Monday, January 24, 2005
+ ii triedd to erasee my thoughts about youu ]]
__ but ii just could not `
* you just camee // -
# - and had neverr left my mind sincee ;
youu\ took my heart away.
i guess my heart's taken away; or somewhat just an empty shell. perhaps i'm digging deeper into this endless pit. oh well, i assume- it'll never be alright.
now i understand how peksy dear felt. i guess i'm having an on-off affection for someone as well. but just like what i've said, its just an on-off affection. i doubt it will even last. perhaps, i've got no confidence to let it last. or rather, i would like it to die off on its own.
dinosaur asked me today, if i was afraid to love again. well, i guess i am.
but whatever it is, i'll still not choose dinosaur. even if there's no one else in this whole blardy world, he's not going to even make the list. am i being really mean? or well, my dear girlfwens will understand.
looking back to the past, after daddy left me- i feel empty. is that due to the lack of father love? i doubt myself before i go into a relationship. or rather, i doubt my every doings. sometimes, i don't udnerstand myself. i cheat myself every single day- perhaps, to live a
happier life. but will that even last? everytime i shut my eye, the emptiness and lonliness in my heart overcomes myself. looking at the people around me, all my fwens- do all of them have a happy family? perhaps, the majority do. some come from a single family, while others- a broken one. everyone have a sad story behind them, and everyone presses on to live a better day.
i wish them all well :))
someone asked me last week, whether i may consider my future boyfwen to smoothly become my future husband. i pondered for a long time before i answered him. everyone's answer was
yes. but mine's a flat
no. when i look at my fwens around me, i secretly envy them. and yes, i wish them well and happiness. but to me, finding a soulmate is slightly different from finding a boyfwen. i definitely don't expect my future boyfwen to
be my future husband; cause having expectations- leads to more problems. many a times, couples quarrel due to the lack of communications. if my future boyfwen can really be my future husband- why not? but heys, i don't wish to be tied down early as well. heh. with no high expectations of one another comes lesser miscommunications and misconceptions. is religion a factor as well? perhaps. i dunno myself. i'm not one strong believer myself, and i'm definitely waivering. sigh. oh wells, life
still goes on.
wells, i'm facing a big dilemma. i'm stuck btw decisions for the lentern skit. oh wells, i
did promise louis that i'll help out for the lentern skit, and of cause he was happy that i could commit. but now, i doubt i can. actually, i can still commit, its just that conflict of interest is rising heatedly in this group now. plus, that dumb girl got her 'siblings' to help out. people who cannot get things done
right. perhaps, i'm being mean. but hey, i'm looking at the welfare of the group! first there are disagreements that we still can't settle, now we have people we can't work with. how else does she want to spoil the skit? i'm being
really nice when i said i could commit, at least allow me to do God's work in peace. and now, crap happens. i'm so gonna leave that fucking place soon. instead of finding peace, i find more disturbance instead.
now tell me, how to do God's work?
p.s: pls let ziyan's fwen get healed soon. don't let her be worried too much :))
[
dreamt `]
at
11:38 PM
