HAFIZ (: cute cute. mummy cooked pasta just now. oops! will hold my tongue tmr den. sighs.

*he texted me yesterday early morning. "Hope you will smile like me again.."
sighs
i miss him a whole lot.
sheesh.

2008-04-10T14:08:00.004+08:00

i'm officially on a strict diet now.
yups, have to be good and listen to tommy now.
heh \(-.-)/
he's going to control my diet and he's going to bring me to the gym (:
i wann lose weight.
i wann tone up.
yups, yups, yups.

am officially night shift, did i say?
sighs.
boring aye.
everyone's leaving already.
lifebrandz to be exact.
tsk tsk.
anything to be done? no idea at all.
sighs.
over at delmar? the able-workers are all leaving.
sighs.
bad bad bad.
i'l miss them all.
sheesh, i miss the sun actually.
tsk tsk.
3 more weeks of night.
i don't like at all. i'm not a moon-friend; i'm a sun-friend.
sighs.
oh wells, have to suck it up till 4th may.
damnit.

*he left singapore already.
*he left my life already.
*he's gone with the wind already.
sighs.
my heart's weary, missing a beat every time i look at his picture.
sighs.
it isn't fair.; but life's not fair.
sighs.
i hate how this feels. i hate how i feel towards *him.
sighs.
*he left with just a text. no explanation, just a text at 0659am 9th april '08.
*he had ran away for the past 8 years, till now- its still the same.
oh wells, fate doesn't just drop at our hands just like that.
265 days have come and gone.
19th july '07 till 9th april '08
sighs.
i'll miss *him.
a whole lot :(

these songs are pretty stuck inside my head.

NO ONE- ALICIA KEYS

I just want you close
Where you can stay forever
You can be sure
That it will only get better

You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don't worry 'cuz
Everything's going to be alright
People keep talking they can say what they like
But all i know is everything's going to be alright

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

When the rain is pouring down
And my heart is hurting
You will always be around
This I know for certain

You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don't worry 'cuz
Everything's going to be alright
People keep talking they can say what they like
But all i know is everything's going to be alright

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel

I know some people search the world
To find something like what we have
I know people will try try to divide something so real
So til the end of time I'm telling you there is no one

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh oh

YESTERDAY- LEONA LEWIS

i just cant believe your gone
still waitin for mornin to come
when i see if the sun will rise, in the way that your by my side
well we got so much in store
tell me what is it im reaching for
when we're through building memories ill hold yesterday in my heart
in my heart

they can take tomorrow and the plans we made
they can take the music that we never play
all the broken dreams take everything
just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
they can take the future that we'll never know
they can take the places that we said we will go
all the broken dreams take everything
just take it away, but they can never have yesterday

you always choose to stay
i should be thankful for everyday
heaven knows what the future holds, or least where the story goes
i never believed untill now
i know i'll see you again im sure
no its not selfish to ask for more
one more night one more day one more smile on your face
but they can't take yesterday

they can take tomorrow and the plans we made
they can take the music that we never play
all the broken dreams take everything
just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
they can take the future that we'll never know
they can take the places that we said we will go
all the broken dreams take everything
just take it away, but they can never have yesterday

i thought our days would last forever
but it wasnt our destiny
cause in my mind we had so much time, but i was so wrong
no i can believe that
i can still find the strength in the moments we made
i'm lookin back on yesterday

repeat chorus

GO ONE GIRL- NE-YO

[V1:]
I cant get it back, but
I dont want it back, i
Realized that,She dont know how to act
Never been a dumb dude
No im not dense
I just had a slight lack
Of common sense
I was the good guy
She was the bad girl
I'm thinking one girl
She thinking me, earl james and jimmy
Yep she had plenty
But love for me, she didnt have any

I was inviting, her into my heart
But she was out riding in some other man's car
She was my night time, thought I was her star
Guess I was wrong, but see im strong
Wont take me long for me to move on

[Hook:]
Please dont worry bout me im fine
(Please dont worry bout me im fine)
Only gonna play the fool one time
(Only gonna play the fool one time)
Trust me when I say
That i'll be ok
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl

[V2:]
I cant get it back, but
I dont want it back, i
Realized that,She dont know how to act
Tried to settle down and look what I get
Thought it was my time, but I guess not yet
She at the bar getting drinks from many men
Im in the house, thinking shes with her girlfriends
Trust not knowing, truly not knowing
I look back now like, man, I was open

I was inviting, her into my heart
But she was out riding in some other man's car
She was my night time, thought I was her star
Guess I was wrong, but see im strong
Wont take me long for me to move on

[Hook:]
Please dont worry bout me im fine
(Please dont worry bout me im fine)
Only gonna play the fool one time
(Only gonna play the fool one time)
Trust me when I say
That i'll be ok
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl

[Bridge]
The mistake i made is clear
(we never shoulda been together)
Thats the reason youre not here
(I know that I can do much better)
Not a single salty tear
Not a feeling in my chest
Baby im feeling no stress
I'm too fly to be depressed

Go on Girl
Go on Girl
Go on Girl
Go on Girl

[Hook:]
Please dont worry bout me im fine
(Please dont worry bout me im fine)
Only gonna play the fool one time
(Only gonna play the fool one time)
Trust me when I say
That i'll be ok
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl
(Go on girl)
Go on girl

2008-04-05T16:48:00.004+08:00

haven't been up for a very long while. no time to be on the computer. heh.
been clubbing quite alot since march.
jenny's birthday to triple treats to eliz's last day to samson's birthday.
i feel the pinch on my liver!

*ouch* and i've thrown up twice.
pain pain pain.
haven't thrown up for a very long time.
lesser to come, i hope.
am officially night shift now.
all the way till 4th may, sighs.
prolly once a week, as promised when azmi's off.
nizan promised, i'll make sure i follow up. heh!

anyways, party at cafedelmar tonight.
2queens, Qtopia party.
from FLY entertainment, yes irene ang's hosting it.
i do hope it'll be good.
heh.
we'll see (:

*he's flying off next tuesday already.
sighs.
i don't exactly wish for *him to return.
yes, i'm being selfish.
but the 9months that i've known *him seems to end so abruptly.
i don't wish to lose it just like that.
sighs. its not fair.
i dunno if *he's coming back.
prolly not, according to *him.
sighs.
my heart's dreading 9th to come.
damnit.
what's up with me now?
sheesh.

gotta go work already.

2008-03-19T19:35:00.001+08:00

jenny's birthday tonight.
getting ready to head down to ministry of sound later.
yups, hopefully it'll be fun!
toodles*

2008-03-10T20:10:00.002+08:00

my 3 weeks of annual leave+public holidays+medical leave+regular off days have officially come to an end. how fast time flies! suddenly, i feel like i've wasted all these time. on un-necessary stuff.

oh wells, i had a good rest though.
that's the most important thing!
yups!(:

my best friend, alan just passed away.
a freak bike accident.
i only got to know about the accident when i returned to singapore.
just when i touched down to singapore.
i rushed down to the hospital after my lunch and into the intensive care unit.
blk 3A, room 16.
that was the start of my nightmare.
sighs!
he was in a extremely bad state.
he swelled to twice his size;
severe brain damage, a more-than-broken shoulder bone, broken back, a burst kidney and liver.
sighs!
i wasn't able to accept his fate; neither could his family.
there i was, standing there in front of him with is mum- crying.
but he wouldn't have felt the pain; his family, his friends were holding back on.
all we knew, he was not out of danger.
he was on life support, hanging on for his life.
2 blood clots in his brain have already consumed him.
my dear friend, was lying in coma- in excrutiating pain that i wouldn't have accepted if i was him.

1st march, 12am.
that was the day he had an accident.
after being in coma for 5days, he passed off on the 5th.
he just left after holding on for 5days.
i wasn't prepared for it; neither were his family. no one was!

the doctors first said it would take about 2weeks for the swell to slowly go down.
another 2-3months for him to wake up.
but, all of a sudden- it became to 1day.
what happened? why was there a drastic change from months to 1day?
heaven knows that i wann this answer so much.
the hospital doesn't have an answer.
the police doesn't have an answer.
the only one who does, is no longer here already.
is there ever gonna have an answer, for anyone of us?
sighs!

in loving memory of Alan Ng Choon Heng;
11th december 1978- 5th march 2008
had a fruitful and meaningful 29 years of life.

i will always miss you,
my dear friend, my dear brother, my love.

i never liked hospitals. not since i had to endure the times when daddy was admitted.
that was years ago, to be specific- when i was 8years of age.
i hated the visits to the hospital; i hate to see daddy with all the tubes, his swollen legs, the hospital uniform and the smell of disinfectant.
but i loved to visit daddy; i loved to hide below his bed to give him a shock just so he knows his baby girl's here to visit, i loved to lie beside him to a nap, i loved him hold my lil hand wit his big palm.
but all of a sudden, things turned awry.
daddy didn't have much time left in this world, and all of sudden- daddy just left.
i didn't see daddy for the last time, even though mummy told me to look him one last time.
i was afraid, i was angry.
i sat outside at the door of daddy's room, alone.
not willing to accept that he's leaving me alone, and going off alone.
ever since that day, i never enjoyed any trip to the hospital ever again.

sighs.
enough of upsetting stuff.

went down ministry on saturday, 8th march.
shuffle event; guest deejay anne savage from UK.
it was great (:
i had fun! lots of fun (:
yay (:
i can't wait for the next shuffle event next month.

2008-02-26T23:13:00.000+08:00

be flying off for taiwan tomorrow (:
1pm.
taipei, here i come! (:

2008-02-23T18:35:00.002+08:00

baby turned 22 last night, officially.
with everyone to celebrate with her.

went over to vivocity to meet cynthia 1st. to collect my staff card.
after getting my staff card, it was over to chijmes.
to visit alina (:
had their club sandwich for dinner, and she served me my virgin s'berry blended freeze (:
hmmm, the club sandwich is not too bad; but a tad SALTY yah?
haha! alina was GREAT!
got me another portion of fries to replace, but was still prolly about the same?
haha! i had to shake the individual before i tasted it.
*shakes head* too much salt, no good.
haha!
but her company? GREAT!

went down to clarke quay after she was done from work.
it was to THE ARENA (:
ladies 20, guys 22.
oh wells, i even commented to alina-
"i can't remember when was the last time i actually had to pay for cover!"
haha! she and i shared the same thoughts (:

music? pretty messed up.
a jumble of everything, i would say.
the deejay was prolly new, or perhaps not sure of the genre he was playing.
tsk tsk.
house music he said, we looked at each other wondering, "that's what u call house music?"
hip hop music he said, again we questioned "isn't that reggae?"
r&b music he said, once more we questioned "isn't this pop?"
oh wells, u understand what i meant.

john came down from home.
went over to ministry, sneaked out. ha!
but a tad failure, i would say.
axwell was so much better!
or at least, there was the CROWD.
last night? sighs. it looks pretty bare.
OUCH!

went over to lunar to check eelynn out.
was not bad.
stayed outside with her most of the time.
went back to arena to catch up with the rest.
too late; baby girl was pissed drunk already.
she threw up pretty much.
yeah, ray and malik was nice to look after her.
and forcing her to throw it out, everything.
to feel better (:
alina? high. ha! a long time since she felt this way.
me? surprisingly NOT HIGH at all, and surprisingly totally SOBER.
how boring!
after malik sent baby home, the rest of us went in to lunar.
proper HOUSE and TRANCE music!
yay (:
tiesto on the decks! loves (:
a jug of whisky coke and we were having fun at the dance floor (:
yups, fun fun fun!
came out to visit eelynn again.
chat chat chat!
gossip gossip gossip (:

anz had no gum, he finished the last.
adeal (i tink) gave me choco!
yay (:
water parade to keep hydrated.
yups.
stayed till lunar closed, which was 6am.
sighs.
i don't exactly do this THAT often now. ha!

gonna slack now.
cheers!

2008-02-22T16:49:00.002+08:00

today's my dearest girlfriend- AIN'S birthday (:
happy birthday to you, my babygirl!
many many happy wishes to you (:

steve mac's spinning tonight.
yay(:
i hope i'll be able to sneak out over to ministry tonight.
i don't like arena much much :(
dunno why actually.
besides, i think darren's no longer working already.
sighs.
yups, so how?
have to check with alinah.
our escapade to ministry tonight! haha (:

gotta meet cynthia tonight.
pick my staff card, that is.
sighs.
troublesome!
haha.

gonna slack more.
boos!

2008-02-19T19:42:00.002+08:00

hmmm, i had a great time last saturday (:
not much people went thou;
just myself, panxu, jenny and hao!
john was there with his friends to (:

i had loads of fun (:
yups, my first time too.
haha!

oh wells, just had my wisdom tooth extracted.
OUCH! it hurt hell lot.
am currently on medical leave, till friday.
but i'll be back at work only on sunday.

i can't wait for friday.
ain's birthday (:
my baby's one year older! yay (:
will be out somewhere.
her call, her choice.

next wed, i'll be flying off for taiwan already.
yups, ticket's been bought.
its already sitting on my table (:
yay!

2008-02-16T00:08:00.003+08:00

my ankle's getting better (:
it spells good news.
yupz, i'm heading down ministry tmr (:
yay!
i'm so gonna make myself comfortable at axwell's event.
yippee (:

anyways, its been confirmed like 85%?
plans have been changed, new-er plans have been made.
i'll be heading down taipei on the 27th and will be back on the 1st (:
cheers!
i'm finally leaving the grounds on singapore!
woohoo-
i can't wait (:
that is, if mummy books the ticket for me. haha!
if not, i'll be stuck in sunny singapore, once more.
yippee :)

that means, i'll have to be a good girl and inform DEEJAY JASON.
oops!
i can't make it for this month's triple treats at pure then.
oh wells, there are still many more to come (:

its pretty set. ticket's at 590SINGAPORE buckeroos, all inclusive of taxes etc.
probably a transit at hong kong as well.
i don't mind (:
i'm going onboard a PLANE to TAIPEI, on my own.
yay!
be crashing at cousin's place though.
nice nice!
everything's well taken care of.
only problem?
its currently winter up there.
sighs.
nevermind! must bring an open-mind.

alrights.
have to head to bed now.
can't afford to be late, when i'm finally back to work.
i can't wait!

2008-02-15T00:22:00.002+08:00

how unlucky can one get? i am THE good example of being a tad unlucky this week.

like i blogged earlier, i had high fever the 1st day of my leave clearance. it was all well by the 2nd day but things had to go down the hil for me once again. sighs.

i sprained my ankle. yes, damnit. how clumsy can i get?

now, i'm officially walking with a limp. how interesting to spend my week- at home.
damnit.

anyways, met up with pek geok, alison and nicholas at mac's this afternoon. limped over like a handicap. damnit. slacked for awhile before i headed back home to laze more.

haha. i like clearing my leave. i get to LAZE. i get to SLEEP IN. i get to be UNTIDY. i'm beginning to like every part of it. other then, my incidents turning into accidents. i realise that i'm a huge danger to myself. oh wells, i carry the name of being one who likes to self-inflict pain anyways. haha. i do hope i get better thou.

tsk tsk. saturday is coming already!! and my feet is bandaged. SIGHS. quite awful to head into ministry with my newly bought boyfriend's shirt, denim skirt, red skinny belt but to end off with a bandage on my right ankle. SHEESH! i'm so disappointed!

damnit.

i SO don't wish to miss AXWELL, SWEDEN spin at ministry this saturday. can i not wear the bandage? please?? sighs. doctor says i need to cushion my ankle till it gets better. which means i can walk without feeling pain when i apply pressure. sighs. how long will that take me? i AM so pissed for being such a dickhead- why did i have to be THAT clumsy? sighs.

ah, whatever happened has already happened. i can't change that fact, though.

nevermind then.
i'll play my mp3 forward and back many more times then.
how interesting (:

2008-02-13T16:29:00.002+08:00

am finally on my well-deserved break. am officially clearing leave till 1st march (: be working only 2-3 days per week. how nice (:

today's my official 1st day off- but sadly, im NOT FEELING WELL. sighs. running high fever of 38.2degree celsius. how lucky can one get?

oh wells, i'm hopeful that i'll be better by saturday. come saturday down to ministry of sound for axwell, sweden (: sweet sweet!

off to take my medicine now (:
sighs.

