am-`
michelle
black girl aka chocolate (:
28o81985
twenty-two
cafe del mar
beach captain
promiscuous
workaholic
alcoholic
shopaholic
procrastinator
party animal
beach bummer
lovee-`
my dearest sweethearts(:
my darling girlfriends (:
ah-bee (:
hugs&kisses
interlocked fingers
playing in the rain
sunrise&sunset
fireworks
star gazing
retail therapy
party therapy
food haven
speed rides
hard liquor, bubbly champagne
sweets!
wants-`
braids/cornrolls?
new phone
new watch
new hair makeover
sneakers/flats/heels/boots
skinny haviannas
newurbanmale clock
jacket/pullover/cardigan
the boyfriend's shirt
one more boyfriend's shirt
skinny belt
paul smith floral perfume
diesel perfume
calvin klein europhia perfume
calvin klein eternity perfume
dior fahrenheit 32 perfume
kenneth cole RSVP perfume
that ray bans shades
marc ecko E850361
full body massage&spa
lose 5kg
trip down to port dickson (:
photo with *him
a good holiday!
vehicle license
you-`
alinah`
alison`
joan`
jo-ann`
lynnly`
pek geok`
regina`
nadiah`
helly`
song`
linette`
eunice`
bala`
dizzy`
joleen`
lays`
Saturday, August 06, 2005
sighs. lots of things have happened lately, or rather perhaps its just me. being too sensitive? being too naive? i guess so. and the best part of all, i'm the fool who's being ridiculous. maybe i'm just not used to it. or rather, maybe not exposed to such stuff. sighs.
somehow, i feel a wee bit useless. actually, quite alot. and yes, it's putting me down quite alot. i don't wish to brood over it but somehow it just brings me down to a lower level. and the feeling really sucked. big time! but no one seems to be level-headed to talk to me. personally one to one. heart-to-heart.
"girl, this is how the working world is like."
yeah, all the answers can be sum up to that sentence. but heys, i'm really not ready to face such world you're talking about. i must admit that i've been having my way since i was young. not as a pampered spoilt brat but as a rebellious punk who thinks the whole world owes her something. yeah, that was me. so perhaps, i never was exposed to that nonsense you adults talk about. or rather, i always pushed it aside and just left them with you adults to solve them. i don't like things this way. i seriously don't. perhaps, i can't handle stress? or rather, i can't handle my own emotions. yes, i agree that i've let my emotions run me instead of me being in control of my own emotions. but it's really difficult. and yes, i want to change that. i want to prove myself wrong, that i can learn to control my own emotions. i agree that i'll definitely suffer in the working world with my mood swings. i guess i'll just have to learn to put up a stronger front? perhaps. am i not strong enough? maybe i'm not. sighs, and all the while i thought i was a strong person. but i guess not. all the experiences i had recently just proved that i was a wimp. sighs. it fucking hurts. especially when i've got not one "real" person to talk to. my darlings are in a fix themselves and i don't wish to put on more load on their tight burden. i want to solve this on my own. i'll have to fix this mess up myself- this mess which i created out of my own fucking hands.
sighs. i need to really go to church and probably just literally beg for forgiveness. here i am, admitting to others that i'm a strong person- fixing other people's problems but just leaving my own at the back of my head. am i just being stubborn? i think i really am. and no one can help me with that. unless, i start to put things right. and i'll have to start with myself. fixing myself up!
my whole life's in a mess. i fucking hate it. but i'll have to start to learn to put my fucking life behind me when i'm at work. or when i'm at something else. if not, i'll never be able to do anything right. and i hate that feeling of not being able to fulfill something. especially when i'm supposed to be good at it. i guess, i keep screwing things up. sighs.
i feel like asking someone if he feels i'm screwed up. and well, i bet he says i am. because i know myself that i'm really screwed up. but i don't wish to stay this way. i want to get up from where i fumbled and start over. but am i able to do so? am i ready to face the music once again? sighs. i want to make it up for the poor guy. listening to my rubbish non-stop. when he's got loads on his mind already. sighs. i guess i'll have to start over. can i do it? take it as a challenge and do what i need to do. i don't believe i'll fail. not again. and i better make sure i don't.
sighs. am running late now.
outta here.
[
dreamt `]
at
3:44 PM
