Monday, October 29, 2007
i got so fucking wasted on wednesday.
yes, i heard you- ladies night.
it was a killer for me.
basically, i was really upset having not heard anything from "lunar".
my whole intention was to get drunk.
simply because i was pissed off;
or rather more of upset and disappointed with everything that happened.
1st, he didn't want to acknowledge the relationship.
2nd, he didn't want me to look for him at lunar.
3rd, he wanted my friends to know him as a "friend".
4th, he didn't want to reply my messages or pick up my calls.
5th, he only wanted to talk to me only on his off day.
somehow, my heart just sank.
i dunno why i bother so much actually.
anyways, headed down to ministryofsound- as planned.
i wanted to get really wasted that night.
but i was really bothered by the fact that he didn't bother, at all.
texts were sent; calls were made.
nothing was answered. not even a single one.
yes, i did drop tears for the "lunar" guy.
sighs, how useless.
i had my first taste of heneiken that night.
i didn't like it.
don't get me wrong- i know its one of the best.
but simply because i don't fancy beer.
but i decided to taste something my "mos" liked.
a beer man, i call. haha:)
everything else came too fast.
tequila shots at the bar.
whisky greentea.
vodka cranberry.
more beer.
vodka rebull.
a mixed jug of something from the clinic boys.
more alcohol from chris and jeff.
more beer again.
that was the start of my downside.
sighs.
i trust ju, cheryl, vivian and ronald for being my sweethearts.
i mean SWEETHEARTS.
they were the ones who picked me up, cleaned me up, took care of me.
sighs.
i was in a mess. a total messed up girl who lost her senses.
i couldn't remember how many times i threw up.
till there was blood.
damnit.
cheryl and vivian headed into lunar to look for the "lunar" fella.
my heart sank one feet deep when his excuse was literally see-through.
cheryl questioned him; his answer was "sorry, i don't know"
i really don't understand what's going on.
sighs.
i didn't hear anything from him.
even when i was fucking wasted and drunk outside lunar.
not one text, not one missed call.
even when i got drunk because of him.
silly me, aye?
what about the "mos" fella?
i dunno if i should be happy or upset actually.
he turned out to be the one who cheered me up the whole night.
yes, i actually sneaked out from smoove a couple of times with him.
he came over to where i was in smoove a couple of times.
main arena changed to our party music:)
and we sneaked over a couple of times.
like little kids playing out on the streets after curfews.
we kept our eyes opened for anyone who looked suspicious.
just in case, we get caught. cutsy:)
we even ended up in pure.
our favorite:)
he turned out really sweet. like an ideal guy:)
but sadly not anytime soon or in any future.
he was the one who wanted to look after me when i was really wasted outside.
sheesh, but he was 10mins too late?
i ended up in cheryl's place.
my 2 baobei really looked after me.
super sweet of them:)
yesterday- ministryofsound for nightmare before halloween.
staff gathering.
i had fun.
until "mos" had to text me that his gf gave him yet another surprise visit once more.
sighs. i was disappointed once more.
i didn't bother with him the whole night.
until he texted me like 4-nish?
i was already in the taxi line.
"wru"
"taxi line. why?"
"so early"
"bored. no one to accompany me."
"stay? club's extending till 6am"
"sighs. ur gf's here seh"
*no reply*
i continued to wait for my cab.
occasionally looking behind me, lunar's backdrop.
john was heading over after work.
i was tempted.
but was still cautious due to the "lunar" guy's existance.
"can i meet you?"
"because i'm just outside"
*no reply*
i gave up.
yati came over to the taxi line.
she ended work at 3am.
we talked about stuff.
everything that happened within this whole week.
how my heart sank. how my eyes watered.
for these 2 guys. "lunar" and "mos"
sighs.
when suddenly, "mos" fella had to appear.
i was caught speechless.
sighs. until he asked;
"did you see my gf?"
"no. i don't look after her"
"i've got a problem with her"
"what's wrong"
"i can't find her"
"alright, i didn't see her in the queue. if that's what you're asking"
"why you dowan stay till club close? its extended till 6am"
"i know. but there's no company"
"ahem" *looks at himself*
"ur gf's still here"
"text me later"
i headed back.
texted him;
"you didn't have a problem with ur gf because of me right?"
"nopes. don't worry."
"alright"
"just couldn't find her just now"
disappointment seeped in.
heart sank once again.
i did the dumbest move.
an exact text i sent to "mos"
"just rch home. hope u found ur gf. it kind of sucks always running away from ur gf. i dunno what i am actually. damnit"
don't ask me what got into me.
i've no idea myself.
maybe because like what nadiah said, it seems like the gf knows something?
sighs. its obvious that he's protecting the gf, not me.
all the way from the start.
before everything even started; all the way from delmar.
why did everything turned so wild?
why bother to hold me back when you already have a gf?
you ask me to stay; ur gf's heading back home soon.
you ask me to ignore; ur gf just turned up at the club.
you ask me to wait; ur gf's not around.
what exactly am i to you?
why the hell do i feel so manipulated?
emotionally, mentally and physically crushed.
tired of everything that's going on around me.
i thought i was able to push him to the farthest end of my sub-conscious mind.
i thought i was able to push him away.
i managed to do so; for 62days.
that was when he asked me to leave; something that hurt me badly.
now?
he's turning everything back to square one.
same scenarios, different locations.
no longer at delmar; welcome to ministry- smoove.
damnit.
i have to learn to let go, i guess.
its hard.
i've to start psycho-ing myself now.
a new wednesday is coming.
yet another ladies night to come.
but this time, with nadiah along:)
we hold each other for strength now.
i hope.
it'll be lunar and ministryofsound on wednesday.
we're going for our rounds of visiting?
haha.
sighs.
i so miss my real self.
have i lost myself already?
sheesh;
[
dreamt `]
at
12:41 AM