2008-01-17T16:58:00.000+08:00

a long while since i last logged in. its close to a month already. wow.

work has been hectic, tired and wearing me off right now. am still working 6 days a week, clocking 60 hours a week. extremely tiring and mentally straining for me. sighs. i've not gotten better ever since falling sick since christmas. symptoms are slightly showing clear signs of improvements but its getting on me that i take at least 2 weeks and more to get better. sheesh. both my hands are still shaking (sometimes, especially when i don't notice), my headache is still not improving, my vision is blurring sometimes. sighs.

i don't wish to see the darn doctor again. i've got too many pills that i just don't wish to finish already. neither do i wish to see the doctor regarding my heart problems as well. sighs.

yes, i don't wish to face the music. not so soon.

i'm currently tired of life now. yes, you've heard me- i'm tired of everything already. 2008 isn't exactly going as smooth as i thought. oh wells, nothing seems to go the right way. i've lost the motion in motivating myself in bringing myself the smile to my face already. there's nothing much to smile about anyways. sighs.

a particular someone surprisingly had the impact to make me cry over him last night. sighs. how ashamed i was, to have dropped tears for him. i couldn't help it. the tears just dropped while i made my way out of sentosa & while i was on the way to ministry of spend the night out. sighs.

i need a break.
badly.

2007-12-24T23:04:00.000+08:00

merry christmas to everyone (:

i'm tired. just got back from work, have turned into extreme workaholic. just so i can settle my bills and my debts. i'm really exhausted. i need a break soon. sighs.

i've been feeling very empty inside these few days. i've no idea why. sighs.
whatever made me feel this way, i really have no idea.

2007-12-11T23:17:00.000+08:00

some updates on my life;

am officially attached now to my baby- shah or toi (his street name)
works as technical/production crew in the theatres at esplanade.
liza's good friend and brother to the clique she hangs out with.
8years difference but really dotes on me.
my staff and girlfriends who have seen him actually likes him,
surprisingly sweet (:

am officially working 6 days a week; extremely tiring.
trying to make ends meet, thus the 6 days.
simply because i'm officially bankrupt.
this is totally upsetting;
i'm only 22 of age but have already turned bankrupt.
sighs, its disturbingly outrageous.
i just work, work and work to clock in as many hours to settle my outstanding bills and debts that will continue to snowball unless its settled as soon as possible.
sighs. it all started with my hardcore partying.
damnit; whenever will i learn from my stupid mistake?
i'll have to hang myself once more if i continue being an idiot when the new year starts.
its not just cutting down of my partying, i need to cut down on my drinking habit.
being an alcoholic in the year 2oo7 has been ugly enough; and i wish to stop it there.
year 2oo8? i'll need to cut down on my hardcore partying and hardcore drinking.
if not, i'll probably have to start saving up to see a specialist for my liver.
that- would be BAD NEWS.

delmar? work has been better; probably a switch of mindset after a brief talk up at mezzanine.
it probably turned for the better a wee bit late; i sadly regret.
i've missed the 1st promotion already,
sighs. i'll have to work even harder now.
sometimes, i question myself if everything's worth it. is everything really worth me fighting for? will it really be endowed as promised if dutifully accomplished?
sighs. i really wonder.
all i can say now, work is my main priority.
assisting my above superiors are my main concern now.
unless i decide to move off somewhere else.
if not, i'll just be good and work my way up this ladder.
the staff of delmar- i will still love (:
i'm already starting to miss my boys who left for home; jeffrey, noel and ronald. not forgetting my sayang, manelyn (:

just past saturday, 8th dec- zoukout.
delmar was closed for business, so we had our 1st official off day on a saturday (:
we had our company dinner at marina south- bbq steamboat. interesting!
everyone had fun (:
everyone headed down to lunar and ministryofsound after dinner for drinks and to party. everyone had fun; i know i had fun too (:

and yes, just some updates on cafedelmar (:
every saturday is bikini foam party!
foam party sessions are as follows; 3pm-6pm & 10pm-late.
1st 100 bikini girls in the pool at 10pm will receive a complimentory drink.
2 bottles russian standard vodka promotion at $238++, 4mixers included (10pm-4am).

on the 31st of december, 2007- join us at cafedelmar for NYE countdown!
count till the last seconds of the year with guest DJ- DJ Flemming & our house DJs- DJ Has & DJ Hong (:
party till sunrise! which means we'll be running 24hours again- back to old days!
tickets are up for grabs,
please do check out the web for more updates. http://www.cafedelmar.com.sg/

i'm bored. sighs. my off day is usually spent lazing around back home.
yes, i'm a lazy girl (:
baby's still asleep. he's been working since sunday 12pm and he only ended this morning at 4am. yeah, you heard me right- he worked 42 hours straight.
sighs. poor baby; i can't wait to see him soon (:

i need to get re-organised soon. that is, IF i wann to improve.
so what's my verdict?
i WANN to improve. and yes, i WANN to move up the ladder.
so yeah, i'll have to be good (:

tomorrow's going to be a busy day.
3 different events going on at the same time.
busy busy busy; i like (:
i pray for good weather though!
i'm heading back to laze through the internet now.
chaos (:

2007-11-19T18:13:00.000+08:00

ladies night on wednesday was fun (:
delmar crew at our sister's outlet- ministryofsound.
a whole lot of us headed down to party the night away.

nadiah, juju, noel & myself- we headed down after work at 2am.
rushed down to clarke quay to meet B1 outside lunar.
we catched up for abit, took a couple of photos before rushing over to ministry where the rest of the delmar crew were waiting.
it just took us 5mins to dump our belongings with iz at main arena before the whole crew rushed up to pure room.
reason?
our DJs were battling it out. yay (:
jason, hong and kenneth francis.
has was there too (:
so yeah, delmar crew came to support our delmar DJs.
had alot of fun; especially when drinks were specially prepared by jeff.
whisky coke and vodka redbull juggies i ordered were probably a splash of mixer.
the rest? you guess it- alcohol lethal.
ain and yasmin came up to pure to look for me too.
mashmellow came up too (:
so yeah, all my sweethearts were out to party with me (:

"i can accompany you longer today"
"how come? you're a floater today"
"nopes. new guy today with me at my station"
"okays"
"i wanna get drunk today"
"haha. okays, den drink up"

we partied till the DJs started to slow down before we all migrated to main arena.
to have more fun (:
wan was partying hard at main arena.
the usual spot, dancing his legs tired.
headed over to smoove later.
had more drinks.
tequila shots and more vodka redbull juggies.
mashmellow & me.
that was the end of me already. haha.

headed over to fashionbar to meet ronald & noel.
said my goodbyes and reminded ronald not to say anything silly before heading off.
bala & me.
knocked out bad.
sighs.
an early wake-me-up text from mashmellow.
"u okays? feeling better?"
"yeah, feeling abit better"
"you just disappeared. i couldn't find you"
"ha. got sent back home"
"good"
"you? drunk?"
"very high. went to eat after work so felt much better. was looking for you to go eat"
"oops. was forced to head back home"
"alrights. you take care okays"
"yups, you too"

sweet sweet sweet.
i spent thurs nursing my hangover.
weekends were spent in delmar- night shift, 5pm-4am.
friday was OKAYS> cause it had the crowd. i like (:
saturday was tad BORING> no crowd.
& besides, i had to look after bernard lim's guest who was supposedly a VVIP.
birthday party.
i was looking forward to people who would spend at least a small bomb?
but it turned out to be kids. sheesh.
20 year old birthday girl's party. how fun.
so i was asked to be on standby at the right jacuzzi. butler service basically.
but they ordered like nothing?
just 2 bottle of vodkas which was apparent they had a problem finishing.
sighs.

luckily for me, i was like entertainment manager again. hahas!
a mutual friend of mine and adrian was celebrating her birthday at the left jacuzzi.
lay kiang- my classmate & his neighbour (:
nicholas' friend was also celebrating her birthday.
my favorite CSO- farouq came to visit as well. surprise visit! sweet (:
eelynn came. but along with alinah, ain and ray too (:
so basically, i was running around entertaining different groups of people.
i so missed everyone. hah x)
especially farouq- my favourite guy.
we talked about everything & there's so much more to catch up on.
my darlings? they loved delmar. haha x)
told them to come over earlier the next time so we can spend more time together.
yups. i like (:

yay (:
good news.
i'm back in the morning shift.
like finally i can see the sun.
after 2 months of night shift, tad BORING.
i can't wait.

2007-11-14T14:24:00.000+08:00

what do you say to a man when you realised he has betrayed the simple vouch of being trusthworthy? of being honest? of being the man of your dreams? of always being there for you?

nothing at all. tsk tsk.

no words to express my heartfelt pain and disappointment. nothing to cover up the trust that has been torn apart. nothing to replace the trust that has been broken.

"once broken, considered sold"

i now understand how it is like to be betrayed. not once, twice, let's keep it simple- many a times (unpleasantly true). the feeling of being cheated is equivalent to being stabbed a thousand times through your heart, body, mind and soul.

no one expected things to happen. well, at least i didn't. but everything turned out just the way i least expected. either its bad karma or i'm just plain stupid. i chose to believe the latter.

stupidity- i'm one big fool.

i would probably believe what's not to be trusted but not the ones who i should trust.

"what goes around... comes around;" "all good things come to an end"

probably, things wouldn't be that complicated if feelings weren't given a chance to play a part in this fairytale.

men seem to be adament to everything that happens around them. is it because of the simplest idea of men just out to have fun? do guys feel that being in control is a boost in their ego? do guys feel that they have a higher hand to play after having satisfied their lust of new meat?

bastards, i call them- disgustedly.
a wimp not to face reality.

men- they confuse me now.

all of a sudden, they don't interest me like they used to. have i turned skeptical towards all these creatures? probably so. its not hard to imagine oneself strandled alone in the midst of a relationship. anything to leave you alone with no one to turn to. is that a common gesture of an undisciplined ego taking over the lifeless body of a man? perhaps so.

too many men equates to too many problems.

some turn out to be not that nice afterall;
some turn out to be not that lonely afterall;
some turn out to be not that gentlemen afterall;

they always say, "i've nothing to hide"
truth to be told, "i've everything to hide away from my new found meat"

they leave their girlfriends or wives back at home.
they leave their children back at home.
they leave their fatherly image back at home.

it saddens me to know that men treat women as disposable items.
sighs.

2007-11-12T13:33:00.000+08:00

how many times in a month do i have to wake up to phone calls that rings in the morning with an upset&crying/angry&uncivilized lady on the other side of the line?

sighs.
many a times, i supposed.

sighs.
i need help.

2007-11-10T15:03:00.000+08:00

somehow, someway, somewhere- you'll be able to find comfort out of the messed up world that we live in. no matter how hard it seems, that spark of light will always be there. yes, it's probably hidden behind all the masks that i've been wearing everyday. and now, i'm too tired to even don the mask.

perhaps, i've been too busy.
perhaps, i've been too intoxicated to notice.
perhaps, i've always turned a deaf ear to it.
perhaps, i've never learned.

but now, its different.

why do we, woman always be-little ourselves to the faces of men? why do we- woman always follow the footsteps that the men have placed before us? have we not noticed the many times we've been hurt time after time?

yes, the truth hurts. but we've probably forced ourselves to go through the pain of no other because we chose to.

we choose to listen to the sweet nothings that he blabbers.
we choose to believe his explanation of why he never called or why he was late, etc.
we choose to trust him with no fear that he'll one day turn his back on us.
we choose to share with him the most intimate moments in everyday that passes.
we choose to believe that our hearts will beat as one.

cliched as it might sound, its true.
i can vouch for it.
silly as it may be, i was a fool myself.
a fool that no one's word mattered as much as his does.

tears fall uncontrollably when the night forces the lonliness out from you. you shudder at the thought of seeing urself alone in the middle of the night, waking up to still expect to see his body laying beside you. your heart and body yearns for his touch and security, wishing he felt the same. but nothing is forever.

no man will lay his life down with words of wisdom that he'll always put the woman at his priority. no man will hold on to his words of always being there for the woman, no matter how hard or far it is. there is no happy ending to this game called love.

or rather, having skeptically calculated with the drastic numbers of heartbreaks around- the percentage of having found a good man is probably just 3 out of 10(let's not be too mean to the rest of the people out there). but then again, how long or far will these 3 go?

i'm tired of having to be-little my value or dignity towards man anymore.
i'm tired of having to wonder what man wonders anymore.

i look away from those eyes of men, disgusted.
disgusted that they choose to see flesh as new meat or new prey.
disgusted that they choose to feed on their prey to satisfy their lust.
disappointed that we, woman still unknowingly fall into their trap.
i was one.
stupid silly one- having my heart broken, had my mind twisted, had my emotions swinging high&low as if it was a yo-yo.

i've learned my lesson.
i'm moving on.

i know in my heart, there's always people who will love me for who i am and what i am. no matter what happens, they'll be there for me as my bestest friend and will probably never judge me for being an idiot for doing the craziest things i always do. i know they'll hug me and hold my head up and make me repeat that "I LOVE MYSELF MORE".

they?
simply you- my girlfriends.
my loves, my sweethearts <3

2007-10-29T00:41:00.000+08:00

i got so fucking wasted on wednesday.
yes, i heard you- ladies night.
it was a killer for me.

basically, i was really upset having not heard anything from "lunar".
my whole intention was to get drunk.
simply because i was pissed off;
or rather more of upset and disappointed with everything that happened.

