Thursday, July 26, 2007
i'm tired of everything already.
i'm seriously tired of living now.
i've lost too much of myself within this month.
emotionally. physically. mentally.
i've lost everything in an instance.
i don't even know why i would be such an idiot.
surprisingly, i've stayed sober for the past 3weeks.
but its not making me a happier girl ;(
its making me more lonely each day.
i'm standing outside the door of happiness.
but i'll never be able to enter.
because?
i don't see the door knob.
but i'll never ask where it is.
i'll probably walk away.
and never realise that all i had to do was just give the door-a push.
these days have made me lost sight of what i truly wanted.
i go through the days in slow motion.
hoping that if the slower i moved, time would probably play a part as well.
but i was wrong.
time fast forward without even informing me.
now, i'm left alone at the end.
in the dark.
no one to hold.
no one to call my own.
i've been silly.
now i've lost my soul that night.
i lost everything that night.
when i agreed to follow.
now its all too late to regret.
whatever happened once, happened twice, happened thrice, etc.
what have become of me?
i lost myself in the midst of silliness.
i can't cry out no more.
i can't smile out no more.
no more treating me nice.
no more making me feel warm.
no more letting me feel safe.
no more trying to touch my heart.
at the end, i'll still lose.
my heart's been shattered too many times to even be pieced back.
my body's been too broken to even be nursed back.
my mind's been too twisted to even think straight.
i don't wish to live anymore.
i wish to end this pathetic life of mine.
booze and pills don't make me happy anymore.
or rather, i've forgotten how happiness tasted anymore.
why do everyone just make use of me?
why do everyone just toy my feelings?
maybe, its me.
i'm the silly one.
silly enough to listen.
silly enough to believe.
silly enough to trust.
the bond's been broken. twisted apart.
//tears dropped nonchalently.
//no strength to wipe them away.
//my body's too bruised already.
//like a battered dog left out on the streets.
//whimpers and cries.
//scars that hide every story.
//shield my eyes from the pain.
//just let me go.
//away for this world anymore.
//let me go to the faraway place.
i want to end it all.
before i turn another year older.
maybe.
i feel my heartbeat beating slowly now.
my heart's probably losing faith as well.
its not pumping as fast as the blood leaving the host.
i guess its tired of all the burden around as well.
my hands shaking now.
i wann to leave.
silently.
without anyone to bother me.
without anyone to disturb.
amonthmoretogo.
my days are numbered.
before anything does happens; it'll be nice to tell the people around me how much i feel for them.
i'll just cut things short. time is running up already.
peksy/alison: the 2 of you have been my best friends for the past 5-8 years. i learnt to look on the brighter side of life, i learnt to look upon my friends when i needed them, i learnt to share my thoughts with the outside world, etc. you 2 have brought me to understand what true friendship really means. i miss our little hangouts, chilling out each others' place. i miss having our little makan sessions. imagine the amount of calories we put on everytime we head out for dinner, but its all worthwhile:) our chats about work, school and boys, etc. thank you for always being there for me.
ain/alinah/yasmin/xiaohui: the girls who's always been there even after i disappointed you guys, time and time again. the girls who are always there to cheer me up with their silly tactics that sometimes make me wonder why i frown at the beginning. the ones who made working life a breeze which made staying at the job even longer when i seriously started to destest it. i miss that christmas eve/or was that new year's eve- where we sat below wheelock and had fun. i miss my last day where we turned wheelock into a mess, cleared it up, and pretended nothing ever happened that particular night. i miss having leftovers with the mtv blasting at its highest volume. thank you for everything that you guys have given to me. the bestest girlfriends to have to go clubbing. i miss that too.
my family: i've lived up to 21 years of age. done nothing right from the start. nearly caused the family to break up because of me. nearly caused my siblings to lose the mother after losing the father. rebellious at heart and stubborn at mind. never did well with grades and never had a good reputation in school. shame was all that i had. but i accepted it because i chose that. i never enjoyed having a family without a father. yes, i've been selfish because i've spent a couple more years that the rest of my siblings. but because i did, i hated him for leaving me. why didn't he just take me away with him on that day when he layed on the hospital bed in pain? it changed my heart on how i looked at people. from that very day. i never liked hospitals since. i stay out from the house because i don't like being in it. i'm the black sheep of the family already. so counting me out, wouldn't matter to me. it hurts to sit together but we discuss nothing. maybe because we're all growing up differently. i know i am. i'm broken inside wild outside. i hate myself. alot. but then again, i thank you guys for having to take all my nonsence for the past 21 years. you've done great.
i'm hating myself every bit.
slowly. slowly.
i wann to let go of everything and be free.
can i go to the faraway land that people always talk about?
i'm tired already.
too strained now.
i wann to pack my bags and leave.
my heart's feeling cold now.
but i can't find the tears anymore.
[
dreamt `]
at
11:35 PM
