Friday, September 30, 2005
many things have overwhelmed me. i'm lost speechless and have lost all sense of directions. i wish to fall back, hide in the shadows and not be seen. my heart's tearing up inside. i wish to stay strong. but, it's all breaking me up inside. i wish to hold back the tears, but when i don't wish to cry- the tears fall; and when i wish to cry- the tears just don't fall.
what's going on with everything around me? nothing else seems real now. i'm living in a dream. i don't wish to wake up. i really don't. but it's hurting me so much that i have no other choice but to break out of that dream i weaved with my own hand, with my own words, with my own feelings.
i've risked it all.
now everyone knows about it.
but i guess, i was never part of it. i was the game. i played my own feelings in this bet. and yes, i've lost- sadly.
i guess everything revolves just around that special someone of his. it hurt really badly when he went all out to see that special someone. it really hurt when he was there in front of me, happy to see that special someone. it hurt even more when i had to be the middle person between them. why do you have to treat me this way? since everyone already seems to know, don't surprise me by telling me you don't. you're perhaps just treating me like a little sister, but do you know how much it hurts to be that little sister of yours? do you know how much i want to let you know my feelings? do you know how much it is to pretend nothing's wrong in front of you? do you know how much it is to smile in front of you when you've hurt me- not that you know of. i want to shout, cry, make a big fuss out of it, but i can't. i just can't.
because i chose this path.
i chose to fall for you. i chose to fall for your smile. i chose to fall for your maturity. i chose to fall for your sense of humor. i chose to fall for your sensitivity. i chose to fall for your surprises. i chose to fall for you, because i accept you. i accept you like my own. i accept you because of the way i feel when i'm with you. when i'm with you, i can be myself. when i'm with you, i can be the little girl in my heart. i can be the little child who's seeking for company. i can be the little girl who yearns for someone to hold her hand.
but everything's gone twisted now.
i can't be myself when i'm with you. because i'm stressed. i've got too many things in my mind. i'm wondering if you're just treating me as a little sister. i'm wondering if you're just making it up- that's if you already know. i'm wondering if you're just making me the fool? i'm wondering if you're just pretending to be nice. i'm wondering if you're just afraid to break my heart.
but at the end, i'm wondering why i even bother to stay at your side. i'm wondering why i'm that silly. i'm wondering why i don't leave. i'm wondering why i still go all the way out with you to make you happy. i'm wondering why i still go out with you.
is it because it's just you? is it because i've fallen hard for you?
perhaps.
perhaps, i don't mind getting hurt.
perhaps, i don't mind being used.
perhaps, i don't mind being the fool.
perhaps, i don't mind being the naive little girl.
perhaps, i don't mind being the silly one.
perhaps.
i can't blame you for anything. i played my feelings in this game called love. i placed the bet- my feelings. i played the game. i played it big and now, i've lost big time. does that mean i should stop now? yeah, i believe so.
i want to stand up again. i don't wish to hang out there any longer. it's cutting me up inside. since my feelings were not accepted, i'll just have to shake it off.
it was never your fault. i can never blame you. afterall, i played this game on my own. it's your choice who you fall for. and because it's you, i'll never blame you. instead, i'll do anything you say. as long as you're happy. yes, even if i were to leave just to make you happy, i'll do it. as long as you're happy, i'll do anything- even if i were to hurt myself in the process, i'll do so. at least i know, you'll be able to smile. so i'll do anything. i will.
call me silly.
call me naive.
call me stupid.
call me anything you want.
perhaps, it's because you're the dream i wish i had.
if i can't have this little dream of mine, why not let this dream of mine find his dream?
if i can't have this little dream of mine, why not let this dream of mine find his happiness?
am i wrong to speak of it this way?
am i wrong?
silly aye?
he's afterall just my dream. a little girl's dream.
he's afterall just a little bubble. a little bubble which i'm trying hard not to burst.
he's afterall just a fantasy.
perhaps, if i wake myself up to reality- i'll really be able to forget?
is there any chance in which you can forget someone you yearn for?
i guess not.
can i not wake up?
can i not, please?
can i still keep this little dream of mine?
can i still keep this little bubble of mine?
"michelle, when will you ever learn?"
-i don't wish to learn.
[
dreamt `]
at
3:48 PM