1st, he didn't want to acknowledge the relationship.
2nd, he didn't want me to look for him at lunar.
3rd, he wanted my friends to know him as a "friend".
4th, he didn't want to reply my messages or pick up my calls.
5th, he only wanted to talk to me only on his off day.

somehow, my heart just sank.
i dunno why i bother so much actually.

anyways, headed down to ministryofsound- as planned.
i wanted to get really wasted that night.
but i was really bothered by the fact that he didn't bother, at all.
texts were sent; calls were made.
nothing was answered. not even a single one.
yes, i did drop tears for the "lunar" guy.

sighs, how useless.

i had my first taste of heneiken that night.
i didn't like it.
don't get me wrong- i know its one of the best.
but simply because i don't fancy beer.
but i decided to taste something my "mos" liked.
a beer man, i call. haha:)
everything else came too fast.
tequila shots at the bar.
whisky greentea.
vodka cranberry.
more beer.
vodka rebull.
a mixed jug of something from the clinic boys.
more alcohol from chris and jeff.
more beer again.
that was the start of my downside.
sighs.

i trust ju, cheryl, vivian and ronald for being my sweethearts.
i mean SWEETHEARTS.
they were the ones who picked me up, cleaned me up, took care of me.
sighs.
i was in a mess. a total messed up girl who lost her senses.
i couldn't remember how many times i threw up.
till there was blood.
damnit.

cheryl and vivian headed into lunar to look for the "lunar" fella.
my heart sank one feet deep when his excuse was literally see-through.
cheryl questioned him; his answer was "sorry, i don't know"
i really don't understand what's going on.
sighs.
i didn't hear anything from him.
even when i was fucking wasted and drunk outside lunar.
not one text, not one missed call.
even when i got drunk because of him.
silly me, aye?

what about the "mos" fella?
i dunno if i should be happy or upset actually.
he turned out to be the one who cheered me up the whole night.
yes, i actually sneaked out from smoove a couple of times with him.
he came over to where i was in smoove a couple of times.
main arena changed to our party music:)
and we sneaked over a couple of times.
like little kids playing out on the streets after curfews.
we kept our eyes opened for anyone who looked suspicious.
just in case, we get caught. cutsy:)
we even ended up in pure.
our favorite:)
he turned out really sweet. like an ideal guy:)
but sadly not anytime soon or in any future.
he was the one who wanted to look after me when i was really wasted outside.
sheesh, but he was 10mins too late?
i ended up in cheryl's place.
my 2 baobei really looked after me.
super sweet of them:)

yesterday- ministryofsound for nightmare before halloween.
staff gathering.
i had fun.
until "mos" had to text me that his gf gave him yet another surprise visit once more.
sighs. i was disappointed once more.
i didn't bother with him the whole night.
until he texted me like 4-nish?
i was already in the taxi line.
"wru"
"taxi line. why?"
"so early"
"bored. no one to accompany me."
"stay? club's extending till 6am"
"sighs. ur gf's here seh"
*no reply*

i continued to wait for my cab.
occasionally looking behind me, lunar's backdrop.
john was heading over after work.
i was tempted.
but was still cautious due to the "lunar" guy's existance.
"can i meet you?"
"because i'm just outside"
*no reply*

i gave up.
yati came over to the taxi line.
she ended work at 3am.
we talked about stuff.
everything that happened within this whole week.
how my heart sank. how my eyes watered.
for these 2 guys. "lunar" and "mos"
sighs.
when suddenly, "mos" fella had to appear.
i was caught speechless.
sighs. until he asked;
"did you see my gf?"
"no. i don't look after her"
"i've got a problem with her"
"what's wrong"
"i can't find her"
"alright, i didn't see her in the queue. if that's what you're asking"
"why you dowan stay till club close? its extended till 6am"
"i know. but there's no company"
"ahem" *looks at himself*
"ur gf's still here"
"text me later"

i headed back.
texted him;
"you didn't have a problem with ur gf because of me right?"
"nopes. don't worry."
"alright"
"just couldn't find her just now"

disappointment seeped in.
heart sank once again.

i did the dumbest move.
an exact text i sent to "mos"
"just rch home. hope u found ur gf. it kind of sucks always running away from ur gf. i dunno what i am actually. damnit"

don't ask me what got into me.
i've no idea myself.
maybe because like what nadiah said, it seems like the gf knows something?
sighs. its obvious that he's protecting the gf, not me.
all the way from the start.
before everything even started; all the way from delmar.
why did everything turned so wild?
why bother to hold me back when you already have a gf?
you ask me to stay; ur gf's heading back home soon.
you ask me to ignore; ur gf just turned up at the club.
you ask me to wait; ur gf's not around.
what exactly am i to you?

why the hell do i feel so manipulated?
emotionally, mentally and physically crushed.
tired of everything that's going on around me.

i thought i was able to push him to the farthest end of my sub-conscious mind.
i thought i was able to push him away.
i managed to do so; for 62days.
that was when he asked me to leave; something that hurt me badly.
now?
he's turning everything back to square one.
same scenarios, different locations.
no longer at delmar; welcome to ministry- smoove.
damnit.
i have to learn to let go, i guess.
its hard.
i've to start psycho-ing myself now.

a new wednesday is coming.
yet another ladies night to come.
but this time, with nadiah along:)
we hold each other for strength now.
i hope.
it'll be lunar and ministryofsound on wednesday.
we're going for our rounds of visiting?
haha.

sighs.
i so miss my real self.
have i lost myself already?
sheesh;

2007-10-24T00:17:00.000+08:00

confused over everything around me.
nadiah knows what's going on.
cheryl knows what's going on.
but i don't know what's going on.
perhaps, they understand the situation?
perhaps, i'm trying to numb myself that shit doesn't always happen again?
sighs.
what goes around comes around?
maybe i'm feeling this way coz i allow myself to feel this cramp.
this cramped up feeling is definitely making me sick.
damnit.

i would have thought that it would be "mos" who's giving me the headaches.
but surprisingly, its "lunar".
somehow, i probably learned to feel attached to "lunar" already.
and when i learn to feel attached, shit always happens.
i feel skeptical about this mindless game called "love" - simply because its tiring.

tired?;
physically draining.
emotionally tiring.
mentally tested.
sexually challenged.
simply, everything's put to a test.
worthwhile?

the pumping of my heart just tells me that i'm still in the real world.
i'm consciously telling my sub-conscious mind to stop brooding over the matter.
"just forget about it"
"damnit"
"don't get yourself hurt again"
"damnit"

truth usually hurts; it does.
instead of running away, i guess being straightforward is better.
whether there is a 2-way opened door policy, it doesn't really matter now.
running away only just proves likewise to me.

i'm starting to miss him again.
"damnit"

i don't want to be a fool already.
no more of it.
i'm tired already.
it sucks big time.

i'll just do what nadiah said.
"c'mon"
my fingers fumble while the letters form into words.
sighs.
it stopped just exactly when the option states "send"
"c'mon"
sighs.
"message send"

i wonder what he's going to say.
or is he just not going to say anything?

"damnit"

2007-10-21T00:16:00.000+08:00

crazy time on wednesday.
off day. spent lazing outside the whole day.
met gerald for dinner at taka, ajisan:)
cheryl and ayu outside L.V.
our baobei, vivian came down to clarke quay too.

macdonald's for cheryl and ayu's dinner.
dessert for both vivian and i.
smoke break for liza baby.
headed over to the bridge to meet ayu's friend.
bottle of absolute blue.
cranberry juice.
cheekily yummilicious:)
even though i'm no vodka drinker.
cause it gives me a headache, especially absolute.

anyways, baby texted where i was.
went over to lunar with vivian on my right and redbull on my left.
vivian wanted to see how baby looked.
hahas.
cute aye?
hung around for awhile, before we headed over to ministryofsound.
to check someone else out.
heh.

smoove was busy.
he came out to chat.
for awhile.
sweet:)
got him a bottle of beer- as promised.
one text came from him that kinda made me down almost instantly.
even vivian felt it.
"my gal fren's here"
sheesh.
my reply?
"okays. guess i'll disappear then"
disappointment seeped in.
i decided to just pass him the beer i promised and bum myself off smoove.
that was the whole intention.
i went up to the bar beside pure.
no idea why. i just felt like it.
i had vodka redbull. extra packs.
nice:)
i was supposed to feel distracted, when another text came in.
late. very late. as usual. his style.
"nopes. don't leave. she's going off in 10 mins"
"okays"
"meet me on the 2nd floor. at the bar we had our drinks the 1st time we came"
"i'm here already"
"how did you know i wanted you there?"
"i dunno. i just headed up here"
"okays. wait for me. i'll be there 1.30"
"okays"
vivian just looked at me, smiled sadly.
i knew what was going through her mind.
she asked me why he was doing all these to me.
i had no answer to her question.
i even had no idea why i still allowed myself to be manipulated.
am i just too deep in this?
sighs.
he appeared as promised, 1.31am.
he kept tugging and requesting me to head down to main arena.
simply, to dance.
i turned him down. simply because pictures of us having fun just re-appeared again.
even though i thought i've managed to push it to the farthest end of my brain.
but i guess, i still failed.
especially when he held my wrist?
he went back to smoove, after visiting me upstairs.
i asked him,
"has your girlfriend really went home?"
"actually, i dunno"
"okays"
"i'll see you later? come over smoove look for me okays?"
"alright"
i decided to head back to the bridge to look for cheryl and the rest of the crew.
accidentally bumped into a girl on the way out.
near the bag collection point.
while i was apologizing, i turned to see who exactly i bumped into.
shocked.
it was his girlfriend's friend.
she was directly opposite me.
oops.
i headed for the exit almost immediately.
don't ask me if she saw me, or rather if she recognize me.
i've no idea.
i would just say, my heart sank one foot deep.
more drinks were drowned down.
i found out another secret as well.
sighs.
i dunno if i should be happy or upset.
apparently, i'm not me on his phone.
i'm a fiction person on his phone.
a guy, in fact.
now i understand why i need to label him "bro".
sighs.
vivian asked me who i really like.
i've no idea.
she'll smile, look at me and ask,
"mos or lunar?"
"i dunno"
"i think you like mos"
"why?"
"your feelings tells it all"
sheesh.

perhaps, you're right vivian.
but i've to let him go.
time to come.
his answer or reply?
"a girlfriend who really really loves me- for 4yrs already"
sighs.

whatever the case.
i think i need to learn to start putting the new kid in lunar before mos.
but then again.
he's behaving slighly like zai?
perhaps, because of the working hours.
yet another workaholic?
nopes.
plainly because he does night shifts.
10pm-6am. 6 days a week.
sheesh.
i'm starting to miss him already.
faizal:)

tired.
i need to start counting my sheeps already.
nights to all, my love:)

2007-10-12T14:17:00.000+08:00

a mess for all to see.

out partying on wednesday. ladies night.
with my baby- liza.
kid, wan and koko was with us as well :)
i had fun with wan.
back to old times.
haha`

mashmellow was around.
we slacked together.
he smoked, i had my fair share of smoke- passively.
i actually texted him.
that i missed everything between us.
sighs.
whatever made me do that.
i've no idea.
perhaps, because i had him in full view in front of me while partying?
sighs.
wan was behind me and he was in front of me.
lost? confused?
yeahs, a whole lot of mixed feelings.
but, seriously- i do miss him.
everything.
from gossipping in his amp room, to laying on his chest at the beach chilling.
sighs.
i dowan to think about it already.
just makes me miss him more.

made new friends at lunar.
while visiting my dearest- yati.
haha`
took lots of photos:)
i can't wait to see em.
cause my camera's still with yati.
ah wells.

new kid on the block.
faizal:)
from lunar.
ahh`x)
can't wait to see him soon.
yays!

yati's birthday.
sunday.
gay night?
probably.
i miss some people already:)

*loves!

2007-10-06T14:49:00.000+08:00

off on monday.
i had no idea what to do. sighs.
met up with eelynn, town-ing.
what we do best:)

slacked around town till about 10-nish before heading over to lunar.
along with elizabeth and vivian.
melvin was there, again.
got eelynn her job:)
yays!
dominic was nice to do the interview- immediately.
cool:)
babe's got her job at ministryofsound now.
officially a lifebrandz chic now.
yays:)

"i/c please."
"no entry."

had a wee bit more of martell and tattinger champagne downed my throat.
sheesh.
drinking continuously for 2 days.
meeting melvin and jerry- that's the end.
ouch!

pool and bowling on tuesday.
kim seng and marina south.
woah.
elizabeth and elvis.
yes, don't look at me weird.
li jun and xu fang came as well.
so yeah, not just the 3 of us.
yups, fun.
skin of my fingers split.
dry and cracked.
thanks to bowling.
amatuer`

km8 on wed morning with cheryl.
it looked like another island. nice:)
scorching sun.
beautiful scenery.
quiet. peaceful.
we had fun- cheryl and me.
finger food and our drinks- daiquiri and margaritas:)
work at 5pm was boring.
sighs.
lunar and ministry, after work.
which was like 3am?
wow.
yes, that's what you call a party animal.
crazy.
i get that really often.
my body's physically breaking down.
i know it cause i can feel it.
oh wells, i'll just fake it through.

headed down delmar thurs early.
tanning in delmar was illegal- so i had to sneak.
caught in the act.
heh.
requested to work.
short-handed.
oh wells, i could head off early plus get my tan at the same time.
bonus time.
headed over to clarke quay after work.
12-nish?
alco-pops to thirst my throat.
ended back in town- balcony.
with whyte&mackay13yrs on my laps.
yummy:)

fridays&saturdays will be burnt at work.
5pm till 4am.
ouch.
actually, once in a while isn't that bad.
keeps my pocket heavier for that week.
just that it'll be spent more freely when the next week comes.
hahas.

i can't wait for sunday.
off to km8 with the girls.
tanning session plus massive gossip session.
hahas.
heading down stjames in the night.
probably.
i need to get insured for my liver- SOON.
in case of any liver failure, will i get compensation?
hahas.

'm confused with the people around me.
are they who they really are?
ouch.

2007-10-01T15:07:00.000+08:00

last night was dangerous, yet fun.
haven't been at st.james for at least a month plus.
so coming back to my playground was feeling slighly un-familiarly familiar.

fabulous sunday.
gay night.
yes, the door "bitch" was not adrian or samuel last night.
someone else.
cute. ha.
did a silly survey with him.
funny, when i had 8 others with me.

oh wells, my clique of friends.
party crazy friends.
cafedelmar & wheelockcrew.
my sweets:)

welcome party back to st.james.
starting drinks with juggies 1st.
free-flow of candyfloss and popcorn.
cause it was carnival party for fabulous:)
yummlicious`

lawrence and adam was at intro bar.
both were fed candyfloss by me, while they fixed my drinks:)
yay.
someone had his fair share of flirting with my bartenders o.0
naughty naughty.
but den again, he bought me drinks.
so, thankyewverymuch:)

tequilashots were shared.
juggies were shared.
photos were taken with love:)

welcome party was definitely not that-welcoming afterall.
had one too many drinks.
from one table to another.
cafedelmar to wheelockcrew.
i was entertainment manager. ha.

busy busy busy on the phone.
disappointing that it wasn't baby.
sighs. as usual- it never seems easy to get him anyways.
its like he's never available.
oh wells, i'm tired.
maybe cause of the age difference?
i've no idea.
sighs.
anyways, it was newurbanmale on the phone.
whole night.
till i fell asleep.
yeaps, accompanion on text.
how interestingly innovative.

be going down lunar tomorrow.
with elizabeth and i dunno who else.
not sure which prc be going down tomorrow as well.
hopefully, i'll be able to keep my liver sane tomorrow.
if i continue drinking this manner, my liver's gonna hate me deep.
sighs.
i was supposed to be good.
its the fasting month aye.
i actually managed to fast for 2weeks plus and darn, came lunar.
forced throats at lunar broke the fasting month for me.
sighs.
and since its been broken, its all the way out.
ha.
dangerous-ly insane.
i should be good. stop for one week.
at least.
my resolution always seem to be broken.
sighs.
where's my discipline?
better keep my resolution of heading back to school by march still intact.
i should stop procrastinating so much.
yeaps.

by 2oo8;
by march- be enrolled into school.
'm still in dilemma if i should do full-time or part-time.
by june- be enrolled into driving school.
'm still in dilemma if i should do school or private.
by june- should have upgraded my position (IF i'm still in delmar)
by june- OR should have fucked off from sentosa.

haha.
i'm a procrastinator.
damnit.
why am i still goofy about it?
sheesh.

i need a life.
of my own.
'm being skeptical on how this will be; baby and me.
ahh.
will it even last?
'm getting tired already.
seems like i've lost my will to carry on?
maybe cause we dunno each other well enough.

ahh.
enough said.
gonna head out.
town-er!
boos:)

2007-09-25T12:13:00.000+08:00

am staying in delmar now.
no word of transfer- as yet.

but i guess i'll be staying?
for good?

at least, at the moment.
heh~

2007-09-24T00:44:00.000+08:00

i spent 2 days thinking what i really wanted. in delmar.
if it was still worth to stay or to just drop the letter to the managers.
i decided to choose the former, to stay in delmar.
accept the offer and stay on till end of the year.

i wanted to prove to the rest that i wasn't any pushover.
i wanted to prove to the rest that i was worth the pennies they were paying me.
i wanted to prove to the rest that i am able to work.
i wanted to prove to the rest that i want to win this race.

return to delmar was like a start anew.
but things turned drastically- threehundredsixtydegree turn.
i've been transferred.
noneotherthan- lunar.

sighs.
i talked, asked questions and thought ALOT.
finally, i accepted the transfer.
wells, i have to. i can't say no to the transfer.
sighs.
i'm so gonna miss delmar, awholeLOT!

the first step into the construction site>15th january2007
the first day it opened the doors>19th january2007
our first big event>10th march2007
the first day transfered to the beach>16th april2007
the crazy staff party>27th august2007

sighs.
anyways, i'll probably need to get a day job den.
at least, i can save up abit.
IF i manage to psycho myself into enrolling into school early next year.

someone has offered me to join them.
higher income than that of delmar.
sighs.
i've no idea.

sheesh`

2007-09-19T12:05:00.000+08:00

i'm tired.
i'm upset.
i'm demoralised.
i'm screwed up.
i'm basically, fucked up.

work has been fucking unenjoyable since staff party.
everything's screwed up.
i don't see why anyone still enjoys work.
other den the international staff.

tsk tsk.

the team should be working together- finding ways to perform better.
not, always out there to pick on people- breaking them down.

i'm tired of everything.
i so wann to leave.
but den again, being the stubborn me- if i throw my resignation letter, its just showing them that i agree to them about being a loser.

i wann the LAST laugh, not them.

sighs.
even zai asked me to leave the company.
i dunno.

he says its gonna be bad-
for health,
for wealth,
and for the relationship.

tink he meant the relationship btw me and the management.

wells, they're out to cut me now.
so what else is there which they won't do?
my reputation's fucked up by them already.

sighs.
i need to get more chocolates.

to feel better.
damn.

2007-09-15T00:09:00.000+08:00

the heart's failing.
the mind's waivering.
the body's weakening.

the time's ticking faster than i count my 1,2,3.
i don't have a ticket to go back time.
i don't have a time machine to turn back time; turn back whatever happened.

i'm beginning to hate myself for being a STUPID fool.
its all too late to regret now.
i swore to carry the consequences on my own.
i swore to not let him carry the burden.

can i say, i swore too early?
its all too late to regret now.

pills popped; once again.
wrist slit; once again.

mind's blank. here i lay on my bed; unwilling.
unwilling to let go.
unwilling to give in.
unwilling to break free.
unwilling to understand.
unwilling to forgive.
unwilling to forget.

the tears just drop uncontrollably.
i thought you said you'll be there to catch me fall.
i thought you said you'll be there to catch my tears.
i thought you would be there for me.
as my best friend.
as my brother.
as my mentor.

i thought wrong.

why hold me and tell me about life?
why show me how to open my eyes?
why led me on?

at the end, i'm still the biggest fool.
because i'm unable to make myself hate you.
because i'm unable to make myself let go.
because i'm unable to make myself walk away.
because i'm still uncontrollably crying over you.
because i'm unable to blame you.

i hate myself for loving you.
i hate myself for letting myself go in this deep.

you turned your back.
you walked away.
i don't need to turn away; because you'll never see the tears that fall for you.

these songs are so getting into me;
sighs.
tears fall again.
where have you gone, this time?

"Don't Speak"

You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always I really feel
That I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

Our memories
Well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening
As we die, both you and I
With my head in my hands
I sit and cry

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

It's all ending
I gotta stop pretending who we are...
You and me
I can see us dying...are we?

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't tell me cause it hurts!
I know what you're saying
So please stop explaining

Don't speak,
don't speak,
don't speak,
oh I know what you're thinking

And I don't need your reasons
I know you're good,
I know you're good,
I know you're real good
Oh, la la la la la la La la la la la la

Don't, Don't, uh-huh
Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush don't tell me tell me cause it hurts
Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush don't tell me tell me cause it hurts

"Bukan Cinta Biasa"

Begitu banyak cerita
Atas sebab ada duka
Cinta yang ingin ku tulis
Bukanlah cinta biasa

Dua keyakinan beza
Masaalah pun takkan sama
Ku tak ingin dia ragu
Mengapa mereka selalu bertanya

Cintaku bukan di atas kertas
Cintaku getaran yang sama
Tak perlu di paksa
Tak perlu di cari
Kerna ku yakin ada jawabnya...ohhh

Andai ku bisa merubah semua
Hingga tiada orang terluka
Tapi tak mungkin,
Ku tak berdaya
Hanya yakin menunggu
Jawabnya

Janji terikat setia
Masa mengupas segala
Mungkin dia kan berlalu
Ku tak mahu mereka tertawa

Diriku hanya insan biasa
Miliki naluri yang sama
Tak ingin berpaling
Tak ingin berganti
Jiwa ku sering saja berkata..ohh

Andai ku mampu mengulang semula
Ku pasti tiada yang curiga
Kasih kan hadir
Tiada terduga
Hanya yakin menunggu
Jawapan...

Cintaku bukan di atas kertas
Cintaku getaran yang sama
Tak perlu di paksa
Tak perlu di cari
Kerna ku yakin ada jawabnya...ohhh

Andai ku bisa merubah semua
Hingga tiada orang terluka
Tapi tak mungkin
Ku tak berdaya
Hanya yakin menunggu
Jawabnyaohhh

Diriku hanya insan biasa
Miliki naluri yang sama
Tak ingin berpaling
Tak ingin berganti
Jiwa ku sering saja berkata..ohh

Andai ku mampu pulang semula
Ku pasti tiada yang curiga
Kasih kan hadir
Tiada terduka
Hanya yakin menunggu
Jawapan...

2007-09-12T00:57:00.000+08:00

tired. haven't had a good rest for the past whole week. imagine having just less than 10 hours of sleep for the past 4days. sheesh!

no wonder, i'm nursing a stupid flu and fever now.
ahh..

anyways, i finally got my stupid resume updated.
i'm still contemplating aye.

next week, we're gonna start our long-awaited 5days week.
is it too late to make improvements now?
trying hard to keep all the lingering staff now?

i wonder.

sighs.
my head's hurting like hell.

thursday's the start of fasting month already.
i think i should fast as well. hah.
might as well, since no one seems to actually notice that i'm chinese.
sighs.
how interesting after you get over-tanned.
so the saying goes-
"once you get black, you cannot get back."
how true.
tsk tsk.

maybe have my last night of partying before i end it for one month?
hah.

we'll see.
a sick person wouldn't EXACTLY be able to enjoy herself.

unless i've got the moving crowd.
heh.

2007-09-04T00:14:00.000+08:00

life's complicated now.
i chose this path myself.
so whatever consequences, i'll handle it on my own.
if it ever backfires, i'll answer it on my own.

i don't wish to run away now.
its too late to run away from reality already.
whatever happened, happened with and for a reason.

i'll just have to learn it the hard-est way.
i never seem to NOT get into any sticky situation.
i never seem to NOT make myself get hurt.

sighs.

my hand hurts.
its probably a slight infection.
oh wells, an expected answer for doing something stupid.

stubborn.
rebellious.
i am who i am.
i wann to stay this way.

in the dark. yes, i know i'm being a fool.
the biggest fool, i must add.
but i've lost control already.

i've lost my head, my mind and my heart.
i wann to leave.
my body's willing; but not my heart and my mind.
my tears drop un-controllably.
i wann to turn my back away from the pain.
i wann to walk away and not let the tears be realised.
i wann you this way.

just let me be the biggest fool.
the biggest fool who knows that she's being fooled.
the biggest fool to continue being a fool.
the biggest fool to be manipulated foolishly.
the biggest fool who still wants to be treated as a fool.
the biggest fool who have fallen foolishly deep.
the biggest fool to still stay in that mess.
the biggest fool who deserves more than this trouble.

i just said- i AM the biggest fool.
so sue me; if you're unhappy.
tsk tsk.

let me stay?
in this foolishly naive world of mine.
*tears fall once again.
*it hurts THAT bad.

2007-08-22T11:42:00.000+08:00

let me tell you a story.

one day, boy went for an event. it was a whole day event, from day to night. "an outdoor event- it should be interesting:)" the boy thought. first person that caught his eye when he just came to work was girl, wearing black glasses. one glance, second glance- that was all. "that is what i call tanned legs. let me try and get her attention during the day." boy walked around where the girl worked, trying to get her attention. but sadly, he failed. in the evening, another girl came up to boy and asked for his number. he gave his number and decided to forget about the girl but concentrate on his work. boy found it hard and decided to walk around the girl's workplace again. boy looked around and spotted her at work. black glasses and tanned legs. event ended. boy received a text from a girl who asked for his number. but boy left without asking the black-glasses' girl her number. he lost his chance.

one day, girl went to work with her black glasses- for a change. an outdoor event at night, but setup of the place in the day. first person that caught her eye. boy with black shirt and berms carrying the equipments. "cute. possible eye candy for the day:)" the girl thought. work started for her and she concentrated on her work, occassionally looked around to see if she could spot the guy. girl lamented to her cashier about the guy. work as per normal. before the event started, the cashier was on her way out from work-spotted the guy and decided to take his number for the girl. she returned happy for the girl but the girl was pretty shocked. especially when the event haven't started. after the event, girl finally texted the guy.

girl missed her last transport.
boy offered to send her back. "its on the way" boy said.

finally they met, face-to-face.
girl smiled.
boy smiled.

it turned out that the girl who took his number was the black-glasses girl:)

he sent her back. but they chatted all the way till there was first sign of sunshine.
"will i see you again?" boy asked.
"sure." girl replied.
"i'll text you:)" boy smiled.

unexpected things always happen.
*sweet:)

p/s: i'll let you hold my hand; just so we can walk next to each other:)

2007-08-17T01:30:00.000+08:00

life's a mess right now.
i'm one extremely confused child.

stuck in between.
no idea what i should do.
to turn left.
or right.

spent a bomb today.
retail therapy always works.
even though it'll seriously burn a hole in my wallet:)

i would just conclude that i nearly spent close to 1k today.
but because I'M SPECIAL- it was reduced to just 500bucks.
which is still ALOT. considering the 2 zeros behind that 5.
but i saved half of what i could have spent.

oh wells.
i'm getting old-er soon.
sighs.

not exactly a good sign.
because i STILL dunno what i wann.

guys?
work?
family?
last but not the least, myself?

i'm confused with everything that's happening around me.
the world's spinning too fast now.

sighs.

i can't wait for my birthday week.
i wanna go out:)

someone special:)
my girlfriends:)
my minahs:)
my darling:)
my sweethearts:)

so many appointments:)
so little time!

i need a break soon.
again.
to clear my head.

idowantobethenaiveoneagain.
idowantobethesillyoneagain.

can you not play with matters of the heart?
please:)

2007-07-26T23:35:00.000+08:00

i'm tired of everything already.
i'm seriously tired of living now.

i've lost too much of myself within this month.
emotionally. physically. mentally.
i've lost everything in an instance.
i don't even know why i would be such an idiot.

surprisingly, i've stayed sober for the past 3weeks.
but its not making me a happier girl ;(
its making me more lonely each day.

i'm standing outside the door of happiness.
but i'll never be able to enter.
because?
i don't see the door knob.
but i'll never ask where it is.
i'll probably walk away.
and never realise that all i had to do was just give the door-a push.

these days have made me lost sight of what i truly wanted.
i go through the days in slow motion.
hoping that if the slower i moved, time would probably play a part as well.
but i was wrong.
time fast forward without even informing me.
now, i'm left alone at the end.
in the dark.

no one to hold.
no one to call my own.

i've been silly.
now i've lost my soul that night.
i lost everything that night.
when i agreed to follow.
now its all too late to regret.
whatever happened once, happened twice, happened thrice, etc.

what have become of me?
i lost myself in the midst of silliness.
i can't cry out no more.
i can't smile out no more.

no more treating me nice.
no more making me feel warm.
no more letting me feel safe.
no more trying to touch my heart.

at the end, i'll still lose.
my heart's been shattered too many times to even be pieced back.
my body's been too broken to even be nursed back.
my mind's been too twisted to even think straight.

i don't wish to live anymore.
i wish to end this pathetic life of mine.

booze and pills don't make me happy anymore.
or rather, i've forgotten how happiness tasted anymore.

why do everyone just make use of me?
why do everyone just toy my feelings?

maybe, its me.
i'm the silly one.

silly enough to listen.
silly enough to believe.
silly enough to trust.

the bond's been broken. twisted apart.

//tears dropped nonchalently.
//no strength to wipe them away.
//my body's too bruised already.
//like a battered dog left out on the streets.
//whimpers and cries.
//scars that hide every story.
//shield my eyes from the pain.
//just let me go.
//away for this world anymore.
//let me go to the faraway place.

i want to end it all.
before i turn another year older.
maybe.

i feel my heartbeat beating slowly now.
my heart's probably losing faith as well.
its not pumping as fast as the blood leaving the host.
i guess its tired of all the burden around as well.

my hands shaking now.
i wann to leave.
silently.

without anyone to bother me.
without anyone to disturb.

amonthmoretogo.
my days are numbered.

before anything does happens; it'll be nice to tell the people around me how much i feel for them.
i'll just cut things short. time is running up already.

peksy/alison: the 2 of you have been my best friends for the past 5-8 years. i learnt to look on the brighter side of life, i learnt to look upon my friends when i needed them, i learnt to share my thoughts with the outside world, etc. you 2 have brought me to understand what true friendship really means. i miss our little hangouts, chilling out each others' place. i miss having our little makan sessions. imagine the amount of calories we put on everytime we head out for dinner, but its all worthwhile:) our chats about work, school and boys, etc. thank you for always being there for me.

ain/alinah/yasmin/xiaohui: the girls who's always been there even after i disappointed you guys, time and time again. the girls who are always there to cheer me up with their silly tactics that sometimes make me wonder why i frown at the beginning. the ones who made working life a breeze which made staying at the job even longer when i seriously started to destest it. i miss that christmas eve/or was that new year's eve- where we sat below wheelock and had fun. i miss my last day where we turned wheelock into a mess, cleared it up, and pretended nothing ever happened that particular night. i miss having leftovers with the mtv blasting at its highest volume. thank you for everything that you guys have given to me. the bestest girlfriends to have to go clubbing. i miss that too.

my family: i've lived up to 21 years of age. done nothing right from the start. nearly caused the family to break up because of me. nearly caused my siblings to lose the mother after losing the father. rebellious at heart and stubborn at mind. never did well with grades and never had a good reputation in school. shame was all that i had. but i accepted it because i chose that. i never enjoyed having a family without a father. yes, i've been selfish because i've spent a couple more years that the rest of my siblings. but because i did, i hated him for leaving me. why didn't he just take me away with him on that day when he layed on the hospital bed in pain? it changed my heart on how i looked at people. from that very day. i never liked hospitals since. i stay out from the house because i don't like being in it. i'm the black sheep of the family already. so counting me out, wouldn't matter to me. it hurts to sit together but we discuss nothing. maybe because we're all growing up differently. i know i am. i'm broken inside wild outside. i hate myself. alot. but then again, i thank you guys for having to take all my nonsence for the past 21 years. you've done great.

i'm hating myself every bit.
slowly. slowly.
i wann to let go of everything and be free.

can i go to the faraway land that people always talk about?
i'm tired already.
too strained now.

i wann to pack my bags and leave.
my heart's feeling cold now.
but i can't find the tears anymore.

2007-07-18T15:32:00.000+08:00

tired of everything- family, work, friends, relationships, finance, materials and myself.
bascially my whole life.
yes, my blackandwhite life.

i've lost all the colours in my life.
i wonder where it all went. down the drain, i supposed.

i find solitude from lonliness.
traded my toys for boys. but i never always seem lucky.
lost myself in the midst of whirling around- looking for directions.

sighs.
popping might be another alternative again.

drinking myself drunk is so ~~unhealthy~~.
sighs.
drink, drank and getting drunk.
as usual.

i need a body check up soon.
my body seems to be breaking down.
physically.

something seems wrong?
i just realise that the bruises are SO obvious la.
sighs.

i can't wait for tonight.
i pray i don't get wasted again.

i need to learn to enjoy myself again.
sighs.

2007-07-17T00:14:00.000+08:00

bintan was a waste of time, effort and money.

i'll not return there again. it'll be the last place i'll wann to go.

have packed my baggage and left them all back in bintan.
some stuff are preferably left as it is.
too much emotional baggage just keeps weighing me down.

i'm tired already.
i'm super weak la.
the bruises just refuses to go.
sighs.
considering how tan i am now, its still fucking obvious.

anyways, lots of rules back in del mar now.
sighs.

lateness.
gossiping.
product description.
staff's "speech".

oh wells.

keeps me busy.
good.
dowan to think of stupid things at the moment.
makes my head spin everytime i think.
makes me just feel like popping pills once again.

but then again, the foaming portion wasn't fun at all.
makes me weak in the knees.
likes its gonna pop any moment.
throwing up?
used to it already.
i think?!
cause i've been wasted like every week.

i wonder how my liver looks now.
sighs.
bad shape, i supposed.

what else do i expect if i don't enjoy liquor?
i drown myself with liquor instead.
to numb and ease that fucking pain.
sighs.
a burning sensation always.

i miss my tequila shots.
i miss my whisky coke.

chivas. grey goose. jose crevos. moet chandon.
oooh, sexy.

i can't wait for wednesday.
ladies night.
once more.
with ma crew.
the del mar gang.
off to jolly at our sisters' outlet:)

yet another session to drown myself again.
like always.

tsk tsk.

2007-07-07T23:46:00.000+08:00

i can't wait :)

2007-07-01T00:45:00.000+08:00

i hate myself.

everything about myself, i detest.

my nonsense.
my nonsense.
my nonsense.

i'm tired.
of living already.

i'm counting my days now.
on how long i'm going to keep sane.

i'm tired of wearing that ~~fucking~~ mask everyday.
i don't enjoy it at all.
no, not one bit.

i'm tired already.
the world surrounding me has crashed at top speed.
its getting dimmer and dimmer.
i'm losing the colors around me.
its like a black&white television now.

how tad boring.

my hands keep shaking. i dunno why.
i wonder if its bcoz of what i took just now.

sighs.

this sucks.
big time!

2007-06-25T23:29:00.000+08:00

i'm fucking tired of everything.

blah.

i can't be bothered now.

2007-06-23T00:15:00.000+08:00

back again. sneaked up once again. one lesson is not enough. haha.

can't wait for the 4th of july :)
out to have fun again!

it's party time :)
yeah!

going bintan for a short trip.
relax relax relax.

i need that. badly.
haha.

i can't wait :)

2007-06-16T22:39:00.000+08:00

not feeling well today. been feeling like throwing up since last night. sighs.

not a good sign.
i've not had a hangover(i think) that's SO long!

went out to st.james with the girls on wednesday. eelynn, alinah and ain :)
ladies night.

as usual. drink, drank and got drunk.
wasted wasted wasted.

i had double shots and 2 glasses for every coupon i used.
sheesh!
i had hell lot of drinks that night.
whisky coke.
whisky dry.
tequila shots.
vodka orange.
vodka cranberry.

no wonder i got wasted.
anyone would.
ha.

awi and adam was nice :)
haha.

2007-06-09T23:22:00.000+08:00

haven't been up for ages. been busy with work and more work.

yes, i've turned into a serious workaholic. and i'm having worries now. doubting my capabilities now. sighs. i'm not sure if i'm slogging for the right reason. it seems as though i'm officially signed on with lifebrandz- del mar. haha. seems like national service to me.

anyways, i've worked too hard. i need a break now.

away from work.
away from work.
away from work.

sighs.

anyways, i've officially turned "roasted". thanks to the heat at del mar. now, i'm like minah already la. i've got guests who bet if i'm chinese or malay. like what the hell?!

but i'm fine. haha. other den when i see myself stark naked den. its like me wearing a white tee shirt. sighs. its quite stupid and silly looking la.

but what the hell?
i'm fine man.

i've been catching up with him again. things are probably gonna start like it used to. i hope so. past will always be the past. the times back at wheelock would prolly be the times i'll definitely miss. but i guess, sweet memories don't come so often. if not, it'll not be called- sweet :)

anyways, we'll have to start slow this time. with lots of care and caution now. i guess we've both grown up- one way or another.

i wanna go sing KAROKE la!!!

when the hell will i have time? i should spend time on things i'll prolly enjoy more than just clubbing. sighs. my life just revolves around work and clubbing now. which is BAD! cannot make it a habit sia.

chiong-ster!
hahaha.

but i enjoy the night scene now. haha.

oops!
i should try not to get wasted anytime soon.

*crosses fingers*

2007-05-28T20:20:00.000+08:00

its been ages since i've not blogged.

life?
been many ups and downs. loads of it to actually fill my life now.

work has become the biggest factor in my life now.
yeah, i'm a workaholic.

it kind of helps especially when you don't wish to think of distracting stuff. makes you occupied. well, it did. until recently.

sighs.

i'm burnt out already.
i need a break.

soon`

2007-05-02T21:43:00.000+08:00

its all set.

fabulous sunday.
hot babes and hunks.

booze.
liquor.
champagne.

i'm gonna drink and get pissed high this sunday.
with all my beautiful people around me.

it doesn't matter if i get drunk now.
really. heh.

i need a break.
from work.
friends.
family.
my baby.

i'm sorry baby.
just leave me now.

we're quits from now on.

its better now than later.
if not, you'll be hurt even more.

it'll hurt much more knowing that i'll hurt you deep one day.
so its the time now.

spread your wings and fly away.
find somewhere better.
and someone better.

i know i've been a bitch to ditch everything just like this.
but its better this way.
your life will be much better.

i promise?

leave me alone.
i'll dig my own grave.

i need a hug.
badly.

\\i dig sexy love.

2007-04-30T19:26:00.000+08:00

i need my own space.
i need my own life.

i dowan anyone to control me.

i hate it!

i don't like to be questioned.
i don't like to hear the same thing repeatly.
it irritates the hell out of me.

i wann a life of my own.
i wann a like i can call my own.
no one to control it.
no one to be in this life of my own.

i stand alone and i fall alone.
i dowan anyone to help me out.

yes, i'm being selfish.
but i just wann to be alone.

for now.
i don't know how long it'll take.
but just leave me alone.

leave me out to die alone.
i need peace.

i think i'm having a mental breakdown.
fuck.

just leave me alone.
please.

2007-04-11T00:43:00.000+08:00

its been a long time since i dropped online.

i'm shagged. just came back from dinner with the wheelock family. was lily liang's birthday today. rushed down after work.

i'm bushed. gonna slp now.

gotta wake up early to sun tan tmr.
my off day :)

2007-03-16T15:28:00.000+08:00

its been some time since i last logged in.

many things happened. unpleasant really. hurtful words were exchanged and physically, both hearts were torn in the midst of all the confusion.

my heart longs to feel the warmth and love again. but i guess, its difficult to pretend that nothing actually happened between us. i know the other party is willing to give love again, to start over again. but i guess, the heart's not willing at the moment. probably start afresh and try touching my heart again.

i know i've been very mean. but the heart hurts every time my eyes linger on him another second longer. i'm not willing to accept everything that is going between us. a fairytale i always thought it would be able to create was dashed by our own hands. he always said there was no fairytale in reality. yes, i was stubborn. i rather naively believed that there was a fairytale for us to create. but i guess, i was wrong.

now, he wants to create the fairytale i longed from the start. is it already all too late?

i'm lost and confused myself. i miss the attention i had from him before. now, its all different.

the world has changed. he's changed.

i've changed.

i guess the world is moving too fast for us to catch up. its best to leave the burden behind.

sighs. my heart's still willing. although, afraid to accept.

2007-03-02T13:00:00.000+08:00

i'm bored. baby started work yesterday. his first day. he felt very laid-back, i guess. afterall, it was raining the whole day. i had only 15 walk-in customers for the whole lunch period. how interesting!

anyways, alison came down to visit. she was on her way to dolphin lagoon after her virgin trip to underwater world. so she decided to pop by with jeremy and friends. how nice :)

was supposed to meet yanti up for dinner but was cancelled last minute. so plans were changed and i met alison instead. had pastamania at plaza singapura and chatted quite alot. interesting exhanges were made. i'm contemplating between E65 and K800i right now. we'll see about that soon.

went back to cafe del mar after dinner with alison. dropped by powerhouse to look for lawrence but surprisingly, he was posted to movida last night. adam was on duty at alfreso instead. passed adam the cheesecake to pass it to lawrence and he passed me the perfume which he actually gave last wednesday. nice scent :) paul smith!

going to go work soon. working at 5 later. hopefully, i'll be able to see aric later.
ciao~

2007-02-17T19:48:00.000+08:00

happy new year to all :)

this kind of sucks. i was last informed that we'll be opened 24hours for the next 3 days. so yeah, we've opened friday 24hours and it'll last till tuesday 1am. ouch!

consider it being the chinese new year weekend, which means its a long weekend again- who comes out during the festive period? most people will be out visiting. anyways, schedule's out already. am working graveyard this weekend.

anyways, i'm pretty pissed off with the people. i didn't receive last month's pay. how sucky can that get? i realised it was because they actually lost my application form. wow! how interesting! now i can see how efficient the human resource department works. sighs. nevermind that i didn't receive my january's pay. they said we'll be having an advance for chinese new year- yes, only for the chinese. i didn't receive any as well. what the fuck is this supposed to mean? it sucks big time man! i'm so gonna grab one of them later and ask what's going on. fuck man! how in the right mind do they want people to slog so hard without even planning to feed thou?

tsk tsk.

back to basics. happy stuff.

ain's birthday's next thursday. hmmm, we're planning to head down early on wednesday to beat the cash- go around the ladies night to get free entry and drinks. save much on cash. especially when we're all broke but still wanna party. hahaha~ how dumb can we get?! oh wells, beats more than sitting around chilling without any booze :) wheelock's chalet on sat-mon, 24th-27th. be joining them on sunday instead. cool~

sighs. gonna go back to my reunion dinner :)

2007-01-28T23:54:00.000+08:00

sobs sobs sobs.

i missed the chivas function yesterday. had to stay in sick due to an mc. sighs. actually, i didn't want to see the doctor. but after having blood when i coughed- that made me weak in my knees already. i had to see the doctor, whether i liked it or not. the nausea feeling of having blood forced out everytime i coughed kind of horrified me. so i got my mum to pick me up and was rushed to see the doctor at midnight, just after my work.

only at the doctor's did i know that i'm having all sorts of illness because of one major problem. all i have to do is to eradicate that problem, and everything will be solved. my wisdom tooth! godamnit!

i was having fever everyday 1 week in a row. temperature as high as 39.3oC that could make me even wobble when i walk. prolonged coughing that has led to throat inflammation. bad flu- which the doctor says is not tied up with my wisdom tooth growth. there! because of just one stupid wisdom tooth. sighs.

i'll need to extract the tooth. but the doctor says to finish the course of medication i have now first before i do anything about my tooth.

oh wells, just have to be good and take the yucky medicine. sighs. i don;t exatcly wish to continue seeing blood when i cough. it isn't exactly very appealing, especially when it make me think if i had some lung cancer or something. *touchwood!!*

tsk tsk.

2007-01-19T11:45:00.000+08:00

hey people, i'm back :)

work have started for me. yes, i've officially moved over to cafe del mar. beach restaurant and a club :)

sounds interesting aye?

now, i'm working inside sentosa and baby's just right outside sentosa. how sweet! heh. anyways, our shifts are pretty different. so its either i wait for him, or he'll have to wait for me. anyhows, we're pretty much nearer now.

sweet sweet.

grand opening for cafe del mar tonight. woah! i've got to expect alot. ouch! lots of screaming later. cause everything will need to be ready. sighs.

gotta run.

2007-01-08T03:02:00.000+08:00

i did my manicure and pedicure le! haha. french manicure and i've got 2 nail arts on my big toes :)

went over to baby's godsister's wedding dinner today. she's very pretty :) but i didn't know anyone there. not one person. cute aye? i went to the wedding dinner not knowing the bride and bridegroom. how cool can that be?

anyways, baby wore the hot pink top we got from domanchi. and he looks really good. or rather, extremely hot! but he didn't believe me la!! i can't blame him. he only wears black shirts. that's all- and that's his uniform, with prints: st.james powerstation.

will upload the pictures to my friendster soon :)

heading out to powerhouse on wednesday- ladies night! i'll be going down with staff, my little godsister and maybe my polymates. we'll see o.0

my little fella, wenwei can't make it. sighs. no one to cover him at work. hmmm, i cannot be a bad influence and ask him to skip work. he says cafe del mar might be opened coming sunday, 14th. i've no idea. clubbing till morning on wednesday. hmmm, probably walk into sentosa? haha. we'll see how it goes ba. that's provided i'll be sober to walk into sentosa alone. haha.

anyways, steamboat's confirmed. FRIDAY!! my last day :) yes, i'll be bringing the steamboat pot. i just need people to help buy the food, and mouths to finish it up :) cool~

loves!

2007-01-06T11:40:00.000+08:00

i'm left with just 6 (minus 1 off) working days in wheelock. i'm so going to miss my family i've found in there.

anyways, i'll be officially out of wheelock on friday. am off on saturday and sunday. before i start work on monday, 15th. cafe del mar's not up yet. so i'll be posted out. sighs. i'm unsure of what to expect.

gonna do my nails later. manicure and pedicure.
heh!

be meeting my baby later.
loves!

2007-01-03T03:38:00.000+08:00

i've got exactly 10 days minus 1 off day= 9 working days left in wheelock.

i'm pretty eccited for my new job. but also unsure of it as well. sighs. the place isn't even up on site at the moment. delay due to the insistent seasonal rain. the news of the delay kind of dampened my mood on moving out of wheelock. will be going out for attachement before the site's officially up. which means, its time to scrub and set up the place. another round of setup. yes, setup team again.

makes me think of the time we setup wheelock together. sighs.

tsk tsk.
how touching.

am gonna look for more songs now.
sleeping soon.

i'm nocturnal already.
here i am, its showing 4 in the morning on the clock now.

goodnights!

2006-12-31T13:21:00.000+08:00

its new year's eve! a happy new year to everyone out there!

met up with the girls on thursday. over at toa payoh. we had dinner together. same old faces, as usual. nothing new. sighs. anyways, attendance that shared the meal together were: wilmer, anna, xinying, regina, jonathan, sylvia, cuijie and myself. i brought baby along. it was his off day. doubt he liked the crowd. sighs. its the same when he brings me out with his friends. there's no connection between us to talk about. lest, hold a conversation. nopes, nothing in common. our difference? 8 years. this group of friends? not into the night scene as much as my yuppies back at simplelife. so there was that big difference. yeah. anyways, wasn't much to talk about as well.

i guess i've pulled out from that age group? maybe, maybe not. it might probably be because i've not talked to them for ages. i guess. the atmosphere was just dampened, along with the persistant rain that continue to fall outside the entertainment centre where we had dinner. just had my dinner with baby quietly. i didn't exactly liked it, but i didn't exactly not enjoyed it as well. a mixed feeling, i must say. was great meeting up with the girls, especially my gossip partners sylvia and regina. but i guess, time has made us feel seperated.

anyways, they decided to go down st.james tomorrow night. cause its "fabulous sunday". in short, gay night. yes you heard me right. i just went on monday with alan. tomorrow night, with the girls. will need to rush down after work. sighs.

we'll be having a countdown party tonight. at wheelock's. how nice. oh wells, i'm not sure if i sounded sarcastic or genuine. heh. i really hope it'll be fun. my last celebration with everyone at wheelock. sighs.

honestly speaking, i can't bear to leave wheelock. it has become my second crib. a crib i can call my own. a crib i can stand up for. a crib i helped built along with my fellow mates. now, to leave the crib to somewhere new is difficult. moving over to somewhere i have no idea, somewhere i have no clue about and somewhere i have no pillar to lean on when i've met some difficulties. back in wheelock, there will always be someone who'll be there for you. i've made the bestest girlfriends there, gossip mates, clubbing khakis, etc. i'll miss this place!

this was the place i learnt to sweep, mop.
this was the place i learnt to what service meant.
this was the place i fell for my best friend.
this was the place i knocked out in the chiller.
this was the place we made up and still continued to be best friends.
this was the place we had a big clubbing session at the now dysfunct "chinablack".
this was the place i had my taste of red wine and raspberry vodka in a shooter.
this was the place i had my taste in "sex on the beach" and "cosmopolitian".
this was the place i got a lift back on a sports bike.
this was the place i hanged out at newton, downing beer.
this was the place i got promoted.
this was the place i hired staff, fired them.
this was the place i made more than collegues. i made friends.
this was the place i met him. i met my baby.

i slipped and fell, knocked out, climbed up and continued to walk.
i cried tears of happiness, pain and anger.

i'll definitely miss this place.
its where my family is.

tsk tsk.
how touching.

sighs.

i miss my baby.
if only he could be here tonight.
wishful thinking. he'll be busy tonight. extremely busy.
new year's ever.

sighs.

a final touch of love by him will probably make tonight blissful for me.
in my dreams.

*ouch*

2006-12-27T01:41:00.000+08:00

here i am, using the laptop of my sister's to go online. note: in the dark, on my bed, under the damn blanket.

tsk tsk.

its cold out there. brrrr!

anyways, did the traditional ripping of presents today. missed the fun part yesterday since i was out till 4 in the morning. i got a new perfume from my mummy. heh! but surprisingly, it was my brother who sniffed out the scent for me. its Hugo Boss' "pure purple" series. nice scent! quite to my palate (: i'm just surprised my brother knew how to pick a nice scent out of the thousands out there. perfect boyfriend to be? haha! up for grabs! woohoo~

yeah~

am off tmr, or rather today. since i'm pretty much like a nocturnal animal right now. yes, i prowl at night. *hints*

be dropping by regency tmr. settle stuff for my new outlet. dropping over MOM in the afternoon. yes, you read it right- Ministry of Manpower.

am gonna find out the employee rights and enquire about my boundaries. i hate the feeling of being a fool. it sucks! big time. especially since i started as a full timer. that seemed like the biggest wrong move i had done for year 2006. sighs!

oh wells, i'm left with 2 weeks in wheelock. be heading to my new place, cafe del mar. in sentosa. yes, i'll be a full timer. floor captain to be exact. hopefully, things will turn out well. *crosses my fingers*

dear's been talking alot about the "M" word lately. something that is a BIG commitment wor. wells, i'm not totally speechless but i've got nothing to comment about wor. mummy doesn't know about him yet. i tink. but mummy's very smart. it seems weird if she doesn't know that i'm attached le. sighs. i'm carrying my hopes that she'll accept him this round. i really hope so. at least, he's working as a decent professional bartender now. my shuai ge!

lalala~

2006-12-26T12:30:00.000+08:00

merry christmas to all!

went out with alan last night to st.james powerstation. met john from attica and his clique of friends. we entranced dragonfly while i waited for baby to reply me. he came over to pick us up into powerhouse BUT was rejected. haha~ i expected it already. powerhouse was holding a all boys party- in short: GAY PARTY! woohoo~ anyways, we went over through the main entrance cause he spoke to the floor manager, aziz. nice fella! OMG!! topless guys everywhere, guys kissing, guys grinding each other, guys dancing to the beat of the tempo on the platform. you name it, i saw it!

wow!

took loads of pictures as well. heh!

i miss my baby (:

2006-12-18T00:19:00.000+08:00

oh yes, pls tag me on ur blog address yah?

i kind of lost everything. haha!

thankyew :)

2006-12-17T22:52:00.000+08:00

how do one expect the world to forgive when she never expected to still see the world after whatever happened?

i never thought i would live to see another day. not when i did the silliest thing one would ever expect me to do. i went through hours of throwing up, total rejection from my stomach and gastric, crazy headache, etc.

one hell of a night!

it was painful! i'll never want to go through that again. never in my life. i broke into cold sweat everytime i ran to the toilet to throw up. i was dehyrated! but i couldn't swallow not one drop of water. it felt like hell! i don't wish to go through it anymore. throwing up gastric juice twice is enough to kill me already.

i'll be good.
i'll listen to *you*
i'm sorry.

he came over to my place this morning. he worked till 6am this morning. i threw up like 3-4 hours? sighs. anyways, he came after work to bring me to work. seriously, i never thought i would have survived the night. i cried the night away. imagine running to the toilet to throw up every 15 minutes. there was totally nothing but gastric juice left. he brought me to work and left only for home about 1130.

sighs.

i don't seem to be doing the right things. i'm always doing something that would hurt myself directly without giving any thoughts if it'll hurt him. i agree with him and everyone else. i've been very selfish. extremely selfish for thinking that i'm just myself in this world. i thought i could leave without hurting anyone. sighs.

michelle, you'll need to grow up! you have to grow up!
unless you want to lose everything and everyone you call your own now!

ah!

my tummy's still hurting. sighs.

can't wait for my class tmr. be having class for the next 4 days.

alright. i've resigned from thesimplelife. will be moving over to cafe de mar. i'm officially under the wings of MOS now. yes, you've read it right. Ministry of Sound pte ltd.

yeah, i'm moving into nightlife. if that's what you call (:

i'll be having my last day at work(thesimplelife) on 13th January 2007.
i'll be starting work(cafe de mar) on the 15th January 2007.

how time flies!

oh yes, it's in sentosa~
catch all the action at siloso beach (:

we're taking over sunset bay!

catch all the fun (:
i miss my girlfriends.
all of them!

sighs!

2006-12-12T16:30:00.000+08:00

just printed out my resignation letter. be dropping by wheelock probably later. gonna pass will my resignation letter. the earlier the better. will called to tell me that once i hand in my resignation letter, i have no off-in-lieus, sick leaves and pH to claim le. sighs. he says the head office will pay me back my pH but my off-in-lieus will be burnt. oh wells, hopefully the new environment would be a good and exciting one (:

won't exactly announce where i'll be working until probably next week. coz i'll be having 3 days orientation. we'll see how it goes den (:

oh wells, its going to rain already. the rain should be very heavy, looking at the dark clouds overlooking my baby's house. oh wells, hopefully it doesn't dampen my sweet boys' bbq~ luke says they're expecting 40-50 ppl. wow! that's like alot of people. i can't imagine how much food they've prepared for tonight. will buy something for my 3 boys when i head over to the chalet later.

thankyew God, for bringing new hope to my oh-so-boring life. let's pray hard that the new year will be a better one! oh, i can't wait.

i'm still contemplating. who shall be the lucky fella i'll bring to powerhouse's private launch party?
tsk tsk tsk.

2006-12-12T03:14:00.000+08:00

am at baby's place right now. using his computer while he's at his ps2. tsk tsk. this is how gadget freak we get, sometimes.

anyways, can't wait to crash luke's bbq tmr. heh! andre owes me a mayo-corn. or whatever he calls it. apparently to renowned "bbq-er" like him, he says its fantastic. so yeah, i'll give it a try. no harm aye?

baby's busy with setup of the new bars at st.james. wish him all the luck he needs (: jiayou wor!

yeah! i've got invites to his new club launch. powerhouse (: the club he's in-charge of now. lots of effort put in by him! who should i bring? i wonder o.0

gonna type an important letter before i visit dreamland now.

2006-11-16T01:56:00.000+08:00

heys! i'm back again (:

miss me?

anyways, work's still the same. tiring but cool. cool because i'm looking after the outlet now since will's away at indonesia. tiring cause i've to do all the paperwork, ordering for both my side and fish&co's bar. sighs. but i still can manage.

michelle can work under PRESSURE! must prove to uncle chew that!

anyways, have been hanging out at dear's workplace. welcome to St.James's Power Station (: a club! haha. and it's THAT weird cause i seldom club, or rather i don't exactly am the clubbing sort. one reason, mummy doesn't allow. second reason, not exactly my type of crowd. UNLESS my mood feels like clubbing! heh (:

celebrated spencer and mervin's birthday at mono last night. i got my member card le!! yeah (: yes, i'm getting the card coz my boyfriend works there. sounds stupid right? i am. haha.

tired. gonna sleep. many more full shifts to go. sighs.

2006-11-06T01:06:00.000+08:00

my long-awaited off day today. heh.

i accidentally cut my finger today. my left thumb's half-gone le. now it's half-paralysed. sighs. painful la! my flesh's left hanging. went to see the doctor and was given 2 days mc. but will didn't allow me to go home, coz he said he had other APPOINTMENTS. sighs.

baby came down to meet me after work last night. we went to watch midnight movie- "the covenant". not too bad! was about little magic a couple of boys kept quiet about. took a walk after the movie. reached home only about 430am. but, it was nice having baby around.

met up with baby for dinner today. at takashimaya. crystal jade korean ginseng restaurant. i wasn't informed that i was eating with his family la! last minute den told me i was having dinner together. walked around a bit before heading over to harbourfront. accompanied baby to work before i went off. he's working HARD now.

i need to be more understanding to him. i have to be more patient towards him too. i love baby. alot. i need to understand our love and not regret having lose to many chances.

2006-10-21T00:30:00.000+08:00

its been ages since i last logged in. i must apologize for the bad behaviour of chucking my own blog one side. at least let me lament on the couple of reasons why i never had a chance to blog. heh.

1. i'm working everyday.
2. it's full shift 90%.
3. yes, i've worked 32 days without an off day. this is my 1st off day in 32 days. WOW!
4. i seldon go online. coz i can't.
5. i'm lazy!

there! but they're just EXCUSES! yes, i'm finally up to blog about my tiny bits of life. and perhaps, disappear for another few weeks before i'm back online again. haha!

baby's started work at his new work place already. St. James Powerhouse. its located just outside sentosa gateway. baby's working his way up from the start- bartender. he wants to be promoted to at least senior bartender in 3 months. wells, i know he can do it. now, its up to the company. plus, he wants to get the internship sponsered by the company. i hope he's be offered the internship (:

work's been hectic. i've been working ALOT to get extra cash to pay my insurance next january. sighs. i'm breaking down already. read above. 32 days without an off day! that's alot of hard work! sighs! will's going off to indonesia next week for the opening of the new franchise. sighs. i'll be left alone in spore with the store to myself. i MUST work myself up again. i NEED to show them that i CAN work. i've promised baby that i'll work hard. i've promise lily and will that i'll work hard. i cannot fail them!

i need some advice.

baby's back at nightlife now. somehow, i feel insecure. am i thinking too much? perhaps. lily says to be more confident of him and myself. sighs. it's hard. does anyone actually understand how i feel? i can't miss him too much. it'll make me not trust him even more. sighs. i'm confused. now that he's back in nightlife, will my family be able to accept him? mummy doesn't like him already. sighs. now isn't anytime good to let him out of the box. sighs. anyone can enlighten me?

2006-07-20T15:01:00.000+08:00

oops!

it's past a month since i've been online already. wow!! i can hardly imagine how much of gossip i've past. wells, i've been busy. extremely busy- consider working full shift everyday.

life's pretty the same. work's hectic. i just got screwed recently by ricky himself. sighs. just cause of my staff on the floor. oh wells, he have to accept it whether he likes it or not. i'm already down to the minimum staff already. i'm doing opening and closing myself like most of the days already. sighs!! its super tiring la!!

i miss regina and gang. i just went online and i saw those pics you guys took at sentosa!!! without me!!! boos!!! oh wells, i can't help it if i've got to work. sighs. i seriously need time out to have a break. oh yes, if you and me were classmates in poly- yes you! i've been asked AGAIN to have another class outing. let's have it somewhere else other than plain old boring marina aye? gimme some suggestions. send me an sms would be best! consider how long i take to actually go online. anywhere interesting, just let me know yeah? i'll drop a line at friendster as well. so the msg does gets passed down.

hmmm, yes i've got a new baby in my life now. if that's what my little sister- JOAN wants to know. how interesting to have my sister tag me when i see her like everyday. ALTHOUGH its when i see everyone asleep. yeah, i've not been home LATELY. i'm just home LATE. when the whole block's asleep. yeah, the wild cat just arrives home.

baby's a bartender. it runs in his blood. consider being a bartender for more than 8 years? oh wells. he and i are colleagues, but gladly under different bodies. he's officially under O.B while i'm under his parent- M.A.F. which means there won't be any transfer of staff due to relationships that budded from work. what else? my 2 darlings, peksy and alison have seen him already. haha!

i'm bored. finally my off day. gonna go tan i guess.
i'm getting so fat!

just some messages to be posted out:

maitri: i'm so getting fat already. i'm trying not to pig out already. do i appear slim-MER den usual? u should see me in personal!! i seriously need to lose weight!!!

lynnly: i miss you girl (: u've lost so much weight. do myself and urself a favor yeah? please EAT (:

chris and david: yes, the ah lian you know is working at THESIMPLELIFE and FISH&CO. is something wrong with that? i miss you dudes! its been ages since we last hanged out. like when we were still in secondary school? how many years have passed?! takkaire!

regina: MUMMY!!!! i miss you like crazy la!! you look SUPERB!! sexy la. wear bikini go sentosa. hmpf!! i want to go!!! so nice (: the old gang to go down to chill together. but sadly, i can't be there. xuefen wants to chillout again! she's the special someone who suggested yet ANOTHER class outing. sighs. u know me and i know u- who are the usual faces who turn up at the clas outing? ppl who give me face. ha! takkaire yeah? LOVES!

alison baby: nu er! how's school? i miss staying over at your place la. when can we hang out again? hmmm, other den at wheelock place? i'm going to have to move out of there very soon- if not, it'll officially be my second home le. sighs -.-

peksy: thanks for everything babe! you're the sole pillar of support that actually keeps everything moving. me and alison wouldn't still be sane if not for you. BUT of course, i know you'll not be sane if not for us both too!!! hah! i wish you'll find the right guy soon!!! i miss you too (: like so silly when we're just merely separated by one MAIN STREET! but still, i MISS you!! don't get too stressed up at work too yeah?

my mates in FISH&CO: you ppl are the bundles of joy at work. currently the perks in my life other den baby- JUNE ah girl, RIFF my part-time boyfren, JOHN daddy, LY my dearest ah bu, SPENCER the ever crazy dude, MERVIN the "hot" dragon, AFIQ my brother-in-law, PUTRI and LIZA my funny gossip-ers, etc. i LOVE all you ppl!!

there! i tink i DID forget some ppl. but you know me. i still LOVE you!!

takkaire (:
CIAO~

2006-06-13T00:04:00.000+08:00

am back finally. lots of things have happened recently.

uncle will has resigned and his last day is on wed. sighs. ALTHOUGH he has been dissing me for every single day, he is afterall a brother i look up to. a mentor i've learnt alot from and a friend who has taught me how to look at life. he definitely make my days alot more depressing everyday but perhaps, because i really do listen to him. like what my dearest ringo who asks why i take uncle will's comments hard on myself? i've got no clue myself. perhaps, a lost soul would take any directions shown to her? perhaps.

tsk tsk.

i guess fairytales are never meant for the reality world. it defeats the purpose of a "happy ending" when nothing ever turns out the way it was thought it'll end. only in dreams.

baby and i have parted. yes, i initiated it. i'm still nursing the open wound which i've just stubbornly thrown salt on. now, the wound's burning from the inside. i'm breaking up from the inside. this sucks. big time.

i need to learn to let go.

2006-06-04T19:48:00.000+08:00

first and foremost, a big SORRY for to the many people who have given up knowing more of my life. l've been busy with lots of stuff.

work. family. him.

let's start with work. my dearest uncle has tendered his resignation. sighs. i'll be left alone, facing everything on my own with no one to nag at me already. i'm already beginning to miss him. no one to tell me off, no one to sit me down and shoot me in my guts till tears drop, no one to hold onto when i need someone badly, no one to exchange vulgarities and last but not the least, no one to be my brother and a mentor. i could still remember me at the office just before simplelife opened. he was a funny guy who was always stationed to be a "customer" at my group. i'll always be caught in a laughing fit when its my turn. don't ask me why but we never gotten a chance to role play together. heh. starting simplelife together was tiring, challenging but interesting. i could still remember our closest clique- andy, ila, ain and myself to be ever-so-close with uncle. we're always teasing uncle when he laments that he wants to leave. and we'll tell him that we'll leave when he leaves. wells, simplelife has brought about tonnes of memories. both good and bad. i can still remember that 1st staff that got "86" bcoz of a silly accident. i met many new friends from all sorts of walking life. i learnt lots of different stuff from different people, people who have gone through much more than me. i got a chance to be attached to the bar to be a bar-maid (: i got a chance to work at fish&co, both ways. i got a chance to work alongside with uncle. i got a chance to know this great gentleman- lambert, who treats me like his own (: i had a chance to fall for a simplelife guy, who brought me great joy but dousled it out when he fell for my little godsister. we're the bestest friends till now. i had a chance to fall for a fish&co guy who taught me to be strong even when we don't see each other that often. now by chance, i got to fall for the current guy who totally completes me. i miss having vanessa around. i miss having lays around. i miss having my girl, ila around. all the sweet memories are all shut in the 4 walls of simplelife. now, a new manager's gonna fill uncle's position. i'm not at all excited, i must lament. afterall, she didn't see baby simplelife grow. so what if she's that capable? oh wells, i shouldn't be that prejudiced against her. i haven't gotten a chance to work with her YET. sighs. i miss uncle.

how about him?

i miss him badly. lots of things happened that have drived a wedge between us. i guess he's holding it all back. here i am, doing my best to salvage it but i hear nothing from him at all. is it all gone too soon? i accept his past. i accept his present moment, present situation. i accept his future. i'm willing to trudge along with time. i'm willing to let days, weeks, months and years past. i'm doing everything i can to get the better half of him to react to my actions but i don't see any reaction from him. have the chemisty just died off? or is he just avoiding what he's frustrated over? i miss baby. ALOT! i've spent too many nights tearing over him that i don't even know why the tears fall now. where have he gone to? why have he disappeared just like that? am i really supposed to be non existent till everything's over? sighs. i want baby back. i'm emotionally scarred already. i wish to hide away from the whole world and just stop time at this instance. if only everything could be back to normal. him, back at my side. is that selfish? sighs.

i want u back. the memories of us are haunting me everynight.

i miss u.

2006-05-10T22:50:00.000+08:00

didn't meet up with baby today. he's tied down with work. sighs. he still wants to work even when he's not feeling well. even his boss has told him not to work. sighs. i can't say nothing too. he's a workaholic, a major one too.

stayed home the whole day, watching my illegally downloaded movies and surfing around. bored, i must say! was supposed to meet alan this morning but i couldn't drag myself out of bed. stayed out till late with baby last night. he came over to pick me up after work. drove around and just enjoyed each other's company. being with baby's really sweet coz its where i really can be myself. i can sulk, be childlike or be wild with him. haha (:

sighs.

i wanna go shopping. but i'm like so broke!

when will i get my money back? i really don't wish to think of it going to charity. seriously! i'm just disappointed that i put my heart into it and gave in when he asked. now, he's back to being out of contact again. as usual! when will he ever find the initiative to return the stash? sighs.

baby says he'll pass me the cash instead of me still waiting for his reply. but i rather he return the cash himself. not just bcoz its my own stash but its what i call- R.E.S.P.O.N.S.I.B.I.L.I.T.Y. sighs. when he was down under, i was there for him. but now, he's back to his shell again. and it just sucks coz perhaps i was too naive. yes, i was too mesmerised. now, i have to suffer. financially. damn!

whatever.

gonna lie on bed, chill with sounding music that echos through my ears and wait till i fall asleep.

i miss baby. especially when he runs his hand through my hair when i fall asleep. i like it when he kiss the tip of my nose and my forehead. i like it when he holds my hand. i like it when he brings me to the beach, laugh at me when i wet my shoes and laugh at it all together. basically, he just makes me complete (:

making me fall head over heels over him more (n_n)

2006-05-10T14:27:00.000+08:00

my off day today. i'm already starting to miss vanessa!! my bestest girlfren at work!! sighs. she went back to philippines this morning. came over yesterday for the last time to say bye to her working colleagues. people started crying again. sighs. passed her the present already. i've left the photos that i'll be mailing over to her.

i miss baby (:

2006-05-08T23:00:00.000+08:00

am doing morning shift this week. more time to relax, shop, eat and spend time with my baby (:

am so shagged now. my plates from warehouse was sent over this afternoon. both will and i spend hald the day un-packing and packing away. now, the restaurant's in a mess!! sighs. oh wells, can't stop the warehouse from sending in the goods aye? at least, i'm having new set of plates etc now.

baby's not feeling well. was sent to NUH to see the doctor. sighs. was given 2 days mc but he still insists of going to work tmr. sighs. was supposed to meet him today but he wanted me to go home and rest while he visit the doctor. wells, at least his boss brought him over- so i wasn't that worried. he's too focused on his job- most of his time. always giving up his rest and sleep. now, he's fallen ill. its time for him to recharge his worn-out batteries.

i want a break. out of singapore, if possible. but where to? sighs.

2006-04-29T13:15:00.000+08:00

had our wheelock chalet on monday 24-25th. i must say it was pretty messed up from the start coz we were all working and had to rush down from everywhere and anywhere over to aloha. but heys, its a nice place out there (: all thanks to spencer!!

went down after work and stayed over although i had to work full shift the next day. went to pick kate up from giraffe before going over to her place to collect her belongings and we headed over to aloha together. her first chalet!! most of the fish&co staff went for the chalet. unlike simplelife (u_u) oh wells, the people in my kitchen aren't the type to socialise anyway. lily liang came with her husband, peter as well. she said lance left before i came!! ooohh!! i missed her little boy. anyways, will and ben was really nice bbq-ing stuff for me and kate to have. will even announced loudly tt he needed to feed me well coz i had to work full shift the next day. there were really loads of drinks la!! phew (: i didn't drink any. not at all. just 1 tiny sip ioof martell- it didn't taste nice.

went back to work the next day. bad news!! fell sick. had HIGH FEVER, BAD STOMACH CRAMPS, THROWING UP, WRINKLED FINGERS, FEELING COLD THE WHOLE DAY, etc. stayed till 7 pm before will came down after i S.O.S him. i waved the white flag already. i was flushed pale, and totally had no strength. i threw up nothing but water. i couldn't even retain water. sighs. went to see the doctor the next day and had 2 days mc.

went back to work yesterday. not too bad just that running shift's a wee bit difficult coz of the consistent stomach cramps which still hurts. sighs. but i'm feeling ok. i still need to work, aye?

gotta go off to work now.

i hate it!! i'm not 21 thus NO PROGRESS PACKAGE!! what nonsense for those who are still working BUT are not at all 21 yet?? ridiculous!!

say whatever you want. blah!!!

2006-04-16T13:01:00.000+08:00

am bored bored bored (u_u)

working closing through the month now. sighs!! how UNINTERESTING can my life be? oh wells, my life kinda just revolves around work and more work. BOOS!! its just wheelock and home for me wor!!

thank god for baby!! he's been really sweet (: he makes an effort to meet me after work, be it after 5pm OR 11pm. i like the journey back with baby (: have been going over to waterfront these few days to relax and chill, looking at the water make laps against the wall. the time spent together always disappears in a glance- if only time could stand still when i'm with baby (:

changed my schedule for this week. cause baby's got competition (: gonna go cheer for him!! wee!! he says he'll pick me up from work to go down together, IN CASE i get lost AGAIN!! hahaha!!

saw him last night. the next time i can spend time with him is on thurs!! wee!! i can't wait.

yes, i'm being a little small kid (: BOOS!!

2006-04-09T22:34:00.000+08:00

wow!! i've not been online for AGES again!!!

i've been STILL busy. am finally doing openings now. giving me more time to spend with my dear (: sweet sweet!! but i'll be doing closing from 14th, good friday onwards. sighs!!

all the more i've to work hard at studying the menu for GIRAFFE!!! ahhh!!! but its so difficult!!! especially when its global food. wow!! lots more for me to learn!!!

had a couple of unhappy days at work due to some really BAD miscommunications!! that made me SUPER mad. sighs!! but its over now, hopefully!!

hennie came over to TSL today. he looks much better now, as compared to the other day when he looked SICK!! anyways, he was SO sweet!! he bought a white top from esprit for me. though he did get 50% off coz hassan was working, but heys! its the thought that counts. i don't mind, though it's 3 months late!! haha!!

i miss my dear!!

2006-03-31T12:29:00.000+08:00

SORRY!!!

i know that i've not been updating for EONS!! wells, i've been busy. lots of things happening around me. let's have some updates- i know u're not interested!

wells, GIRAFFE just opened and its been pretty chaotic. wells, i've been doing closing since 3 weeks ago. reason being will having to run both restaurants- helping hennie out. wells, i've went down to check it out already. i must say it's pretty nice a restaurant. but its very HOT ah!!! like glasshouse wor. GREENHOUSE EFFECT!!

i have gotten the ONITSUKA TIGER white boston bag le!!! yeah!!! can check it out when i have time to upload the pics up. nice nice!!

finally, found someone nice and sweet! lalala~

i'm a happy girl (:

2006-03-09T23:09:00.000+08:00

i'm feeling lonely. depressed's probably the word to suggest to others how i exactly feel. to feel lonely and left out is painful enough. not having any assurance is even more painful.

sometimes, i wonder what's giving me the strength to actually still hold on for so long. especially when i've not seen him for a total of 122 days. am i the naive little girl who still believes in the 4 letter word called- L.O.V.E?

probably.
how "romantic"!

i wonder what drug i've consumed to hold on for so long. sighs. do i really like him that much to hold on even after not seeing him for 122 days? i've no direct answer to reply to that question i pose to myself everyday. am i tormenting myself? perhaps.

tsk tsk.

those who encouraged me to spill the beans to him are now telling me not to waste my time. isn't it the same as just sitting on the fence? wouldn't it be the same as telling me at the first place not to tell him my feelings? i guess, i'm always the silly naive girl- who never learns. there's nothing in my dictionary that explains to me in simple terms on fixing the problem. yes, call me a hopeless lover.

wells, i guess i just wish to hear from him and be assured that he's doing fine. i do miss him badly and really wish to see him.

in these 122 days which i've not seen him- i've actually dropped a tear for him. yes, i actually did. the person i hold close to my heart pushed me away and asked me to look for someone better; and to move and not to waste my time on him. sighs. it literally broke my heart into pieces. what could i say? i shot him back and asked him a question- don't you miss me? the reply he gave was what i wanted- yes. that was it! i just told him i'll still hold on and pushing me away will not make things better. instead, it'll hurt both of us even more.

sighs. am i holding expectations of him now? especially when i've not seen him for so long already.

i miss him badly.
it's a real pity.

friends i hold dear to my heart know who this special someone is, but yet i'm not able to disclose him name.

pray and give me luck.perhaps the time i can type his name out front will be when i'm happy with him.

now, let's just call him- dear. just the way i call him.(:

2006-03-06T22:18:00.000+08:00

wells, i'm back once again!

i'm just bored. had 2 days off in total. sighs.

wells, call me SLOW but yes- i just caught 1/2 of that silly "tammy" sex video. its SO uninteresting la! why will ppl actually waste their time to watch it? beats me. ask myself- cause i was BORED?

perhaps.

anyways, was supposed to have a tan today BUT the weather didn't allow me to leave the house la! sighs! haven't had a tan since donkey years already. i miss the sun!! i miss being a lobster (: saddist aye?

bored. bored. bored.

have been online since morning. and yes, i've not done anything USEFUL for the whole day. wells, that's what i call relaxing? perhaps. especially when i've got 2 full shifts to accomplish when i get back to work tmr. hmmm, hopefully we can settle a day and time for KTV!! especially since yonglin's going for NS already!! haha (:

sighs. gonna get back to downloading my stuff. just had a movie marathon la! watched texas chain massacre, saw 2, big momma house 2. woah! call it STRAIN FOR THE EYES!!

wee! see you guys around (:
takkaire.
outta here.

2006-03-05T23:39:00.000+08:00

i'm back. like forever!

quick update. broke the rule- went drinking with spencer and yonglin last night. sighs! what they say is SO right. without shawn with us, is SO different! sighs. stayed sober throughout.

slept at 5 in the morning before waking up at 1230 to go off to suntec to meet regina. had her lenses done and headed over to marina to walk around. didn't get anything. sighs!

met up with alan and had dinner. back home dazed now.
yawns.

gonna slp now.
ciao!

2006-02-18T17:16:00.000+08:00

i'm back! like after a super long while!! wow, its been eons since i've been online. and yes, i agree that i do seem like i somehow kind of disintegrated into the air. phew, i'm back!!

hmmm, let's see.

i'm currently sick! that's also the reason why i'm online cause i'm on mc. yeah, it sucked!! i'm like half dead or something. it hurt really badly. sighs! had to return to the doctor's for reference again. wow!

anyways, i went over to his place last week with the help of my good buddy. thanks dude! waited for the whole week for an answer until today!! he msged me, like finally!!! yeah (:

wells, i must say i'm happy. at least, it did lighten my burden of being sick now. wow!!

anyways, other den just him who i miss alot, i miss my dearest jo-ann too!!
sighs!! everyone's everywhere especially in aussie! wow (:

alright. gotta go rest now.
bye!!

2006-01-28T15:01:00.000+08:00

happy new year- yet again! haha.

wells, its a whole new year and its a brand new start. hopefully, everything goes smoothly for this year.

let's see. i'm currently a management trainee. yes, i signed the paper and i'm full-timing at thesimplelife where i work now. how's that for a start? hmmm, not too bad i guess.

been really busy these few days. lots to learn and to understand. things that are far out of my level of comprehension but heys, i've got nothing to lose by learning something new aye?

i miss him. badly!
haven't seen him since nov last year.
sighs.

if only he knew exactly how i've been going through.

2006-01-02T19:06:00.000+08:00

happy new year!

had a really funky gathering with my girls just last week. we went to this really pink cafe, yeah- read PINK cafe called miss clarity over at bugis, as suggested by regina. hmmm, the food's not too bad considering the price we have to pay. was really cool catching up with the girls. we had dinner at miss clarity's and after which we went over to breko, as suggested by nash- cuijie's boy. not too bad place to chill too (: i had this really quirky drink called quicksand or smth? first time actually ordering a drink with more coffee than my regular mocha ice blended. heh! but i must say i wasn't really strong, all thanks to the ice cream i ordered to be added with a cookie dipped into the blended. stayed till pretty late before heading back home with my dear regina.

i'm pretty glad to start my new year right. wells, at least to the simple me- it does seem right. perhaps, for now? because i managed to get an answer from someone after not hearing from him for so long. it was like a wish come true? especially when i was talking about it the whole night and i must say that i was pretty surprised to receive a reply after not hearing from him for like 2 months? heh! i'm pretty satisfied aye? perhaps.

at least, i know he's safe and sound.
that's all i wanted to know.

my little boost in happiness (:

2005-12-28T00:29:00.000+08:00

life's been bumpy these few days. sighs, what can i say about them? my life pretty just sucks every other day. no big deal, i guess.

it's a few days to the year 2006. i wouldn't say i'm really excited, neither would i say i'm not. i would rather say it's a mixed feeling i have. i'm pretty excited about a new year to come, a new opportunity and a new start but then again, i'll be carrying wounds that have not been healed over to the new year. wounds that have not been healed, or rather not given a chance to heal. i'll be lying if i say that it doesn't bother me or that it doesn't hurt cause it does bother and hurt me. hell lot!

i wish to be given a chance- to explain myself and to hear an explanation myself.

perhaps, i'm still being stubborn and not willing to let go. naive aye? but it was you who said it wasn't silly cause there's no stupid or clever in being in love. you said to follow my heart and do what my heart really wants. i agree that outsiders can only give me the advice, but the final decision be it good or bad still lies in my hands. you said that you'll be there for me to pick me up and to catch me when i fall- especially when i fell for you. now that you're gone, i'm left with just sweet nothings that i'm surprisingly still holding onto. have i gone dependent on your sweet nothings to me? or have i just fell hard again?

i'm tired of being this way. after the different incidents that happened in this 6 months, i'm no longer the me i used to be. is it because i've been affected by the different incidents? perhaps. afterall, i did put my heart into them but got nothing out of it. just a heartbreak which left me scarred. i've lost it once- being silly to get myself drunk over an idiot. it does make me feel silly when i think back about it. now, i've caused myself to fall hard for another. am i just not given a chance to feel what's it to be happy? am i just too young to understand what it means to feel loved? it really does makes me think if i'm jinx-ed cause everything's smooth till the something happens that causes me to lose everything.

sighs.

life's in a tumble.
if only he's back.

i miss him.
alot.

2005-12-23T23:09:00.000+08:00

wells, i'm counting down. it's coming christmas. am i excited? not much to feel excited about.

feeling sick.
feeling down.
feeling lonely.

it just sucks.

big time!

i'm still missing him. but people around me wants me to give him up now. i'm clueless now. yeah, i'm in a dilemma. this sucks. telling me to give up on someone you like alot.

but i understand that they care for me. i guess, i'm like jinx-ed?

whatever the reason, i'm always falling into similar traps. feelings that were expressed than was left to hang without any time boundaries. i'm pretty tired of it.

i'm now physically, mentally and emotionally tired.

not to say that i've got another big decision to choose from. this decision has a dateline set.
sighs.

if only he was here with me.
i've got his present with me already.

still missing him.
alot (:

2005-12-06T18:43:00.000+08:00

i guess we all learn best when we go through a setback in our lives.
be it in our career, family, financial, relationships, etc.

for me?

i guess i'll always have to learn it through the hard way. i never seem to get my hands not tangled in prickly matters. especially when it matters with feelings of the heart.

am i wrong again this time round?
please don't tell me that i'm wrong once again.

i've played this silly game called love too many times- wrongly. when will i ever get this game right? am i not playing it according to the rules? am i not playing it fair?

or am i just not ready?

nevertheless, i've already fallen for someone.
perhaps, it's wrong again.

sighs.
i'm now in a dilemma.
i'm contemplating if i should look for him or just leave him as he is.

i'm in such a fix.
perhaps, i created this mess again.

sighs.
and yes, did i mention i'm sick again?

like what the fuck?

just last week, i was sick.
now this week, i'm sick again.

damn!

this time round, it's gastric flu. i've no idea what the hell that is. it's the first time i had this stupid illness. damn! it hurt like fuck and yes, it's been 4 years since i cried because of pain due to illness.

the last time i cried bcoz of pain, i was sent to the hospital and i was so afraid i had to go to the hospital that day. the pain was so intense. kept throwing up as well. was definitely different from why i ended up in the hospital 4 years ago. sighs.

anyways, am taking loads of medicine now. sighs.
i'm like a walking crap.

fuck!

i don't like the way i am now.

i miss him.
if only he's here with me.

sighs. if only i could make it known to the people around me.

i'm missing him.
and it has become my latest hobby.

sighs.

2005-11-30T00:23:00.000+08:00

i'm tired.

i'm tired of having to put on this mask everytime i go to work now.
i'm tired of having to put up with the various questions posed to me.
i'm tired of having to smile and look good, when i'm not at all inside.
i'm tired of having to put up a brave front to everyone out there.
i'm tired of having numbed myself up.

i'm bottled up.

the least i can do is cry. i'll definitely feel better.
but even tears don't fall.

have i cried too much the last time round?
or have i numbed myself to the extent that tears simply don't fall?

i'm breaking up inside.
yet, i've no other way of venting it out.

i wish to let it out, but how?

i don't wish to be a burden.
i don't wish to be a problem.

sighs.

i've no idea how he is now.
i'm totally clueless.

and i still miss him.
it sucks.

i thought i would have the discipline not to sms him. i thought i could do that. but i broke my own barricade, hoping i could get a reply when there was none at the end.

i hate myself for being a naive fool- once again.
i'm so screwed.

2005-11-26T23:36:00.000+08:00

aren't feeling well.

bad flu.
bad cough.
bad fever.
bad headache.
bad wheezing.
bad throat.

just bad, BaD, BAD!

ahhh!!!

will and lily made me go off early today. made me go see the doctor. sighs. i did, was a good girl. doctor gave me some really strong medicine to control my coughing and flu. after having a 4 hour nap, i'm finally feeling much better. probably, mummy's right. i'm overworked.

sighs. i've no idea myself.

i'm still thinking of him.
i've no idea how he is now. and yes, i'm worried sick. i'm not sure if he's even alive.

yes, it sounds really cranky but i've not heard him since the 17th. he promised not to disappear or ignore me de. now, i'm haven't got a clue what's wrong with him. i'm doing my best not to care, but not caring is the one hell of a hard task. my mind's just thinking and wondering if he's fine. wondering if he's safe and sound. wondering if he's healthy. wondering if he's eating and sleeping well. i just wish to know if he's in good hands.

asked korkor today if he had contacted him. korkor just shrugged and said perhaps something really happened to him. sighs. i'm afraid something happened to him as well. i hope it's not something bad, but i'm worried it might be too. sighs.

why won't you reply?
at least i know you're safe and in good hands.

everyone's worried for you.

what is it that you're afraid of?
what is it that you're not willing to talk about?

i'm tired emotionally, physically and mentally already. i don't wish to worry more for you now. but not hearing from you is getting at me. i'm angry at myself for not being able to get angry with you. i'm angry at myself for not being able to stop myself from caring for you. it's just hard not to care.

your last message to me was for me to take good care of myself.

what's happening to you?
did you do something stupid to yourself?
did you do something to yourself that has made you regret?

why did you ask me to take good care of myself?
after that message, you've disappeared till now. what's wrong with you? why wouldn't you let me know?

i'm afraid.
i'm afraid to lose.
i'm afraid to lose you.
i'm afraid to lose whatever you gave me.

i'm still holding on.
i'm still missing you.

please return.

i miss you, badly.

2005-11-25T23:02:00.000+08:00

many things have happened. my life have been going through ups and downs for the whole of november.

i'm getting tired of them already. tired physically, emotionally and mentally.

i'm still missing him.
he has gone missing for 2 weeks already.

here i am, very sick.

i can't eat.
i can't sleep.
i can't swallow.
i'm throwing up.
i'm half dead.

i'm still missing him.
badly.

2005-10-24T19:11:00.000+08:00

i've learnt my ways.

i must move on.

there's no one else for me to hold on for now.

i'm left with nothing.

only hurt, pain and regret.
but now, it's all too late for them.

i've to learn how to pick myself up once again.
i've to learn how to play a better me in front of the rest now.

i've to play a "bubbly" me- once again.

heart's broken.
left with nothing.

终于明白爱已不在。
从今以后再也没有什么能去依赖，我还有什么期待。

就让我彻底地伤，再彻底地醒过来。

2005-10-23T00:37:00.000+08:00

i'm tired. i really am.

not meaning the physical me. i mean the emotional and mental me. perhaps, i've tasted how bitter this painful memory lane. perhaps, i've tried it once too much and now it has burnt the tip of my tongue. the same as it has hurt my inner self.

i guess it's time for me to move on. i know that it's difficult to move on without closure. but i guess what my girlfriends say is true.

they don't wish for me to ask for any closure, for fear another round of emotional hurricane. they're doing for my good and for my safety. sighs.

i know they're really sweet. but i don't like things to be left hanging. but i guess, nothing's much left to say for us. perhaps, the closure i want will never be the closure i want. i'll probably hurt myself even more then.

sighs.

i thought i was strong enough.
but i guess i was wrong.

i need to pick up the pieces again. yes, it's hurting to pick up the shattered pieces with my bare hands, alone. but it'll hurt more if i don't even wish to pick them up. i'll stay broken for along time. and i don't wish for that happen.

i want to be strong.
he knew me as a independent and strong ladiee.

i'll prove him right.
and to the others who loves me too.

but i'll have to fight it out within myself.
i'll have to hurt myself to the end to break free.

to forget.
and move on.

yes, someone who i still like.
but of no value am i to him now.

no point of waiting.
no point of holding on.

just no point.
plain pointless.

i must move on.

i can't be selfish to not think of the feelings of the people around me.
they're the real people who cares about me.
they're the real people who loves me.

i must move on.
i must be strong.

will i make it in the end?

2005-10-07T14:52:00.001+08:00

i've learnt my ways. i've learnt from my mistakes. i've learnt from my stupid doings. i've learnt it all too late.

now i've regretted.
i really do.

i want to grow up fast. if only i could.

i'll be strong.
i'll be mature.
i'll be sensible.

can we start all over again?
please don't say goodbye.

2005-09-30T15:48:00.000+08:00

many things have overwhelmed me. i'm lost speechless and have lost all sense of directions. i wish to fall back, hide in the shadows and not be seen. my heart's tearing up inside. i wish to stay strong. but, it's all breaking me up inside. i wish to hold back the tears, but when i don't wish to cry- the tears fall; and when i wish to cry- the tears just don't fall.

what's going on with everything around me? nothing else seems real now. i'm living in a dream. i don't wish to wake up. i really don't. but it's hurting me so much that i have no other choice but to break out of that dream i weaved with my own hand, with my own words, with my own feelings.

i've risked it all.
now everyone knows about it.

but i guess, i was never part of it. i was the game. i played my own feelings in this bet. and yes, i've lost- sadly.

i guess everything revolves just around that special someone of his. it hurt really badly when he went all out to see that special someone. it really hurt when he was there in front of me, happy to see that special someone. it hurt even more when i had to be the middle person between them. why do you have to treat me this way? since everyone already seems to know, don't surprise me by telling me you don't. you're perhaps just treating me like a little sister, but do you know how much it hurts to be that little sister of yours? do you know how much i want to let you know my feelings? do you know how much it is to pretend nothing's wrong in front of you? do you know how much it is to smile in front of you when you've hurt me- not that you know of. i want to shout, cry, make a big fuss out of it, but i can't. i just can't.

because i chose this path.

i chose to fall for you. i chose to fall for your smile. i chose to fall for your maturity. i chose to fall for your sense of humor. i chose to fall for your sensitivity. i chose to fall for your surprises. i chose to fall for you, because i accept you. i accept you like my own. i accept you because of the way i feel when i'm with you. when i'm with you, i can be myself. when i'm with you, i can be the little girl in my heart. i can be the little child who's seeking for company. i can be the little girl who yearns for someone to hold her hand.

but everything's gone twisted now.

i can't be myself when i'm with you. because i'm stressed. i've got too many things in my mind. i'm wondering if you're just treating me as a little sister. i'm wondering if you're just making it up- that's if you already know. i'm wondering if you're just making me the fool? i'm wondering if you're just pretending to be nice. i'm wondering if you're just afraid to break my heart.

but at the end, i'm wondering why i even bother to stay at your side. i'm wondering why i'm that silly. i'm wondering why i don't leave. i'm wondering why i still go all the way out with you to make you happy. i'm wondering why i still go out with you.

is it because it's just you? is it because i've fallen hard for you?

perhaps.
perhaps, i don't mind getting hurt.
perhaps, i don't mind being used.
perhaps, i don't mind being the fool.
perhaps, i don't mind being the naive little girl.
perhaps, i don't mind being the silly one.

perhaps.

i can't blame you for anything. i played my feelings in this game called love. i placed the bet- my feelings. i played the game. i played it big and now, i've lost big time. does that mean i should stop now? yeah, i believe so.

i want to stand up again. i don't wish to hang out there any longer. it's cutting me up inside. since my feelings were not accepted, i'll just have to shake it off.

it was never your fault. i can never blame you. afterall, i played this game on my own. it's your choice who you fall for. and because it's you, i'll never blame you. instead, i'll do anything you say. as long as you're happy. yes, even if i were to leave just to make you happy, i'll do it. as long as you're happy, i'll do anything- even if i were to hurt myself in the process, i'll do so. at least i know, you'll be able to smile. so i'll do anything. i will.

call me silly.
call me naive.
call me stupid.

call me anything you want.
perhaps, it's because you're the dream i wish i had.

if i can't have this little dream of mine, why not let this dream of mine find his dream?

if i can't have this little dream of mine, why not let this dream of mine find his happiness?

am i wrong to speak of it this way?
am i wrong?

silly aye?
he's afterall just my dream. a little girl's dream.
he's afterall just a little bubble. a little bubble which i'm trying hard not to burst.
he's afterall just a fantasy.

perhaps, if i wake myself up to reality- i'll really be able to forget?
is there any chance in which you can forget someone you yearn for?

i guess not.
can i not wake up?
can i not, please?

can i still keep this little dream of mine?
can i still keep this little bubble of mine?

"michelle, when will you ever learn?"

-i don't wish to learn.

2005-09-28T14:58:00.000+08:00

some things took a turn yesterday. it was my fault. i shouldn't have expected. it just created more problems for me.

sighs.

i'm in a little world of mine.
don't wake me up.
don't pop that bubble i have.

you're all i wish i have.
but you'll never be what i wish for.

2005-09-23T16:44:00.000+08:00

lots of things have happened lately. let's just say there were both happy and unhappy stuff that happened. let's cut things short.

went clubbing with my group of friends from work on sunday. wells, we headed over to chinablack after work. to chill with will and basically celebrate his birthday. was really cool! but things started to turn wee ugly? people started to become drunk and all took turns to throw up. sighs. i took turn looking after the boys and girls. sighs- it was scary looking at them throw up. badly. clubbed till near 5 before heading over my friend's place to stay over. we were practically "saints" since we could work before clubbing, enjoyed ourselves clubbing and still go back to work after clubbing! woohoo!! energizer bunnies!! haha.

have been hanging out with him till late these few days. wells, i must say i'm drowning myself. yes, i don't deny it. i'm the silly girl, the silly naive one with a little dream of her own.

2005-09-15T22:51:00.000+08:00

not feeling well. having a cold now. sighs. when did i get this cold? i wonder. hopefully, not on tuesday? sighs.

anyways, i'm becoming very dry now. sighs.

i'm missing him more and more.
he's getting into me more now.
is he even the one?

sighs.
just a dream.

only a dream.

2005-09-11T00:30:00.000+08:00

just bought 512mb mmc card. now my phone's like my mp3 player. haha.

bored.

you're just my dream.
but making everyone happy around me is a better solution than hoping for people to make my day.

2005-09-09T00:37:00.000+08:00

just finished a camp yesterday. hai sing catholic high school. venue was located at CDANS bukit batok. camp wasn't too bad, 2D1N. just that i didn't hang out with the instructors a real lot. wells, it was afterall my 2nd camp with them. sighs. we only bonded like on the last day? heh.

met up with alan for dinner. was supposed to meet will but some things cropped up? had mos burger for dinner and watched "one more chance"- the jack neo newest movie. wells, i didn't quite like it. it was touching, but i didn't exactly fancy the show.

went shopping with andy during our break today. bought a keychain and a wallet! yeah! finally!! ripcurl (:

i'm a happy girl (: just got my pay from simplelife. can't wait for my camp pay and fish&co pay too!

gonna get a new mmc card alr. probably look around tmr? get andy to look around with me ba.

outta here.
hitting the sack-

2005-09-06T00:05:00.000+08:00

you're making me fall for you.

even more.

(:

2005-09-04T15:24:00.000+08:00

sat alone. tears fell down. they just rolled down my cheeks as i lay my head on the table. my world seems to have lost its beautiful colors. maybe i lost them. maybe i did.

tears fell. my heart's breaking up inside. i've got no place to let them all out. it's hurting inside. i felt my heart shiver every time a tear fell. no one there to catch the tear. no one understands. no one knows. no one for me to lean on. not a shoulder for me to lean on for my pillar of support.

everything's in a whirl. i'm lost. looking for directions. but i don't see any around.

i wish to hold on.

i wish to hold on to his smile, basically hold on to him.

but i've lost hope in holding on. how much i want to, it's really breaking me up inside. to have so near yet so far away from me. he's out of reach.

i'm a fool.

i really am.

love is not to forget, but to forgive. not to see but understand. not to hear but to listen. not to let go but HOLD ON!!!